Shred Til U R Ded

It doesn’t get easier.

I know that seems like a harsh perspective, but I think it’s the honest truth. The longer you live, the more you understand, the harder things become. 

I have said for a few years now that I wish I was dumb enough to be happy. I often wish I could be one of those simple people who find pure unadulterated joy in the mediocrity of things like a good lunch, or finding a quarter on the sidewalk. Instead I think I get caught up in the thinking that Calvin said best in Calvin and Hobbes: “Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I DEMAND EUPHORIA!” I no longer desire to participate in simple pleasures, I want to be spoon fed caviar in a distant land where the temperature is always 68 degrees and nothing unpleasant ever happens. But maybe that’s the root of a lot of my problems. I never want to ‘stop and smell the roses’ or ‘embrace the journey’ or some other bullshit poster some boomer has framed in their house. I want to get where I am going, and I would like to have been there yesterday. 

Maybe we should all Live, Laugh, & Love more often (I’ll see myself out) instead of thinking that we shouldn’t have to struggle or want. Maybe the only salve we have ever needed is in front of our eyes, but we are too busy squinting at the horizon to notice it. 

I have been trying to rewrite my mindset on a lot of these struggles I have been facing lately in terms of time I spend lifting at the gym. I have been doing competitive strongman lifting for almost a year now, and the biggest lesson I have learned, I started this blog post saying. It does not get easier. The stronger you become, the heavier the weight gets. I think that translates into life as well. If your goal is to continue to develop, get stronger, get better, then you have to keep adding weight to the goddamn bar. Otherwise you sputter, and ultimately backslide. And in my experience, it sucks. It would be nice to take one day and only have to pull 50% of your max for a few sets. And sometimes, you might have to. Rest is as important as work. Progress relies on both things, metaphorically and literally. However, if you want to get better, you’re going to have to keep moving heavy weight. The better you get, the heavier it gets. It’s a Ponzi scheme, and it’s true in all aspects of your life. When you became proficient at your job, did you get to just coast, or did they pile a heavier workload on you? Just think about it for a minute. There is no respite. I truly think that’s what separates everyone. Those who can continue to grow and do the hard shit, and the crybabies. So take a big belly breath, brace your core, and move the weight, bitch.

I don’t think that every day you’re going to show up in any aspect of your life- gym, job, parent, or otherwise, and be able perform at 100%. It’s unrealistic. I think that my point in saying all this is that, you just have to mentally prepare for the fact that growth is painful as hell. It is never going to be a joyride. So just accept that fact, and keep clenching your teeth and push the envelope. Take a mile for every fucking inch.

I think the reason this has all been on my mind lately is that the past 2 years have coupled loss, becoming a parent, starting a new career, moving states (twice), and in essence starting strongman for me. And I would be remiss if I told you anything other than the fact that it almost swept me out with the tide. It seems like every god damn day was harder than the one before it. I kept asking myself if there was ever going to be a solitary moment when I would come up for air. The answer is: nope. I had to teach myself how to adapt. The sooner I came to expect the nauseating exhaustion of it all, the better prepared for it I was. I don’t think that anyone could look at my frazzled ass and think “Now there is a well adjusted gentleman!” But the fact that I am still here, says more about me than anyone could ever know.

I don’t want this to come across as a way of telling you “Hooray for me! To hell with all of you!” By any means. I just wanted to put it out there that everyone is struggling in their own way. The fact that you guys decide to stick around for another day says more about your character than anything else. If you can hollow out some time to smile when your kid starts doing funny things, or take pride in even small accomplishments in your day to day (I flossed for the first time in 6 months!), then it makes your daily grind that much better. Don’t wallow in your despair for years like I did. Things certainly will not get easier, as I have said. But they will get better. Like in lifting, the weight keeps getting heavier, but you keep adapting to it. Your muscles get big huge, both mentally and physically. So stay the course. Become merciless. Crush your enemies (especially the ones in your head) by their throat. PR OR ER.

FEED THE DOG. BITE THE HAND.

