Choice (Find Yourself)

I have recently felt like if everyone gave me two actual cents when they gave me their two cents, I would be very wealthy. I guess in some respects I should take comfort in the fact that people want to advise me in aspects, in others it can just get fairly draining. I have always felt like I am the kind of person you can confide in with anything. Even murder. Just kidding. I probably would lose sleep over that. But really. If you murdered someone I would like to know.

I guess seeing that my life has been a constant swing of change over the last month or two it's nice to have people give me advice from their experience, what they would recommend I should do and be doing. But at the end of the day, everybody not only should, but will make their own decisions. Regardless of what that may be, and if that conflicts with what you think they ought to be doing. To be in a state where you hold a grudge against someone for the choices they make makes you look like an asshole. Unless that choice was murder or something extreme like that. Then okay. (Seriously, i wanna know)

I guess I have been thinking a lot about this topic because there has been such a sea of turmoil in my own family and my personal life.  There has been choices made, nerves tapped, and feelings hurt. Some of it is certainly not ill deserved, others are somewhat menial. The issue I take with it most of all, is the ripple effect that some peoples choices make into others lives. I guess when your choices are effecting others, there can be issue taken there.

I guess I just don't ever wanna feel like I need to choose a side in an issue I am loosely involved in. I think that in most of life you shouldn't have to feel like you need to constantly be choosing sides. Unless it's in a Giants-Dodgers match. Then it's a simple choice. Screw the Dodgers. Times infinity.
All joking aside, I just feel like that is what my life, and this whole world has turned into. A bunch of bickering damn middle school girls. Regardless of whether that's politics, religion, money, this that and the other. No matter where you go, what corner you turn, someone is there to slap you in the face with a differing opinion; an opposing team. That shit blows man.

I guess I have never been about world peace, because I have a brain. That's just never ever gonna happen. Have you ever tried to talk to the indian guy at 7-11? If you have not, that may be the reason that you still believe in world peace. Or maybe you've never been stiffed at a restaurant. Or got bitched out by some foreigner at a gas station about using wanting to use your personal cell phone. (These are all real scenarios, I lead a strange life.) And I guess that this is the stem of it all, for me. I don't want people to fight and argue. But I also know that everybody is an asshole. Realist; is what I believe people label it. (I just call it miserable)

I think in the past while I have heard so much jaw-jacking about the choices I am making, what I am doing, that I don't wear pants, that I wear too much black, and on and on and on. And Part of me has a burning desire to change these things, because I want to please people. I guess I am somewhat insecure that way. But the other part of me in consciously aware of what I like. And I am not gonna start wearing jeans because holy shit, it's too hot.

I guess the just of what I am getting at is this; Do whatever the shit you wanna do. Because at the end of the day, you're gonna be the one living the the wake of your decision. Your mom and dad wont. Your friends won't. Your trusted colleague won't. Your group of girls that are all simultaneously your best friends won't. Just you. (And maybe your wife/husband Girlfriend/Boyfriend) So regardless of what people are telling you, just be true to your own self. It is impossible to please everyone. Someone is always gonna hate the color orange. Someone is always gonna like the opposing team. Someone is always gonna think you're wasting your time. Someone is always gonna think you're pissing your life away. Someone is always gonna think you're too fat to fit on the roller coaster when in reality the person just wasn't strong enough to buckle it and made you look like a dick when in reality they're the dick, someone is always gonna say "Holy Shit! you wear size thirteen shoe? What are you, some kind of giant? Do they special make these shoes?" and then cry when you push them down the stairs, Someone is always gonna think you look better with a short beard, some people are gonna think you look better with a long beard, Someone is always gonna make fun of you because your hands are the size of dinner plates, someone is always gonna laugh because you have nice coats and hoodies that you wear in the dead of winter with shorts on, someone is always gonna think you are too small for your car, and on and on and on.

I think you get the gist of what I am saying. Just follow your own heart. Do whatever you think is best. And if someone disagrees, that's okay. They'll learn at some point that you're happy. And doing what you think is best, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. To hell with anyone who says otherwise. Just do yourself a favor, and make your choices, but don't burn bridges beyond repair in the process. Especially those you love most.

