PDA Stands For Public Barf Me To Death.

I haven't been in a position where I was capable of showing public displays of affection in years. Aside from maybe the occasional slap on the ass during a basketball game to my friends. But, that is hardly poignant to where I am taking this notion. I think that alot of the reason behind why I, and most people, are so bitter is because other people are in a relationship, and we are not. Truth be told, I hate other peoples love so much. I hate seeing other people enjoying their love lives. Their stupid kisses, their dumb hand holds, the gross monotonously long hugs, the stupid nicknames, the tickling, the snuggling, seriously, I could go on for eons this way. I kind of view myself as The Grinch, but not of Christmas, of love. I stand on my figurative mountain looking down on all these chuckleheads, brooding. If there were a way for me to come down from my mountain and steal all the spirit of love that infests this fair city, you bet your sweet ass I would do it. I wouldn't leave crumbs for mice, or hooks and wires on the walls though. I would take the wallpaper, the grout between the bricks, and even the weather stripping around your door. I would leave everything so damn devastated, it would take a Christmas miracle for you to even dream of having the spirit of love in your life again. I wouldn't have a stupid dog with fake antlers on his head either. It would be a bear, with rhino horns, and octopus tentacles, and a scorpion tail, and giant eagle wings, and he breathes fire between his Saber tooth teeth and mammoth trunk. After I pillage the houses, he sets them on fire. It would be so awesome. Unfortunately, I don't live in the mountains, yet. And I am still working on breeding this animal. We have some prototypes, but nothing significant. And since I have yet to accomplish all of these things, I feel it necessary that I should straighten you out with my vicious words. I hope you are ashamed of yourselves, because you are getting relationship advice from me. It's like taking beauty advice from Sam Cassel or Chris Cayman, it's just not how its supposed to work. So, here are some tips to make the rest of the public community more comfortable.
We know that you two being in love means the world to the both of you. The problem is, no one else gives a shit. Except maybe your parents and family. We don't really care how you met, or what your plans are, or when the date is. people ask these things to be polite. We don't really care. So please don't act like everyone should care.
If you continuously post things on Facebook about how much you love someone, or what they did for you, or how amazing they are, assume that we all hate you for it. I feel like once you post that you are in a relationship with them, that shows enough about how you guys like each other. Maybe even put a cute picture of the two of you for your profile picture. Anything more than this, is overkill. and I hate you for it, and you will be the first on my list to ride my animal into town and wreck.
Keep at least some space between the two of you in public. Especially between your middles. It's really uncomfortable for everyone else to be watching you two fondle each other in public. It's not precious, or cute, or funny. It's horrific. If we wanted to watch porn, we would do it on our own terms. And we wouldn't be doing it in the library, or restaurant or wherever we are. There are certain things that should be done behind closed doors. Porn, and the showing/touching of others of flesh falls in that category. Please keep it this way.
I think there are plenty of other things I can say about PDA. And they should be well received. But, these things are some of my biggest bothers as a single man. Please don't fuel my bitter fire, because I am confident I am not alone in these notions. I'm not saying you should act like strangers in public. Hold hands, talk, laugh, whatever. But, you don't have to act like animals in heat. It's weird.
On a side note, I am going to be on a local radio show to promote this blog. I am really excited about it. I hope that all of you will tune into 89.9 FM next Monday (February 4th) at 8 P.M. to hear your boy yammer on about more nothing. Thanks for the support, it doesn't go un-noticed. Shirts are coming soon. Get excited for that too.
 

Your Moves Are So White. But, So Are Mine.

