Have you ever been bumming around Wal Mart waiting for someone else, and you happen to stumble into the $5 Cd bin. As you start ro rumage through the mounds of crap Cd's like old Willie Nelson, and Osmonds albums, by some stroke of unmistakeable luck, you find it. The soundtrack of your life. The cd you have been looking for since you entered this cruel world. Sum 41's All Killer No Filler. Before long you are running through the store with cd in hand finding your mom and throw it in the cart while hastily promising you will pay her back when you get home. and, "Its only 5 effing dollars, mom!!" So, she relucntantly aggrees. And you carry on. When the time comes for you to check out and you are practically floating through the air. You watch anxiously as the check out lady scans it through and the price glows like a beacon sign from hell. $14.88. Your mother stops the checker, and turns with a smug look and says "You said it was 5 dollars..." You try to explain yourself, but she hands you the cd and tells you to take it back where you found it. Cursing the jerk who placed such a gem in with all the low class cds, as you make your way back to the entertainment section. I have had this happen more than once. And it depleats any faith i may have had in humanity before i walked into wal mart that day. In a world of endless cruelty, i have compiled a list of 5 things that can make you happy in your day to day life. Put down the chocolate, and bask in a new age of happiness, by yours truely.
1. New Socks.
Who on earth can frown while putting on a new pair of socks? The answer is nobody. You might as well have grabbed all those clouds that loom overhead and placed them on your swamp feet. I realize that it is becoming less and less popular to wear socks. But not wearing socks is incredibly unbecoming. You might as well wear onions around, if you are choosing to not wear socks. Get a hold of yourself.
2. Snuggies.
Cold tonight? No? Well, get a snuggie on yourself anyway. Its just a robe that you wear backwards. Not only is it the stupidest invention ever, it comes in your favorite pattens/colors! The actual idea of snuggies itself, is nothing to be happy about. Whatsoever. Its actually infuriating. However, you can be happy knowing that there are idiots out there who are filthy rich because they came up with wearing their bathrobe backwards, made it into a zebra print, and came up with a good pitch for it. Knowing that all the stupidest ideas that you have, can make you money is enough to turn frowns into clowns. Its still America, by golly! So, put on your thinking cap, and figure out how to make a toilet that weighs your poop you've been dreaming of since grammar school. You still have time! Cause i would buy one. I would be first in line.
3. Trashy Romance Novels.
Nothing can bring smiles like the climax of a hot forbidden romance at its peak. The werewolf finally admits he loves her, before he eats her face! I cant help but want to do cartwheels when i walk down the book isles at a store and see it flooded with romance novels from writers nobody has heard about. The best part is, the likelyhood of the book itself costing more than a gallon of milk are slim to none! And for good reason! Unbeknownst to me, people keep buying into this crap. They cant get enough of hot sex scenes and man candy. I thought we had crossed this bridge after vampire days were over. But, its a never ending story. And, at less than a dollar an hour for even the fastest of readers, whats not to be happy about? My thoughts exactly.
4. People Falling Down.
I realize that i am a horrible person for posting such a thing. But, few things make the sunshine part the clouds like seeing hands fly in the air as bodies fall to the cold hard pavement. And, if you are lucky, they will have something perishable in their hands that go spewing across the ground. There is no real way to ensure that you cash in on such an event, unless you let the hose run in front of Wal Mart all night, and wait for it to freeze over. But, i dont endorse such acts. Plus, you might get arrested. But, keep a sly eye out. There are people falling down in a neighborhood near you.
5. 'N SYNC's No Strings Attached.
I debated for a long time over this, or the Backstreet Boys' Millenium. But, i reflected back to third grade and arguing with morons til i was blue in the face that 'N SYNC was better. A blast from the past this one is. And nothing can make one happier than pretending we are kids again. Back before Lance Bass admitted he was gay. Before Justin Timberlake tried to act. And before the rest of the crew died with their overnight fame. Whats not to be happy about? I'll do you one better. Walk into any thrift store, and the chances of finding this CD for less than a dollar, are about 104%. Crank the tunes, and turn down the stress as you jam out to "Bye Bye Bye". Dont rock too hard though, you might tip over the minivan.
