Revenge.

I don't normally do shout outs, but in forming the idea around this blog, I had thought a lot about a certain person. So, this one is for you, Miki G. Middle fingers up.

I remember talking to a lot of people when I got dumped and they centered their form of solace that read something along the lines of "Happiness is the best revenge." I highly doubt that you have never heard this before, but in the event that you haven't allow me to expound. Basically what they're saying is; the best way to make this asshole jealous/regret dumping you is to be happy. 

I think that this is a bullshit lie. I feel like the best revenge would be to see their facial expression as they watched their house burn down. Or what they would say when they found their car on blocks with all the windows shattered. THAT, would be quality revenge for kicking my heart in the ass. Some monetary damage for the permanent damage on my mental/emotional health. Fair trade.

See, what I don't really understand is, what makes you think that this person gives a shit about whether you are happy or not? I mean, obviously they don't care that much about you; they just dumped your dumb ass. If they cared about your happiness, they probably wouldn't have dumped you in the first place. At least, that's what logic implies.

However, I do think there are ways around your happiness, that can make someone jealous that they dumped you. And these are loosely based, but are things that I feel could do the trick.

-Get a boob job. I don't know why this topped the list. But it's one of the first things I thought of. I also don't think I need to explain why this is something that will inspire jealousy.

-Lose weight. I guess this should top the list since it's every one's first thought.

-Become incredibly rich. This can be through inheritance or on your own terms. Nothing says 'F YOU' quite like riding by their one bedroom apartment slowly in your Rolls Royce, flipping the bird and listening to death metal you had written about them by your favorite band.

-Grow a killer beard. Just, do.

-Become a famous wrestler.

-Star in several background roles of movies.

-Buy several expensive items on credit to make you look rich.

-Meet many famous people and take pictures with them.

-Build a pool in your backyard with a water slide.

-Buy a boat.

-Take up an extreme sport; preferably rollerblading. (Helmets and elbow pads, please.)

-Start robbing banks and be an infamous criminal.

-Join a service such as The Somalian Pirates.

-Murder their current significant other.

-Make the news. For anything, really.

-Break into their house and steal valuables.

-Write a biography, write a vicious chapter about them, print the chapter, and mail it anonymously.

-Blow up their mailbox.

-Doorbell ditch their house.

-Fight in underground venues and make sure they see you kick someones ass, then kick theirs.

-Knock over a casino by counting cards.

-Send them Anthrax through a very sincere letter that you forged from their Grandma.

-Trap them in Jumanji.

-Buy a bouncy house and don't let them in.

-Go on several vacations and take pictures with someone incredibly handsome/pretty, and shirtless/in a bikini.

-Dress/smell very nice.

-Make up a lie that you got promoted in a big insurance agency and wear a suit/pant suit all the time.

I think I could probably continue on in this list for days. Because I know what would make people jealous; even though I do absolutely none of the things on this list. I do realize that some of them digress, but they are all pertinent. However, I do have aspirations to achieve one of the things on this list. And that is to become a professional wrestler. I just feel like when these people are living in a trailer park, nothing is going to be more haunting than seeing my stupid face on all the Mexican neighbor kids Wrestling T-shirts that they never wash and always wear. I feel like it will be a good reminder to everyone. And then I am on a billboard, drinking a gallon of milk, right above the freeway they live under. It seems like the best option for me to inspire jealousy and hatred for me. Just knowing that I am doing so great. And if not, I guess we can always lead them back to the wood chipper.