Around The World And Back.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take -Wayne Gretzky" -Michael Scott

When I was in high school I went through a phase with my friends where we loved gambling. We used to play Texas Hold 'Em, Between The Sheets, Black Jack and so on, and actually put our own money at stake. One time I was at my friend Matt's house, there was 3 of us, and we were playing Texas Hold 'Em. I think I put a total of $10 at stake and played directly against this other person Landon. My friend Matt was the dealer. A hand came up that I felt like I had a good shot with; I don't remember the cards. I decided not to call and the other person took the pot. When I asked to see what his hand was so I could compare, he answered "You gotta pay to see." and hastily handed his cards in to be shuffled through a new hand. That has stuck with me over the years, "You gotta pay to see." Matt ended up rigging the deck and drawing me 3 aces to win my $10 back and an extra $10 from the other player, but that's not really relevant, just thought you might want to know. (True story)

I was thinking about gambling and the bets I have won and lost over the past few years, which have easily been the most influential I have ever lived through. I stress "lived through." In those few years I have gambled with a lot of things that don't revolve at all around my money or even anything monetary. But I have learned that the most gambling you will ever do is with your own emotions.

I was looking through some old pictures the other day and came across a few that were dated almost a year ago to date. I was living in Salt Lake City for about 6 months and had started what I thought was going to be my career doing Drywall with my Grandfathers company, it had exchanged hands and was now being run by my cousin(in-law?). I genuinely thought that this was my life's calling since I was just a kid. My dad did drywall for 40 years, and now I thought it was my turn to step up. I put all my eggs in this basket. And for a while, it was awesome. I was living with some of my only lasting friends, who were extremely hospitable and tolerant. But, like my dad had somewhat foreseen, the job began to decay. I had to pick up side work and start a job at a gas station to pay my bills. At one point I worked 90 hours a week for a couple of weeks. As I watched what I thought was my career fade, I also let myself fade. I was absolutely miserable for a huge amount of time. I let circumstance rule and felt I had lost control of everything.

I'm going to speed this next part up, for the sake of being overly sentimental.

My friend called not too long after I was spiraling down, and told me he had a job and a place for me to live in San Francisco. The Giants were in the Playoffs, I was going to make a good amount of money at a job I did the summer prior and loved, and I could live with my best friend. It was genuinely the perfect storm. So I packed all my shit, quit all my jobs and moved to California 2 days after. (I realize now that this is some peoples life long dream to move to SF, and I somewhat took it for granted. Keep good friends around; they're invaluable.)

Long story short; I found myself again. California cured what was ailing me, and made me realize that there is so much more to life than being a victim to circumstance. And that there is seriously beauty in every footstep, you just have to understand that it takes rain to grow roses. I was the happiest I had been in years. And it felt so good to be genuinely happy. Plus the Giants won the World Series, so that was a plus. I was and am so grateful to my Correnti family for saving me from myself, and giving me purpose again.

Alas, there is always a twist in the plot. In theory, I should have stayed in California forever and lived happily ever after. It would be absolutely ludicrous to move away from the only thing that made me sane. I did. However, there are 2 sides to the story as to why. I told my best friend and coworkers that I was moving back to go back to school, which was half true. I also have a tendency to get miserably homesick, so that didn't make my decision making easier. The truth was, I was moving back so I could be with a girl I had been back and forth with for almost 2 years. I couldn't really explain that to my best friend. Because he was back and forth with a girl for almost 3 years. So he told me that I was being thick, and that I was leaving SF on a whimsical chance that I MIGHT get together with this girl who had eluded me for 2 years now. And honestly, he was right. I had shed tears, chased her all over, stayed up til 3 AM to talk to her when she messaged me on Facebook from Nepal (humanitarian trip), and lost far more sleep than I care to mention. But for a reason I will never be able to explain, I felt good about it. I felt that it was finally my turn to have my cake and eat it too. So I went. I packed all my shit and moved back to the place I had sworn I would never return to. All based on a feeling.