I have always felt like I have had decent enough dance moves. Enough to laugh at anyway. I thought more especially I would fit in at a 90's kid dance. Considering that I basically copy all my dance moves off of music videos from that day and age. But, as I was standing around moving my head, shaking my pants, and all other manner of white people things, I realized that this is no place for someone like me. Seriously, it's bad enough that I am white and cant keep the tempo or beat. It makes it worse that I am 6'3" and overweight. I probably look like Andre The Giant trying to tap dance out there. It's just not how things work. The best part of it all, is that I am not alone. There were tons of people out there trying to keep the beat. And few were succeeding.
Allow me to sidetrack for just a moment, I promise that it's relevant. I think one of the hardest things for me to do in life is tell women what kind of music I enjoy. Mostly, because I get all the bitchy comments like; "How can you listen to that?" "Does that even qualify as music?" "That hurts my ears and gives me a headache!" "I only like one direction or Justin Bieber" Barf me to death. Seriously, I could probably write a book with all the replies I get when I tell women I live and breathe for metal (scream-o for you un-educated people) When it comes up in conversation, I usually choose to avoid it. I mean, if you really want to have a good, educated debate about metal vs. country and/or radio music, bring the ruckus. Because not only have I done my homework, I spent the entirety of my high school years arguing with my mother about it. Trust me when I say, I have heard it all. And I don't have any false ideas that women should enjoy the music that I do. It comes as absolute no surprise to me. But, that doesn't mean you should get all up in my business for liking it. Forgive me for enjoying the musician-ship of guitar and bass work, and the most talented vocalists in the music industry today. Now, I don't mean to sound so cynical about it, but if you want to have a friendly conversation, and it comes up, that doesn't give you full rights to insult me for it. I would say that by no stretch of the imagination, I could relentlessly insult people for listening to radio-ready music. As far as I am concerned, if artists don't write their own music, it's not really worth listening to. They may write the lyrics, but they don't write the music involved. The music industry purposely writes songs that are easy to listen to, with cheap lyrics about heartbreak or love that you can relate to, just to sell it to people like you. They are making fortunes writing club banging chart toppers to please you people. Forgive me for the stereo type, because I realize I am far and away the minority here. I just have such a passion for this. While my music is not easy to listen to, in fact sometimes its hard to appreciate, my music is actually music. Conceptual lyrics, thought out musicianship, and pure passion behind the music itself, makes it far and away something to appreciate. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean you can trash it. Because unless you are educated on the subject, I will wreck your world. In essence, let's agree to disagree. I won't force any of musical opinions on you, and you can return that favor. That much has been on my mind recently.
Returning back to my original thought, of white people and dancing. I think one of the main reasons I love metal so much, is because it is typecasted for white people who cant dance like me. You will never need to keep tempo, you never have to move your body in inhumane ways, and you are never the minority. Metal shows are about the closest thing we can get to heaven. At least for men like me. So while everyone else is enjoying their time trying to match dance moves, I will be moshing so hard, my back will hurt. And I will no longer look out of place, or spend my time trying not to look weird. The dance floor is no place for people like me. The metal pits full of sweaty kids pushing each other and enjoying music as it is intended to, now that is a place people like us can call home. So, if you are tentitively planning on any dance parties in the future, can it. Meet me in the pit. We will treat you like family. Not like a weirdo who cant keep the beat.

There Is Nothing Outside For Me.