I Don't Think You're A Nice Girl.

I guess firstly I would like to address something. I got an overwhelming amount of feedback from my last (and obviously most depressed and transparent) post. So much so that it brought tears to my eyes. I had mostly felt like nobody reads this shit. And that was fine with me. I just needed and outlet. And you guys brought much joy and happiness into my life; for that I will forever be grateful.

That being said, I understand how much it means to know someone cares. And if you are at all feeling like you need to talk to someone, and feel comfortable doing so, you can always feel free to contact me. By whatever means. I would be more than happy to hear you out and let you know you aren't alone. I have had a saving grace of my own for the last while. She knows who she is, and how grateful I am that she's been there. And I hope that if someone does need to vent or whatever, don't hesitate. You are never alone.

So an interesting turn of events in my life led me to California. And not shitty LA, either. A city thats warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. San Francisco. Outside of going through phases of being homesick and missing someone a lot, it's an absolute dream to be where I am at. I know there are several typical white girls who want to travel, who would kill me and take my place in a heart beat. Shit, they wouldn't even take second thought to it. But I am working at a restaurant out here and basically taking some time to figure out who Jake is, and what Jake wants. Some agree with me doing this, others think its a bit frivolous (Sorry mom) regardless, I am happy where I am, with my best friend on the planet doing all the weird shit you're imagining we are (No homo, you sickos)

Having said that, working in a restaurant is really trying. I am the kind of customer who walks into a store knowing full well what I am after. I don't need someone to show me around or point me in the right direction. I am the same way at restaurants. I don't wanna talk to my waiter, I don't need suggestions, I know what I like, so leave me alone. Which I am sure embarrasses my date. And my issue is, I treat customers that way. I don't talk to them, ask them where they're from or what they're doing here. I ask if they want more water or cheese on the food they ordered. That's it. 

The other night I was really hurting. I just wanted to go home to my parents house and watch Home Alone with my dad. On top of that, I was busting my ass running up and down the stairs. There was a table of 5 people that came into my section, and the man of the table was the representative for Anchor Stream, a beer company the restaurant uses. So, we needed to treat them well, and have good service. So my first visit to the table, I took water and had sweat pouring down my face. It gets really hot upstairs. So they began to joke with me and ask me how I was, what my name was etc. So I got to chatting with them and they were all very nice. Anyway, they finish their meal, and the rep's wife comes up to me and gives me a huge hug. She then says "I really like you Jake. Our service was exceptional, and the food was great. You are great!" And not to rip anything off, but my heart grew a few sizes that day. 

I don't know of many people who don't appreciate the kindness of others. Yet, kindness is such an unafforded commodity. It seems so scarce. Which is a conundrum to me. I feel like if you know how good it feels to be complimented or treated well, you would pass along the favor. Yet, people are still assholes and treat one another poorly.

I guess that could be cause of someone being a dick to you, so you are a dick in return to everyone else. I just feel like that's so easy and cheap to feel that way. Can you imagine how cool the world would be if everyone did at least 2 nice things a day for someone? Whatever that is. Opening doors, saying yes to a date, throwing someone else's trash in the proper receptacle,  whatever. I just feel like the world could use more nice people. So, do everyone a favor and be nice. Say nice things, don't be brash, don't retaliate to those who cross you, and only start a fist fight if A) They insult your mom B) They insult your significant other C) They insult your family or D) They hit first. 

I don't really know what else I have to say. I just feel like you should be nice, and only be cynical online. 

Why It Scares Me

"I blog because I have a lot to say for someone who lives under a rock. With dirt, and shit."

As somewhat of a disclaimer, This blog is probably going to bum everyone out. So if you don't wanna read that garbage, please don't. This is a blog that is meant to keep my brain in my head.

I honestly haven't been able to sleep in probably 2 weeks. I just lay here and watch the shadows move across my ceiling. And slowly lose clothing to my bed because tossing and turning is hard work. It gets hot. So as a feeble attempt to get some sleep, I am writing this down to get it out of my skull, down on paper, and maybe help someone who may be feeling the same.

