Sports (Smack) Talk

I think being competitive by nature is a blessing and a curse. I think if used in a productive way, it can be a good thing. You can use it as a sense of drive and determination. However, I don't use it for anything even remotely productive. More than anything I use it as a crutch for being a dick. "Oh, sorry I called you a son of a whore and that I said I was going to brutally murder you and your whole family. Heat of the moment, you know?" *Sheepish smile* Then flip the bastard off and walk away serenely.
I actually coached 7th grade football this year. And being horribly competitive almost put me in the hospital. 7th grade boys are about as smart and understanding as puppies. They do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how much you yell and scream. Even as competitive and mean as I was in practice, I was substantially worse in games. As a coach. It was hard for me to shake hands with the opponent after we would lose. AS A COACH. While I would say "Good game fellas, good work." In my brain, I was calling them all unlearned hillbillies and cheap little bastards. Maybe this is a product of being a poor loser, but I don't really differentiate the two.
Probably the biggest run in that I find in my life is professional sports. Now, I'm not going to beat around the bush, So I have compiled a list of professional teams that I actually hate. Not dislike, I hate them.

Los Angeles Dodgers
New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
Miami Heat
Los Angeles Lakers
San Diego Chargers
Oakland Raiders
New England Patriots
The Shield (A WWE reference if you are ignorant. Which I assume most of you are.)

Now I won't go into why I hate these teams. Other than they are assholes. Sometimes it's fanbase, sometimes it players. Most times its both.
I think my biggest issue is, I care way too much about professional sports. The truth is, everyone does. I have come to realize many years, and hair loss too late, that regardless of how much you gloat, stress, talk, badmouth rivals, post on FB/Twitter, This does absolutely nothing to influence how well or poorly a team does. You can eat crow until it runs out of your ears, and your team might not win. See, in professional sports, you roll the dice. Karma doesn't exist in professional sports for fans. You can do nothing to influence your team. Unless that is, if you pay a shit ton of money as a benefactor. Which most of you aren't nor ever will be.
I realize that there is the "Sixth man" concept. That the louder you are, the more intimidating it is for opponents. And I won't argue this seeing how the Seattle Seahawks stadium holds a world record for the loudest game ever this season. I recall standing on my seat this summer at AT&T Park in San Francisco, leaning over the barrier joining in as loudly as my lungs would permit in chanting  "F#CK THE DODGERS" Gloating wildly, as Yasiel Puig struck out for the fourth time that game from my VIP box. That moment might have been one of the most euphoric moments of my life. Cause for once, I wasn't the only one with burning blood hatred for the Dodgers. I was surrounded by fellow true blue Giants fans, joined together in the cause of hating the Dodgers. After saying all this, I don't think screaming loudly from my bedroom, as Peyton Manning continues to destroy teams, helps him very much in Denver. My cries are loud, but not hear me in Denver loud.
I will never say that you shouldn't stand behind your team. And wear their colors to school/work. However, if you are wearing the wrong color of jersey, I pre-judge you. And assume you are probably an asshole, even though you might be a perfectly nice person.
I didn't write this in hopes of trying to bring hatred to an end. Cause that would suck. I do think that you should stop getting in one another's face's over it. Because you contributed absolutely nothing to your teams win other than picking that team as your team (If only for a winning season.) I realize now why people only cheer on winning teams. Not only are they easy to hear about because of ESPN, but it must be nice to always be right. And score bragging rights. I have spent many seasons as a Denver fan with broken playoff dreams. However, I would rather be a faithful loser rather than a ship jumper. My bandwagon as a Denver fan is weighed down from all the ship jumpers this year. I guess I should take that as a compliment, but they didn't suffer through Jake Plummer, and Kyle Orton. They don't remember never doing well, and having losing seasons. They just show up when times are easy. Which is smart, but not fair to me.
I guess all in all, I should stop losing sleep over my teams. But that's not gonna happen. I think I probably lose more sleep when my enemy teams are doing well. Nothing that flipping off people wearing their stupid garb won't fix.

Revenge.

I don't normally do shout outs, but in forming the idea around this blog, I had thought a lot about a certain person. So, this one is for you, Miki G. Middle fingers up.

I remember talking to a lot of people when I got dumped and they centered their form of solace that read something along the lines of "Happiness is the best revenge." I highly doubt that you have never heard this before, but in the event that you haven't allow me to expound. Basically what they're saying is; the best way to make this asshole jealous/regret dumping you is to be happy. 

I think that this is a bullshit lie. I feel like the best revenge would be to see their facial expression as they watched their house burn down. Or what they would say when they found their car on blocks with all the windows shattered. THAT, would be quality revenge for kicking my heart in the ass. Some monetary damage for the permanent damage on my mental/emotional health. Fair trade.

