Maybe he enjoys seeing us all suffer? Or have you ever wondered if God is fat and he wants you to be more like Him? The 600 lb people are closest to God? So in this scenario, skinny people would be like the devil. I enjoy, very much, painting skinny people out to be the bad guys for once. I mean, to be fair, every artist depiction of the devil I have seen, he is usually skinny or has a six pack. Can't think of any time I have seen the devil portrayed as fat. Food for thought. But the other side of that is that fat people die fast and have a lot of health problems. Every medical diagnosis I have ever received they have directly correlated with me being 'morbidly obese'. Which I am pretty sure is the highest level of obese. So at least I am in first at something. Sick burn by doctors though, they're just like "you're not just fat, you are going to DIE because you're so fat. You are morbidly obese bro. Do you want to pick out which piano box you'd like to be buried in tomorrow? You fat loser?"
Have you ever just thought passingly about food and it arouses a feeling in you? That sounds oddly sexual, but it's something I am working through right now. I have been doing a diet for a total of 4 days and just the thought of certain foods evokes a reaction in me that I can't explain. I sometimes think about Raising Cane's, In-N-Out, and Astro Burger the way mothers think of their sons who never returned from the war. Just longingly gazing at pictures of their food for an ineffable amount of time, while tears gently roll down my cheeks, and I help myself to a tall glass of water to curb the appetite, like the dumb ass I am.
I have tried to come up with goals ever since I got my A&P licensing in July, and needed something else to work on. So I have been trying to exercise and lose weight. It's been going well, except I have this problem where, now that I lift weights 4 times a week, I justify eating whatever I want. Cake for breakfast? I'll burn it off at the gym later. 64 oz soda? Gym later baby. So I have been stagnant, for the most part. But I have been doing well otherwise.
I have always been a big proponent of the idea that "fad diets don't work" and in a lot of ways, I think thats true. Most diets aren't that sustainable unless you're Oprah and have the funding to be able to do Weight Watchers for the rest of your life. Most people I know don't have that. Most people say: "you just need to change some eating habits" and I hear that, but when you're someone like me, changing my eating habits would take an act of congress, God, or the British Parliament. You can't just tell me to "Stop eating when I am full" the same way you can't tell a dog to look up. There are some things that aren't possible. Whether in this life or the life to come. So please stop saying that to me, it's hurting my big fat feelings. So yeah, I am trying a fad diet. And it's going okay. I stuffed a donut down my pants just to try and curb the desire to stuff it entirely into my mouth like an anaconda, but otherwise it's been fine.
So yeah, I guess I am an emotional eater. Everybody has problems. Some people don't eat because of their feelings and that's something I don't understand even a little. But that's okay. We all just have to suffer through this thing together. You don't have to understand things to support people who are trying to change and be better, or not. Even if someone is just trying to survive, you can be nice to them. I'm not sure what that has to do with food, but it felt like a bridge.
So good luck to everyone who is trying to make changes, whether it be for the new year or not. I wish you the best of luck. If you see me and I act like a caged animal, it's just because I am hungry. Which could also double as the title of my memoir. Just pound on the glass and keep moving.
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