First Dates Blow.

I feel like the title is somewhat misleading. The truth is, all dates suck. Unless I'm not paying for it. I know that not many women can peer into the mind of a man with ease. But, allow me to fill you in on why you never get asked out on dates. 

Have you ever met someone in passing, and end up going on a date? I have. And it sucked on so many levels. Lets start by picking out my outfit. Do i wear a death metal shirt, or a pocket tee? Do i wear cargo shorts, or carpenter shorts? What hat goes best with this shirt? How much cologne is too much? I should drive my dads car cause its nicer, but i don't want to seem like i still live with my parents. Is chewing two pieces of gum bad? What if that fart followed me into the car... All this happens before i pick her up. When you finally do pick her up, then what? I probably should have planned ahead. What if she hates what i planned? I hope this car doesn't smell like old food. What music is appropriate? How loud should i play it? I should get more acoustic music. This 5 mile drive has taken years. I forgot to put my seat belt on. Does that make me a bad boy, Or retarded? I want to speed up, but i don't want her to think i have a penchant for completely ignoring the law, cause i already don't have my seat belt on. When i finally arrived at mini golf, i was ready for bed. What if she is better than me at golf? Maybe we should've stuck with a movie. Oh no... Its only the third hole and I'm starting to sweat. I'm glad i didn't wear gray. I wish that lady wouldn't have insulted me so bad by giving me the pink golf ball. How many holes are there? 18?! we aren't even halfway done. I should've eaten before i came. Then i wouldn't look like such a pig when we finally do eat. Speaking of food... I'm really hungry. Maybe ill just pitch my ball into traffic so we have to leave. I should at least finish it and see if i can win a free game... Didn't win a free game. At least its time for dinner. I should take her somewhere nice. I only make minimum wage... I shouldn't. I'll eat so much better at a restaurant. Oh well. Wait... I need Xbox live this month... Ill meet halfway. Chili's. I'll just drink alot of Coke then i wont eat as much cause I'll be full of coke. These chips and salsa are a good alias for my overeating habit, too. I'm still getting a steak. 8 oz. is still manly, right? I don't want her to think I'm a faggot. I'm not even going to look at the salad menu. If i get rare, ill hate it, but look more manly. French fries, or baked potato? Which comes with more food? Vegetables? What are those? I hope i can get this conversation to last until the food comes... I shouldn't eat so fast. Elbows off the table moron. Breathe between bites. Ask her if she likes her food. I hope she doesn't get food poisoning and blame it on me. Man, you ate that steak in under 5 min. Record time. Wait... that's bad. Don't watch sports center the whole time. Ask her questions after bites, not while shes putting the food in her mouth. That costs alot more than i expected. I hope the car doesn't breakdown on the drive home. Watch for deer. And bears. Uh oh... That steak has a mind of its own. Either I'm getting fuller, or...... And then it strikes full force. Date gut. For those who have never encountered this, allow me to explain. Your body can hold in your gas. But, with much difficulty. When you hold it in, it starts to build pressure in your stomach. Think of it as a reverse vacuum, and it fills your stomach to the brim. The conversation starts to die, cause you are more focused on not farting than talking. The 5 mile drive home turns to the journey to the center of the earth. And there is one thing you have in mind. You finally walk or waddle her to her door. And the most awkward moment of the night strikes. You hug, of course. But where is the line drawn? I mean, it is a first date. More than anything i just want to go home and unleash the demons in my belly. But i don't want to rush it. Or scamper off like i had a bad time. Gosh it hurts. One year later you finally settle on just a hug. And its never felt better. First dates suck.

