(Online) Dating Scares Me.

I always wonder what the people that go online dating look like in real life. Mostly because in my mind, the people that date online, never leave the house. They have their own cave in which they have resided for years. Like Hitler, or Osama Bin Laden, but less murder-y. If you were to break in with a swat team, they would have red eyes, and scream this scream that shatters glass/ear drums. Then start lighting pizza boxes on fire with their mouths and throwing them at you. And finally you take them down after a really bloody battle. I don't know why this is what I picture, but its what I do. Cause I am sure that they don't use real life pictures in their online dating profile. I am sure that they are harmless, and don't light things on fire with their mouths. I just like to think the very worst possible things that could happen.
Maybe it's me, but I just really hope that my life never slums to the point that I have to sign up for chemistry.com or something. Cause I feel like I would make my profile one huge lie to make people think I am so great. I would make The Terminator my profile picture and talk about how I am looking for a wife by the name of Sarah Connor. And I will stop at nothing to get her. And you know what the funny thing would be? Some Idiot out there with a page named Sarah Connor would believe that I was being serious. And ring me up. Because you know what? You can't put lies on the internet. It's like a proven fact.
I just feel like I have enough going for me, that I could still make things awkward at a social gathering for some girl, and not have to resort to online dating, yet. I would walk up with a drink spilled all over me and say, "So, do you... Uh... Like... stuff?" and make a smile that resembles Michael Keaton from Beetle Juice. I'm not really saying I am above online dating; in all reality, I should be online dating. The only difference between me and people that online date, is that I stare at girls in real life, while they stare at them on a computer screen. Neither of us take action to talk to them, or ask them out. We just stare. If I were to pick up online dating, Then I wouldn't be making a complete ass of myself all the time. I always end up screwing up good pickup lines my friends tell me to use, such as:
Dang girl, did you fall from heaven? Cause it looks like you landed on your face!
Is your dad a baker? Cause you have tons of rolls.
I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
In a lot of respects, I look at the shit I do and say, I wonder if I am even in any condition to date. But, then again, Is anyone? Everyone out there has their own respective problems. You just have to find someone who can deal with your problem as well as you can deal with theirs.
I touched on how you put on the ruse online that you are someone you are not. But, it's not that much different in real life. You always put on a ruse in real life; That you are smarter, richer, and better off than you really are. Nobody is going to off the bat tell you that they have daddy issues. Or anger problems. Or suffer from depression. Or dyslexia. Or whatever it is. But, there is something amiss with everyone. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel better about me.
So, in a round about way, we are all online dating under the name of The Terminator. And we are all searching for a Sarah Connor. And some idiot out there by the name of Sarah Connor is going to ring you up one day. You just have to keep checking your pager.

There Are Reasons I Avoid Singles Wards

I'll be honest. There are reasons to avoid church in general. The primary being sleep. I realize that you have to sacrifice yourself in order to get into heaven. But, in the battle of The Lord and my bed, it's a neck and neck race. I keep waiting to be asleep when I shouldn't be, and some miraculous angel to show up n my room, and be like:"What the freak are you doing?!? Sacrament started like twenty minutes ago!! You... You don't even have time to comb your hair. You're an animal you know that?" And he helps me tie my tie, and things like that. Maybe that's sac-religious, but I doubt I would ever sleep in again. But, I always drag myself out of bed to go to the singles ward. After I get there, I wonder why I did. I think you get a certain amount of brownie points for going to church at all. I also think you get time and a half if you go to the single ward.
There are alot of reasons I feel that way. The main being, everything about singles wards. The bishop ought to just fly around in a cupid costume and shoot everyone in the ass. Then there wouldn't be any misconception about his role in the grand scheme of things. He is just a glorified match maker. The problem is, he isn't as discreet about it as he should be. I love the comments "We should have half the brethren and half the sisters switch places! You folks need to mingle!" I think what the problem with that is, I don't want to freaking mingle. If I see someone that I am enticed to talk to, I will do it in the hall. On my own time. I'm not going to sit down next to a pretty girl and pretend to be interested during the boring lesson. I can't rightfully sit down and have a conversation with this girl, now can I? I Would then look like an asshat that is talking during a very enlightening lesson. Plus, The last thing I need is this cute girl I've never met before to know that I snore. And that I can sleep sitting straight up. Or in any position for that matter. I like sitting by my friends then I can sleep all I want without the fear that I will fart in my sleep. Or start snoring like Mrs. Fatelli from The Goonies. Plus, I am already sweaty. Girls make it worse.
I also find that there is an odd atmosphere around singles ward. It's like boosted levels of testosterone and estrogen. I picture it like turning prisoners of the opposite sex loose in a close quartered building for three hours. Everybody is preying on everyone else. I just... don't like it. Mostly because my role in the whole prisoners thing is the lunch lady with the mole on her face. I don't really do a whole lot, I just stare at everyone. Everyone heads to singles wards keeping in mind that their one and only might be sitting in this very room. And that gets everyone all wound up. In the worst kind of ways. You should be going to the singles ward because you shouldn't go to the family ward. Not to wife/husband shop. But, maybe that's just my crazy talk. What do I know?
I think what bothers me the most, is the attire of people in singles wards. The problem might be that up until recently, my mom has been wearing the same two dresses to church since I was just a sprout. My dad still hasn't changed what he wears. he still wears the same boots, but his pants have been renewed if I remember right. I just feel old school in my church attire. We don't have to dress like a jackass in order to grab a woman's eye. I saw a kid wearing a kilt today. Forgive my heathenish ways, but the only words I could muster was, "What the shit is that?" And I blame my sin of swearing in church on him. Cause I wouldn't have swore had he dressed like a normal person. I have seen everything from lava lava skirts, to leather jackets. And maybe that's cool where you served your mission, or where you are from. But here, in Ephraim Utah, we dress in a shirt, tie, and slacks. Not dresses and leather jackets with chains. So, please. For the sake of my salvation, don't be a dumb ass.
Finally, what bothers me the most about singles wards, is couples in singles wards. It's not enough to just attend church together. And hold hands and be happy to be with each other. You have to make it clear to the rest of the congregation that you are a package deal now. And you only need one seat. Cause you'll be on top of each other the whole time anyway. I just think if you're going to act like that, you ought to just go to the couples ward. Cause you are making the rest of us prisoners salivate and jealous. We can't deal with things like this. And it makes the whole atmosphere that much more intense. I don't deal well with you snugly-puss pecks.
All in all, I have more reasons to not attend the singles ward than I have to attend them. But, I keep going. I think it's cause I am sick. And my mom's church doesn't start until 1 pm. And I don't wanna get home and not have a nap after church. So, until I have reasons to not go, I am going to keep whining about the prison ward.