I see a lot of the same people on an every day basis at my work. And one of the guys is quite the smart ass. But, I think on a very basic level, he is one of the nicest people I know. Anyway, The other day he walks up to me and says "You know Jake, you seem really unhappy. What's going on? Why aren't you happy?" I suppose that on the draw, I probably said; because I am at work. But the truth of the matter was; I have no idea anymore. People ask; well what makes you happy? I don't know. Getting the rare full nights sleep. Eating the rare good meal. Having time to listen to the music I want.

I guess that a lot of people probably get caught in this trap. Maybe they tied their happiness to a significant other, maybe it was to a friend or a group of friends, and eventually those things dissipate. So they end up drifting with crowds, dabbling in drugs, sex, maybe alcohol, could be anything in order to find a quick fix on happiness. Because isn't that what we all want? To wake up and be happy to be awake. I sure would. That would be nice to be happy to be awake.

Perhaps the other thing that could be altering with my (and maybe others) happiness would be how they cope with things. Tragedy, loss, death, whatever. If you asked me how I cope with things? Shit. I don't even know. I used to drink. A lot. That always ended up worse than before. I guess I have tried confiding in others a time or two. But being a burden on someone else is never a thing I felt comfortable with. I guess now I just put my big headphones on, listen to sad music, and stow myself away in some dark and dismal place. Both physically and mentally speaking. My  philosophy on it is; I'll keep all my emotions right here *motions to chest* and one day; I'll die.

Upon thinking about it, I guess I'm unhappy because I don't try anymore. I used to be very involved in music. But people have the tendency to ruin music for me. Whether intentionally or not, other "fans" can smear a good image. I used to like longboarding, but a few nasty spills keep me at an arms length. I don't know. I work so much that any spare time I have I invest into TV series. 

Truthfully, I'm okay with that. I don't need to be out spinning the tires 100 MPH anymore to feel accomplished. Not anymore. Maybe I'm just getting older. Maybe that's okay.

If I'm being totally honest, there is one thing that has bothered me for so long, and I have sorted of stored it under my bed. This may seem like an anti-whatever and it is anything but that. I am just going to put this out there, because 1. I feel like it. 2. This is my blog and I can do whatever the shit I want.

I guess this beef can seem somewhat dated, and it is. And it's stupid of me to still think about it. But it has bothered me, and I know it's concerned others. But I'll just tell it as it went. I remember on my last day as an LDS missionary they had us have an interview with the mission president before departing to go back home after two long years of service. And I remember sitting in that room with someone who I horribly disrespected. And he didn't say much about me being successful, and that's fine. But the only thing he really said was "Your next goal in life is to get married. you NEED to get married." And that kind of burned into my brain. So, I went home. And after the water stilled I was pretty determined that I was going to go on dates and work towards getting married. Because that was my next goal; apparently. So I tried. And I learned pretty quickly how much I fucking hate women. I realize that I am not prince charming. And I have always gone for the "Ruggedly handsome" look, without realizing that you need to be handsome in order to pull that look off. And my dad doesn't have some huge estate or yatch for me to inherit. But I have come to realize that what I do have is something that money can't buy. And that's my willingness to put everything I have on the line, be constantly reliable, be fiercely loyal without question, and to have absolutely golden intentions. But for whatever reason, no matter how hard I tried, I always managed to find myself walking home alone. And kicking my own ass along the way. I could never pin point what I was missing. So I always chalked it up to the fact that I was overweight. And probably less than good looking. But as I became obsessed with the fact that it was my "Goal" to find a significant other, and I was failing pretty miserably at it. So it took me on this downward spiral pretty quickly. I guess the biggest part of that is that I felt like I was letting God down, I was letting myself down, and I was letting those I loved down. Because I couldn't achieve this one goal. Shit, I couldn't even land a damned date, for crying out loud. So down and down we went. And here we are, almost three years later. Dateless, mostly faithless, and pretty hopeless. I guess it would be more than asinine to point fingers at my mission president, and more importantly the church for my unhappiness. Nobody forced me into stupid avenues. Nobody came up and said "Jake. You're a failure." I only did that to myself. But I think that you are getting the gist of what I am getting at.

