Hello Sir can I ask you a quick question?

I saw a girl walking down the street the other day and she was wearing a tan twill pea coat with plaid markings on it. She was also wearing a hat of similar color with ear flaps that were tied to the top. It was around 70 degrees out, so it was odd to see someone wearing a coat at all. I said, out loud, "Huh. she must be off to solve some mysteries." I was in the car alone. So sure, she is dressed like a female Sherlock Holmes, but I am the one driving down the road talking to myself. So I guess we are both weird. I don't want to stereotype here, but she seemed like the type of girl who colors her hair blue and has a pet reptile whom she has named a real persons name such as George or Keith. I'm just grasping at straws here, but I'm guessing she probably also watches anime. Again, not trying to typecast, it's just what I would guess that someone wearing that outfit might do in their free time. 

Have you ever wondered what people might say about you when you are walking down the street? Not that I walk down the street anymore, that's why God invented dinosaurs that turned into oil that power cars that I drive so I don't have to walk like some sorry person. But maybe what someone would say about you if they saw you at the store?

See, this poses an interesting question. Because I will only consign myself to go to the store, more particularly the Wal-marts, after work. The reasoning for that is because morale is at an all time low after work. So there is literally nothing that the friendly staff and shoppers of the Wal-marts could do to me that could make things worse. Because of this, I am dressed very peculiarly. See, I wear my coveralls at work, so I wear trash clothes to work because my coveralls will cover-all (buh-dum-tiss) of my shame I show up in. So if someone were to see me at the Wal-marts after work I would be wearing a disgusting hat that is marred black by grease and hydraulic fluid. I would be wearing an old t-shirt that doesn't fit exactly right anymore, but I have held onto for many *reasons. I am always wearing old basketball shorts I bought 5 years ago. I am wearing my steel toes work shoes that are falling apart and make an odd flapping noise when I walk. Lastly my tall black socks will be rolled down to my ankles, but you can see the red marks where they were pulled up because my calves are so fat, it looks like I tried to stuff a sausage but gave up. So seeing me going around the Wal-marts, looking at my phone and cursing at my grocery list, and having a cart full of poor people food (My wife likes those Totino Party Pizzas that are one dollar and they, in my professional opinion, are pig slop. What you would leave out for stray dogs to fight over. Swill. Rubbish. Waste. But yeah, I've got those in my cart and like, raviolis and stuff to make PB&J's and canned meat.) You might think to yourself; huh. This fat, angry man looks like the rest of this lot. A sorry person. An imbecile. A fool! An absolute clod! He belongs here!

And to be fair, I wouldn't disagree. But that's part of my survival method. If you want to go to the Wal-marts and not be hassled by the XFinity salesmen waiting like snakes in short grass near the entertainment section, it's helpful to look like you are there to meet a drug dealer, or buy ingredients to make bombs. They whisper amongst themselves "I doubt this person even has a TV, much less Internet and Cable. Let him walk by without impedance." Which is great for me, because honestly, I would rather jump out of my own moving car and run myself over than talk to them.

One time I was at the Wal-marts and I was showered and dressed like a normal functioning adult, and I got trapped by one of those salespeople. She was like "What brings you to the store today?" and I wanted to say: "Well, I was hoping to trade stocks and/or race go-carts, but you guys don't do that." Like, why else would I be here? I hate myself and I need groceries for cheap. I am not on some secret treasure hunt. What I actually said was "Getting stuff for dinner." Like some half brained idiot. And she goes "What are you making?" and i said "Not sure yet." thinking that would ward her off, but ohhhhh no. She goes "Well, my grandma has this great recipe for chicken noodle soup and its great in the fall time its just..." and she proceeded, for the next 18 years, to tell me this recipe. When the truth was, I wasn't there to even get anything for dinner. I needed milk and toilet paper, and there I was, getting told some secret recipe for a soup I wasn't even going to make. I had already eaten dinner. I appreciate her being nice, but I really hate talking to people. In fact, I'm not even convinced that I actually got away from that. There is still a small chance that I am where I am in spirit, and my real body is still there, getting told how to make meema's chicken noodle soup.

