I Shut Down Your Stupid Government.

Truth be told, I don't know the first thing about the government. I don't know how it was shut down. All I know is that there has been a lot of bitching going on about it. I think I have probably the worst story in eternity about the government shutting down and ruining my life.
I woke up at around ten cause I figured school was cancelled; it wasn't. Then I compose myself enough to hurry and burn some CD's and DVD's since the feds are out of a job. At around one I went to work, and I suppose that the insects thought they could just do whatever the hell they wanted since the government was shut down, and they were swarming us at work. So, I was chasing them around with a fly swatter and doing my civic duty to maintain order in the government's absence. I took a break from my post to yawn, and stretch. As I did so, a suicide bombing fly flew right into my open mouth, and tried to fly down my throat. I proceeded to cough and hack and almost puke. I lied on the floor for a time and thought about how pissed off I would be to die here at work. Drowning in my own vomit that a fly caused. I would have been cursed to haunt a vacant building. I probably would have been the most pissed off person to has ever passed on. Thanks for that one, Obama. Then when I went to get up I rolled over into a pile of loose screws, and threw out my back.
I may not know the what's and where's of the shutdown government, but, I will tell you the reason why the government shut down. See, even though it proceeded to almost kill me, it is all a ruse. I just made it seem like it was awful so I could commiserate with you idiots. Truth is, this is the beginning of the reign of King Jake. I have officially overthrown the government in order to show you peasants how desperately you need a new government. Something needs to change. And I have just the thing you need.
Actually, I don't have anything you need. But I think if I was King, I would be pretty great to everyone. Some of the things that are going to change immediately are as follows:

-No more women sports announcers.
-No more gas station food.
-No more dirty restrooms.
-All Pizza establishments will offer $5 pizzas so we don't have to keep choking down Little Cesar's.
-Fighting will be acceptable under any circumstance if the antagonist is being a jerk.
-All places of employment will allow employees to grow beards.
-No speed limits.
-No credit checks.
-No money, only barter and trading.
-College books are free of any trade value.
-Wild animals are acceptable to be domesticated.
-I get season tickets to San Francisco Giants, Denver Broncos, and Dallas Mavericks games.
-No more reality TV.
-No more idiots being famous.
-No more Miley Cyrus.
-No more One Direction/Justin Beiber/Luke Bryan/ anyone else I hate.
-Everyone will be provided with shoes and must wear them in public.
-No Rip Sticks.
-Socks. For everyone.

I have a lot of other great ideas also. But, These are the only ones effective immediately. So start doing the things on this list. Then your happiness, and everyone Else's will improve. Stand by for further instruction.