Fast forward a few months, and I marry the same girl I had been chasing for so long. And to be curt, I could not be any happier. My wife is genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am extremely grateful for her. I seriously could not say enough good things about my wife; we have an awesome relationship. I'll spare too much gushy stuff, though. I'm thankful I had the guts to go move away from the only thing that made me happy, on a chance of attaining happiness I never knew existed. Worked out well for me. Life has a strange way of turning the tables in ways you may never be able to figure out or understand, unless you're looking backwards on it.

I guess what I wanted to say is this: Gamble. You have such a strange connection to the universe and your gut feelings can dictate more than you will ever comprehend. I truly believe that you should always act on your instincts; the universe has taken thousands of years to evolve you into who you are, and you should never underestimate your own ability to feel and know things you don't understand. I know that sounds like some Matrix bullshit, and I'm asking you to pick a blue or red pill. But I just felt like this is something overshadowed. It would be a shitty life if you lived in fear like I always did in poker. Because in so many ways; You gotta pay to see.

I don't want this to come across as like: I have a gut feeling to punch my dad in the face.. WELL THEN DO IT! What I mean is that if you feel strongly about something, regardless of what it is, act on it. Keep a balance of heart and head. Because had I taken my friend(s) advice, I would have never left SF. Would I still be there and be happy? Maybe. But those people didn't know or feel what I did. And I am thankful that I rolled the dice.

Above all, make the choices and decisions that are going to make you happy. Whatever those decisions are, and however hard they may be. It's incredibly cliche, but life is short. There is no reason to spend your life miserable. Stop taking shortcuts and making temporary decisions on happiness. That's just something I truly believe; everyone deserves to be happy. Except assholes and bad drivers.

"Take comfort in the cadence on the bond we share." -Counterparts


P.S. Mets in 7.

Relationships Are Subjective. So Stop Trying To Push Your Shitty Ideas On Me.

First and foremost, I checked the views this blog has had, and it has just hurdled over 100,000. Which to some major websites may seem minimal. To me however, that is unreal. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I honestly didn't think people read this. I hope it provides you with even minimal comic relief, and in some way helps as much as it does me.

I realize it's been a while. I have just found that it's hard to bitch about things when your life is going fairly well. I say that with a hushed tone due to fear that someone might hear. At any rate, I have (inevitably so) something to caterwaul about.

I updated my Snapchat the other day, and I'm not really sure why. I don't use Snapchat. It seems like just a weird and somewhat sneaky way for high school kids to send pictures of their genitals to each other and not having any concrete evidence for the principal to use against them. But, that's a discussion for another day. On this Snapchat update, there was a feature that let you go through several different magazine and TV station's headlines for the day. To be honest, at first I was quite amused. I thought it was novel, and a quick way for the pervert that invented Snapchat to grab some cash. But I stumbled across the Cosmopolitan magazine part of the update. Look, I don't really know why I decided to look through it either. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I wasn't doing anything better, okay? Sue me. The things that were written in that section were not only degrading, generalizing, and awfully objectifying, but poorly written. I'm not entirely convinced that they have accredited journalists hired, but a bunch of pubescent teenagers writing and editing the articles therein. Honestly, how can people manage to read such trash? Laying aside all content, how could you allow yourself to not only read, but support a magazine that publishes incomplete ideas, sentences that are full of vocabulary from a shitty Disney Channel TV show, and grammar mistakes a 9th grade English temp should catch? I realize that my grammar and punctuation can be bad, but I'm not writing for a nationwide magazine that is being sold in stores, am I?

I guess getting past all of that and moving onto the content awakens a whole different demon. The "relationship advice" is what really irks me. I don't understand how you could generalize someones relationship to the point that you feel like you could give the entire nation advice on it. Relationships aren't a statistic that can be measured and calculated like a batting average or earned run average. It's something so subjective and that varies from person to person 100% of the time. It's like trying to tell people they need to change their favorite color or kind of pizza they like, because you like this one best. I just feel like telling people that you punched your boyfriend in the face during intercourse, and it changed your relationship for the better, and that everyone should do that is literally insane. Regardless of what your advice is, it is horribly assumptious of you to blanket statement every pubescent/middle aged woman that reads this magazine in such a way. And that they should not only read your advice, but take it and apply it to their lives and hard earned relationships.

