Bucket List, Smhucket List.

I was doing my regular shift today, and was working in units around the painters. My prior interactions with said painters has been far from pleasant. On one occasion I heard one young guy tell his comrade that he drank too much and wet the bed, in his girlfriends bed. The other is with this guy i fondly refer to as the "Garbage pail kid", we were outside and he started conversing with me, and at one point he offered me one of his very cheap cigarettes. I have been working around the garbage pail kid for several weeks now. I know that his name is Travis, he has told me on several occasions. But, to let him know that wee aren't friends, I constantly call him by the wrong name. Today we were working and he relayed a message from the head painter and I replied; "Thanks Stuart." I also almost made myself laugh. This has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, I just thought it was funny.
A few things have brought my thoughts of composing a "Bucket list" Although I consider myself a simple living man and don't have many ambitions outside of a full nights sleep and full meal, I too have things that I would like to do before I die.
I have always thought that bucket lists were grim. I am making a list of things I must do before I die. What if you don't finish the list? You obviously don't get a second shot at it. Do you not get to heaven cause heaven is only for winners? Maybe you'll get reincarnated as a seagull and can travel by your own power to all the places you would like to go. If I got reincarnated as something, I would probably pick a couch throw pillow. Mostly cause you can still watch TV, and be uncomfortable when people try to sit on you.
Well, seeing that heaven is a long shot anyway, I am making my list and holding absolutely nothing back. Because I believe in myself, even though nobody else does. So, I am sharing my list with you to hopefully get you to start thinking about death and stuff and get real with yourself.

-Buy something I don't need that's more than $500
-Write a song that's so awesome Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Kanye West get run out of America and forgotten.
-Beat the shit out of Luke Bryan.
-Get the shit beat out of me by John Travolta
-Star in a film that outdoes Box Office sales for Avatar and Titanic combined.
-Win and Oscar before Leonardo DiCaprio.
-Play a concert at Mile High stadium and sell it out.
-Costar a film with Patrick Swayze.
-Have my life made into a movie with Kevin Bacon from Footloose cast as me.
-Win a boxing match and pull an American flag out and wear it around.
-Chokeslam The Big Show and Kane at the same time.
-Be the Main Event at Wrestlemania and beat Vader.
-Jump through a table from the top ropes.
-Buy a motorcycle.
-Beat Jean Claude Van Dam at a martial arts fight.
-Be on tour with Coheed And Cambria, Between The Buried And Me, Circa Survive, A Lot Like Birds and Kenny Rogers all at the same time. But I am the main event. Tickets will be $250 for nosebleeds.
-Sleep for 24 hours straight.
-Play on the Chicago Bulls with Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Scotty Pippen and have them all talk about how much better at basketball I am than they are. Then trade to the Jazz and win our trophy's back.
-Hit a walk off win home run at AT&T park and have Buster Posey hug me at home plate then we go get a steak together after the game is over and everyone carries me on their shoulders.
-Buy a house.
-Find a baby bear in the woods and take it home and raise it. He also will maul anyone I don't like.
-Catch a game winning touchdown from Peyton Manning at the Super Bowl or Pro Bowl.
-Do a back flip.
-Be on Cops whether as the predator or the prey, doesn't matter.
-Drive a Maserati and make it go 200 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. Then outrun the cops.
-Bowl a perfect game.
-Be the best guitar player in the world.
-Have someone ask me for my autograph.
-Do a stand up comedy set, and have everyone love it.
-Eat all 6 Costco muffins in one sitting.
-Drive an ambulance for a day.
-Fight someone on top of a train.
-Shoot a bazooka.
-Make a TV show that goes on for 15 seasons.
-Make a clothing line that is awesome.
-Walk the red carpet.
-Be on the cover of GQ for best dressed, but not changing my current dressing habits.
-Solve a case that England has been trying to solve for years, then paint the American flag on Big Ben to announce that America is the best, and I am better than Sherlock Holmes.
-Go to a fancy dinner party in a Broncos/Giants/Mavericks jersey.
-Have a watch that shoots lasers.
-Be an international spy.
-Organize then destroy a drug ring.
-Set a building on fire.
-Have a limb replaced with a robot arm with gun capabilities.
-Fight the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park
-Get married.
-Beat the Man Vs. Food guy in an eating contest.
-Get really buff and have all the girls that turned me down get really jealous.
-Be a war hero.
-Have kids.
-Win the lottery.
-Build my own house.
-Win an award that the whole town is in attendance for my receiving of.
-Cook the best meal in the world.
-Live in the mountains, completely self sustaining for two years.
-Play in the NHL and get into tons of fights.
-Be a voice in a cartoon.
-Be a guest star on Even Stevens.