I should really finish my homework. I like to pace myself. And by pace myself, I mean do one assignment, and save the other 20 for later. Later never comes. In any case, here I am, avoiding my math. I have had alot on my mind recently. I have been thinking (excuse me for beating dead horses) about how much I hate people. I think in the last couple of days in particular, I have seriously questioned the merit of the outside world. I have drawn deeper and deeper conclusions that there is nothing on the other side of the front door that is of any worth to me. Let me level though, I always desire the companionship of people. I want to surround myself with people who are equally twisted and sick in the head as I. People who won't shy from laughs at other peoples expense. People who are okay with being spontaneous, and also, sitting around and playing records, video games and watch movies every now and again. I want people to understand why I love Taylor Swift and Rachael McAdams. The more I desire after these things, however, the more I have come to realize that there are a very select few people out there whose company I enjoy as much, or more than they enjoy mine. Because I have found there are people out there who enjoy my companionship more than I, theirs. And that isn't a passive aggressive attack at any one person in particular. It's just the honest truth. I really don't like most people. See, that's the problem I have found within myself. I have the full audacity to tell people exactly what I think of them, and they always think that it is a joke of sorts. The problem is, I am serious more often than I am not. I wish to a small degree that I could fix this, but I also have a part of me that likes it that way. This way, people think I am hilarious, and I can get away with telling people what I think without the repercussions of tears, enemies, and vicious attacks back in my direction. In conclusion to all these thoughts, I have made a life decision. I am eloping with my bed to the mountains. None of you are getting invited to our wedding either. Then after a few months in the mountains, I have a very diabolical plan. I plan to swoop in on a pack of bears, dressed as a bear. Once I am there for a little, I am totally going to steal a bear cub, right out from underneath mama bears nose. And probably kill her so she doesn't come after me. Then, I am going to raise the bear cub to maturity. I am going to teach him all kinds of tricks. I know you are thinking of tricks like a dog might learn. Shake hands, sit, play dead, and whatever else unimpressive things that dogs do. But, the answer to that is no. I am teaching my bear really awesome tricks. Like, high fives, how to drive a car, shoot guns, play videos games, and peek a boo. But, the best trick of all will be yet to come. I am going to ride him majestically back into civilization. And I am going to show up to the people I hate most in life's homes, and scare the hell out of them. It wont be the bear that will scare them. It's the trick. When I see the person I hate, I am going to scream "SICK 'EM BOY!!" like a raging banshee. Then, without hesitation, my bear will ferociously chase and successfully maul my enemy. You see, I think that my enemies need an attitude adjustment. They should really reconsider their moral values, and how they treat their fellow man. The way I see it, nothing can make you reconsider your life quite like getting de-limbed by an old enemies pet bear with an ironic name like "Ted Bear-dy" Soon thereafter, we will retreat into our mountainous oasis. I have only a few people I actually wish to be mauled. In all honesty, I think people should really really deeply introspect on their character and values in life. There are so many dickheads out there. And while this bear idea is a stretch, I would not be in the slightest bit surprised if there was someone out there who would actually do this. Or something similar. I am not into the one love, peace on earth stuff. But the more I have gone outside, the more I have realized that the world is full of people that are more likely to become enemies rather than friends. Stop being arrogant, bitchy, gossipy, and such back stabbers. Just because you are a slut with money and looks now, doesn't mean you won't be the single, broke, and desperate parent that is stripping for meth later. Just a thought.

Texting Is Stupid. Along With Almost Everything Else.

