Does money buy happiness or not? I think that anyone who says that it doesn't has never been poor before. I think that only poor people should be allowed to make laws and decisions. Because they would have more compassion for how it affects others, rather than only how it affects themselves. At least, that's just my opinion. I have met very few poor people (outside of drug addicts) who aren't empathetic for others. They always tip well, they give their cash to people holding cardboard signs promoting lies about their veteran and/or family status, and so on. When you lament to a poor person about having trouble making ends meet or getting a medical bill dropped in your lap, they always have something comforting or nice to say, or a story of their own to share. If you say any of that shit to a rich person they immediately think you're trying to swindle some money out of them, or say some dumb shit like "you probably should've been smarter with your money. Have you tried making shoes out of duct tape? Have you tried not wasting your money on things like potable water? Irrigation water works fine, you just have to boil it. You are just a stupid dumb idiot poor person and it's your own fault that you don't have rich parents. Work harder, you absolute slob."
Maybe not those words exactly, but you get my drift. I don't hate rich people, I just think their outlook on life and how they treat others is questionable at best sometimes. Maybe there is a tipping point in life where you make enough money and then you don't have to care about anyone else. That might be a nice development. I would love to make enough money that I can turn into scrooge McDuck and can just go swimming in my big ass piles of gold coins and not give a mother fudge about anyone else. Can you imagine how much it would hurt to dive head first into a big ass pile of gold coins? Cartoons are always promoting lies/unrealistic expectations. Like: you'll survive an anvil being dropped on your head, adults are happy, you make a puff of dust behind you when you run really fast, Elmer Fudd is a coherent human and not a mentally disabled southerner, a mouse can set a trap and outwit a cat, skunks can find true love, classical music is good, and so on. This hasn't stopped me from trying all of these things, but so far my success level is fairly low. I identify as Wyle/E. Coyote; for the record. Always running off cliffs and holding up signs before I fall, and pretty much consistently failing at every task I attempt. So anyway, those are my pronouns. Please use them accordingly.
I have been working the graveyard shift at my new job and I spend a lot of time perusing the internet looking at things to buy. I tell you this because I think this is the reason I have been brooding over rich people. I am just jealous. Because if I had as much money as Bret Michaels, I would buy so much shit online. Not just different bandanas to cover up my baldness. I would own RC cars, a jetski, nunchucks, lots of shirts, my cabinet would be stocked with so much cereal, and if I'm being honest I would probably buy the craziest ass sex toy stuff I could find just to see the horrified look on my wife's face. Imagine me walking out of the closet wearing nothing but latex and false teeth, then imagine my wife falling off the bed clutching her chest; then tell me it wasn't worth the 5 gallon bucket of baby oil it took to squeeze my fat ass into that gimp suit.
I guess to round this all out, the point I want to make is that there isn't a poor person on earth who hasn't spent lottery money in their own mind. Also, there isn't a rich person alive who hasn't lived that sorry persons fantasy on a daily basis. Tip well. Be nice to those you consider 'the help'. Who gives a shit if someone is working at McDonald's? At least they're trying. We are all trying to realize our own 'American Dream', and so far I have found that you usually have to be asleep to believe it. But that shouldn't stop anyone from trying, and it shouldn't give you the right to criticize others for doing jobs you feel too qualified to do.
I should end this on a higher note so you don't walk away feeling like you need a cigarette...
Here are some thoughts of what you can do if you win the lottery:
-Visit Disneyland for one day and you'll have $30 left over
-Buy the most expensive car you can think of right off the show room floor, and drive it through the front window
-Buy the Grave Digger monster truck and smash your high school
-Fill a super soaker with piss and get revenge on birds (I guess you don't need a ton of money for this, but the potential for friendly fire is pretty high, and you could face a law suit for by-proxy pissing on someone)
-Visit Guy Fieri's house and kiss him on the lips
-Visit Tom Brady's house and sneak into his sons bed so he kisses you on the lips
-Buy a nice house somewhere
-Take a vacation in Nebraska
-Fill your grandma's medication for her
-Buy a strip mall
-Franchise a Chick Fil A and go in on a Sunday to see if God is eating there and that's why they are closed on Sundays
-If God is at your Chick Fil A bribe him into making the world a better place
-Also give God my phone number so I can ask him a couple questions
-Actually just send God to my house, I wanna talk in person
-Buy your groceries at Whole Foods
-Buy me a gimp suit so we can see what my wife's reaction is
-Take a cruise
-Buy a sailboat and get stranded on an island and learn survival skills
-Buy a PS5 off the black market
-Ride a Greyhound bus and see where you wind up (Maybe you'll get lucky and wind up in beautiful Nebraska and get a twofer)
-Buy turtles and hire a scientist to see if he can genetically mutate them into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and then subsequently turn you into Splinter
-Pay for my lawyers to sue State Farm for their insufferable Jake From State Farm bullshit
-Pay Liberty Mutual to stop airing the worst commercials I have ever seen
-Make N*SYNC do a reunion tour
These are just some off the top of my head, feel free to reach out if you find yourself flush with cash and I will give you other great ideas. Please do not visit Nebraska. It's the worst state we own.
I will catch all you money (aka hoe) bags on the flip flop.