MORE MONEY LESS PROBLEMS (I ASSUME)

I would like to be wealthy enough that I could go to a restaurant that I frequent enough where I would walk in and they would say: "Mr. Jake!" and then kiss me on both cheeks (face and butt) and then escort me to a table reserved for me alone. Do you think that this is millionaire status, or would we be facing like multimillionaire status? Either one is not realistic for me, but I would like to temper my expectation accordingly.

Does money buy happiness or not? I think that anyone who says that it doesn't has never been poor before. I think that only poor people should be allowed to make laws and decisions. Because they would have more compassion for how it affects others, rather than only how it affects themselves. At least, that's just my opinion. I have met very few poor people (outside of drug addicts) who aren't empathetic for others. They always tip well, they give their cash to people holding cardboard signs promoting lies about their veteran and/or family status, and so on. When you lament to a poor person about having trouble making ends meet or getting a medical bill dropped in your lap, they always have something comforting or nice to say, or a story of their own to share. If you say any of that shit to a rich person they immediately think you're trying to swindle some money out of them, or say some dumb shit like "you probably should've been smarter with your money. Have you tried making shoes out of duct tape? Have you tried not wasting your money on things like potable water? Irrigation water works fine, you just have to boil it. You are just a stupid dumb idiot poor person and it's your own fault that you don't have rich parents. Work harder, you absolute slob."

Maybe not those words exactly, but you get my drift. I don't hate rich people, I just think their outlook on life and how they treat others is questionable at best sometimes. Maybe there is a tipping point in life where you make enough money and then you don't have to care about anyone else. That might be a nice development. I would love to make enough money that I can turn into scrooge McDuck and can just go swimming in my big ass piles of gold coins and not give a mother fudge about anyone else. Can you imagine how much it would hurt to dive head first into a big ass pile of gold coins? Cartoons are always promoting lies/unrealistic expectations. Like: you'll survive an anvil being dropped on your head, adults are happy, you make a puff of dust behind you when you run really fast, Elmer Fudd is a coherent human and not a mentally disabled southerner, a mouse can set a trap and outwit a cat, skunks can find true love, classical music is good, and so on. This hasn't stopped me from trying all of these things, but so far my success level is fairly low. I identify as Wyle/E. Coyote; for the record. Always running off cliffs and holding up signs before I fall, and pretty much consistently failing at every task I attempt. So anyway, those are my pronouns. Please use them accordingly.

I have been working the graveyard shift at my new job and I spend a lot of time perusing the internet looking at things to buy. I tell you this because I think this is the reason I have been brooding over rich people. I am just jealous. Because if I had as much money as Bret Michaels, I would buy so much shit online. Not just different bandanas to cover up my baldness. I would own RC cars, a jetski, nunchucks, lots of shirts, my cabinet would be stocked with so much cereal, and if I'm being honest I would probably buy the craziest ass sex toy stuff I could find just to see the horrified look on my wife's face. Imagine me walking out of the closet wearing nothing but latex and false teeth, then imagine my wife falling off the bed clutching her chest; then tell me it wasn't worth the 5 gallon bucket of baby oil it took to squeeze my fat ass into that gimp suit.

I guess to round this all out, the point I want to make is that there isn't a poor person on earth who hasn't spent lottery money in their own mind. Also, there isn't a rich person alive who hasn't lived that sorry persons fantasy on a daily basis. Tip well. Be nice to those you consider 'the help'. Who gives a shit if someone is working at McDonald's? At least they're trying. We are all trying to realize our own 'American Dream', and so far I have found that you usually have to be asleep to believe it. But that shouldn't stop anyone from trying, and it shouldn't give you the right to criticize others for doing jobs you feel too qualified to do.

I should end this on a higher note so you don't walk away feeling like you need a cigarette...