Perhaps if my goal when I got home was to figure out what I want to do with my life, and chase that, things would have been different. But here I am with little ambition to change what's become of my life. I guess I sort of obsessed over that "goal" And after constantly letting myself down, it left me with little hope that I can achieve any goals at all. So I followed it down. And I'm still sitting here.

The truth of the matter is, I'm pretty okay with who I am. I'm fine with all my habits, good and bad. I'm fine with the fact that I am figuring me out. I guess it's everyone else worrying that has got me worried. I know that I don't want to be this way forever. And one day, things will work out. And I will wake up pretty happy. So don't send out any sirens in my name. And don't think this was a cry for someone else to do the leg work on my love life. Because it's not that either. I guess I just felt like you deserved an honest answer as to why I have been burying myself for so long. And why I don't (Or never did) have pep in my step. (I think) I'm okay. I may be clinically depressed, but I'm more convinced that I was just born pissed off.

I have never told anybody any of this stuff. But I felt like it should be put out there. For whatever reason.

I guess I wanted to put it in that way for anyone else who may be feeling down on themselves. In their love life, in their faith, in whatever. Trust me, you are not alone. And it's cool to question those parts of yourself. I do it all the time. One day, whenever that is, shit will work out in your favor. Don't be afraid to take the time you need to get yourself in order. I've been doing it for years now. And I still feel like I am at square one.

"I leave the memory up atop the balcony.

I tear this flower from the back of the dress.
It’s best this time, I bet, to just forget and let go.
Paint it the shade of where the lip bleeds and blur it out.
I blur out everything else, just blur out everything else.
And let go, and let go, and let go."

Thoughts On Being Socially Handicapped

If you would have asked me when I was five years old where I would be five years from then, I probably would have said something stupid like like being a professional wrestler, or finally beating Josh at a video game.
If you asked me when I was 18 where I would be in five years, I probably would have said that I would be happily married. I would have served my mission for the LDS church, and I would have a good paying full time job, and I would be driving a Camaro or something.
If only I could show 18 year old me where I am now. He probably wouldn't be all that pleased. And maybe that would have given me the gusto to fix and change things.
If you asked me today where I'll be in five years? Shit. The only thing that comes to mind is; hopefully happy.
I realize that that may sound like a section of self loathing, and maybe it is. But I guess that the bigger portion of that is trying to come to terms with the fact that; I am what I am.
I think that too often people; and more especially young people, are forced into avenues of being who or what they are not. Whether that is by media, or peers, and most popularly significant others.
Media has tricked people into thinking you need to look, and dress in a certain way. There is certain music that you should listen to. There is a certain weight you need to be. And you should be clean shaved. I just feel like that's such bullshit. If we were meant to be uniform, we would all be enrolled in a Charter School. But life is anything but a charter school. If you wanna like rap music, cool. If you wanna wear band t-shirts and shorts year round, join the club homie. There is no cut and paste of what you should look like and wear. And if you think I'm wrong, please email your complaints to the following address where they will be seriously considered by yours truly:
idontgiveashitaboutyouropinion@yourmomshotmail.com