See, what I don't really understand is, what makes you think that this person gives a shit about whether you are happy or not? I mean, obviously they don't care that much about you; they just dumped your dumb ass. If they cared about your happiness, they probably wouldn't have dumped you in the first place. At least, that's what logic implies.

However, I do think there are ways around your happiness, that can make someone jealous that they dumped you. And these are loosely based, but are things that I feel could do the trick.

-Get a boob job. I don't know why this topped the list. But it's one of the first things I thought of. I also don't think I need to explain why this is something that will inspire jealousy.

-Lose weight. I guess this should top the list since it's every one's first thought.

-Become incredibly rich. This can be through inheritance or on your own terms. Nothing says 'F YOU' quite like riding by their one bedroom apartment slowly in your Rolls Royce, flipping the bird and listening to death metal you had written about them by your favorite band.

-Grow a killer beard. Just, do.

-Become a famous wrestler.

-Star in several background roles of movies.

-Buy several expensive items on credit to make you look rich.

-Meet many famous people and take pictures with them.

-Build a pool in your backyard with a water slide.

-Buy a boat.

-Take up an extreme sport; preferably rollerblading. (Helmets and elbow pads, please.)

-Start robbing banks and be an infamous criminal.

-Join a service such as The Somalian Pirates.

-Murder their current significant other.

-Make the news. For anything, really.

-Break into their house and steal valuables.

-Write a biography, write a vicious chapter about them, print the chapter, and mail it anonymously.

-Blow up their mailbox.

-Doorbell ditch their house.

-Fight in underground venues and make sure they see you kick someones ass, then kick theirs.

-Knock over a casino by counting cards.

-Send them Anthrax through a very sincere letter that you forged from their Grandma.

-Trap them in Jumanji.

-Buy a bouncy house and don't let them in.

-Go on several vacations and take pictures with someone incredibly handsome/pretty, and shirtless/in a bikini.

-Dress/smell very nice.

-Make up a lie that you got promoted in a big insurance agency and wear a suit/pant suit all the time.

I think I could probably continue on in this list for days. Because I know what would make people jealous; even though I do absolutely none of the things on this list. I do realize that some of them digress, but they are all pertinent. However, I do have aspirations to achieve one of the things on this list. And that is to become a professional wrestler. I just feel like when these people are living in a trailer park, nothing is going to be more haunting than seeing my stupid face on all the Mexican neighbor kids Wrestling T-shirts that they never wash and always wear. I feel like it will be a good reminder to everyone. And then I am on a billboard, drinking a gallon of milk, right above the freeway they live under. It seems like the best option for me to inspire jealousy and hatred for me. Just knowing that I am doing so great. And if not, I guess we can always lead them back to the wood chipper.

Professions.

