Grown ups are idiots

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you referred to anyone over the age of 18 as a grown up? There was definitely a certain hierarchy among kids; there were kids your age, kids that were a little older than you, kids in middle school, and kids in high school, then at some point you just graduate to becoming a grown up. I've found as I have gotten older and altogether wiser, that this is an outright lie. I know, personally, people in their mid twenties and thirties who have not grown up even a little. In fact, some that I know have regressed and are, against all odds, worse than they were as a child. Or, so I imagine.

The thoughts of grown ups always frightened me as a child, because I always assumed that I was wrong and that they were right. While this was sometimes true, I still think back on certain events and could argue viably that I was right, even as a child. However, I didn't like to argue as a child, and I like to argue less as an adult. This all comes down to the fact that I was frightened of 'adults' as a child because I was frightened of my parents... Wait. That sounds a little bad. Let me tell you a story that might put things into perspective.

My parents had this kick ass pantry when I was a kid that was just over the stairs that led to the basement, and it had a built in shelf that was excellent for sitting. This pantry was filled with typical pantry items like sugar and flour, but it's also where my mom kept chips and fruit snacks and other desirable items. So one afternoon and I was an hungered, but I didn't want to commit to a full meal or snack, I just wanted to graze. So I went rooting around in the pantry and had a stroke of good luck in finding a bag of Doritos that actually had chips inside, and hadn't been rummaged through and put back on the shelf empty. So I sat on the shelf and ate the Doritos happily, wiping my cheesy fingers on my pants. I hadn't been chomping for more than a few minutes when my younger brother came barreling through the kitchen, pulling all the bar stools out behind him, as though to obstruct the path of a pursuant. I looked down the hall to see who was chasing after the little devil, when my dad came thundering out of his room chasing my brother full stride. I am not joking or exaggerating when I tell you that I watched my father leap over all 4 kitchen bar stools like a gazelle escaping a lioness. I watched Josh run out the sliding glass door off the kitchen, closing the door behind him, and run off the deck and down the stairs to the yard where he would soon be captured and punished accordingly. All the while I continued to eat my Doritos. 

So yeah, I was a little afraid to argue with my parents because my dad was an Olympic athlete when it came to a hot pursuit. And I have never really been that fast.

Growing up is an all encompassing phrase, and could be used more frugally if you ask me. Does growing up mean that you have a job with insurance, or does it mean that you are mature enough to not look at your ex-boyfriends new girlfriends facebook and scoff haughtily? Or does it mean that you are just an old sack of shit who complains all the time and goes to bed at eight and gets mad about loud neighbors and doesn't like kids? Was that last question just a statement about myself? Is this cryptic or obvious?

I just like that argument when people say "When are you gonna grow up?" How would a person even know that? Is there a time constraint or limit? Should I visit my local gypsy to have them read my tarot cards to know my exact growing up date (I'm hoping for good news from her anyway)? 

I think that some people never grow up because they are never really forced to. Some people are born into wealth or status, sometimes even if it's what we call Sanpete County Royalty* status, and are never forced to cut the apron strings, and carry on like a child never accepting responsibility for their actions. Someone is always there to make an excuse for them or defend them when they're wrong. These kinds of people usually don't contribute well to society, in my personal opinion. I honestly hate spoiled kids because I work very hard, so perhaps it's a jealousy thing. Gee, I wish my dad would pay for my college and car and house and divorce and new boyfriend and clothes and drinking habit!

I'm not sure where I was headed with that. But if you are one of those kids and maybe read this and take offense, be sure to tell your mom or dad on me. I'll pimp slap all three of you to the ground.

I think we could all use some growing up; This unattainable ideal of what the normal threshold is for functioning adults. I don't think that anyone is or will ever be a full fledged grown up. There will always be something you can do better. But you can take solace in the fact that you can literally look around and know that everybody you see isn't a full functioning adult either; the ones who appear to be are just faking it better. Just like some people are better at art, some people are better at math, and some people are good at being human Furbies - they were popular at one time and got sent to Goodwill after 2 years of sitting in a tote in the basement, then some poor inner city kid took it home and played with it for a couple days and is now sitting on the floor of a condemned home staring at the ceiling and wasting time and space. But they're good at being that useless trash. Some people are even good scientists!

Being grown up is honestly hard and I commend all people who are facing it with a brave face. Because seriously it would be like... insanely easier to get addicted to crack and have government assistance housing and work at McDonalds for just few enough hours to get government subsidized food stamps but just enough cash to pay for some low tier crack. But here we all are, doing our best to make it work on our own without uncle Sam's help. No, instead of helping you up, he has his boot on your neck and is trying to squeeze every last dime and overtime hour out of your useless body! I guess what I am saying is straight up, keep up the good work. It's easy to look around and get discouraged but you keep getting up for work or school or whatever and honestly just by showing up to your appointments and doing your job, however menial it may or may not be, you are making the world a better, more livable place. Things probably won't ever be an absolute dream, but if you keep your nose to the freaking grindstone, you can get pretty damn close. So don't lose the faith.

I guess maybe this is a love letter to myself that I am letting you guys read, but I felt there were some fair points. Grow up you freakin dips.


*For any unfamiliar, Sanpete County Royalty is an autoimmune disease in which the subject is born into a family that is of self proclaimed nobility and status, relative to the region. Typically the disease is found in cities and counties of low income, and are geographically far from any metropolis. Over time the patient develops unparalleled haughtiness and universal self unawareness. Similar to the Dunning-Kruger Effect, the patient believes they are better, smarter, and prettier than they actually are; but are incapable of understanding that they are not. There is no known cure. Typical signs of someone who may have the disease include, but are not limited to: Will only socialize with people who also have the disease, will only go to church to scoff at people of lesser fortune, will yell at referees at a youth sporting event, have notoriously big hair, signs up for known pyramid schemes, argues with friends and coworkers about which car brand is best, talks about how rich their parents are, has two or more ATV's, has a theater room in the house, has been known to closet drink, will shame any family who has a gay son or daughter, will shame a family if a son or daughter goes to rehab, will shame a family for any other reason, attends all high school sporting events, turns nose up often, is known to whisper to their friends in public, wear BYU gear, discusses their 2nd amendment rights loudly and often, has strong political opinions despite not understanding politics or current events, wears camouflage often, has a truck or luxury car payment they can't afford. If you or someone you know is suffering from this disease, talk to your doctor today for treatment.