Endless Kingdom 2016

I was sitting on Facebook the night of elections, which was a horrible decision in the first place. The amount of boobing that went on was insurmountable. Truthfully, part of me sympathises with the boobers, but the other, better, part of me believes that they can only blame themselves. While we are all going to have to shuffle through another four years of un-change, know that you had the opportunity to change the country for the better, and for permanent. We all could have penciled me in on the ballot, but i am confident that I was the only one who did so. So, while you are all job hungry and getting Obamacare in the forthcoming months, I will be polishing my platform and gearing up for 2016. Because I never lose twice. Ever. So, the first order of business, goes as follows. As an official announcement from the King Jake team, I have officially chosen a running mate for 2016. Endless Matt Peterson. I am excited and confident about this decision. He and i together make one of the worlds greatest teams. I know because our wrestling tag team were world champions. We have put our heads together on some great ideas that are going to change the country for good. One of the first orders of business, is to elect a Cesar, who operates a Colosseum that we run prisoners through. Its going to be great, because death row is finally exciting again. Its not wait around for 10 years to get a lethal injection, its wait for a couple years, and if no evidence is found, you're going to be running with Siegfried and Roy's tigers, someone else's lions, and my pet bear. We have filled the Cesar's position, so don't come asking. We are going to change the mindset of welfare, also. There isn't going to be any. If you can't afford the things you have, ask relatives for money, beg for it, or pawn it. It's going to be a survival of the fittest kind of country, No more leechers. We are going to stop importing anything from other countries, and are going to make everything here in America again. So, say goodbye to alot of things, but, say hello to more jobs, and being self sufficient. Which is why there will be no need for welfare, cause there will be jobs for everyone. The kingdom is going to be endless. While there is no possible way to please everyone, this is going to be a shot in the dark at getting as close as possible. Which is why we are starting early on our campaign. We need your vote and support.
Cordially yours,
King Jake

I'm Too Old For This Crap

I'm really not in a good state of mind to be writing anything right now. Thus, why I'm not doing homework. I find that some of my best ideas come from a cloudy state of mind. When everything makes sense, golden bars of ideas are birthed from my simple mind. I'm not sure if my problems are more prominent than normal, or if I'm making them out to be bigger than normal. In either case, my problems are huge right now. Let's be honest, I'm not starving for food, I have a house, with a heater, I'm going to college, I have nice clothes on my back and money in my pocket. So what kind of problems could I be having? Alot. They're called first world problems. Most days they are impossible to work out, too. I won't go into what they are because that's stupid, and boring. Amidst all my pouting, however, I did have some good thoughts. I was watching my nephews cruise around today, and they seemed to have alot less problems than me. I think the biggest problem of the day was who gets which Matchbox car to throw at their mother and I's feet. It got pretty heated and almost ended in bloodshed. What a life that would be. Someone to feed you, clothe you, pay your bills, and even wipe your ass. I should have cherished those days more fully. Cause now i can't not only get no one to love me as much as people did back then, I have to feed myself, clothe myself, and no one offers me any comfort when I cry. Which is never. I think at the end of the day, There's not alot I wouldn't do to be 6 again. If you need a kiss, just start a game of kissing tag at school. Even if you get kissed by the big soccer girl with short hair, totally worth it if the hot girls kisses you too. Little kids have the coolest stuff also. I have looked for eons to try and find light up shoes for my size 13 foot. They don't exist. Plus, if you wear little kids backpacks, and are my size, you look like an idiot that's wearing a Camelback to school. Even if it has Goosebumps on it, you still look ridiculous, trust me. I remember when there was scheduled nap time in school, and I fought against it. I think now, What's your problem? I would give a kidney to have scheduled nap time in school. I would give a kidney to not have to go to school period. The things you want, are significantly cheaper back then. I remember saving $30 to get a hot wheels track. Now, I have to save $400 to get an Xbox 360. It's stupid. Being a little kid was the life. Fighting, playing, and not worrying about anything 100% of the time. Being an adult is fighting, not playing, and worrying about everything 100% of the time. In a nutshell, it's hell to get old. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat some glue and smear paint on my parents walls for nostalgic purposes.

