A Bloody Mess

Okay okay okay. I know there has been some rumors spread, and things going around about what happened to me. I have been getting a fair amount of texts and calls in desperation wondering what happened. It doesn't help that Harrison sent out a Snapchat of me being prepped for stitches with the line "Jake is dying" on there. Or Josh putting #PrayForJake on Twitter. Although I know most of you wish I was dead, I am neither dead nor dying. But I do feel like you deserve to know the truth. So how about a funny, bloody story, eh? Good.
So, it begins where most of my idiotic stories begin. I was hanging out with my brother, Landon, and Harrison. We decided to go to Mt. Pleasant and get some doughnuts from Terrells Bakery, the best doughnuts in Sanpete county. So, we did just that. As we approached the store, I got a phone call from someone concerning my new job/move to SLC next week. So, my three friends went inside to get doughnuts while I was on an important phone call in the parking lot.
As I was standing there in the parking lot, a big truck pulled up next to mine that I was leaning against. And who is driving the car? None other than the kid I constantly beat the shit out of in wrestling my senior year. He was from Enterprise, and I don't want to post anything incriminating. But we will call him asshole #1 and his goon buddy asshole #2. As he got out of his truck, he purposely hit my car with the door of his truck. and gave me a snarling look. At this point, I knew nothing good was going to happen, and ended the phone call I was on.
I approached the yellow bastard by saying "Hey asshole, you got your shitty ass truck paint on my car. What are you gonna do about that?" He responded in something that sounded like an autistic person choking on baby food, but I made this out "Nothing fat ass. It makes your shitty car look a little better." I knew things were gonna come to blows anyway, so I said "I'll tell your mom you talk like that when I am done railing her later tonight."
In a sort of round about way, and filtering out a lot of swear words and minor pushing, I socked asshole #1 right in the mouth. As soon as he went down, asshole #2 socked me right in the face, and split my eyebrow open. As soon as asshole #2 saw the blood, he gathered his stupid friend and sped off in their shitty truck. When they were gone, I gathered my senses, and my friends came out from the store. We discussed chasing them down, but thought it best to just get me stitched up. And then proceeded the road trip to Gunnison. Laughter, pictures, and other nonsense.
So if you heard anything else, it's false. We did tell different stories because we didn't want anything police related to get back to me. And because we can do whatever we want. This is the true story. You know it's true, because you can't lie on the Internet, right?