I also really hate when I am at Sephora or Ulta with my wife while she is buying makeup, and I am standing there like a dunce staring at something I don't know, or care anything about. Then a worker comes up to me and says: "are you finding everything okay?" Like yeah, some husky man wearing a baseball hat and a black heavy metal t-shirt and shorts is a little lost on which highlighter to use. I am not some fashion forward metro sexual looking fellow who is here to browse. I look like a truck driver who came here on accident. I am not shopping here, I am just here to swipe my debit card when it's all finally, after many hours, over. That is my only purpose, the beginning and end. Notice how there aren't any chairs in those makeup hellscapes? BS if you ask me. 

I guess I shouldn't be so harsh, Those people are just doing their job. But the could use a little help reading the room, in my honest opinion. Or maybe I could stand to lighten up, and be friendlier?

No. It's definitely the first.

There isn't anything wrong with me. It's them.

It's always them. They are out to get me, the general public. They hate me and despise me and want to make my life miserable.

Yes.

That's it. You are all the problem.

*The reason I have all these old horrible shirts is because I literally cannot keep anything nice. So my wife will get me a new shirt, and ask me to keep it in presentable condition. And I usually don't, So If I am caught wearing a nice shirt to work, it would be the end of me. You would drive past our complex and read my tombstone that says "Here lies Jake, he ruined every t-shirt, perhaps on purpose. I couldn't afford to keep buying t-shirts for this moron. I just wish he could wear something nice out." And there would be a flip-book of all the many shirts I have ruined (Like a dictionary size. I keep staining them, what do you want from me? To eat like I am NOT starving to death? Maybe they should make food that doesn't ruin shirts. Again, I am not the issue here.

P.S. Sorry for saying 'The Wal-marts' so much, I have this problem where when I think something is funny, I will say it until it becomes a problem and everyone hates me for it. Just who I am as a person.

I'm not scared of lots of things

Greetings from Everett Washington where I am currently sitting in my house alone, but I have turned on every light. I realize that this is not necessarily 'green', but to anyone who is upset about that, have you seen the movie Hereditary? I am not bullshitting when I say that was the scariest damn movie I have ever seen. So yeah, they're gonna have to burn a little more coal than usual so I can make sure there are no shadows in my house, put me under arrest. I pay for the electricity. I feed the corporate monkey, I can do as I wish!

Last year about this time my wife made me go and see the remake of The Blair Witch project. I am not ashamed to admit that I covered my face for the last 15 minutes of the movie, because I really like sleeping. After that, I told my wife that I never want to watch a scary movie ever again. But after a year I finally got ground down and caved. After this last mistake, I am going on record and saying I will never watch a scary movie ever again. It scared my wife so bad I had to go to the store, as a 27 year old man, and buy a nightlight for the bathroom. I am on the verge of calling in a catholic priest to get some holy water in a spray bottle, just to be sure. I imagine it would be like when your dog is doing something you don't like and you spray it with the water bottle, but it would be a demon from hell and you spray it with holy water and it melt, alllllllllll the way back to hell.

There's this guy at my work who has one eye that is white. Like the whole thing is white. He also has a tattoo on his arm that reads 'immortal', and it's the only time in my life I have read someones tattoo and believed what it said. He has tried to make eye contact with me a couple of times, but I always look away quickly. Because I firmly believe that if I look in his white eye, one of two things might happen: A) it has hypnotic powers and he can trance me into doing his dark bidding, whatever that may be. or B) It has powers to read my mind and he can find passwords to my bank account (He would be disappointed) and to my Facebook or social security or whatever. So as of today, I haven't had either of those things happen because I am way too smart.

We live in a rough part of town. It was an odd change to go from living in the basement of old people and it was always quiet (Except for that DAMN wind chime) to living on Casino road where just last night, I was pretty sure I heard gun shots, but I told my wife it was probably just fireworks. I can't say for sure it was one or the other. Also this was after watching that movie and I didn't need any more reason to be worried. I can't buy like, ten night lights. Sorry.

