Public Enemy Number One

The truth behind why I am up this late, is that I was watching YouTube videos with friends. And of course we had to watch Rebecca Blacks Friday. Which means that terrible song was stuck in my head by the time I meandered to bed. And I knew if I were to wake up singing such a song, it would set a horrible tone for the horrible day approaching, so I decided to replace it with metal to sing to. Have you noticed how far YouTube has gone down the hole? I feel like back in the day, the most viewed videos were Charlie Bit My Finger and other hilarious videos, and they were so easy to find! Now you have to wade through ten shades of garbage to find something worth watching. So many knock off videos, and attempts at copying that it makes my life a literal hell. I hope that in the future, I wont have these problems. I will just think of the video I want to view and it will come up on my projector screen. No more walking around looking for the clicker, no more trying to remember the exact title of things, its effortless. Just the way my life should be. Instead, if I want to find an interview with someone, I have to wallow through interviews with people I truly don't care about. I think I'm the real problem in today's society.  I want everything at my fingertips, and I want it right now. I am constantly coming up with weird schemes to get by doing as little as possible. Cheating, lying, stealing, hiding at work, snoozing my alarm clock, avoiding class cause I forgot to do my homework, cooking things in my microwave that weren't designed for such a thing, looking at my phone to avoid conversations with people, wearing headphones to avoid new people, the list goes on, and on. Truth is, if I could get by and not have to do anything, I would. I would honestly spend my days in the woods cutting down trees and living off the land. The problem is, I suck at hunting, and I would probably get cold. But, if I got my check for doing nothing quarterly, I could buy an electric blanket... See how I worked out my problem with doing nothing? It's foolproof. I feel like the movie Wall E was pretty spot on in the way our society is headed. Living our lives through other people, and machines are doing everything for us. Part of me likes that, the other part hates it. I would like a machine to take care of things I don't want to do. I would never have to break up with girlfriends (or lack thereof) again, I wouldn't have to hit on girls, or ask them for their number, I wouldn't have to dress myself, I wouldn't have to write hate mail to Canadian celebrities, I wouldn't have to decorate my house at Christmas time, I wouldn't have to cook, I wouldn't have to tell my friends that they are being jackasses, and all these things I would be 100% okay with. There are a few things I would miss though, growing my own beard, cutting firewood, moshing at a metal concert, cheer on John Cena at Wrestlemania, watching Mick Foley matches with my best friend, taking walks to think about why my life is in shambles, having big fires, egging people that I hates car, impersonating actors, putting on new socks, and watching people fall down are just a few. If all were to go well, we would just have the machines work for the things we don't want to. It's probably alot like having a slave or a sweat shop. You make the one time purchase of the machine, and it's yours forever. To do all the things you don't want to, while you drink minty drinks on the porch of your house. I just see too many people abusing it, is the problem. You know some jackass is going to get a hold of this machine and decide he wants to rule all the machines. And King Jake is going to have to come up with a solution. It's just alot more trouble than it is worth. In my opinion, i think we should rewind it back a few years, and live like that again. You barter with food, you grow your own dinner, and everyone is self sufficient and happy. Just an idea. They seemed to be alot happier. They would complain about how the plow is broken or the horse is dead. Not, I cant find this damn YouTube video!

Thankful... That It's Not Christmas.

