I started thinking about writing a blog about football and baseball and how I am still going to watch them, because this is a nice segway. But rather than start more arguments about shit I honestly could not care less about, I have a different direction that's a different kind of sport we can all agree about, that doesn't touch nerves for nationalists OR anarchists. So please, save your sharp toothed comments for another post where the author gives a damn about your opinion.
I recently got into fishing. Not like stand on the shore kind of fishing because that sucks. I like the kind of fishing where you are in a boat. Part of that is because when you are in a boat, it's definitely a higher status than the poors who are stuck casting off the shore. I think I took to fishing because I like the idea of tricking a dumb ass fish into thinking he is going to get a nice meal, but instead he is being hauled to his imminent death. Well, if he is big enough. I realize that this sentence has caused PETA sympathizers to light their vegan torches.* But truthfully, I don't really care. As far as being a vegetarian goes, I think fish should be included in their diet. It's basically a vegetable and is really not that filling. Which is what being a vegetarian is, right? You're just hungry all the time?
I was thinking about how much that would suck to be a fish. There you are, minding your own business, heading to work at the car dealership, you stop to grab a bite to eat for breakfast and BAM! before you know it you are being hurled to the sky. Your hat and suit and cane all fall off and before you know it you are naked and pulled past the surface where some man is sitting in a boat with a pole you are hooked to. He talked about how fat you are and then throws you in a cooler where you slowly suffocate.
This paragraph would normally make me sad, but I know enough to know that fish don't really have a brain or pain receptors. Their memory is like one minute length. They literally can't remember things long enough to even hold a full time job. That part about the car dealership I totally made up. That's what makes me a great story teller.
I was thinking about how easily I would be caught if there was someone fishing for people. Can you imagine? I mean the reality of fishing is that you are trying to trick the fish into thinking that whatever it is they eat, is on the end of the line. So they then eat it. Do you realize how easy it would be for someone to fish for people? In a lot of ways, they already do. They tell you that caller #10 on the radio will win you tickets, and just like a fish to bait you call every time. They have amusement parks where you have to wait in crowds for hours at a time and like a fish to bait, you do that too. People are trying to trick you every day of your life, so I commend you for making it this far. Even if it was by accident.
There was a time in my life where we would tape a one dollar bill to the end of a fishing line of an ice fishing pole, and we would drop the dollar bill in front of the door at the local Ephraim Wal-Mart. We would watch from our car, and when people would pass we would reel it in slowly and people would chase it. It was really funny. One time we reeled it all the way into the car and the lady chasing it came up to us and said "My dollar bill just flew in your window." I can't make this up. So that's a form of people fishing I have done.
Aside from that though, all you would have to do is put a steak on a plate and put it at my dinner table, and I would without question eat it. Or ribs, or a hamburger, or a bowl of pasta, or some crappy Chinese food, or some leftover pizza, or a fruit roll up, or some cereal, or a half eaten burrito, or a TV dinner, or... you get the idea. I would be easy to catch if the idea was to imitate food I would eat. And then I would be racing towards the sky with a hook in my mouth. I do wonder what the people on the other side of the water look like. I also like to think that I would not only be large enough to keep, but hopefully big enough to mount on the wall. Judging by my constituents, I would more than likely wind up on a wall somewhere, but probably only in the garage. I don't imagine some alien being's wife is going to allow someone with a face like mine to be over the fireplace.
All this to say, be careful what you eat, there may be a trap. That's not a metaphor or anything, just goes along with the story. Stay safe out there, especially my fellow fat friends. We are trophy fish to someone.
Hope this made you forget about arguing with your friends and family on facebook for a while and realize that life could be worse. We could totally still be in the food chain and fighting for our lives every single day. But instead, we are at the very top of the food chain, don't you think that's wonderful? We don't have to worry about our family getting eaten by a snake or our eggs stolen while we are out gathering nuts. Well, I guess maybe people in the Amazon have to worry about these things. Maybe I should specify that isn't it nice to live in a first world country? You have everything you could ever want, and you choose to fight with each other about NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. Be thankful you have a roof over your head and have a TV set where you can watch football, or choose not to, who gives a shit? You don't even have to worry about your next meal being a fake and then dying in a cooler where you would eventually become fish tacos. Isn't that fantastic?
"And also, let's not forget -- Let's not forget, Dude -- that keeping wildlife, uh, an amphibious rodent, for uh, you know, domestic, within the city -- That ain't legal either."
"What are you, a F*cking Park Ranger now?" -The Big Lebowski
*Authors note: I saw a video where a lady said if you eat meat, you deserve to die. No seriously, she was listing all kinds of facts I don't care about and trying to make her point that if you aren't vegan you deserve death. If you are that lady and are reading this, I hope your mom knows what an asshole she raised.