Wading past how stupid blanket statements make a company/person look, lets venture further into the idea of taking advice from a stranger. How are you to know that the person who wrote this article isn't some wrinkly old cougar that only dates boys of 18? Or perhaps it's some bitter middle aged divorced broad that won a Land Rover from her most recently failed marriage (of 5 total.) And she feels that she is qualified to give advice to people on their personal relationships, and even further sex lives. Speaking of that, have you ever read the smut they publish about how to make a better sex life? Cringe worthy, at best. I guess tying all these loose ends together; taking dating/relationship/sex advice from a stranger is about as worthwhile as your marijuana dealer regulating your depression medication. There's a really good chance that they don't know shit; they just want your money.

I guess I just really want to get to the heart of this. If you're taking advice from anyone who isn't your mom or dad, what kind of life are you leading? If you really wanna know how to work out an issue or find out what your significant other likes, ask him. Seriously. There's a certain beauty that's held in learning and growing that people are trying to short cut. Stop. Go mess things up. Get your heart broken. Fall out of a truck. Whatever. Just always be learning and growing in the process; whatever that means to you. Don't look for relationship advice, look to create and learn your own. The world is a beautiful place and there are so many people that you can form new and meaningful relationships with, it's crazy to think you would even waste a second to pour over a magazine that literally means nothing, and knows nothing about you. Everything is subjective, and personal. The only way to solve problems you are having, is to figure them out on your own.

Also.

Dear England,

Stop trying to push your shitty fashion statements off on me. Gapped teeth does not look good.

Regards,

The rest of the world. Especially the USA. It's no wonder we rebelled (And won)

Choice (Find Yourself)

I have recently felt like if everyone gave me two actual cents when they gave me their two cents, I would be very wealthy. I guess in some respects I should take comfort in the fact that people want to advise me in aspects, in others it can just get fairly draining. I have always felt like I am the kind of person you can confide in with anything. Even murder. Just kidding. I probably would lose sleep over that. But really. If you murdered someone I would like to know.

I guess seeing that my life has been a constant swing of change over the last month or two it's nice to have people give me advice from their experience, what they would recommend I should do and be doing. But at the end of the day, everybody not only should, but will make their own decisions. Regardless of what that may be, and if that conflicts with what you think they ought to be doing. To be in a state where you hold a grudge against someone for the choices they make makes you look like an asshole. Unless that choice was murder or something extreme like that. Then okay. (Seriously, i wanna know)

I guess I have been thinking a lot about this topic because there has been such a sea of turmoil in my own family and my personal life.  There has been choices made, nerves tapped, and feelings hurt. Some of it is certainly not ill deserved, others are somewhat menial. The issue I take with it most of all, is the ripple effect that some peoples choices make into others lives. I guess when your choices are effecting others, there can be issue taken there.

I guess I just don't ever wanna feel like I need to choose a side in an issue I am loosely involved in. I think that in most of life you shouldn't have to feel like you need to constantly be choosing sides. Unless it's in a Giants-Dodgers match. Then it's a simple choice. Screw the Dodgers. Times infinity.
All joking aside, I just feel like that is what my life, and this whole world has turned into. A bunch of bickering damn middle school girls. Regardless of whether that's politics, religion, money, this that and the other. No matter where you go, what corner you turn, someone is there to slap you in the face with a differing opinion; an opposing team. That shit blows man.