I had a job interview today. And it was preceded by some of the worst days of my adult life. Not literally, but I have been way stressed out. I have smoked 3 cartons of Lucky Strikes in the past 48 hours. I don't really know where to begin, because this whole week has been a shit storm.
I guess it all started when I shaved my face. I feel like most traumatic stories should begin this way. The best way to ruin your life, is shave. I shaved on Thursday night so I wouldn't have to go through the trouble of hacking away three inch long hair at 7 am, and accidentally cut my throat then bleed out doing the least manly thing possible. I ran around showing off my mustache for a while since now that I am 22, it's finally a respectable mustache. Then I actually shaved with a razor. It was then that I saw that I had a very noticeable tan line from where my beard used to be. I also realized it's the first time my face has been beard-less since March. Needless to say; I panicked. I was trying to impress these people, and I officially looked more like a jackass than I ever have in my whole life. I didn't even look this bad when I got arrested for public urination.
So, I finally calmed myself down enough to lay in my bed and stare at my lava lamp for a few hours while the moon went down. Then got up at 7 am, and started what is now today. Last night I went to Wal-Mart and purchased myself a sweater. I wanted a sweater that looked like something that a dad would wear. Mostly cause I think it's funny. So I went and bought me a sweater that is much too big for me. Which seems like a contradiction. That would basically be a tent. Only a tent would be too big for me. My day officially started by me waking up with a One Direction song being played in my head. ONE DIRECTION. So I screamed as loud as my lungs could muster, and put on some sister raping, village burning metal to drown out the sound of 5 English butt touchers. So, After this I went to work and shotgunned a Rockstar to try and compose myself. The next few hours consisted of a constant stream of idiots making remarks about my naked face in a manner such as; "I BARELY RECOGNIZED YOUR STUPID IDIOT JERK FACE NOW THAT IT'S NAKED HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!" "LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT A BEARD!! IT'S LIKE SEEING A HELPLESS BABY SWIMMING IN CLOTHES THAT ARE TOO BIG FOR HIM! HAR HAR HAR HAR!!" And so on, in this manner. Well, my shift was coming to and end, and the interview was coming up. But it wasn't the end of the shit fest. This lady came into the store, and wanted me to mix some paint for her. So, I started doing so. However, she wanted a black colored paint mixed, which translates to; I want to make your life as miserable as possible. So, I begin doing it as fast as I can. However, I got a messed up can of paint, that was overfilled with the base. So, when I try to hammer on the lid, It is much too full. So, I take it outside, put a board on it, and hammer it closed and get paint all over outside. Then I take the can to a hose and begin washing it off. When I started doing so, The water came back, with paint, and sprayed me right in my stupid face. So now not only did I have a white tan line on my face, I also had paint all over it. I said some swear words really loud, washed my dumb face, and gave the lady her paint.
The interview itself wasn't that bad. I had to wait in line with a bunch of people who were much older than me, and made me feel even younger than I now looked. I officially felt like I should be playing bench for the 6th grade football team. I was actually happy to be there, because it helped me not be wound so tight. I was basically imploding for an entire week. It nearly killed me on multiple occasions.
I guess in retrospect to all of this, I have officially landed on a career. I am applying to be a stay at home dad. I am as bad as all the girls at BYU. They aren't looking to get a degree, they're looking for a husband to pay the bills. And I feel like if they can do it, I sure as shit can. When people ask me what my major is from now on, I am going to tell them "I don't have one. I am just looking to get married and start raising kids while my wife works." It sounds like a dream. Playing Lego's, beating the shit out of my kids in Nintendo and real life, watching General Hospital and drinking enough Diet Coke to shower the continent of Africa for 45 minutes a year. (Think about that. A nice Diet Coke rainfall. Sounds awful. I shouldn't be so mean to those spear chuckers..) Thus explaining further my purchase of "Dad clothes." So, if there are any takers on this, contact me directly. My ideal date includes me eating a lot, and not paying for any of it. So just plan on that. 5 nights a week.

I Shut Down Your Stupid Government.

Truth be told, I don't know the first thing about the government. I don't know how it was shut down. All I know is that there has been a lot of bitching going on about it. I think I have probably the worst story in eternity about the government shutting down and ruining my life.
I woke up at around ten cause I figured school was cancelled; it wasn't. Then I compose myself enough to hurry and burn some CD's and DVD's since the feds are out of a job. At around one I went to work, and I suppose that the insects thought they could just do whatever the hell they wanted since the government was shut down, and they were swarming us at work. So, I was chasing them around with a fly swatter and doing my civic duty to maintain order in the government's absence. I took a break from my post to yawn, and stretch. As I did so, a suicide bombing fly flew right into my open mouth, and tried to fly down my throat. I proceeded to cough and hack and almost puke. I lied on the floor for a time and thought about how pissed off I would be to die here at work. Drowning in my own vomit that a fly caused. I would have been cursed to haunt a vacant building. I probably would have been the most pissed off person to has ever passed on. Thanks for that one, Obama. Then when I went to get up I rolled over into a pile of loose screws, and threw out my back.
I may not know the what's and where's of the shutdown government, but, I will tell you the reason why the government shut down. See, even though it proceeded to almost kill me, it is all a ruse. I just made it seem like it was awful so I could commiserate with you idiots. Truth is, this is the beginning of the reign of King Jake. I have officially overthrown the government in order to show you peasants how desperately you need a new government. Something needs to change. And I have just the thing you need.
Actually, I don't have anything you need. But I think if I was King, I would be pretty great to everyone. Some of the things that are going to change immediately are as follows:

-No more women sports announcers.
-No more gas station food.
-No more dirty restrooms.
-All Pizza establishments will offer $5 pizzas so we don't have to keep choking down Little Cesar's.
-Fighting will be acceptable under any circumstance if the antagonist is being a jerk.
-All places of employment will allow employees to grow beards.
-No speed limits.
-No credit checks.
-No money, only barter and trading.
-College books are free of any trade value.
-Wild animals are acceptable to be domesticated.
-I get season tickets to San Francisco Giants, Denver Broncos, and Dallas Mavericks games.
-No more reality TV.
-No more idiots being famous.
-No more Miley Cyrus.
-No more One Direction/Justin Beiber/Luke Bryan/ anyone else I hate.
-Everyone will be provided with shoes and must wear them in public.
-No Rip Sticks.
-Socks. For everyone.

I have a lot of other great ideas also. But, These are the only ones effective immediately. So start doing the things on this list. Then your happiness, and everyone Else's will improve. Stand by for further instruction.