Here are some thoughts of what you can do if you win the lottery:

-Visit Disneyland for one day and you'll have $30 left over

-Buy the most expensive car you can think of right off the show room floor, and drive it through the front window

-Buy the Grave Digger monster truck and smash your high school

-Fill a super soaker with piss and get revenge on birds (I guess you don't need a ton of money for this, but the potential for friendly fire is pretty high, and you could face a law suit for by-proxy pissing on someone)

-Visit Guy Fieri's house and kiss him on the lips

-Visit Tom Brady's house and sneak into his sons bed so he kisses you on the lips

-Buy a nice house somewhere

-Take a vacation in Nebraska

-Fill your grandma's medication for her

-Buy a strip mall

-Franchise a Chick Fil A and go in on a Sunday to see if God is eating there and that's why they are closed on Sundays

-If God is at your Chick Fil A bribe him into making the world a better place

-Also give God my phone number so I can ask him a couple questions

-Actually just send God to my house, I wanna talk in person

-Buy your groceries at Whole Foods

-Buy me a gimp suit so we can see what my wife's reaction is

-Take a cruise 

-Buy a sailboat and get stranded on an island and learn survival skills

-Buy a PS5 off the black market

-Ride a Greyhound bus and see where you wind up (Maybe you'll get lucky and wind up in beautiful Nebraska and get a twofer)

-Buy turtles and hire a scientist to see if he can genetically mutate them into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and then subsequently turn you into Splinter 

-Pay for my lawyers to sue State Farm for their insufferable Jake From State Farm bullshit

-Pay Liberty Mutual to stop airing the worst commercials I have ever seen

-Make N*SYNC do a reunion tour

These are just some off the top of my head, feel free to reach out if you find yourself flush with cash and I will give you other great ideas. Please do not visit Nebraska. It's the worst state we own.

I will catch all you money (aka hoe) bags on the flip flop.

Please Sign Your Name On Hell's Guest Registry

Sure, I have written about heaven and hell fairly recently. But I don't care. You're not the boss of me.

I have been thinking a lot about the devil. Not in a perverted way, necessarily, just pondering his existence. Do you think the devil is fork tongued and carries a pitchfork like he is normally portrayed? Or maybe he is some serpent that slithers throughout the earth and bites people on the ankle, injecting the venom of bad thoughts like: "yellow lights mean go as fast as you can" or "take 2 fortune cookies even though it says to only take one." ? Or maybe he just looks like any other white person (I guess in my mind a white person is the most viable to be the devil, but I guess he could be Asian. or Russian.) and he wanders around creating chaos, and slips into the shadows undetected like Bigfoot or some other fairytale hoax like a narwhal. 

I hope I don't ever have to find out what the devil looks like unless I am mooning him from on high, but when I tally up my life points of good deeds versus evil, my accountant suggests it more likely I will be meeting the devil than God. So maybe that's why I have been thinking about the devil and hell more often, because I am pondering my future there. I hope that there is a system where you could move up the ranks and get into heaven, or at least eventually become an assistant torturer. 

But therein lies the biggest question of all; what is hell like? Is it rivers of poop that flow freely from the mouth of a giant poop waterfall, and there is nothing to eat but stale bread, and all you can smell is poop? So it kind of tastes like eating poop. And anywhere you look there is just pigeons. Everywhere you cast your eyes, there are rats of the skies eating the bread you don't get to first. Do you have a cell there, or can you wander aimlessly through the corridors without purpose, sitting idly by the river of excrement, passing your time in hell?

I would like to imagine that hell is some kind of holding place where I could go, pay off my debts as a sentence in hell for a period of time, then move on to the great beyond where I work at a celestial McDonalds, trying to move up the chain and buy a bigger mansion in a better part of heaven.

Here is what I would suggest that hell should be like, it could be like the American "justice" system where people die, get sentenced, and have the opportunity to move up to a level of hell from the one they are currently on. Similar to Dante's Inferno, there would be levels of lower hell for the more heinous crimes, but the upper levels would offer mild torture, then after a time and, coupled with good behavior, you can get into heaven and do arduous labor for people who were worthy.

The upper levels of hell would be for people who jay walked, skipped class, gave a titty twister to an unexpectant victim, and lied to their mother. This level would basically be spending time in a cell where they served you plain rice cakes and irrigation water for every meal, and you could earn rights to read books like Who Moved My Cheese?, anything by Dave Ramses, or some other dry self-help book, and the especially well behaved could watch 1 episode of Murder, She Wrote on Fridays. You have a toilet but can only flush it once every 3 days. People here would typically only spend 20-50 years time and could move on. 