Why i hate "The Notebook"

Rain. The only thing worse, is the wind. You cant do anything in the rain. No swimming, no canoeing, no feeding of ducks, in many cases no power, all in all, no fun. Because the second you step outside, you are going to get wet, and nobody likes being wet. Unless your name is Ryan Gosling and Rachael McAdams, that is. In fact, they like it so much, they prolong their being outside, not in any slight drizzle, but in an outright downpour, by continually kissing and otherwise fondling. As i sat on my couch pouring soda and Doritos down my throat, watching such an awful scene unfold with complete distaste, the light went on in my thick skull. Immediately i was taken back to my nightmare days of my ex girlfriend. Every time the clouds would roll in and my irritability rose with their darkening, it was mere clockwork before i heard "Lets go run around in the rain!" If i had a dollar for every time i heard that, i would have more than 1 dollar, but less than 2,500. And all those days of arguing about how much i would rather gargle glass than run around in the rain, came to a screaming reality. As i watched the couple hold each other in the pouring rain, i heard the estrogen level in the room rise. And i was alone. Slowly, but surely I came to the realization, that the only reason that this woman had any interest in doing any sort of thing in the rain, is because she wanted to fulfill her twisted fantasy of being just like Ryan and Rachael. She wanted me to tell her that i loved her even though she moved to New York and never wrote back. Kissing, hugging, wet, and altogether unhappy. Why is it that women can watch movies, and demand to fulfill their fantasies of kissing in the rain, walking in the park, falling in love and all that other crap, but i cant seem to get the same respect when i watch Terminator? What seems to be the problem with riding on the back of a motorcycle while i shoot my lever action shotgun at a semi truck? Whats not romantic about me lowering myself into a melting pot to save a desperate woman and her sons life? Who doesn't want to rob, steal, murder, and watch me cut the skin off my arm only to reveal the robot mechanics underneath? The answer should be, Nobody! Everybody should want to! The answer I actually get, is that nobody wants to. Men and women are not equal anymore. We are left to drive our fantasies out on video games, while women are pulling us by our beards into the rain to re-enact scenes from a movie (a stupid one at that). If it weren't for "The Notebook" my shoes would have alot less water damage. My frown wouldnt be so prominent, and I wouldn't be so love drunk on Rachael McAdams. So the next time you want to play kissy kissy in the rain, consider returning the favor by playing the Indian in the cupboard. 

The World Needs More Carly Rae's.

I never listen to the radio. The only reason i know songs that ever appear on the radio, is because people wont shut up about them. Which is the case with the song "Call Me Maybe" For starters, I'm going to explain why this song is stupid. Then, i will explain why this song is awesome.
Teenagers and elementary school students alike can rattle off the lyrics to this song, long before they can remember all of the words of the pledge of allegiance. If i cried, this would be something to cry about. Not to mention that Miss Jepsen is Canadian. I would be willing to wager that its a hostile takeover. First we start singing Call Me Maybe, then we forget the Pledge Of Allegiance, then we forget why America is the greatest, Then we end up eating each others faces. Laying any and all theories aside, lets take an intellectual look at the lyrics to this song. "Here's my number, call me maybe." This phrase alone leaves me somewhat puzzled. Is she implying that her name is maybe? Or that she wants you to call her... maybe? Lets just assume that it is the latter. When she says to call her, maybe, does that mean she wants you to call her or not? In my experience growing up, Whenever my mom said maybe, that usually meant no. If some girl said to call her MAYBE, i probably wouldn't in fear that she was just being polite. And really didn't want me to call her. But thought she would give me her number anyway. Not that i call girls that give me their numbers. Even if they just say; Call me. I would hope that in the future, Carly Rae would be a little more direct. Then maybe more people would call. The other Lyric in question is "its hard to look right" Does this mean that she was in a car accident and cant turn her head? Or that she just slept on it wrong the night before and has a kink in it now? Either way, i'm not calling a girl who has been in a car accident, or cant sleep like a normal person. Honesty might not always be the best policy, Carly.
This song is great for a few reasons. If i were at a social gathering, and someone came up and gave me their number with no work on my part, i would be overjoyed. Until i found out that she is Canadian. Then i would be really upset. Livid even. I feel like in the world that we live in, men are always chasing to no avail. Women are always hoping that they get chased, but men are always too scared to talk to them. So, in all cases, men and women go home feeling worse than they did before they went on this escapade. With high hopes of going home with someone else that night. If we want to get anywhere in this game of cat and mouse, women should take Carly's lead, and start giving men their numbers. The game needs to be played right. And i should write the rule book. We shouldn't have to hunt, only feast.