It's officially November 16th. For those of you inbreds who aren't familiar with the American calender, that means that Thanksgiving hasn't even come and gone yet. We should be putting our pilgrim outfits on, shooting turkeys, and giving Indians syphilis. Instead, we are prancing around in green and red, listening to Carol of the bells, and hanging up lights that are borderline to giving someone a seizure. I realize that Christmas is a big holiday, possibly the biggest. That doesn't however mean that we should be celebrating it a month early, or heaven forbid earlier than that. But, however, we are all dressed in our Christmas sweaters already. Blame it on the cold, but you can't hide your heresy. I was walking through Wal-Mart not one, but two weeks ago. You know what music was playing on the loud speakers? Some ungodly Christmas tune. I about torched the place and claimed it as treason. I wonder what Paul Revere would think if he were to see us not being thankful at all, and purchasing presents. He would probably go on another ride, but turning over cars and starting riots along his way. Okay, maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration. But, who knows what his true character was. While it is the season to be thankful, I try and think about what I am thankful for. I think that I could name a lot of things that I am Not thankful for pretty easily. Women folk, lines at shopping centers/amusement  parks, overpriced gasoline, the San Diego Chargers, healthy food, and current fashion. Naming things I am thankful for is harder. Which might be the reason the holiday exists. So, I think it's safe to say that I am not a huge advocate of Thanksgiving. As much as I love getting a plate full of food and murdering it with gravy, I couldn't say that it's my favorite. I think that my favorite holiday is probably my birthday. For several reasons. Every other holiday is designed to help you remember something or somebody else. My birthday is to help you remember how great I am, however. On March 6th, you should be thinking of me for the entirety of the day. I don't have to do the dishes, cook, or buy anything. People wait on me hand and foot, and it is far and away my favorite holiday. You don't however see me demanding that people prepare for it a month or more in advance. If we were to go by Christmas standards, we should start preparing for my birthday around the time your New Years chocolate hangover wears off. Along with your resolutions. We really wouldn't have time to celebrate any holidays cause we would be too busy preparing for the next one. So, if you have a Christmas tree up, put your lights up, or have gone through more than half of your Christmas shopping list, consider stomping your own toes. Especially if you have your shopping done but have yet to clean the house, flossed this year, or taken down the majority of your Halloween decorations. If you are this on the ball for Christmas, shouldn't it be year round? Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Well... That isn't the entire truth. Don't even get me started on Valentines. At least not this soon before it's time to start preparing for it. Enjoy the cold weather and presents that were bought with bounced checks you ingrates. I'm going to go eat some turkey and cranberry sauce. And, with any luck, get an Indian sick, Like a true American.

Endless Kingdom 2016

I was sitting on Facebook the night of elections, which was a horrible decision in the first place. The amount of boobing that went on was insurmountable. Truthfully, part of me sympathises with the boobers, but the other, better, part of me believes that they can only blame themselves. While we are all going to have to shuffle through another four years of un-change, know that you had the opportunity to change the country for the better, and for permanent. We all could have penciled me in on the ballot, but i am confident that I was the only one who did so. So, while you are all job hungry and getting Obamacare in the forthcoming months, I will be polishing my platform and gearing up for 2016. Because I never lose twice. Ever. So, the first order of business, goes as follows. As an official announcement from the King Jake team, I have officially chosen a running mate for 2016. Endless Matt Peterson. I am excited and confident about this decision. He and i together make one of the worlds greatest teams. I know because our wrestling tag team were world champions. We have put our heads together on some great ideas that are going to change the country for good. One of the first orders of business, is to elect a Cesar, who operates a Colosseum that we run prisoners through. Its going to be great, because death row is finally exciting again. Its not wait around for 10 years to get a lethal injection, its wait for a couple years, and if no evidence is found, you're going to be running with Siegfried and Roy's tigers, someone else's lions, and my pet bear. We have filled the Cesar's position, so don't come asking. We are going to change the mindset of welfare, also. There isn't going to be any. If you can't afford the things you have, ask relatives for money, beg for it, or pawn it. It's going to be a survival of the fittest kind of country, No more leechers. We are going to stop importing anything from other countries, and are going to make everything here in America again. So, say goodbye to alot of things, but, say hello to more jobs, and being self sufficient. Which is why there will be no need for welfare, cause there will be jobs for everyone. The kingdom is going to be endless. While there is no possible way to please everyone, this is going to be a shot in the dark at getting as close as possible. Which is why we are starting early on our campaign. We need your vote and support.
Cordially yours,
King Jake