The middle levels of hell would be for more serious crimes, or sins, if you will. People here might be the ones who leave shopping carts in the middle of the parking lots rather than putting them in the corrals, trampled someone at a Black Friday deal, drew phallic images in their school-owned text books, got several piercings, dyed their hair an unnatural color, watched HBO after midnight when their parents were asleep, went to Burger King on a Sunday, wore a shirt that revealed their midriff in public, called someone a dumbass or dipshit, purchased thong underwear, has worn a toe ring, or read the 50 Shades Of Grey series. (This list is not exhaustive, just examples of crimes in the afterlife)

This level of hell would be slightly more severe. The temperature would always be either too hot or too cold. And you could never manage to get your pants off when it's too hot, or find a jacket when it's too cold. Typically you would be all alone, and wandering some kind of wilderness. You would be thirsty but all that would be available to quench your thirst would be flat 7-Up or Diet Pepsi. When you are hungry all you can find is Boston Baked Beans candy, and someone's leftover plate from thanksgiving, being mostly gravy and fragments of mashed potatoes and turkey that is dry. Occasionally someone will come along and their sole purpose is to hurt you, so that would depend on what kind of person you are. If you are the type of person who liked getting spanked, obviously they wouldn't hit you, they would probably compliment you and make excessive eye contact. I will likely be in this level of hell, so as an example for me, they would send a new person every time and the person would want to make small talk and invite me over for dinner, where they would ask me about my work and hobbies (Of which I have none). Maybe you can work up from this level of hell after wandering for so long, but unlike the first level there isn't a prison system to determine your good or bad behavior. So maybe it's time contingent, and after so long you get sent to the upper level where you could make license plates and move into heaven.

The lower level of hell would be for very serious crimes and sins. Examples: Fornicators, thieves, politicians, people who leave babies in hot cars, auto mechanics (see also: thieves), people who honk immediately when the light turns green, DJ's, murderers, rapists, Keith Urban, anyone who held a Playboy subscription, the person who wrote the 50 Shades Of Grey series, Charles Manson, people with nipple piercings, most newscasters, belly dancers, people who wear cowboy hats in public, Anne Hathaway, the creators of candy corn, people who posed nude for an artist, grifters, anyone who exploited poor people, most, if not all, landlords, the inventors of screamo music, people who have watched Friends, Hitler, the inventor of the bikini, masturbators, drug users, most people who own motorcycles, vegans, Stalin, members of Florida Georgia Line and their fans, people who follow very closely on the freeway, and Miley Cyrus.

This last level of hell would be the full blown torture stage. Women would have to experience blue balls. Men would have to give birth. A steam roller would run over penises. You would be forced to listen to Luke Bryan play for 80 straight hours. You could eat, but all the food is on the floor and most people aren't wearing shoes and walking all over it. Occasionally you could find one of those stale tins of popcorn from Christmas 1995, but all that is left is the cheese popcorn with a little mold on it. Vegans would cry about not being able to eat anything at all. There is always someone with a cowboy hat nearby asking who you voted for, and saying he doesn't want taxes to go up. There is a girl crying constantly. You are allowed to drink but all that is available is peppermint schnapps, skunked Bud Light, and hot water that they filtered from the poop river. You always have an itch on your back that you can't reach. When you lay down to sleep you wake up suddenly thinking you're late for school, even though you are dead. You always have the sensation to pee. Your clothes smell like cigarettes. Your back hurts always. You have to go to the dentist every single day and he gives you a root canal. The floor is made of loose Legos. You cannot work your way out of this level of hell. They have determined you are too bad to move up. 

I don't really think any of this is true, I am just hopeful that it is, as I am likely on a fast track to the underworld. If this does turn out to be true and I have discovered the blue print for the afterlife, mention this blog and I can get you 10% off your mandatory sentence in hell.

I think the best we can hope for is a little grace, because we all kind of suck in our own way. You just have to do your best along the way. Maybe we will all end up in hell. Maybe we will all end up in heaven. Or maybe all of you will end up in hell and I will end up in heaven. Or vice versa.

DIEting

Do you think that God invented food, or the devil? Let's just say for argument's sake that it was God. My follow up question would be this: Does God have a twisted sense of humor? I just can't understand why he would make everything that tastes good, lovely, praiseworthy, or of good report be so bad for you. And everything that tastes like dirt, dog shit, and water be so good for you. 