I guess I hold such issue with changing who you are to please a significant other. That shit is so lame. If you are dating someone who expects you to change who you are for them, you should do the world a favor and murder that person. Because there's a serious chance that that is the Anti-Christ. As I have grown up (Please stifle your laughter.) I have come to realize that there are too many people in the world and too many personalities that differ to think that you need to be a certain way for someone. The only thing you should be is your best self. And if someone doesn't like who you are, then kick their ass out. I guess I have just heard people faulting others for things that don't make sense.
The thing that tops my list in that regard is telling someone they care too much. I guess this could be altered into saying "clingy" and saying that that is an issue. Are you hearing yourself talk? This person is so wild about you, and cares so much, and are willing to show that. And you think that's annoying? If anybody gets bothered by this, I hope they die old and alone. I get faulted for caring too much all the time. And truthfully, I don't give a shit anymore. If someone doesn't like that I am willing to put everything on the line for a relationship, they can pound salt.
I guess the point I am trying to make is; be who you are. There are too many people in the world and too many pretty/handsome faces that have a chance of working out, to believe that you have lost it all because one relationship didn't work out.
I am just a firm believer that everyone should be okay with who they are. More than that, they should be proud of that. You should never have to hide or alter things to appease certain crowds/opposite sexes. Sure, you may have to shower and watch your language. But that doesn't mean you need to change who you are.
I'm Jake Bleazard. I have an odd obsession with music and I hate when bands I like get too much publicity. I would rather listen to music on my own than do most things. I am a social caterpillar and I have a hard time meeting new people. I tend to binge watch TV shows when I have time off. I wear every emotion I have on my sleeve. There has never been a middle ground for me; life is black and white. I love my best friend Kasey more than I love almost anyone. I love my tight knit group of friends. I love my mom and dad. I have the tendency to get attached to things/people very fast. When I date girls, I tend to string myself out. I LOVE sleep. I'm foul mouthed. I think this blog is stupid, but it keeps my brain in my head.
You get the idea. These are things about me (The list goes on, too. kinda.) that I am not gonna alter for anyone. And if someone doesn't like that, I got two words for you:

*Whispers* Suck It.

"Trying to think of who could make a better me than me
Maybe I'll shoot him an email
Maybe he'll give it a go
Then I'll be free to just evaporate, disperse, or implode"
-Modern  Baseball

Let me guess, you want adventure in your life?

So let me guess, you're a young possibly college aged student, and you want nothing more than to go on "adventures"?

You are never content where you are, and you are always hungry for "adventure"?

How original! You know, I am considered similar in age to you "Adventure" fiends, and in all my years I have NEVER heard of ANYONE who likes to go on "adventures", you my coffee loving, Ugg boots wearing, yoga pants advocating friend are the very first!

Sarcasm.

Let me start by saying that I am willing to wager that you may crave adventure, but you have never once tasted adventure. I hate to be petty, but you need to really reconsider the use of that word to avoid making you look like an idiot.

I looked up the definition of adventure just to make sure I was not blowing smoke up your ass by accusing you of being dim witted. 

Adventure: engage in hazardous and exciting activity, especially the exploration of unknown territory.

Christopher Columbus was an adventurer. He sailed to a land previously undiscovered by the Europeans, and thought he wound up in India. 

Steve Irwin was an adventurer. He would wrangle poisonous and life threatening animals on TV. In shorts.

Lewis and Clark were adventurers. 

The pilgrims were adventurers.

Moses was an adventurer.

You get the point. I guess what I am getting at is, if you can honestly say the menial activities you consider adventures to be on the same plane as these people, then you are thick. Driving a car on roads that someone else made, to go hike on trails that someone else paved can hardly be considered and adventure at all. It could be considered driving. It could also be considered hiking. 

So if you use the term "adventure" and you are not catching life threatening animals, or braving new territory, I hope you get stabbed in the heart by a sting ray.

I think that it is very self centered and ungrateful to say that you hate being home. I am in no way throwing a pity party right now, but I want to use myself as an example. I don't have a home. The house(s) I grew up in are now being occupied by other families. The room(s) I for so long called my own, now have someone else's crap all over their walls. My parents built a new house a couple of years ago. I am happy for them, but that isn't my home. I am very happy where I am living right now. And I am happy to have a place to sleep and hang up all my stupid band posters. But this isn't home in the true sense of the word. I don't have anywhere to go to call home. And I hear all the time "The last place I wanna be is home" You say that shit like you know. I sure wish my dad would fork over his credit card so I could go on frivolous adventures, and tell everyone how much I hate my own bed. I actually don't wish that at all. But I do wish I had the opportunity to have a home to hate. you ungrateful bastards.

"Be grateful for what you've got. Well, I'm not." -Tiny Moving Parts