Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A Small Confession About Fears

It might just be that I am 22. But, it also might be that I am completely bad ass. Truth is, on any given day, I feel pretty invincible. Death is something that crosses my mind a lot. While I feel like I still have a lot left to live for, dying is still the least of my worries. At least I wouldn't have to go to school. Or work. I feel like I may be rambling on and on about nothing. So, let me draw the point to all of this. There are only a few things that I truly and completely fear. Midgets, Snakes, Heights, and Public bathrooms.
Now, I realize that the reason you are afraid of these things is due to your subconscious fear of death. You are afraid of things that have the backdrop of death. Which, makes complete sense to me. However, I think that it is almost impossible to completely oust a fear in your life. I have been scared of most of these things since I was young. Even now that I am 22 and most of these things are irrational, I can't seem to shake them.
I think my biggest one now, is public bathrooms. It's not even a fear, I just hate them. For so many different reasons. I think one of the main stems from the movie Dumb And Dumber. When he is in the bathroom and that giant man walks in for surprise sex with him. I just know with all my heart that I am going to be in there taking a leak, and someone who can overpower me sneaks up behind me, and gives me a little surprise. I could probably beat up most rapists. But I always have the fear that someone the size of Donkey Kong is waiting behind a stall door for me.
On top of that, public bathrooms are 19 times out of 20 filthy and repulsive. Not like, shit all over the walls. It's just like, full garbage's, dirty mirrors, turd salads from kids who don't flush, toilet paper (used and not) all over the floor, and the overpowering stench of urine. If you can go in a public bathroom and not line the toilet seat two or three times, my hat is off to you. Because it is going to be you that has a burning urinal tract. Do you realize how many people have sat on that seat? Me either. Because it is probably a lot! Something about sitting bare assed where strangers have sat bare assed is uncomfortable to me. Then again, I even line toilet seats at the most clean public bathrooms. The only place I don't is at home. Home is where you don't have to line the seat.
I think another thing about public bathrooms that is weird, is all the writing on the stalls. I mean, peoples phone numbers, names with hearts around them, and everything else weird in the world. How romantic is that though? You etched you and your girlfriends name into the wall of a bathroom stall. That is a love that is going to last, I just know it. I don't understand why people just write curse words on bathroom stalls, either. You look up, and there, in the poorest of handwriting, is the word "Shit." Well, yeah. I suppose it's appropriate. But, that is the most clever thing you had? Shit? Like, nothing to preface it, nothing to explain it after. Just, Shit. Genius.
I am always afraid of the worst things happening in public bathrooms too. Like, either you run out of TP, or the toilet clogs, or someone walks in on the stall, or peeks through the cracks at you, or hears your noises, or whatever. It's like, when that happens at home, it's bad. But, if it happens in public, it's shameful. I usually do all that I can do in order to avoid it. I will drive the twenty minutes home and pert near soil myself before I will succumb to a public bathroom event.
Worst of all, I have a feeling I am going to end up dying in a public bathroom. Not like, be murdered or whatever. I just know my last minutes on earth are going to be held in a public bathroom. I believe that mostly because I am not the worlds best person. And the worst case scenario of dying is going to happen to me. I am going to be in a bathroom rushing to wash my hands and get the hell out of there, and then it strikes. A heart attack. And in my panic, I clumsily throw myself into one of the stalls. The site of the unflushed toilet makes me pass out, and I fall down, and die with my mouth open on the toilet seat. Surrounded in names with hearts around them, swear words, and male genitalia scribbled on the walls. The toilet paper was out in that stall too.
Maybe a bit dramatic, but I can see it happening. Anyway, that is my rant of the day. Hope you enjoy it. Be safe; Poop at home. Smooches.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Rules Of Thumbs For Concerts.

Well, it's close to midnight. I already ate a bowl of cereal, and took a sleeping pill. Which will be a huge mistake tomorrow. But, I took a nap at 8 o'clock at night, and now I feel like I am ready to go run a marathon. If it were possible for me to run a marathon. So, if this starts out being somewhat coherent to begin with, then, towards the end it starts getting random, and stupid, you now know the cause. Over the counter sleep aids. Three of them.