Maybe he enjoys seeing us all suffer? Or have you ever wondered if God is fat and he wants you to be more like Him? The 600 lb people are closest to God? So in this scenario, skinny people would be like the devil. I enjoy, very much, painting skinny people out to be the bad guys for once. I mean, to be fair, every artist depiction of the devil I have seen, he is usually skinny or has a six pack. Can't think of any time I have seen the devil portrayed as fat. Food for thought. But the other side of that is that fat people die fast and have a lot of health problems. Every medical diagnosis I have ever received they have directly correlated with me being 'morbidly obese'. Which I am pretty sure is the highest level of obese. So at least I am in first at something. Sick burn by doctors though, they're just like "you're not just fat, you are going to DIE because you're so fat. You are morbidly obese bro. Do you want to pick out which piano box you'd like to be buried in tomorrow? You fat loser?"

Have you ever just thought passingly about food and it arouses a feeling in you? That sounds oddly sexual, but it's something I am working through right now. I have been doing a diet for a total of 4 days and just the thought of certain foods evokes a reaction in me that I can't explain. I sometimes think about Raising Cane's, In-N-Out, and Astro Burger the way mothers think of their sons who never returned from the war. Just longingly gazing at pictures of their food for an ineffable amount of time, while tears gently roll down my cheeks, and I help myself to a tall glass of water to curb the appetite, like the dumb ass I am.

I have tried to come up with goals ever since I got my A&P licensing in July, and needed something else to work on. So I have been trying to exercise and lose weight. It's been going well, except I have this problem where, now that I lift weights 4 times a week, I justify eating whatever I want. Cake for breakfast? I'll burn it off at the gym later. 64 oz soda? Gym later baby. So I have been stagnant, for the most part. But I have been doing well otherwise.

I have always been a big proponent of the idea that "fad diets don't work" and in a lot of ways, I think thats true. Most diets aren't that sustainable unless you're Oprah and have the funding to be able to do Weight Watchers for the rest of your life. Most people I know don't have that. Most people say: "you just need to change some eating habits" and I hear that, but when you're someone like me, changing my eating habits would take an act of congress, God, or the British Parliament. You can't just tell me to "Stop eating when I am full" the same way you can't tell a dog to look up. There are some things that aren't possible. Whether in this life or the life to come. So please stop saying that to me, it's hurting my big fat feelings. So yeah, I am trying a fad diet. And it's going okay. I stuffed a donut down my pants just to try and curb the desire to stuff it entirely into my mouth like an anaconda, but otherwise it's been fine.

So yeah, I guess I am an emotional eater. Everybody has problems. Some people don't eat because of their feelings and that's something I don't understand even a little. But that's okay. We all just have to suffer through this thing together. You don't have to understand things to support people who are trying to change and be better, or not. Even if someone is just trying to survive, you can be nice to them. I'm not sure what that has to do with food, but it felt like a bridge.

So good luck to everyone who is trying to make changes, whether it be for the new year or not. I wish you the best of luck. If you see me and I act like a caged animal, it's just because I am hungry. Which could also double as the title of my memoir. Just pound on the glass and keep moving.

The Shame Of It All

Do you ever remember when you were younger people telling you: "There are 2 things you should never talk about (to coworkers, I think), religion and politics."? Or was that just something I dreamt or imagined? I have tried very fervently to maintain this status quo throughout my life, and it has proved to serve me quite well. I desperately try to NOT discuss those 2 topics with not only coworkers, but also friends, strangers, people standing outside the grocery store, homeless people, cashiers, ugly people, handsome people, the guy who works at the root beer store (It's a real store in Lynnwood Washington look it up) my parents, my siblings, really anyone who has ears and eyes. I don't want to talk about it regardless of situation, it seems impolite. 

I know many of you may be sitting back in your chair, stifling laughter saying: "OH! The fat man is going to give US a lesson on being polite!" And I don't disagree with you. I am far from an expert on this topic, or any topic really. But this is just an observation from somebody who really despises talking to people.