This did make me think something though; Have you ever been so mad at someone that you would actually want to kill them? Not like, when I fart in bed and my wife says "I'm going to kill you." I'm talking like get a gun and shoot someone with it. Doesn't that make you sick? I mean, I have definitely been mad enough that I have been like, maybe I would take a swipe at someone with a knife. Just like hurt them enough to make them think about what they've done. But never kill someone. So when I hear gun shots I always wonder what lead up to that. Like maybe your best friend and your girl friend were shacked up together? That would be a bummer. Or, more likely near this part of town, someone stole your crack money. Or your crack. I can't speak from experience, but I imagine that that causes tempers to flare. People are quite sensitive about their crack (Both the drugs and the cracks in their butts) I guess This just makes me wish that the gun fighting would stop. This isn't a Kurt Russel movie. You can't just go around town shooting your gun. There are two people in their mid twenties living in this apartment who are scared enough as it is, and just went and bought nightlights for their house, where is your sense of decency?

I guess this has brought me to one big recurring thought I have had over the last little while. As I have grown as a man, and a person over the last while (Particularly year) I have realized that there really isn't anything that is worth getting so angry about. Sure, it sucks when your boss puts you off on your promotions, and when the maintenance in your building leaves a hole cut in the ceiling of the bathroom for three weeks, but being angry isn't going to help solve the issue. I really write this as a reminder to myself. Things will work out when they do. So don't get so angry when someone steals your crack that you go and shoot them on the street. Just be cool, man. More crack is always available and, from what I have seen, people are always giving you idiots cash on the street corners. So whatever it is, just make sure you keep your brain in your head. It's gonna be okay. Like yeah, it was just a movie, but did you hear that? I think I saw something move. Send thoughts and prayers.

2017 albums I listened to a lot.

Okay, so here we go again. This year was odd in a lot of ways, and most people would argue that it was a terrible year. Luckily for us, good music is still being put out. I'll publish this with a similar layout that I have in years prior, I'll just post the album, the artwork, and the few songs I find most enjoyable. This year I am way too lazy to post links and all of that. It was too much effort and I doubt anyone cares that much. PSA, I listened to a lot of hardcore music this year. Take me to court.

First, here is a list of albums I listened to a lot this year that I think deserve attention because they're good as h*ck, but they weren't released this year.

- Microwave - Much Love

- Harms Way - Rust

- Every Time I Die - Gutter Phenomenon

- Every Time I Die - Hot Damn!

- Every Time I Die - The Big Dirty

- Bent Life - Never Asked For Heaven

(The ETID ones are probably obvious, but it's true all the same)

I also wanted to add a list of honorable mention albums that are in no particular order, because I enjoyed these albums, and think they deserve mention

Forced Order - One Last Prayer

Iron & Wine - Beast Epic

The Contortionist - Clairvoyant

Trapped Under Ice - Heatwave

Varials - Pain Again

Full Of Hell - Trumpeting Ecstasy

Okay, Here's the list. I kept it short.

15.

END - From The Unforgiving Arms Of God

Check out: Necessary Death

The singer of Counterparts has teamed up with some other members to make a hardcore/metal band that is brutal as h*ck. I enjoyed this album very much, but having only 6 songs left me wanting more. And I hate being left wanting more.

14.

Power Trip - Nightmare Logic

Check out: Executioner's Tax (Swing Of The Axe)

The blend of 80's nostalgia with metal is truly a work of art here. If you like music that is loud as hell, but also are a fan of 80's horror, this album speaks your language. Take a trip to riff city with Power Trip.

13.

John Moreland - Big Bad Luv

Check out: Ain't We Gold, It Don't Suit Me (Like Before)

I have been a John Moreland believer for a while. He is a truly unparalleled songwriter. This album has some serious heart. If you like country music that isn't total dog shit pop music that is forced down your throat by media/ the radio, this album is one you cannot miss. John Moreland will make you feel and understand things.