So, I know alot of people aren't into "screamo" music. And that's fine. We have discussed you just keeping your trap shut about it. Seeings how it has honestly saved my life. So, last night, I went to a metal concert. Allow me to start by saying that it was awesome. But, you know what's not awesome? That every ass hat on the planet seemed to show up. So, I am going to go over some concert etiquette that everyone should apply. Whether it's a Green Day, Taylor Swift, or Black Dahlia Murder concert.
First, understand what a concert entails. If you have personal space issues, you should consider going to the movies, or park instead. While nobody likes to have their goodies touched, you are going to be in a confined room with several hundred people. It's not Woodstock for hell's sake. You can't bring a picnic basket, do bumps of coke off each other while laying on a blanket. There are people everywhere. And you ARE going to get touched. So, be aware of that. And if you go, and start punching people in an effort to create separation for yourself, I am personally going to punch your head. You prick.
Please, in the name of all that is sacred and holy, don't bring your girlfriend. While we all want to please our significant others, some things are just not good ideas for dates. We have aforementioned the space issue. And no one wants their loved one to be smashed either. Don't be a hero and take her then spend the night fending off these "hounds" from squishing your princess. It's futile, and asinine. Unless it is some kind of low key acoustic set, or your woman is accustomed to that sort of atmosphere, forget it. Leave her home to watch Pretty Little Liars.
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever take your gosh damn shirt off. I don't care if it's 5000 degrees, and 5000% humidity. You make us all exponentially more uncomfortable by rubbing your shirtless self against us. But even more so, if you are fat, you shouldn't even consider it. Taking my shirt off at a concert has never crossed my mind. Cause not only am I uncomfortable with that, I know that everyone else would be too. I am a sweaty damn person. My shirt seems to wick away a great deal of that sweat. And when I am rubbing up on everyone else and their stupid girlfriend, it makes everyone happier when I am fully clothed. Don't be an asshole. Keep your shirt on. Whether you are buff, fat, skinny, or somewhere in between. Just do it. For the sake of everyone.
A little add on to that, if you are a woman and do go to a concert, wear clothes. If you wear a bikini top, and booty shorts to Warped Tour, expect to go home topless. There are too many pigs out there that will rip that bikini right off. I have seent it too many times to believe that it wont happen. Just, wear a regular t-shirt, and some pants or Capri's. Also, shoes that wont fall off easy. I have found so many Toms and other women's shoes on the floor of shows. Make sure they can tie. Seriously. Women get disrespected as hell at shows. So, try to dress accordingly. And if you dress like an ass, you'll get treated like an ass.
This next point only applies to metal shows, but I still wanna say it. SCREW HARDCORE DANCING. MOSH OR GTFO! If you are a hardcore dancer, you're an asshole. It's not fun for anyone. And it shouldn't be fun for you. You are making a complete jackass of yourself by flailing your limbs at no one. STAHP. But keeping in mind of mosh pits, there are some things to be said. If you are under the age of 18, stay out. If you are a woman, don't even consider it. If a pit opens up near you, get away. Cause here is the thing, I am a giant. And when I am in the pits, I am like a car without brakes. I cause absolute havoc on the people inside and outside. Because I don't stop. Not for no one. And the thing is, I don't want to run this car into a girl. But the thing is, if you're stupid enough to stand on the edge, you deserve to be hit. Don't cry about it. Do something about it. If you have a head on your shoulders, there are ways around mosh pits. Run and scream like you should. Don't sit and take it. Us mosh pit guys, are ruthless. A mosh pit is nothing but an excuse to kick the shit out of each other. And we don't want and women to be involved in it. So don't. It's not sexist. It's just true.
Lastly, don't go to concerts when you get white girl wasted. If you are having trouble standing, stay home. If you can't see real good, stay home. Everyone hates drunk people. Everyone hates drunk people even worse when they are in public and can't hold their shit together. On top of that, straight edge kids will target you and beat the hell out of you. And I tend to target drunk people in the pits also. So, don't drink and go to concerts. It's annoying. For everyone.
So, I hope you heed these words. They come from many years of experience. And we should all be able to go to shows and not have to end up hating everyone. Smooches.