Looking Back (Grimacing)

I think one of the weirdest parts about growing up is looking back on your life and realizing some of the shit that you did and said and going "Dammit, Jake." I guess perhaps that is the biggest part of growing up; growing up. But even so, I still look back on myself and shudder, and that's not even counting the times in my life where I ran my little brother into a snow bank while pulling him on a sled behind a four wheeler. Or even the time that I found all our Easter presents in the motor home and spoiling the Easter for the rest of my siblings. (sorry to anyone who still believes in the Easter bunny) But I am even embarrassed about the things that I did and said only a year ago. Some of it I wish I could take back, others I am embarrassed about, but am glad I said. 

Going even further into that, I have some memories that haunt me. When I was in middle school there was a boy named Travis. He lived around the corner from me, and we were sort of friends. We would talk when we saw each other, but I never went into his house, and he never went into mine kind of thing. The thing I remember most about Travis is that he was fatter than I was. I had been made fun of since I was in 3rd grade for being portly. So when someone was fatter than I was, I was always quick to jump on that and call them fat turds. So when I was in 8th grade I believe it was, Travis and his family were moving to Spanish Fork, and I would never see him again. In my yearbook, I shit you not, He wrote the following message "Jake- I am moving to Spanish Fork so you can't call me fat anymore. -Travis" Back then I sort of laughed it off, but now I look back and that is so horrible. 

When I was in high school I thought a lot of myself. Not in the sense that I was the most handsome or the most athletic, but I kinda figured I was invincible. I had started varsity offensive line since I was a sophomore and was also a renowned heavyweight wrestler in the state. So I figured if anyone had anything to say they could settle it up with me. So I sort of did and said what I wanted with little repercussion. Some of it was due to the fact that I was the chief, the other was that I thought it was funny. In fact, I never really did anything with malicious intent. I just did things I thought were funny and would make people laugh, often without thinking on how that would make the other person feel. Anyway, one day our back up qb came slumping around and I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I gave him the nickname "Ugly" Not like "Hey, you're ugly." I would say "Hey Ugly, grab those cones." And he would actually respond to me. Rather than punch me in the face. I don't know if you're reading this KB, but if you are just know that I am sincerely sorry. That was a really dick thing to do. 

One last one. I was living in Draper and pretty much my only friend was my brother Josh, and the Rogers kids that lived up the street. But I made this friend at school named Gordon. We would always write each other notes during class and I'll never forget that one day Gordon wrote me a note that read, no shit, "When Miss Schleuter bends over you can see her bubes!" it was weird. Anyway, one day we were out on the play ground and I was hanging out with this kid named Bryce, who was an asshole. I don't know why I was hanging out with him because one day Bryce and I got into a fist fight over this girl named Samantha Paskins. So we were hanging out and Bryce started making fun of Gordon who was playing Pokemon cards, if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, in that brat pack group I was with one of them said "I bet you have a huge dick Gordon!" and we all jumped on that train. Making fun of Gordon out of belief that he had a large dick. Apparently that is the worst thing you can have as a third grader. I am a traitor and also an idiot.

I guess the reason this all comes to mind is basically centered around a couple of ideas. I am getting older and the thought of dating, marrying and having kids is becoming more real and less like an idea. And as I think about having kids, I think on all these horrifying experiences. I don't want to have kids if they're going to be like me. I ruined a lot of Christmases (Sorry mom and dad) I guess I am just worried that my son is going to come home beaten down because a group of kids claimed he has a big dick. What a sicko.