I guess I have never been about world peace, because I have a brain. That's just never ever gonna happen. Have you ever tried to talk to the indian guy at 7-11? If you have not, that may be the reason that you still believe in world peace. Or maybe you've never been stiffed at a restaurant. Or got bitched out by some foreigner at a gas station about using wanting to use your personal cell phone. (These are all real scenarios, I lead a strange life.) And I guess that this is the stem of it all, for me. I don't want people to fight and argue. But I also know that everybody is an asshole. Realist; is what I believe people label it. (I just call it miserable)

I think in the past while I have heard so much jaw-jacking about the choices I am making, what I am doing, that I don't wear pants, that I wear too much black, and on and on and on. And Part of me has a burning desire to change these things, because I want to please people. I guess I am somewhat insecure that way. But the other part of me in consciously aware of what I like. And I am not gonna start wearing jeans because holy shit, it's too hot.

I guess the just of what I am getting at is this; Do whatever the shit you wanna do. Because at the end of the day, you're gonna be the one living the the wake of your decision. Your mom and dad wont. Your friends won't. Your trusted colleague won't. Your group of girls that are all simultaneously your best friends won't. Just you. (And maybe your wife/husband Girlfriend/Boyfriend) So regardless of what people are telling you, just be true to your own self. It is impossible to please everyone. Someone is always gonna hate the color orange. Someone is always gonna like the opposing team. Someone is always gonna think you're wasting your time. Someone is always gonna think you're pissing your life away. Someone is always gonna think you're too fat to fit on the roller coaster when in reality the person just wasn't strong enough to buckle it and made you look like a dick when in reality they're the dick, someone is always gonna say "Holy Shit! you wear size thirteen shoe? What are you, some kind of giant? Do they special make these shoes?" and then cry when you push them down the stairs, Someone is always gonna think you look better with a short beard, some people are gonna think you look better with a long beard, Someone is always gonna make fun of you because your hands are the size of dinner plates, someone is always gonna laugh because you have nice coats and hoodies that you wear in the dead of winter with shorts on, someone is always gonna think you are too small for your car, and on and on and on.

I think you get the gist of what I am saying. Just follow your own heart. Do whatever you think is best. And if someone disagrees, that's okay. They'll learn at some point that you're happy. And doing what you think is best, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters. To hell with anyone who says otherwise. Just do yourself a favor, and make your choices, but don't burn bridges beyond repair in the process. Especially those you love most.

I Don't Think You're A Nice Girl.

I guess firstly I would like to address something. I got an overwhelming amount of feedback from my last (and obviously most depressed and transparent) post. So much so that it brought tears to my eyes. I had mostly felt like nobody reads this shit. And that was fine with me. I just needed and outlet. And you guys brought much joy and happiness into my life; for that I will forever be grateful.

That being said, I understand how much it means to know someone cares. And if you are at all feeling like you need to talk to someone, and feel comfortable doing so, you can always feel free to contact me. By whatever means. I would be more than happy to hear you out and let you know you aren't alone. I have had a saving grace of my own for the last while. She knows who she is, and how grateful I am that she's been there. And I hope that if someone does need to vent or whatever, don't hesitate. You are never alone.

So an interesting turn of events in my life led me to California. And not shitty LA, either. A city thats warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. San Francisco. Outside of going through phases of being homesick and missing someone a lot, it's an absolute dream to be where I am at. I know there are several typical white girls who want to travel, who would kill me and take my place in a heart beat. Shit, they wouldn't even take second thought to it. But I am working at a restaurant out here and basically taking some time to figure out who Jake is, and what Jake wants. Some agree with me doing this, others think its a bit frivolous (Sorry mom) regardless, I am happy where I am, with my best friend on the planet doing all the weird shit you're imagining we are (No homo, you sickos)

Having said that, working in a restaurant is really trying. I am the kind of customer who walks into a store knowing full well what I am after. I don't need someone to show me around or point me in the right direction. I am the same way at restaurants. I don't wanna talk to my waiter, I don't need suggestions, I know what I like, so leave me alone. Which I am sure embarrasses my date. And my issue is, I treat customers that way. I don't talk to them, ask them where they're from or what they're doing here. I ask if they want more water or cheese on the food they ordered. That's it. 