12.

Turnover - Good Nature

Check Out: Bonnie (Rhythm & Melody)

To be totally fair, I was probably more excited for this release than any other. The album is pretty good, but not a lot stuck with me. However, I have listened to/enjoyed Bonnie (Rhythm &Melody) more than any other single this year. That song is absolutely infectious and wonderful. I suggest it with the highest fervor.

11.

Stolas - Stolas

Check out: Bellwether

I swore after the albums release that it would be my #1 album, I enjoyed it that much. The lead single for this (Aforementioned) was so riveting when I first heard it, I preordered the album with my birthday money. I don't regret it at all because the album is still wonderful, I just haven't returned to it as often as other albums. I still suggest it highly, the album is great cover to cover.

10.

Colter Wall - Colter Wall

Check out: Thirteen Silver Dollars, Kate McCannon

I know it's strange to have such a polar opposite in terms of music to (almost) everything else on my list, and have it ranked so highly. But this album couples great song writing with a unique voice. This will be a hit with all Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash and Hank Williams fans. Absolutely great album, and makes you think that country music isn't the complete horrific infected scab that the radio wants to you believe it is.

9.

Eidola - To Speak, To Listen

Check out: Loti, Tetelestai

Do I love these boys because they're from SLC? yes. Is that the reason they made my list? no. There is a whole bunch of concept that are behind their prior 2 albums that I haven't even begun to try and understand, but I don't need to do that to enjoy the great songwriting here. I suggest this for people who want to listen to something that makes you think. Plus, who has a better voice than this guy?

8.

Counterparts - You're Not You Anymore

Check out: No Servant Of Mine, Fragile Limbs

This album shows a lot of growth within this band, and I think that is why it has stuck for me. I was beyond excited for this album because I have been a pretty devout fan for a while now. The lead singles are some of the best songs released this year (in fact, I knew their singles by heart before the album even dropped. oops.) I think the only reason this album didn't rank as high for me was because it was announced in early summer and released in late august. It just wasn't as exciting when my preorder showed up. I still suggest this album to any and all heavy music fans. It's good ghost hunting music.

7.

Backtrack - Bad To My World

Check out: Cold Blooded, Gutted

Okay, I know I spent most of my life saying I would never become a hardcore fan. But honestly, Backtrack has become one of my favorite bands. This albums delivers the kind of gumption you might need to do things like call out a family member at a party, quit your dead end job, or clean your room. The fast pace of this album is unrelenting and the hollering of relatable lyrics is perfect. I couldn't suggest this more to any budding HXC fan.

6.

Circa Survive - The Amulet

Check Out: Premonition Of The Hex, The Amulet

Anyone who has known me for the past 10 years is not at all surprised seeing Circa on my list. I have been fascinated by these bad boys since high school. The Amulet is the kind of album that feels like getting in your own bed after vacation for me. It's familiar and different at the same time. Anthony Green's work continues to shine without feeling overdone here. If you like rock and roll or alternative music, The Amulet is for you.

5.

Citizen - As You Please

Check out: Ugly Luck, Jet

I was never really a Citizen believer until I saw them in concert. They played well, but I felt their passion when I saw them. I since have been a big fan. My wife and I have been excited for this album for a while now. Their first single, Jet, is catchy as h*ck and feels like it was raised by rock and roll. Front to back this album is good. Nothing like some home grown rock and roll to cure what ails you.

4.

Sufferer - Sufferer

Check out: Pacifier, Sword

This band is a "super group" made from band members of A Lot Like Birds, I The Mighty, and Hail The Sun, so I have been excited about this project for a number of years. This album is a concept album that is written with varying voices of someone who has mental health issues. One voice represents the patient, one represents anxiety, one represents depression. This album is interesting from the stance of someone who hasn't ever suffered from mental health issues, and made me far more compassionate to those who do. Not only is it raising awareness, but they donate a portion of their earnings to further mental health research. Which is absolutely amazing. It also helps that the music kicks total ass. It's heavy and a little panicked, but harmonious. The rise and falls of this album is wonderful. I suggest it to everyone; it will help open your eyes to issues you wont hear about in usual walks of life.