The hardest part about my job as a man, is starting/keeping conversations with girls. Especially when it comes to texting. I don't mean that in a way to say that I am not capable of keeping conversations going. I can converse with the best of them. My problem, is I have a hard time keeping conversations with walls. I always carry 100% of the weight in all the conversations I have ever had with women. The thing that sucks, is texting has become such a huge part of the dating world. If you don't text them at the right times, or in the right places, or with the right amount of exclamation points, you will end up in the shit can. Hey, at least I will have company. First off, there is the whole anxiety behind if you should text them in the first place. I don't even fathom that doing this compares to calling the girl you like for the first time. Having their parents answer was comparable to what I imagine dying is like. You are in a hunkered position, unaware of what you have just gotten yourself into, out of the fiery darkness, the devil says, "Hello." More kids should have to call the girls they like. It would put things into a grander perspective. I would take not getting texted back over having to call the house phone any day. The anxiety attacks I suffered when I was 8 and calling Samantha Paskins house have given me heart murmurs in my adult years. There should be more of this. I hate the whole mind games we play behind who should text who first. Furthermore, I hate when I am always the first one to text, every single time. I realize that I should be persistent, but at what point does persistence turn to obsession? Or at least coming across that way? I think people should be up front. If you don't like the person, tell them to go to hell. Do the world a favor and don't try to ignore them. Ignoring them makes them over think the situation, and consider more of the worst. Trust me when I say, telling someone off hurts far more initially, however, leading someone along, hurts way more in the long run. Don't try to tell yourself that you want to be a nice person. Cause that isn't true. If you aren't planning on seeing them again, what difference does it make? Just be a bitch now, and they will appreciate it later. So will you. Carrying conversations over texting is impossible anyway. I always expect some deep, elaborate responses when I text people, because I think I am so interesting to talk to. Then they never do. I will usually get one or two words. And it pisses me off! I can only ask someone how they are doing and get the answer "Pretty good" so many times before I convince myself that you hate me. I am pretty sure that my boss is the only person alive who can carry on conversations with no reply at all. Seriously. If you want someone to talk to you, you should give them the incentive to do so. Maybe reply to their question, then ask the same question back. And if you don't wish to talk to them, Do what I do, and walk away. The only problem is, my boss will talk to me even if I am walking around the store aimlessly. The point I am trying to make, is that everyone (myself included) needs to be more up front. I don't necessarily mean abrupt. Cause calling someone creepy, fat, homely, or telling them you will never date someone who has a beard, is more along the lines of vicious. If you kindly say, I think you are a nice kid, but I am really just not interested, would be perfectly acceptable. Don't try and say "Oh, we should just be friends." Cause the friend bridge will get burned no matter what. If you truly plan on a lasting friendship with someone, make that clear up front. The whole be friends after you ruin my month and reject me, never works out. Ever. That is just a barrier for you to hide your true intentions behind. Also, don't make up some excuse that "I am not really ready for a boyfriend" or "I am just not ready for a relationship." Cause that's all a bunch of bullshit. Just say it how it is. You don't have to tell them they are unattractive, crazy, fat, weird, obnoxious, immature, or smell strange. Just tell them you are not interested. They will cry for a time, maybe write you hate mail, listen to alot of Whitechapel, chop alot of wood, and swear to make you jealous one day. But, they will get over it. I promise. What I am getting at with all of this is, Shiz is Effed up. And I am really horrified that I have to try and find dates in this state of mind everyone is stuck in. I always write things like this, and think a couple things. 1, It's not any wonder why I am single. Combining this state, and my socially retarded self, I will probably be alone forever. I'm okay with that. 2, It's no wonder I hate leaving my house.

Allow Me To Ruin Your Movie Experience.

I ask myself a question every single night, do I go to bed early and regret what I may miss out on that night, or stay up late and regret it in the morning? I usually choose to regret it in the morning, and tell myself that I wont be making that mistake again. Then I make it again. And again. And again. Tonight is one of those nights. I should be in bed. So, the other day I was browsing someones music library, and came across the Taylor Swift song, "If this was a movie" In reality, I kinda like this song, and most of her songs. Mostly because 90% of Taylor Swift's songs will match my melancholy mood swings at some point in the day. As painful as that is to admit. I feel like if there is anyone in the world who is, or will shortly be as lonely as me, it's her. She can't hold a boyfriend for longer than my attention span. More often than not, I feel like I can watch her new music video start and end in the same time period as her relationship. But, that's what you get when you date faggots. And I don't mean that in the homosexual slur that you might take it to be. They're just faggots. So she should know what she is getting herself into before she kisses the little trout. If you date douche B's, you shouldn't expect eternal love. (That's a principle that I feel alot of people could stand to learn.) Anyway, I seem to refer alot to Taylor because I may or may not have a giant crush on her. Something about her vampire like complexion, and sour outlook on love and life is attractive to me. However, I think that she also puts the falsities that most women (and some men) believe about life and relationships into song form for everyone to believe. Referring back to "If This Was A Movie" and the fact that this song is ridiculous.The line; "Come back, come back, come back to me like you would, you would if this was a movie." is particularly of note. Even if it was a movie, how do you know that he would come back to you? What if it was a war movie and he died? There is always so much emphasis placed on movies, it's revolting. I realize that that is precisely the reason we watch movies. To enter an alternate reality that puts on the facade that things are better than where we are. Regardless, when the movie ends and you return to life, you are still in the same place you were when the movie started. Sitting on the couch stuffing your face with chocolate and crying. The notion that things will ever be like a movie, is ludicrous. I spent my childhood wishing that my life was more like Space Jam. I always hoped to touch a basketball one day, and turn into a giant green monster. I went around and touched every basketball my eye could see. I would dig through the ball bin at Walmart. You would just be walking past, and there I was. Throwing all the basketballs I had already touched out, and was violently digging through them. A little later, there I was sitting in the bottom, crying. Hell, I would go through all the basketballs at school and touch them all before anyone else could, just in case. Ultimately, these hopeful thoughts were eventually shattered. I realized that I will never be a cartoon, or a monster that is good at basketball sent to overtake earth. The thing I am trying to portray is, everyone else should come to this realization. Ryan Gosling is probably a dick in real life. Hugh Jackman probably has to shave his back. And Channing Tatum is married. So, maybe we should drop the idea that these bodacious hunks exist anywhere but the big screen. We all have dreams. But we all wake up too. So, the next time I hear someone talk about how they wish they could have a love like Ryan and Rachael in The Notebook, I'm going to have a panic attack. They're movies for a reason. If it was achievable, it wouldn't be a movie. It would be a reality series. Just like being a cartoon.