The other night I was really hurting. I just wanted to go home to my parents house and watch Home Alone with my dad. On top of that, I was busting my ass running up and down the stairs. There was a table of 5 people that came into my section, and the man of the table was the representative for Anchor Stream, a beer company the restaurant uses. So, we needed to treat them well, and have good service. So my first visit to the table, I took water and had sweat pouring down my face. It gets really hot upstairs. So they began to joke with me and ask me how I was, what my name was etc. So I got to chatting with them and they were all very nice. Anyway, they finish their meal, and the rep's wife comes up to me and gives me a huge hug. She then says "I really like you Jake. Our service was exceptional, and the food was great. You are great!" And not to rip anything off, but my heart grew a few sizes that day. 

I don't know of many people who don't appreciate the kindness of others. Yet, kindness is such an unafforded commodity. It seems so scarce. Which is a conundrum to me. I feel like if you know how good it feels to be complimented or treated well, you would pass along the favor. Yet, people are still assholes and treat one another poorly.

I guess that could be cause of someone being a dick to you, so you are a dick in return to everyone else. I just feel like that's so easy and cheap to feel that way. Can you imagine how cool the world would be if everyone did at least 2 nice things a day for someone? Whatever that is. Opening doors, saying yes to a date, throwing someone else's trash in the proper receptacle,  whatever. I just feel like the world could use more nice people. So, do everyone a favor and be nice. Say nice things, don't be brash, don't retaliate to those who cross you, and only start a fist fight if A) They insult your mom B) They insult your significant other C) They insult your family or D) They hit first. 

I don't really know what else I have to say. I just feel like you should be nice, and only be cynical online. 

Why It Scares Me

"I blog because I have a lot to say for someone who lives under a rock. With dirt, and shit."

As somewhat of a disclaimer, This blog is probably going to bum everyone out. So if you don't wanna read that garbage, please don't. This is a blog that is meant to keep my brain in my head.

I honestly haven't been able to sleep in probably 2 weeks. I just lay here and watch the shadows move across my ceiling. And slowly lose clothing to my bed because tossing and turning is hard work. It gets hot. So as a feeble attempt to get some sleep, I am writing this down to get it out of my skull, down on paper, and maybe help someone who may be feeling the same.

I see a lot of the same people on an every day basis at my work. And one of the guys is quite the smart ass. But, I think on a very basic level, he is one of the nicest people I know. Anyway, The other day he walks up to me and says "You know Jake, you seem really unhappy. What's going on? Why aren't you happy?" I suppose that on the draw, I probably said; because I am at work. But the truth of the matter was; I have no idea anymore. People ask; well what makes you happy? I don't know. Getting the rare full nights sleep. Eating the rare good meal. Having time to listen to the music I want.

I guess that a lot of people probably get caught in this trap. Maybe they tied their happiness to a significant other, maybe it was to a friend or a group of friends, and eventually those things dissipate. So they end up drifting with crowds, dabbling in drugs, sex, maybe alcohol, could be anything in order to find a quick fix on happiness. Because isn't that what we all want? To wake up and be happy to be awake. I sure would. That would be nice to be happy to be awake.

Perhaps the other thing that could be altering with my (and maybe others) happiness would be how they cope with things. Tragedy, loss, death, whatever. If you asked me how I cope with things? Shit. I don't even know. I used to drink. A lot. That always ended up worse than before. I guess I have tried confiding in others a time or two. But being a burden on someone else is never a thing I felt comfortable with. I guess now I just put my big headphones on, listen to sad music, and stow myself away in some dark and dismal place. Both physically and mentally speaking. My  philosophy on it is; I'll keep all my emotions right here *motions to chest* and one day; I'll die.

Upon thinking about it, I guess I'm unhappy because I don't try anymore. I used to be very involved in music. But people have the tendency to ruin music for me. Whether intentionally or not, other "fans" can smear a good image. I used to like longboarding, but a few nasty spills keep me at an arms length. I don't know. I work so much that any spare time I have I invest into TV series. 

