Why is it that little people can call me "Big guy" but they get upset when I call them "Little guy"? where is the disconnect here? That doesn't have anything to do with my topic, just something I was thinking about.
Looking at yourself in the mirror has always been such a great metaphor for people to stop being condescending, or such a dickhead, or whatever. But when you're looking at yourself in the mirror all day long, you begin to realize the metaphor more perfectly. I'll phase this in a different light, as I had a dream about a more relatable look at this the other night.
I dreamt that I was a ghost. Not that I was necessarily dead, but that my astral body was floating around earth and I was overhearing peoples conversations and so on. Every person that I listened to was discussing me in some form or another. Most of them mentioned my stature, and all of them mentioned my character. It was my dream, so obviously nobody was brutally honest and said: "Jake? That guy was a total dick. He owes me money, where's his grave? I'm going to decimate it." Just my typical self depreciating humor, mixed with my self praising voice that is kept in a dark cellar, under lock and key during conscious hours.
When I woke up, I wondered a few things about being a ghost. One of them is what I would do/accomplish as a ghost, the other is who I would haunt as a ghost.
I think I would haunt the white house and never let Donald Trump sleep until he resigned. That or there was a kid named Bryce in my elementary school in Draper who was a total bag of dicks. We both had a crush on Samantha Paskins and one time he pushed me down on the ice when we were arguing about her. Probably him too.
The thing that kind of compounded this train of thought was the song Condolences by Touché Amorè. The lyrics go "If you fantasize about your funeral, I understand. I've been there before. If there's more importance about the music played, than who'd attend, we are the same." Which is terrifically bleak. It just sparked a bunch of thoughts about what people might say or think of me at my funeral, not that I'm wishing or waiting for death. I also am not looking for compliments, it's seriously been a very introspective thought process. One that was somewhat painful.
This all kind of brought me to the realization that the world is splitting into a couple different types of people. There's the people who are chasing experience, that are going on adventures and taking pictures all the time and so forth. Which I think is pretty cool, I don't necessarily understand the appeal, to be totally honest. But if that's what your ambition in life is, I think that's cool.
Then there are people who like stuff. It's just a big race of who can die on the biggest pile of stuff, regardless of what is useful and what is not, it's theirs. These kind of people come in varying forms, and in some ways I tend to identify more with these people, not totally, but some. I like my own bed and sleeping in it. I like not living out of a suitcase. I just enjoy the comforts of home more than the thrill of travel, and that's okay. The world must have balance in it.
I think both of these kinds of people are fine. And regardless of what type of person you are, that's okay too. I think what the world needs more of, is people who are wanting to make a change. Not people who want change, because that could mean a change of scenery, or the change of wallpaper. People who want to make a difference in the world and in the lives of other. People who genuinely want to make things better for everyone, not just themselves. Not just for the appearance of it. I think this, in it's truest form, is becoming violently rare.
I think, at my core, that's what I want. I want to world to be comfortable for everyone. I want everyone to be okay, and everyone to be happy. The problem is, I'm not really that eager to get off the couch and go out and do that. So I just keep hoping my blogs and tweets make a difference (They don't)
That's what I want to see when I look into the mirror all day every day, someone who cared more for others than himself. That's not what I see, I see an angry overweight balding bearded man who doesn't have direction, only a work ethic. But, maybe it'll get there someday.
My concluding thought on this was thinking about watching my life as a movie in the same room as Jesus. In my opinion, I don't think I would get that high of an honor, I would probably be with John or James or some other apostle in a dollar theater that only we are at, and my life play in fast forward X2, just so he can get the gist of the movie, write some cliff notes and give me a D+ on my life test, and I will be permitted past the pearly gates so I can sweep up garbage on the golden streets of heaven for the rest of eternity. In all seriousness though, I think there are gonna be a lot of moments in that screening where I'm gonna turn to John and say "Hey look out the window! It's John Travolta being sentenced to life in hell!" to try and detract from certain moments. Then there are gonna be times where I'm gonna lean in really close and be proud.
I think you can drive yourself crazy talking in 'what-ifs' and what you wanna be. I came to realize that the only thing I have control over, is the moment that I'm living. Not the one in ten years when I make $40,000 an hour and have a house in every state, Not the one yesterday where people in walmart walked down the aisle I just farted on and was really embarrassed. Just the one right now. And that's a lot more manageable. I think Gordon B Hinkley summated it pretty well when he said "Don't worry, I say that to myself every morning. If you do your best, it will all work out." I have found that to be true.