Winter Blu... Snooze

Lets face it, Winter is coming whether you like it or not. I'm already hearing people cry baby about how cold it is. So, lets face it two times, I'm doing a majority of the cry babying. Although I would much rather be cold than hot, I'm still miserable for most of the year. I do okay in Autumn and Spring. But I hate Summer and Winter. Mostly Summer though. I can always put on a coat. I can't, however, take off my shirt. Well, not legally anyway. And, so it begins. Another several months of me frowning, and constant complaints about something. If I could, I would totally stuff my face with weeds, leaves, and sticks and sleep in a cave for the forth coming winter months. However, I inherited my dads weak stomach and there is no chance I could choke down mud and branches. Why do you think I don't eat salad? It's not that I don't want to eat salad, It's that I don't want to eat salad, and can't eat salad. On top of that, I can't sleep for too long. As glorious as hibernating sounds, I find that I have the worlds weirdest dreams if I sleep for longer than 8-9 hours. The other night, I had a dream that I walked into a famous casino with Dustin Hoffman and was immediately happy thinking I would make a lot of money with him. The only problem was, I still didn't have any money. So, we sat down at the table and our dealer, who was subsequently Jack Nicholson dressed as the Joker from Batman, and he said we could play on credit. When we started, I noticed that we were in a casino with dinosaurs in it. So, we started running away from them on my motorcycle. I woke up in a really cold sweat. At noon. As much as I would like to think that I have in common with bears, I have to hand it to them, they can eat healthier and sleep more than I. I can beat them in fights though... In the end, I will probably take no proper precautions to battle the winter months. I don't even have a coat as of yet. All I have is my beard and scattered newspaper to keep me warm. I will be frowning and muttering dirty swears under my breath for the next 4-5 months. Sure, it's my own fault. But, that won't stop me from complaining about it. 

Everybody Sucks. Except Me.

If were to take a deep look inside my figurative heart, I think there would probably be 4 levels. Like a hotel, if you will. On the top floor, there would be things that I absolutely love. Things like, 90's dress styles, sleeping, shorts, new socks, and Alf. The second floor would be things that i kinda like. Things like, Desserts, jewelry, having a made bed, and fast food. The bottom floor would be things that i generally dislike. Things like Stop lights, people who ride bikes in the road, sports I'm not familiar with, the radio, and traffic. The bottom floor with all the rats and furnaces and all other manner of tom foolery, would be things i hate with the deepest, blackest parts of my soul. Things like, the Los Angeles Lakers, when my socks get wet, women's logic, stupidity, getting ditched, and being told what to do. If you were to gather together people as a whole, there is no doubt in my mind, they would be buried between the third and bottom levels somewhere. Everybody sucks. Let me tell you why, rather than just state it. I don't really have "weekends" I work from 9-5 every Saturday, and i work from 1-6 every Friday. In a sense, my weekend lies between the hours of 6 Friday night, to 8 when I wake up Saturday morning. These hours are valued by someone like me, who wants to cram a weekend into 12 hours. So, I have a lot of plans on Friday nights, in hopes that I can have something good happen to me. But, why would I even hope for that? I don't know either, because you and I both know that nothing good happens to me. Let's say that someone who doesn't normally hang out with the crowd I do, and wishes to not at all associate with the crowd I do, wants to hang out Friday. So, what do I do? Be a nice guy, ditch my friends, and clear my calendar. I make sure that I have no prior commitments and completely devote my weekend to this person. Do you think that we actually did something? No. I ended up at my sisters house watching Monster House with my nephews. Because my nephews never ditch me. As much as it hurts to say, I think I'm one of the only people left who actually follow through on things. When I get invited to things, I actually go. Weird right? I don't find it necessary to play the whole "hard to get" card. Because truth be told, you shouldn't play hard to get if you're hard to want. I don't know how it works, to be honest. I don't understand the logic behind getting someone to like you by not showing up to their functions, and being mean to them. *cough* women's logic. In either case, if you say you're going to do something, do it. Unless your grandma died. Which isn't even that hard to function through. I did it. 2000 miles away from her. You ingrates. You know what else makes me mad? When people talk behind someone else's back. Which I am totally guilty of. And I at least fess up to it. If you think someones house is gross and dirty, maybe you should tell them that it's gross, rather than go tell your friends that their house is disgusting and you wont be going back anytime soon. Unless it was the first day they moved in, and haven't got all their bags unpacked. You arrogant jerk. I still stick to my motto, Snitches get stitches, talkers get walkers. Then we shoot people, steal stuff, and throw gang signs around. I've come to a basic conclusion, that we shouldn't deal with people like this. When it's Jake's America, talkers really will get walkers, and snitches really will get stitches. Then we will blind fold them, spin them around alot, and send them to an island of other talkers and snitches where they are exiled for life. I don't want to talk to or deal with people like that. Considering that its my country, I'll do with them as I please. In more ways than one, I have lost any faith I once had in humanity. I know there was a time in my life that when some sort of calamity happened, I would use my king hood, or other superpower to save mankind. I feel like now that I am older and have seen what i have seen, I would probably just watch it burn. Deep from within my securely locked safe-haven that's buried far under the earths visible surface. I guess the watching would then be metaphorical. But, I would save a few people. Dirk Nowitski, the cast of Saved By The Bell, Claudio Sanchez, and other loved ones. A very select few. Eat my shorts.