I love America.

Over the venture of my years of breathing, i have come to many coherent conclusions. Most of them only make sense to me. However, there are quite a few that i feel that everyone would/should agree with me on. This is one of those that is kind of in between. in my journeys from the deserts of Utah all the way to the beach of New London Connecticut, i have stumbled across my fair share of foreigners. Each time that i did, it was an unpleasant experience. People that aren't from the States, suck for so many reasons. Allow me to name a few.
1. They rarely speak understandable English. More often than not, the word i use most in my conversations with out of country-ers, is "What?" And frankly, it bothers me. I feel like i shouldn't be asking people to explain themselves in my own country. Conversations rarely go anywhere positive either. Its alot like being wired over to India for customer service. Nobody ever gets anywhere and you both end up frustrated.
2. They are usually here to steal something. I'm not sure if its not a law in other countries to not steal anything, but it is here. And i feel like we are the only ones who know that. They are either going to swipe your cool wallet, or steal the originality of taking pictures in front of clever things. So much for having an awesome picture in front of the worlds biggest hot dog. The Asian down the street did it first. Copier.
3. Trying to explain American culture and mannerisms, is like trying to explain what orange looks like to blind people. They come here and mess up the natural flow of things. They might get up and walk around peoples homes taking pictures of things. They might trick their children into looking up weird Anime porn. All in all, whatever they do over there, they do over here. And its infuriating.
4. American sports dominate, even though foreigners don't agree. Cricket? its a more boring version of baseball. Just to name one. Reguardless of the fact that 30% of the NBA and 90% of the MLB are not from America, We invented the sport. Therefore, we are much better at it than you. And always will be. How many rings does Yao Ming have? I remember. None. Michael Jordan? Oh. 6.
You might ask yourself, "But, Jake, don't you think these people would say the same thing about you if you went to their country?"
Allow me to answer your question with another question. I'm never leaving the country on my own terms. America has everything that i want. Mountains, beaches, sports, music, the worlds hottest women, and great hamburgers. Suck it.

A Perfect World...

In a world where good things happen to me, i would never be sad, or lonely. I wouldn't have the troubles of having to chase women. Women would chase me. There would be unicorns instead of cars. And jet-packs instead of planes. Everyone would throw money at me when i walk into their house. Little kids wouldn't be nearly as annoying, but always well behaved. Church services would no longer be bland. There would be theme music to every scene of my life. I would never lose an arm wrestling match. I would have the fanciest clothes. And everyone would tell me that i look great today, even if i don't look great. My pool wouldn't be full of water, but full of things that would be fun to swim in. Like puppies. I would live in a castle. And there would be a moat. And all the people that were mean to me, wouldn't be invited to my roller disco parties at my roller disco rink in the basement of my castle. The coolest bands would open shows for my band at my castle. Every night. And everyone would love my music more than the Beatles. And John Lennon would be jealous of how cool my music and i are. And he would ask me to do a duet at the Grand Old Opry, and i would tell him never. I would be able to wear a new pair of socks every single day. And my shoes would always be new, but i would never have to break them in and hurt my feet for a day, or more. People would smoke rainbows that make them live longer instead of cigarettes that make them die sooner.There would never be unicorn traffic. And there would never be any heinous crimes. Everyone who ever hurt my feelings would have to say: "I'm sorry". And every night, i wouldn't have to cook my own food. Or wonder whats for dinner. But exactly what i'm hungry for, would be waiting for me on my mile long table. And all my friends and i would have friendly conversations. At a friendly dinner table. And i would sleep on a bed made out of clouds. And i would get the perfect amount of sleep every night. And i would wake up to my favorite song getting played at my bedside live.

Instead, i live in a sad cruel world. Where nothing good ever happens. Fields catch fire instead of marshmallows. Girls throw rocks at my heart instead of kisses. Unicorns get killed and eaten instead of ridden. The roller discos close at nine. My socks have holes in them. My mustache is blonde instead of brown. And pirates like me get chased from town to town. I have hope for a perfect world. *Sigh*