This list isn't in any particular order. And I know I am missing a few things, but this is the bulk of it. Whether or not I complete this list before I die, I couldn't care less. I would die happy if I died tonight. That's how everyone should live.



P.S. This is the final call for any Valentines that you would like to receive from me. For those wondering, no I have not sent them. Get after it.

storytimewithjake@yahoo.com

P.P.S.S. Jon P told me to give him a shout out, so if you read this text me and let me know you got my shout out. If I don't hear from you, I will throw a brick through your window.

I'll Be Your Valentine.

I think a majority of social media posts at this time of the year are very clever and lonely people bitching about being lonely. I have seen far too many posts about people having dates with themselves and being alone on V-day. While, I am absolutely no stranger to being alone on Valentines, I also think it's horribly obnoxious that people deem it necessary to post stuff like this. THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE ALONE ON VALENTINES DAY. 

Look, Valentines day sucks for everyone. Well, I should just say men. See, if men are in a relationship (or just dating someone) It's implied that you have to pull out all the stops on Valentines. Dinner, movie, flowers, chocolates, and probably other weird stuff I'm not filled in on yet. I also hear a bunch of stuff on the radio (While I am at work, obviously) about buying jewelry and stuff. Like, damn. Sucks to suck.

Plus, if you're a man and alone on Valentines, you're alone on Valentines. While most men wont admit it, most feel some sense of regret/loneliness.

I'm not saying it's different for a woman being alone on Valentines, that's obviously also awful. Because you're alone on Valentines. However, being in a relationship on Valentines and being a woman is obviously awesome. You get treated like royalty. Apparently some guys buy girls jewelry on Valentines. Which would be nice.

So, in my infinite wisdom I have devised a plan to make those who are alone on Valentines feel better. I have created an email address to which you can send me your home address and I will send you a Valentine. Personally written, designed and autographed by me. Which means its entirely meaningless and worthless. But, I felt like it would be a good thing to do for you dweebs. Also, this isn't limited to those who are single. I will send you a valentine whether you are married or widowed or single or bitter and lonely.

I also want to say that these Valentines will be worth receiving. And I am putting a lot of thought into them. Also, I wont divulge any information you submit, and wont send you any chain mail. 

So, I hope to get a lot of replies, and you can send your address and name here (Fake names suggested)

storytimewithjake@yahoo.com

Any Submissions after Valentines will probably still be honored, but more vulgar. So send me stuff before Valentines.

Also, I am going to open up this email to any questions you may have. If you need advice on anything, or whatever. Don't expect quality answers, but I will reply to your questions in a dedicated blog post. So post the name you want me to address you as, or I will make one up for you. I think an advice column by me would be really funny.

Again, sorry for my absence. It's been a wild year, I hope that you'll let me make it up to you by sending you Valentines. You'll be seeing more of me. Unfortunately for you.

I Like The WWE, And That's Okay.

I realize this is a weird way to start a thought. I guess it stems from the fact that I have watched a lot of WWE recently. Not even that I have watched more than normal, I just noticed that I look forward to it weekly, and tend to not miss a week. I know that it's sort of weird that a 22 year old man likes "fake" wrestling. I am in the minority of fans, that's for sure. Me and most 8 year old kids get along because we can sit and talk about CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, and maybe even toss some Booker T in there. (Please reserve your pedophile jokes, you original sonsabitches.) I guess at the end of the day, I don't even give a shit what people think. Maybe it's weird that I like wrestling, but at least I have found something productive to do with a portion of my time and energy. Sorry that I'm not into Jersey Shore, Duck Dynasty, or any other brigade of incredibly mind numbing TV series.

