Here is a candy ranking probably

Did you honestly think I was going to dedicate an entire blog based on candy? Well, you are only partially right. I like candy, but I am what people refer to as a 'candy elitist'. This is because I will ruthlessly harangue anyone who eats candy that is the edible equivalent of dog shit. You know that they say 'trick or treat' because there is a chance someone will give you a Kit-Kat (Treat) or a pencil (Trick), a Milky Way (Treat) or a toothbrush (Diabolical trick), right? You see, it's not so much that someone will kidnap you, which I guess is possible, as much as someone will fill your pillowcase with licorice or sweet tarts instead of something digestible.

This isn't going to be some history lesson on Halloween started, because I am not a pagan and I really don't care. It's mostly just the practical side of Halloween, in my adult opinion.

See, you dress up because you don't want the trick or treat supplier to give you a certain type of candy based on how ugly you are. You dress up to even the playing field between those who are unrighteously hot and those who are light speed ugly. Sure, the people who are gifted with looks may exploit that fact, but it's still a costume. As someone who is classically ugly, I found that it's more important to make people laugh or be impressed with your halloween costume when it comes to optimal candy gathering, rather than framing your good looks.

The other aspect of it is that you don't want the trick or treat provider to give you smarties because you are a known shit head. A costume hides your identity, this way they don't know if you are the sweet boy sitting front row at church or the one who is a known barbie un-dresser. You have just as much of a chance at collecting apples with razor-blades as you do packages of Butterfinger BB's (RIP) when you identity is withheld.

All this leads me to one point, trunk or treat promotes lazy children. They should be out HUSTLING for that candy like the rest of us. Not walk to everyones stupid car and gather their candy like they deserve it, it's bullshit. Trunk or treat is a microcosm of what people say is 'wrong with America' (There is a lot wrong with America, so I realize that's painting with a broad brush). And for those of you who agree with that statement, understand that you are just as much the cause. The kids who are dressed as Minions going around to the trunks of your Chevy Equinox aren't the ones who facilitated such a dumb ass tradition, it was you; the adults. You demanded more for your children and are contributing to a society of perpetual laziness. So the next time you complain about 'damn millenials' understand that we are a product of our environment; an environment that you climatized and created. You are as much of the problem as the answer. Nobody is blameless anymore.

Sorry, that got off track. I hate trunk or treat and won't be participating in it. Let's get back to the real issue here; candy.

Let me start with another statement about candy corn. Candy corn is the worst candy that has ever been invented. It is actually the worst food that has ever been invented, period. I would rather travel to rural china and eat frogs and stray dogs than eat candy corn. I wouldn't even feed candy corn to a cat that attacked me. If you left candy corn out in a dish, it would never go bad because Candy corn is made from all the tupperware that warped in the dishwasher from 1995, and since your body can't digest plastic, it just goes through your system and they filter for it in the sewer, wash it off with the same Dawn dish soap they clean ducks and wildlife with after an oil spill, put it in a bag and sell it again. You know how margarine is only one chemical component away from being plastic? Well candy corn is like 10 chemical components away from being capable of digestion by any living being. Anyone who gives out candy corn on halloween is the modern equivalent of the witch in Hanzel and Gretel, but instead of cooking you in their oven, they just want you to die at home in bed because you ate radioactive chemicals.

Here is some other candy that sucks: Smarties, Bottle Caps, Wax Lips, Those wax bottle things that have like some kind of syrup inside that literally one drop, the blue tootsie rolls that are vanilla flavored good lord I just remembered those and felt like dying just typing that, Sugar Babies, Sugar Daddies but not like the old guy that you marry for his money and he marries you for sexual reasons sorry kids gotta learn about it some day, Fun Dip but the ones that only have one of the white sticks and way too much of that bullshit powder, salt water taffy, dark chocolate, Oh Henry! bars, Dum-Dum's and pretty much any kind of sucker, Mr Goodbar's, Peeps of any shape or color like why do I need a marshmallow covered in sugar what the actual hell, And although controversial; Reeses can kiss my ass.

I hope you all have a safe Halloween and that you don't fall prey to any covens and that if you dress up for trick or treating or to be freaky at home, that you don't get tricked into eating any harmful plastics. Happy hunting. Go Red Sox.