Women's Fashion Tips From A Man Who Wears Shorts Year Round.

I know alot of weird facts, and can tell you all kinds of stuff about the world, and metal music that is all around unimportant. Truth be told, I could probably not tell you what is fashionable, and what it not. Especially when it comes to women's fashion, because there is no way I can keep up with it. Nor do I have any interest in doing so. It's not to say that I think women should not look nice, or that their fashion is inferior to men's. It's that women's fashion these days, is so outrageously heinous, it seriously makes me question the sanity, and integrity of not only those who sport such a thing, but more-so of those who have created it. I reflect back to the early 2000's. I was younger in those days, and far less intellectual as I am now. Even then, I looked at things like selling pants with pre-sprayed paint splatter on them, and wondered what the hell was going on. People are paying $50 or more for pants with tears and paint on them... Really? That was merely the beginning of the end. I think one of the reasons that I hated this revolution of clothing, is due to the fact that I adore 90's dress styles. If I could wear acid washed jeans, hockey jersey's and backwards snap backs every day of the week, you know I would. Unfortunately, people think that I am making a funny when I do it. The fact is, I think it looks alot nicer than what is going on in this day and age. Too often I look around and seriously either question my existence, or people's sanity. I think more especially in women, because that is who I am looking at and scrutinizing closest. So, as a way to help people fully understand, I am going to give a few tips that women should seriously consider when dressing themselves. If you disagree with any of these, oh well. I will premise this with the fact that I think that these rules do not apply to mom's, married or pregnant women. At that point in your life, there is only one person left to impress. So just worry about that.
1st, red lipstick. This was common back in the early 90's, and I should, by all rights be a fan. I am not, however. I think that the almighty Taylor Swift is to blame. Her recent album release has ruined us all. It shows her on the very cover sporting the gawdy colored lipstick. Just like every other fashion sense, we all rely on a celebrity to tell us what is nice looking, and what is not. Unfortunately, Miss Swift, you are wrong on this one. Red lipstick does not make you look like you hail from the 50's. It makes you look like you hail from the Ringling brothers circus. Clowns, is what I am referring to. They have cornered the market on red lipstick, and continue to, to this very day. So, in the morning if you look in the mirror and think that red lipstick is a great idea, you may consider wearing bright colors, giant shoes, and a rainbow wig as well.
2nd, leggings. I realize that these were originally designed to be worn underneath skirts and dresses for some reason. It's like someones nylons were too short, but they wore them anyway, and it caught fire. They don't look too bad if you wear them as they were originally used for, underneath something. However, If you wear them in the stead of pants, there is something amiss. These were not designed to overtake the original usage of pants. They are far too revealing, and make you look like you were too lazy to even put sweats on. I can even put sweats on for heavens sake! The way I see it, is if you are allowed to wear leggings as an excuse for pants, I am allowed to have pants painted onto my naked body rather than wearing pants. Then you wonder why people are staring at you...
3rd, animal prints. For some reason, this has become increasingly popular. I feel like it's because we watched 101 Dalmatians too many times growing up. I doubt that any of us as kids wanted to grow up to be Cruella De Ville. But, the fact of the matter is, more people grew up to fill her shoes rather than one of the Dalmatians. Overall, you know what animal print looks good on? Animals. You know what I would find weird? What if animals started wearing human print? They would look ridiculous. 100% ridiculous. Just the same as people do wearing cheetah, leopard and zebra print. Maniacs.