I think that more people should seek after this mindset. I have always had a hard time understanding why people tend to like whatever their friends, or other public figures they idolize like. I guess from one standpoint I can understand that everyone wants to feel accepted somewhere. Whether that's in their school, their home, or on their sports team. Perhaps that requires you to like a certain type of music, or watch a certain TV show that you normally would not. Which, I guess is okay. But if they're really going to accept you, you won't have to change a damn thing. 

I guess I never really had an issue with all of this. When I was in high school, I was always listening to music that was never socially acceptable. I had Chiodos, Underoath, Silverstein, Coheed and Cambria, Circa Survive, and even a little Between The Buried and Me turned up really loud at a young age. Back in the early 2000's that wasn't the coolest thing. Listening to "screamo" music made you look depressed and sort of weird. I remember my mom worried about me, even though I functioned like any normal kid. It was just odd I guess. But, I never really cared. When we ran out for our last home wrestling match my senior year, we ran out to Mothership by Enter Shikari, and I thought people were going to fall out of their chairs. But I thought it was cool, and that was all that mattered. Sort of riding that same wave of wrestling in high school, I always wore a Stone Cold Steve Austin or Batista shirt to warm up in. The rest of Manti's wrestling team was wearing Manti Wrestling attire, then there was me. I don't really know why I felt like this was so awesome back then, but I'm glad I did it now. Cause that's really funny of young Jake. 

Sorry, got a little nostalgic there. I guess what I'm getting at is, it doesn't matter what other people think or what other people are doing. You shouldn't be that concerned with it. Too often I feel like people mold who they are or what they like in order for someone else (It happens all too often with men impressing women) to like or notice them. I guess I've just never had that mindset. If people think it's strange and irrational that I wear shorts all winter, I don't give 2 shits. If people don't like or can't accept me for what I am, they can kiss my giant white ass.

So, I know I have knocked Duck Dynasty and Jersey Shore, but that's because I hate them. And if you like them, okay. I don't care. And neither should you. If you like country music, like country music. If you like Prog metal like me, like prog metal. If you're into some weird anime shit, like weird anime shit. The people who will truly be your lasting friends/relationships will gravitate towards that. They won't care about all the weird shit that you're into, cause chances are, they're into it too. Don't hide who you are. You may never be able to come out from behind the mask. The lasting quote my brother and I use, is this; Don't talk about it, BE about it. ll. So when you're talking with potential friends about how much you love this or that, I hope that you actually are. I'm gonna leave you with one last quote from Frank Reynolds:

"But I love eggs Charlie! And I love crabs. And boiling denim and banging whores! And I don't care if anyone doesn't like that about me, they don't have to stick around."

Merry Christmas You Fil... Oh, You've Heard It All Before.

