Have you ever met someone in passing, and end up going on a date? I have. And it sucked on so many levels. Lets start by picking out my outfit. Do i wear a death metal shirt, or a pocket tee? Do i wear cargo shorts, or carpenter shorts? What hat goes best with this shirt? How much cologne is too much? I should drive my dads car cause its nicer, but i don't want to seem like i still live with my parents. Is chewing two pieces of gum bad? What if that fart followed me into the car... All this happens before i pick her up. When you finally do pick her up, then what? I probably should have planned ahead. What if she hates what i planned? I hope this car doesn't smell like old food. What music is appropriate? How loud should i play it? I should get more acoustic music. This 5 mile drive has taken years. I forgot to put my seat belt on. Does that make me a bad boy, Or retarded? I want to speed up, but i don't want her to think i have a penchant for completely ignoring the law, cause i already don't have my seat belt on. When i finally arrived at mini golf, i was ready for bed. What if she is better than me at golf? Maybe we should've stuck with a movie. Oh no... Its only the third hole and I'm starting to sweat. I'm glad i didn't wear gray. I wish that lady wouldn't have insulted me so bad by giving me the pink golf ball. How many holes are there? 18?! we aren't even halfway done. I should've eaten before i came. Then i wouldn't look like such a pig when we finally do eat. Speaking of food... I'm really hungry. Maybe ill just pitch my ball into traffic so we have to leave. I should at least finish it and see if i can win a free game... Didn't win a free game. At least its time for dinner. I should take her somewhere nice. I only make minimum wage... I shouldn't. I'll eat so much better at a restaurant. Oh well. Wait... I need Xbox live this month... Ill meet halfway. Chili's. I'll just drink alot of Coke then i wont eat as much cause I'll be full of coke. These chips and salsa are a good alias for my overeating habit, too. I'm still getting a steak. 8 oz. is still manly, right? I don't want her to think I'm a faggot. I'm not even going to look at the salad menu. If i get rare, ill hate it, but look more manly. French fries, or baked potato? Which comes with more food? Vegetables? What are those? I hope i can get this conversation to last until the food comes... I shouldn't eat so fast. Elbows off the table moron. Breathe between bites. Ask her if she likes her food. I hope she doesn't get food poisoning and blame it on me. Man, you ate that steak in under 5 min. Record time. Wait... that's bad. Don't watch sports center the whole time. Ask her questions after bites, not while shes putting the food in her mouth. That costs alot more than i expected. I hope the car doesn't breakdown on the drive home. Watch for deer. And bears. Uh oh... That steak has a mind of its own. Either I'm getting fuller, or...... And then it strikes full force. Date gut. For those who have never encountered this, allow me to explain. Your body can hold in your gas. But, with much difficulty. When you hold it in, it starts to build pressure in your stomach. Think of it as a reverse vacuum, and it fills your stomach to the brim. The conversation starts to die, cause you are more focused on not farting than talking. The 5 mile drive home turns to the journey to the center of the earth. And there is one thing you have in mind. You finally walk or waddle her to her door. And the most awkward moment of the night strikes. You hug, of course. But where is the line drawn? I mean, it is a first date. More than anything i just want to go home and unleash the demons in my belly. But i don't want to rush it. Or scamper off like i had a bad time. Gosh it hurts. One year later you finally settle on just a hug. And its never felt better. First dates suck.