3.

Kublai Khan - Nomad

Check Out: Belligerent, True Fear

I listened to Kublai Khan's last album a fair amount a couple of years ago, and then they fell of my radar. When they signed to Rise Records and released their single The Hammer, I knew that I was going to be hooked. Their blend of metal and hardcore is unique, and their lyricism penning current events is both interesting and touching. I have not listened to this album at a quiet volume, and I never will.

2.

Code Orange - Forever

Check Out: Forever,  The Mud

I don't think there is much I can say about this album that Rolling Stone, their Grammy nomination, and pretty much every magazine on earth hasn't said already. I preordered this album last year, and have been listening to it since it's release in January. They have been pushing the limits of hardcore, metal, whatever, and this is pinnacle. There is not many greater albums that have ever been released than this one.

1.

Incendiary - Thousand Mile Stare

Check out: Hanging From The Family Tree, Poison

I think there is few albums released that are this pertinent to current political climates, but also kicks ass. I got into the Incendiary game late, but I am a full fledged player now. This album is unrelenting from start to finish. I have played this album into the ground, and I am still not tired of it. Highly suggested for anyone who likes hardcore and has been living under a rock. There has been no doubt in my mind that this was my #1 album since it's drops. Thousand Mile Stare is bullet proof.

Keep Pagans in Christmas

This is my first attempt at blogging from my phone. Is it working? Can you read me loud and clear? Is this thing on? 

Anyway, greetings from planet earth. I say that because I catch a small notion that most of you, and sometimes I, aren’t actually on this planet. Additionally, I feel as though I’m so far away from everyone I know, that I may as well be on another planet. Which isn’t the worst thing. Although I had no aspirations to be an astronaut, I did always wonder what food served in toothpaste tubes was like. I always imagined wheat bread was in paste form; because somehow I imagined that wheat bread could get worse. Wheat bread is for cheats and liars, if you’re going to eat carbs, at least make it taste good. Wheat bread is what they serve in hell along with a Coke Zero.

Anyway, as anyone with a calendar or phone knows, the holidays are upon us, which makes me the most spritely person alive. I went to Target on Black Friday, which was actually Thursday, not even to buy anything, I just wanted to be there to witness when/if someone was trampled. It didn’t happen which is good for the prospective trampled, but bad for me, hoping to break up my boredom. The good news is, I did see some lady’s foot get ran over by a cart and the captain of the cart didn’t stop, or apologize, they carried on as if nothing had happened. Witnessing this really put me in the holiday spirit. Nothing like a good bruised foot sacrificed to save $10 on a lego set to really ring in the holidays.

This year I’m actually excited for Christmas. Not because of the usual bullshit about presents, but because I’ll be able to see my wife. She and I were talking the other day about Christmas music and our disdain for it. While she is not even close to the grinch that I am, she doesn’t like Christmas music at all. She doesn’t know her reasoning for disliking it, but I can think of a few. How many damn variations of the same freaking song can you hear before you’ve had enough? I mean, sure the Dixie Chicks version of Dashing Through The Snow was a little different than Bing Crosby’s, but it’s the same damn words being sung. How many times can someone say the same phrase over and over, but differently before you feed them antifreeze? (Not very many at my house)

The one thing I do like about Christmas music is how sometimes they’ll put footage of people fighting doing Christmas shopping or whatever to the calm Christmas music. That’s the kind of low brow shit I like.

Anyway, the point of all this was that I had a epiphany today that made me feel very stupid. For whatever reason I was thinking about the Santa Clause fable. And I was thinking about the first time I figured out that Santa Clause (I guess technically the Easter Bunny) wasn’t a real thing.

