Bucket List, Smhucket List.

I was doing my regular shift today, and was working in units around the painters. My prior interactions with said painters has been far from pleasant. On one occasion I heard one young guy tell his comrade that he drank too much and wet the bed, in his girlfriends bed. The other is with this guy i fondly refer to as the "Garbage pail kid", we were outside and he started conversing with me, and at one point he offered me one of his very cheap cigarettes. I have been working around the garbage pail kid for several weeks now. I know that his name is Travis, he has told me on several occasions. But, to let him know that wee aren't friends, I constantly call him by the wrong name. Today we were working and he relayed a message from the head painter and I replied; "Thanks Stuart." I also almost made myself laugh. This has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, I just thought it was funny.
A few things have brought my thoughts of composing a "Bucket list" Although I consider myself a simple living man and don't have many ambitions outside of a full nights sleep and full meal, I too have things that I would like to do before I die.
I have always thought that bucket lists were grim. I am making a list of things I must do before I die. What if you don't finish the list? You obviously don't get a second shot at it. Do you not get to heaven cause heaven is only for winners? Maybe you'll get reincarnated as a seagull and can travel by your own power to all the places you would like to go. If I got reincarnated as something, I would probably pick a couch throw pillow. Mostly cause you can still watch TV, and be uncomfortable when people try to sit on you.
Well, seeing that heaven is a long shot anyway, I am making my list and holding absolutely nothing back. Because I believe in myself, even though nobody else does. So, I am sharing my list with you to hopefully get you to start thinking about death and stuff and get real with yourself.

-Buy something I don't need that's more than $500
-Write a song that's so awesome Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Kanye West get run out of America and forgotten.
-Beat the shit out of Luke Bryan.
-Get the shit beat out of me by John Travolta
-Star in a film that outdoes Box Office sales for Avatar and Titanic combined.
-Win and Oscar before Leonardo DiCaprio.
-Play a concert at Mile High stadium and sell it out.
-Costar a film with Patrick Swayze.
-Have my life made into a movie with Kevin Bacon from Footloose cast as me.
-Win a boxing match and pull an American flag out and wear it around.
-Chokeslam The Big Show and Kane at the same time.
-Be the Main Event at Wrestlemania and beat Vader.
-Jump through a table from the top ropes.
-Buy a motorcycle.
-Beat Jean Claude Van Dam at a martial arts fight.
-Be on tour with Coheed And Cambria, Between The Buried And Me, Circa Survive, A Lot Like Birds and Kenny Rogers all at the same time. But I am the main event. Tickets will be $250 for nosebleeds.
-Sleep for 24 hours straight.
-Play on the Chicago Bulls with Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Scotty Pippen and have them all talk about how much better at basketball I am than they are. Then trade to the Jazz and win our trophy's back.
-Hit a walk off win home run at AT&T park and have Buster Posey hug me at home plate then we go get a steak together after the game is over and everyone carries me on their shoulders.
-Buy a house.
-Find a baby bear in the woods and take it home and raise it. He also will maul anyone I don't like.
-Catch a game winning touchdown from Peyton Manning at the Super Bowl or Pro Bowl.
-Do a back flip.
-Be on Cops whether as the predator or the prey, doesn't matter.
-Drive a Maserati and make it go 200 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. Then outrun the cops.
-Bowl a perfect game.
-Be the best guitar player in the world.
-Have someone ask me for my autograph.
-Do a stand up comedy set, and have everyone love it.
-Eat all 6 Costco muffins in one sitting.
-Drive an ambulance for a day.
-Fight someone on top of a train.
-Shoot a bazooka.
-Make a TV show that goes on for 15 seasons.
-Make a clothing line that is awesome.
-Walk the red carpet.
-Be on the cover of GQ for best dressed, but not changing my current dressing habits.
-Solve a case that England has been trying to solve for years, then paint the American flag on Big Ben to announce that America is the best, and I am better than Sherlock Holmes.
-Go to a fancy dinner party in a Broncos/Giants/Mavericks jersey.
-Have a watch that shoots lasers.
-Be an international spy.
-Organize then destroy a drug ring.
-Set a building on fire.
-Have a limb replaced with a robot arm with gun capabilities.
-Fight the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park
-Get married.
-Beat the Man Vs. Food guy in an eating contest.
-Get really buff and have all the girls that turned me down get really jealous.
-Be a war hero.
-Have kids.
-Win the lottery.
-Build my own house.
-Win an award that the whole town is in attendance for my receiving of.
-Cook the best meal in the world.
-Live in the mountains, completely self sustaining for two years.
-Play in the NHL and get into tons of fights.
-Be a voice in a cartoon.
-Be a guest star on Even Stevens.

This list isn't in any particular order. And I know I am missing a few things, but this is the bulk of it. Whether or not I complete this list before I die, I couldn't care less. I would die happy if I died tonight. That's how everyone should live.



P.S. This is the final call for any Valentines that you would like to receive from me. For those wondering, no I have not sent them. Get after it.

storytimewithjake@yahoo.com

P.P.S.S. Jon P told me to give him a shout out, so if you read this text me and let me know you got my shout out. If I don't hear from you, I will throw a brick through your window.

I'll Be Your Valentine.

I think a majority of social media posts at this time of the year are very clever and lonely people bitching about being lonely. I have seen far too many posts about people having dates with themselves and being alone on V-day. While, I am absolutely no stranger to being alone on Valentines, I also think it's horribly obnoxious that people deem it necessary to post stuff like this. THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE ALONE ON VALENTINES DAY. 

Look, Valentines day sucks for everyone. Well, I should just say men. See, if men are in a relationship (or just dating someone) It's implied that you have to pull out all the stops on Valentines. Dinner, movie, flowers, chocolates, and probably other weird stuff I'm not filled in on yet. I also hear a bunch of stuff on the radio (While I am at work, obviously) about buying jewelry and stuff. Like, damn. Sucks to suck.

Plus, if you're a man and alone on Valentines, you're alone on Valentines. While most men wont admit it, most feel some sense of regret/loneliness.

I'm not saying it's different for a woman being alone on Valentines, that's obviously also awful. Because you're alone on Valentines. However, being in a relationship on Valentines and being a woman is obviously awesome. You get treated like royalty. Apparently some guys buy girls jewelry on Valentines. Which would be nice.

So, in my infinite wisdom I have devised a plan to make those who are alone on Valentines feel better. I have created an email address to which you can send me your home address and I will send you a Valentine. Personally written, designed and autographed by me. Which means its entirely meaningless and worthless. But, I felt like it would be a good thing to do for you dweebs. Also, this isn't limited to those who are single. I will send you a valentine whether you are married or widowed or single or bitter and lonely.

I also want to say that these Valentines will be worth receiving. And I am putting a lot of thought into them. Also, I wont divulge any information you submit, and wont send you any chain mail. 

So, I hope to get a lot of replies, and you can send your address and name here (Fake names suggested)

storytimewithjake@yahoo.com

Any Submissions after Valentines will probably still be honored, but more vulgar. So send me stuff before Valentines.

Also, I am going to open up this email to any questions you may have. If you need advice on anything, or whatever. Don't expect quality answers, but I will reply to your questions in a dedicated blog post. So post the name you want me to address you as, or I will make one up for you. I think an advice column by me would be really funny.

Again, sorry for my absence. It's been a wild year, I hope that you'll let me make it up to you by sending you Valentines. You'll be seeing more of me. Unfortunately for you.