I'm Too Old For This Crap

I'm really not in a good state of mind to be writing anything right now. Thus, why I'm not doing homework. I find that some of my best ideas come from a cloudy state of mind. When everything makes sense, golden bars of ideas are birthed from my simple mind. I'm not sure if my problems are more prominent than normal, or if I'm making them out to be bigger than normal. In either case, my problems are huge right now. Let's be honest, I'm not starving for food, I have a house, with a heater, I'm going to college, I have nice clothes on my back and money in my pocket. So what kind of problems could I be having? Alot. They're called first world problems. Most days they are impossible to work out, too. I won't go into what they are because that's stupid, and boring. Amidst all my pouting, however, I did have some good thoughts. I was watching my nephews cruise around today, and they seemed to have alot less problems than me. I think the biggest problem of the day was who gets which Matchbox car to throw at their mother and I's feet. It got pretty heated and almost ended in bloodshed. What a life that would be. Someone to feed you, clothe you, pay your bills, and even wipe your ass. I should have cherished those days more fully. Cause now i can't not only get no one to love me as much as people did back then, I have to feed myself, clothe myself, and no one offers me any comfort when I cry. Which is never. I think at the end of the day, There's not alot I wouldn't do to be 6 again. If you need a kiss, just start a game of kissing tag at school. Even if you get kissed by the big soccer girl with short hair, totally worth it if the hot girls kisses you too. Little kids have the coolest stuff also. I have looked for eons to try and find light up shoes for my size 13 foot. They don't exist. Plus, if you wear little kids backpacks, and are my size, you look like an idiot that's wearing a Camelback to school. Even if it has Goosebumps on it, you still look ridiculous, trust me. I remember when there was scheduled nap time in school, and I fought against it. I think now, What's your problem? I would give a kidney to have scheduled nap time in school. I would give a kidney to not have to go to school period. The things you want, are significantly cheaper back then. I remember saving $30 to get a hot wheels track. Now, I have to save $400 to get an Xbox 360. It's stupid. Being a little kid was the life. Fighting, playing, and not worrying about anything 100% of the time. Being an adult is fighting, not playing, and worrying about everything 100% of the time. In a nutshell, it's hell to get old. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat some glue and smear paint on my parents walls for nostalgic purposes.

Winter Blu... Snooze

Lets face it, Winter is coming whether you like it or not. I'm already hearing people cry baby about how cold it is. So, lets face it two times, I'm doing a majority of the cry babying. Although I would much rather be cold than hot, I'm still miserable for most of the year. I do okay in Autumn and Spring. But I hate Summer and Winter. Mostly Summer though. I can always put on a coat. I can't, however, take off my shirt. Well, not legally anyway. And, so it begins. Another several months of me frowning, and constant complaints about something. If I could, I would totally stuff my face with weeds, leaves, and sticks and sleep in a cave for the forth coming winter months. However, I inherited my dads weak stomach and there is no chance I could choke down mud and branches. Why do you think I don't eat salad? It's not that I don't want to eat salad, It's that I don't want to eat salad, and can't eat salad. On top of that, I can't sleep for too long. As glorious as hibernating sounds, I find that I have the worlds weirdest dreams if I sleep for longer than 8-9 hours. The other night, I had a dream that I walked into a famous casino with Dustin Hoffman and was immediately happy thinking I would make a lot of money with him. The only problem was, I still didn't have any money. So, we sat down at the table and our dealer, who was subsequently Jack Nicholson dressed as the Joker from Batman, and he said we could play on credit. When we started, I noticed that we were in a casino with dinosaurs in it. So, we started running away from them on my motorcycle. I woke up in a really cold sweat. At noon. As much as I would like to think that I have in common with bears, I have to hand it to them, they can eat healthier and sleep more than I. I can beat them in fights though... In the end, I will probably take no proper precautions to battle the winter months. I don't even have a coat as of yet. All I have is my beard and scattered newspaper to keep me warm. I will be frowning and muttering dirty swears under my breath for the next 4-5 months. Sure, it's my own fault. But, that won't stop me from complaining about it.