I don’t remember how old I was, I would guess 6 or 7, and I was playing hide and seek with my brother outside. It was around Easter time and we had a fairly big yard. I was looking for that moron for what seemed like forever. I finally had the idea that that dope may be hiding in our motor home in the back yard. So I ran out there and threw open the door and stumbled on all our Easter gifts. I knew they were Easter gifts because there was church clothes in there and we always got church clothes for Easter. The other thing I remember seeing was Super Soaker squirt guns. I don’t know why I remember the squirt guns, but that vision is burned into my memory. I hurried and shut the door and ran inside. I remember telling my older sister that I found our presents and the Easter bunny wasn’t real and she replied “duh.” So that was stifling to the pride that I had unearthed the truth about the world for the first time in my life. I remember putting all the pieces together and thinking; “well if the Easter bunny isn’t real then Santa mustn’t be real. And is santa isn’t real then the tooth fairy mustn’t be real..” and so on, and so forth. But I never, And still am not able to understand how my parents swiped my fallen teeth from underneath the pillow which I was sleeping on and replaced it with $2 without waking me up. Or my brother up because that dweeb and I shared a room almost my whole life.

So as I was recollecting this story I made a realization about why santa wants you to be good, aside from the obvious. I mean, if your parents are santa then they get the ultimate say in what you get and what you don’t. They also get the say because it’s their money, your stupid ass didn’t work forty hours a week to deserve the new Weird Al cd, so it’s not up to you. But also because the parents can look at your track record that year and think “well... he was a real piece of shit this year. Let’s get him a basketball and spend the rest of the money on us.” Or whatever the narrative might be. I guess this also gets transferred over to husbands and wives. I’m sure my wife is well aware of how good I’ve been this year. Hopefully she just hasn’t written it all down.

Besides, Christmas is a great opportunity to teach kids a great life lesson called “there’s always next year.”

If they didn’t get what they wanted you can say “there’s always next year.” Which is a common used phrase in adulthood.

“Did you lose any weight this year?”

“No.”

“Eh. There’s always next year.”

“Did you pay off your credit card this year?”

“No.”

“Eh. There’s always next year?”

“Did you get that raise you deserved at work?”

“No.”

“Eh. There’s always next year.”

“Did your wife let you watch the X Games?”

“No.”

“Eh. There’s always next year.”

“Did you finally get that thing removed?”

“No.”

“Eh. There’s always next year.”

I hope everyone is spending this holiday season bullying their loved ones into buying you shit you don’t need, and spreading joy everywhere they go. Just don’t try and spread it around my neighborhood. We’re all set on Christmas cheer.

P.S. writing this got ‘Santa Clause Is Coming To Town’ stuck in my head. I’m getting in the shower to try and rinse it out.

Trophy Fish

There's a scene in my very favorite movie The Big Lebowski where Jeff Bridges is sitting at a bar at a bowling alley, sulking, he says: "My only hope is that the Big Lebowski kills me before the Germans cut my dick off." It's a very funny scene and it's strangely relatable to my current weather as a sports fan. While no, I'm not hoping someone cuts my dick off, but I do like the sullen tone here. To put it in sports terms for me: "My only hope is that the Dodgers lose in the first round of the playoffs before the Broncos have opportunity to upset me again." Yes, it's a poor year to be a San Francisco Giants fan, but at least no one is accusing me of being a 'bandwagon bitch' as I was called before. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

I started thinking about writing a blog about football and baseball and how I am still going to watch them, because this is a nice segway. But rather than start more arguments about shit I honestly could not care less about, I have a different direction that's a different kind of sport we can all agree about, that doesn't touch nerves for nationalists OR anarchists. So please, save your sharp toothed comments for another post where the author gives a damn about your opinion.

I recently got into fishing. Not like stand on the shore kind of fishing because that sucks. I like the kind of fishing where you are in a boat. Part of that is because when you are in a boat, it's definitely a higher status than the poors who are stuck casting off the shore. I think I took to fishing because I like the idea of tricking a dumb ass fish into thinking he is going to get a nice meal, but instead he is being hauled to his imminent death. Well, if he is big enough. I realize that this sentence has caused PETA sympathizers to light their vegan torches.* But truthfully, I don't really care. As far as being a vegetarian goes, I think fish should be included in their diet. It's basically a vegetable and is really not that filling. Which is what being a vegetarian is, right? You're just hungry all the time?