I think that I have gotten myself in enough hot water for one day. I think overall, this can turn into a great business opportunity for me. I am going to start a jean clothing line that we make jeans, and have homeless people wear them for a month or two. Then we give them a new pair, and the used pair we wash, and sell at a very steep price. I can then prey on peoples stupidity in more ways than one. I can prey on their undeniably horrible taste for fashion, and I can prey on people who want to think they are doing something for the community. It's a win win win. For me. Cause I get rich. The other thing, is to combat the bad clothing epidemic, I was considering making King Jake shirts. I need to get a hefty push behind it to actually happen. They would be pretty sweet, and totally worth wearing. Contact me somehow and let me know. Smooches.

Happy New Years, You Filthy Animals

I'm still trying to wake up today, and it is 5:00 in the evening. I guess that it is probably the one day out of the entire year that it is generally acceptable to not be fully coming around until this late in the day. I think that is the main problem with New Years. For some people, we set these goals to become a better person and re-up our lives. Yet, the night before these goals are taking full "effect" we are out until all hours of the night, getting blitzed, kissing strangers, and doing all sorts of other things that we wouldn't normally do. Now, I am not one to nay-say an excuse for a party. However, I also don't set plans to start going to the gym the next day. I have alot of beef with New Years resolutions. That's not to say that I don't think that it is a good idea to set goals to become a better person. I am all for that, because I think everyone sucks, and they could use some bettering. I don't however, think that we need to wait until the New Year to set the goals, and miserably fail. You should just be failing all year long. The idea of a fresh start is ludicrous. There is no such thing as a fresh start. You don't fall asleep on New Year's eve (Well, I guess technically it is New Years day by the time you actually fall asleep...) and wake up the next day, and everything you did last year is gone. No matter what goals you set, I, and most people, still remember the godless whore you were in 2012. You may convince yourself that you are a new person now, but by hell, I will never forget the old one. Nothing magic happens over night. Chances are, you are still going to be a godless whore come 2013. It might just take a month or two for you to drink away the goals you set. Now, I am not exempt from any of this. I am just as guilty of telling myself that I am going to start working out and eating healthy this year. Chances are, you will see me standing in line at midnight for the second Hobbit film with my pockets crammed full of McDonalds, soda, and candy. Later that night I will probably be engaged in some kind of game tournament with my Internet friends. The problem that I don't have, that you do, is you make your goals public, and tell people what great things you are going to accomplish. Then I silently laugh at you when I see you in the same line as me at Burger King. If you are serious about your goals, you probably wont tell anyone about them. That way, if you end up failing, you will only be the only one involved in your self inflicted pity.
I will say, that there are all kinds of things that you can look forward to in 2013. There are plenty of opportunities, adventures and failures that wait ahead. That is the only real "fresh start" there is. You didn't die (unfortunately) in 2012, so there is alot to look forward to, that you may not have been on the eve of December 21st. If you set goals, great. Stick them on your fridge or your mirror. Not on your Facebook or Twitter. Or suffer my wrath when I see you pigging out at KFC. Trust me, I WILL publicly humiliate you. I hope everyone had a safe & fun holiday. Thanks for following this blog and all my other rants. I have some big things coming your way this year, and there is alot to be excited for. Thanks for all the support. It means the world to me!
King Jake, Endless Kingdom, signing off 2012.