Part of me wasn't going to write a Merry Christmas to you dweebs. Not for any real reason other than I didn't want to. But I got a bathrobe for Christmas, and I don't know that I have ever been more excited about a gift in my entire life. And I am sitting here in my room feeling somewhat philosophical, and somewhat sentimental. I'm not sure if that's the bathrobe, or the Christmas spirit penetrating my stone cold heart. But, in either instance, I felt it necessary to sit down and write something sentimental for you pecks.
First of all, I mostly hate Christmas. I went to the mall today, because I am an asshole and a last minute shopper, and it was terrible. I couldn't even do decent shopping because I was being hassled by workers and shoppers alike. I COULDN'T EVEN GET A DAMN PRETZEL CAUSE THE LINE WAS TOO LONG AND I WAS STARTING TO GET ANXIETY. And as I stood amidst this mass of bustling people, I had a lot of things come to mind. I have sort of broke it up into a couple of different thoughts.
The first is that of somewhat religious beef. See, I consider myself (somewhat) religious. I attend my meetings on Sunday, I try to treat others with dignity and respect (Laying aside the fight, that is) and I feel like year round I am doing my best, at being my best. I am in no way perfect, or an example that anyone should follow. But I don't think that's really the point of religion anyway. Since we are all sinners and imperfect, the goal of religion should be to help those also seeking perfection. Now, I will stray from other somewhat tangents I had running around in my mind. However, one of the biggest issues I have with Christmas is that it's one of the two times during a regular earth's trip around the sun that people feel even an inkling of being religious. It seems as though in one week everyone crams their well wishes, hearty phone calls/texts, and other somewhat half hearted attempts to cleanse themselves before the year ticks to a close. I have worked at the same hardware store for almost 2 years now, and this seems to be the only time of year people make an attempt to be friendly. Whether that's offering us candy, drinks, or even just a warm smile. See, on one side of it I understand that it's a "special" occasion and that sort of makes sense. But why does everyone need an excuse to be nice to people? Why is it that you need a reason to be kind? I just struggle with that. And touching back on base with my religious rant, why is it that people are only religious this time of year? It seems like they cram a years worth of Hail Mary's, Hail John Travolta's or whatever else it is they worship into one month (Two days even). I just feel like truly religious people would be thankful for the birth of Christ for the duration of the year rather than just on his birthday. And maybe that's the problem with America. We need an excuse to celebrate our life, to get together and eat with our families, to call our loved ones, to be kind and friendly to our fellow men. And it makes me realize that we are screwed.
Breaking over into my other thought, it will be an awful lot shorter. If you are one of the pushy people at the mall, I hope you realize what a dick you're being. I REALIZE YOU ARE IN A HURRY, BUT WE ALL ARE. THAT'S WHY WE ARE HERE ON CHRISTMAS EVE. CALM YOURSELF.
I guess what I hope we can all do this holiday season (myself included) is to practice what we preach. There is a theme at my brother and I's house. Don't talk about it, be about it.
Lastly, so as to be a hypocrite, I want to wish you all a safe and very Merry Christmas. Or whatever you celebrate. I get tons of support from this stupid freaking blog and it means a whole lot to me. I don't write as often as I would like, and I won't promise you that I will be writing more in the future. But I will say that I will do my best to only write things worth reading. To my consistent readers and lovers of this, God bless you. And thanks to those who spread the word. I do my very best to keep this light hearted so as to make my consistent joke of a life, a consistent joke for all of you. If you are traveling this holiday season, I hope you will travel safely. Again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. Merry Christmas.
-The King Himself.

A Bloody Mess

Okay okay okay. I know there has been some rumors spread, and things going around about what happened to me. I have been getting a fair amount of texts and calls in desperation wondering what happened. It doesn't help that Harrison sent out a Snapchat of me being prepped for stitches with the line "Jake is dying" on there. Or Josh putting #PrayForJake on Twitter. Although I know most of you wish I was dead, I am neither dead nor dying. But I do feel like you deserve to know the truth. So how about a funny, bloody story, eh? Good.
So, it begins where most of my idiotic stories begin. I was hanging out with my brother, Landon, and Harrison. We decided to go to Mt. Pleasant and get some doughnuts from Terrells Bakery, the best doughnuts in Sanpete county. So, we did just that. As we approached the store, I got a phone call from someone concerning my new job/move to SLC next week. So, my three friends went inside to get doughnuts while I was on an important phone call in the parking lot.
As I was standing there in the parking lot, a big truck pulled up next to mine that I was leaning against. And who is driving the car? None other than the kid I constantly beat the shit out of in wrestling my senior year. He was from Enterprise, and I don't want to post anything incriminating. But we will call him asshole #1 and his goon buddy asshole #2. As he got out of his truck, he purposely hit my car with the door of his truck. and gave me a snarling look. At this point, I knew nothing good was going to happen, and ended the phone call I was on.
I approached the yellow bastard by saying "Hey asshole, you got your shitty ass truck paint on my car. What are you gonna do about that?" He responded in something that sounded like an autistic person choking on baby food, but I made this out "Nothing fat ass. It makes your shitty car look a little better." I knew things were gonna come to blows anyway, so I said "I'll tell your mom you talk like that when I am done railing her later tonight."
In a sort of round about way, and filtering out a lot of swear words and minor pushing, I socked asshole #1 right in the mouth. As soon as he went down, asshole #2 socked me right in the face, and split my eyebrow open. As soon as asshole #2 saw the blood, he gathered his stupid friend and sped off in their shitty truck. When they were gone, I gathered my senses, and my friends came out from the store. We discussed chasing them down, but thought it best to just get me stitched up. And then proceeded the road trip to Gunnison. Laughter, pictures, and other nonsense.
So if you heard anything else, it's false. We did tell different stories because we didn't want anything police related to get back to me. And because we can do whatever we want. This is the true story. You know it's true, because you can't lie on the Internet, right?