I was thinking about how much that would suck to be a fish. There you are, minding your own business, heading to work at the car dealership, you stop to grab a bite to eat for breakfast and BAM! before you know it you are being hurled to the sky. Your hat and suit and cane all fall off and before you know it you are naked and pulled past the surface where some man is sitting in a boat with a pole you are hooked to. He talked about how fat you are and then throws you in a cooler where you slowly suffocate.

This paragraph would normally make me sad, but I know enough to know that fish don't really have a brain or pain receptors. Their memory is like one minute length. They literally can't remember things long enough to even hold a full time job. That part about the car dealership I totally made up. That's what makes me a great story teller.

I was thinking about how easily I would be caught if there was someone fishing for people. Can you imagine? I mean the reality of fishing is that you are trying to trick the fish into thinking that whatever it is they eat, is on the end of the line. So they then eat it. Do you realize how easy it would be for someone to fish for people? In a lot of ways, they already do. They tell you that caller #10 on the radio will win you tickets, and just like a fish to bait you call every time. They have amusement parks where you have to wait in crowds for hours at a time and like a fish to bait, you do that too. People are trying to trick you every day of your life, so I commend you for making it this far. Even if it was by accident.

There was a time in my life where we would tape a one dollar bill to the end of a fishing line of an ice fishing pole, and we would drop the dollar bill in front of the door at the local Ephraim Wal-Mart. We would watch from our car, and when people would pass we would reel it in slowly and people would chase it. It was really funny. One time we reeled it all the way into the car and the lady chasing it came up to us and said "My dollar bill just flew in your window." I can't make this up. So that's a form of people fishing I have done.

Aside from that though, all you would have to do is put a steak on a plate and put it at my dinner table, and I would without question eat it. Or ribs, or a hamburger, or a bowl of pasta, or some crappy Chinese food, or some leftover pizza, or a fruit roll up, or some cereal, or a half eaten burrito, or a TV dinner, or... you get the idea. I would be easy to catch if the idea was to imitate food I would eat. And then I would be racing towards the sky with a hook in my mouth. I do wonder what the people on the other side of the water look like. I also like to think that I would not only be large enough to keep, but hopefully big enough to mount on the wall. Judging by my constituents, I would more than likely wind up on a wall somewhere, but probably only in the garage. I don't imagine some alien being's wife is going to allow someone with a face like mine to be over the fireplace.

All this to say, be careful what you eat, there may be a trap. That's not a metaphor or anything, just goes along with the story. Stay safe out there, especially my fellow fat friends. We are trophy fish to someone.

Hope this made you forget about arguing with your friends and family on facebook for a while and realize that life could be worse. We could totally still be in the food chain and fighting for our lives every single day. But instead, we are at the very top of the food chain, don't you think that's wonderful? We don't have to worry about our family getting eaten by a snake or our eggs stolen while we are out gathering nuts. Well, I guess maybe people in the Amazon have to worry about these things. Maybe I should specify that isn't it nice to live in a first world country? You have everything you could ever want, and you choose to fight with each other about NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. Be thankful you have a roof over your head and have a TV set where you can watch football, or choose not to, who gives a shit? You don't even have to worry about your next meal being a fake and then dying in a cooler where you would eventually become fish tacos. Isn't that fantastic?

"And also, let's not forget -- Let's not forget, Dude -- that keeping wildlife, uh, an amphibious rodent, for uh, you know, domestic, within the city -- That ain't legal either."

"What are you, a F*cking Park Ranger now?" -The Big Lebowski





*Authors note: I saw a video where a lady said if you eat meat, you deserve to die. No seriously, she was listing all kinds of facts I don't care about and trying to make her point that if you aren't vegan you deserve death. If you are that lady and are reading this, I hope your mom knows what an asshole she raised.