I don't think I have ever witnessed anything that has divided people more in my life than this prior election has; and my wife is a Red Sox fan. I can't even say the words Alex Rodriguez in my house without a visceral reaction; or the words Big Papi without causing an eye to get misty. But, that's a topic for a different day.

Maybe I am wrong, I am only 29, so I am about halfway done with my life. Maybe things were always this contentious. Maybe everyone always hated each other, but they didn't have Facebook or Twitter to just violently retch their opinions to the public via. Which is a viable answer. But I always felt like there was a common thread among the American people that brought us together instead of turned us against each other. 

My guess is that we no longer have to beat Russia in a race to the moon, or to beat Russia in a hockey game, or to beat Russia in a boxing match after Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed. Mainly we don't have Russia to root against anymore. Is that the problem? Do we need another Russian enemy? Will that save us from ourselves?

It seems that it's all anyone can talk about anymore, either barfing their political opinions or talking about religion. It has come to the point where people are threatening to dismember or steal property from someone if they fly a political flag that they don't agree with. I have one question for anyone who is sharing things on facebook that are violent towards their political opponent: Have you lost your damn mind?

I have always stayed pretty neutral politically because, to me, it's always felt like: "Would you like to vote for Senator Palpetine, or Darth Vader?" I mean, both parties are kind of dog shit. There isn't a single one who doesn't present their own set of problems and harbor a party of political corruption and filth. We have certainly painted ourselves into a corner. And that is just my personal opinion, your honor.

When I pause to think about it, and look at all the knee jerk reactions that people are posting in response to the election, it shouldn't surprise me. You get people who are horrible to each other, you certainly breed leaders who are horrible to each other. "Garbage in, garbage out" -George Carlin

I guess my solution isn't the typical Bill And Ted's "Be excellent to each other!" although I think that is good advice, I think we are a little beyond that. I don't know what the solution is. I doubt anyone does. I seriously wonder what it would take to make us all realize that we are all on the same ship. It's neither red nor blue. It isn't us versus them. It is literally just us. And if we make moves that causes "their" boat to take on water, we are all going to drown. Not just who you hope does.

I hope people who are stirred up to hatred toward someone based on their political opinions one day realizes they're being insane. Maybe your mom needs to drag you by your ear to your room. Or you need to be grounded from the world wide web. Or maybe you just need a hobby. I think political activism is fine, but, just like anything, if it consumes you you should probably stop. And if you are threatening people with MAGA hats or Biden stickers, it is too late.

Speaking to people not giving a shit about each other, there have been plenty of people show their colors amid this pandemic. I am not here to tell you one way is correct and the other isn't. But if this virus made your dick fall off if you were between the ages of 19-60, you would definitely not be acting the way you do. But because it only kills sick people and old people, who cares, right? And we don't know if it's real or not! Doctors are saying it is, but someone on youtube said otherwise and I don't know who to believe. They're both pretty credible sources. Plus, doctors have been telling me for years that I am overweight when I am clearly not, so reason suggests that they are lying, and they all made a pact to lie to all of us. But especially me. I am not overweight my bones are just super heavy.

I am under no illusion that this blog who reaches an entire 40 people is going to change the world. I just don't think I can stomach you twits continuing to be horrible to each other without saying something.

I would like the internet to go back to when we watched videos of that English kid getting his finger bitten or people falling down. I liked when the internet was fun. Now it's just a place for us all to whine to each other and tell each other to shut up. So here's my advice: listen to ME whine and you shut up.

I guess my closing thought/question is this: What kind of world are you/we wanting to leave behind? Do you want to make it a better place, or do you want to wipe your ass with it and pass it on to your/our kids and make them deal with the smell? Because we can't fix anything if we are fighting each other.

In the words of Rick from Rick and Morty, "Your boos mean nothing, I have seen what makes you cheer."

Listen to Spooky Book Report if you haven't yet. It's my podcast and it's where all my creative efforts have been going into. We swear a lot and a lot of people have either complained vocally or subtly jabbed and to them I say: You don't have to listen to it. It's MY podcast. Get your own where you don't swear if you're so concerned about it. Here's a link: https://anchor.fm/spooky-book-report