Moral Issues With Facebook From a Man Without Facebook Morals

Lets face it, when it comes down to it, I'm about as unmoral as anyone. Laying aside murderers and other convicted felons, of course. I can't honestly post something like this and not acknowledge such a fact. However, I look around at the world that has fallen at my feet, and feel like I might be in the top 10% of moral holders left on God's green earth. I don't think that's because i'm a good person. Because, to be honest, i'm not a good person. More people are at the expense of my jokes and laughter than i care to mention. In any case, I think that it might be my intellect and natural ability to not be stupid that makes me morally sound. There are so many things that i look around me and vehemently despise, that its hard to categorize them all into one entity. I actually think I hate more things in life than I like. Sad, true, sorry, I'm really not sorry. I'll start at the top.

Facebook. Not only is it the root of all evil, it's also the root of all evil. I feel like my life might be better without Facebook, but i really don't want to imagine such a world. It's like a heroin addict. What would his life be without heroin? Don't know, don't care. I would say I have spent exponentially more time on Facebook than I have ever spent actually doing homework for a class. I give respect to those who try to give up Facebook while they're in school. Even if it only lasts less than an hour. Facebook is such a bottomless pit of time wasting. I can say that I am really glad that we got over the whole Farmville and other games stage. That sucked eggs. Now i can use Facebook for what it's meant for without having stupid requests show up for games, stalking people, that is. Remember when you used to be scared of stalkers? When a car was parked in front of our house for longer than 30 seconds my older sister would instantly accuse them of being stalkers. I was on phone duty and would dial up 911 in a heartbeat if that stalker guy made any sudden moves. Now, you can stalk anyone you meet ever, and don't have to park in front of their house anymore. I feel like that is one of the worlds biggest moral issues today. We spend more time worrying about what everyone else is doing, rather than worrying about if dinner is burning or not. I have totally fallen into this trap. I can say with pride that I have spent longer than 2 hours looking at crushes i had in high school, and ex girlfriends pictures on Facebook while simultaneously neglecting anything else going on in the world. Like the nephew i was watching put his hand on the fireplace, and crying loudly. You want to know why I check Facebook? To see if anyone else thought the funny crap i posted was funny. I try to do minimal time stalking anyone. As odd as that sounds. What else is Facebook good for? A question I don't have an answer for. Wasting time on it isn't the only moral value at stake. Vanity. If i could punch everyone who has ever posted a duck face picture for real, i totally would. People love themselves, and want everyone else to love them too. So much so, that people will go to the extent of "liking" their own status', and pictures on Facebook. What is wrong with you? We know you "like" it or you wouldn't have put it on the internet. Unless you're just outright retarded, that is. The stupidity goes far and above that. From people tagging themselves in the pictures that THEY post, all the way down to liking the comments they make on someone else's status. I'm positive that people would post on their own wall if it were possible. "Heyyyy cutie! love your picture you look super sexy, and you post the funniest things everrrrrr! love you so much! Love me :)" I can see it now...It's disgraceful. The next time you think you have said something funny, or think you look good in a picture, make sure that you just keep it on the inside. Wait for other people to like it first, and relish in their approval. While your opinion is the only thing that matters, you look really conceded if you are the only one who likes your things. You look 116% more stupid if you are the only one who liked or commented on your stuff than if nobody said anything. I would be much more likely to give you a pity "like" if nobody else did, than if you liked it yourself. You self centered whore. I wish everyone were as smart as me is all. Common sense should be a lot more common.