Truthfully, I'm okay with that. I don't need to be out spinning the tires 100 MPH anymore to feel accomplished. Not anymore. Maybe I'm just getting older. Maybe that's okay.

If I'm being totally honest, there is one thing that has bothered me for so long, and I have sorted of stored it under my bed. This may seem like an anti-whatever and it is anything but that. I am just going to put this out there, because 1. I feel like it. 2. This is my blog and I can do whatever the shit I want.

I guess this beef can seem somewhat dated, and it is. And it's stupid of me to still think about it. But it has bothered me, and I know it's concerned others. But I'll just tell it as it went. I remember on my last day as an LDS missionary they had us have an interview with the mission president before departing to go back home after two long years of service. And I remember sitting in that room with someone who I horribly disrespected. And he didn't say much about me being successful, and that's fine. But the only thing he really said was "Your next goal in life is to get married. you NEED to get married." And that kind of burned into my brain. So, I went home. And after the water stilled I was pretty determined that I was going to go on dates and work towards getting married. Because that was my next goal; apparently. So I tried. And I learned pretty quickly how much I fucking hate women. I realize that I am not prince charming. And I have always gone for the "Ruggedly handsome" look, without realizing that you need to be handsome in order to pull that look off. And my dad doesn't have some huge estate or yatch for me to inherit. But I have come to realize that what I do have is something that money can't buy. And that's my willingness to put everything I have on the line, be constantly reliable, be fiercely loyal without question, and to have absolutely golden intentions. But for whatever reason, no matter how hard I tried, I always managed to find myself walking home alone. And kicking my own ass along the way. I could never pin point what I was missing. So I always chalked it up to the fact that I was overweight. And probably less than good looking. But as I became obsessed with the fact that it was my "Goal" to find a significant other, and I was failing pretty miserably at it. So it took me on this downward spiral pretty quickly. I guess the biggest part of that is that I felt like I was letting God down, I was letting myself down, and I was letting those I loved down. Because I couldn't achieve this one goal. Shit, I couldn't even land a damned date, for crying out loud. So down and down we went. And here we are, almost three years later. Dateless, mostly faithless, and pretty hopeless. I guess it would be more than asinine to point fingers at my mission president, and more importantly the church for my unhappiness. Nobody forced me into stupid avenues. Nobody came up and said "Jake. You're a failure." I only did that to myself. But I think that you are getting the gist of what I am getting at.

Perhaps if my goal when I got home was to figure out what I want to do with my life, and chase that, things would have been different. But here I am with little ambition to change what's become of my life. I guess I sort of obsessed over that "goal" And after constantly letting myself down, it left me with little hope that I can achieve any goals at all. So I followed it down. And I'm still sitting here.

The truth of the matter is, I'm pretty okay with who I am. I'm fine with all my habits, good and bad. I'm fine with the fact that I am figuring me out. I guess it's everyone else worrying that has got me worried. I know that I don't want to be this way forever. And one day, things will work out. And I will wake up pretty happy. So don't send out any sirens in my name. And don't think this was a cry for someone else to do the leg work on my love life. Because it's not that either. I guess I just felt like you deserved an honest answer as to why I have been burying myself for so long. And why I don't (Or never did) have pep in my step. (I think) I'm okay. I may be clinically depressed, but I'm more convinced that I was just born pissed off.

I have never told anybody any of this stuff. But I felt like it should be put out there. For whatever reason.

I guess I wanted to put it in that way for anyone else who may be feeling down on themselves. In their love life, in their faith, in whatever. Trust me, you are not alone. And it's cool to question those parts of yourself. I do it all the time. One day, whenever that is, shit will work out in your favor. Don't be afraid to take the time you need to get yourself in order. I've been doing it for years now. And I still feel like I am at square one.

"I leave the memory up atop the balcony.

I tear this flower from the back of the dress.
It’s best this time, I bet, to just forget and let go.
Paint it the shade of where the lip bleeds and blur it out.
I blur out everything else, just blur out everything else.
And let go, and let go, and let go."