The ghost of Christmas presents

Why is it that little people can call me "Big guy" but they get upset when I call them "Little guy"? where is the disconnect here? That doesn't have anything to do with my topic, just something I was thinking about.

I'm a mirror installer now. What that means is that I spend about 4 hours a day looking in a mirror. And honestly, it's made me feel a lot of different ways. Some good, some not. Some days I look at myself and think "Wow, this shirt makes you look fatter than you are. You should try and turn sideways as little as possible today." And then some days I think "Huh. Maybe the barber didn't hack you after all, you sly fox." Other days my reflection doesn't look back at all. 

Looking at yourself in the mirror has always been such a great metaphor for people to stop being condescending, or such a dickhead, or whatever. But when you're looking at yourself in the mirror all day long, you begin to realize the metaphor more perfectly. I'll phase this in a different light, as I had a dream about a more relatable look at this the other night.

I dreamt that I was a ghost. Not that I was necessarily dead, but that my astral body was floating around earth and I was overhearing peoples conversations and so on. Every person that I listened to was discussing me in some form or another. Most of them mentioned my stature, and all of them mentioned my character. It was my dream, so obviously nobody was brutally honest and said: "Jake? That guy was a total dick. He owes me money, where's his grave? I'm going to decimate it." Just my typical self depreciating humor, mixed with my self praising voice that is kept in a dark cellar, under lock and key during conscious hours. 

When I woke up, I wondered a few things about being a ghost. One of them is what I would do/accomplish as a ghost, the other is who I would haunt as a ghost. 

I think I would haunt the white house and never let Donald Trump sleep until he resigned. That or there was a kid named Bryce in my elementary school in Draper who was a total bag of dicks. We both had a crush on Samantha Paskins and one time he pushed me down on the ice when we were arguing about her. Probably him too.

The thing that kind of compounded this train of thought was the song Condolences by Touché Amorè. The lyrics go "If you fantasize about your funeral, I understand. I've been there before. If there's more importance about the music played, than who'd attend, we are the same." Which is terrifically bleak. It just sparked a bunch of thoughts about what people might say or think of me at my funeral, not that I'm wishing or waiting for death. I also am not looking for compliments, it's seriously been a very introspective thought process. One that was somewhat painful.

This all kind of brought me to the realization that the world is splitting into a couple different types of people. There's the people who are chasing experience, that are going on adventures and taking pictures all the time and so forth. Which I think is pretty cool, I don't necessarily understand the appeal, to be totally honest. But if that's what your ambition in life is, I think that's cool.

Then there are people who like stuff. It's just a big race of who can die on the biggest pile of stuff, regardless of what is useful and what is not, it's theirs. These kind of people come in varying forms, and in some ways I tend to identify more with these people, not totally, but some. I like my own bed and sleeping in it. I like not living out of a suitcase. I just enjoy the comforts of home more than the thrill of travel, and that's okay. The world must have balance in it.

I think both of these kinds of people are fine. And regardless of what type of person you are, that's okay too. I think what the world needs more of, is people who are wanting to make a change. Not people who want change, because that could mean a change of scenery, or the change of wallpaper. People who want to make a difference in the world and in the lives of other. People who genuinely want to make things better for everyone, not just themselves. Not just for the appearance of it. I think this, in it's truest form, is becoming violently rare.

I think, at my core, that's what I want. I want to world to be comfortable for everyone. I want everyone to be okay, and everyone to be happy. The problem is, I'm not really that eager to get off the couch and go out and do that. So I just keep hoping my blogs and tweets make a difference (They don't)

That's what I want to see when I look into the mirror all day every day, someone who cared more for others than himself. That's not what I see, I see an angry overweight balding bearded man who doesn't have direction, only a work ethic. But, maybe it'll get there someday.

My concluding thought on this was thinking about watching my life as a movie in the same room as Jesus. In my opinion, I don't think I would get that high of an honor, I would probably be with John or James or some other apostle in a dollar theater that only we are at, and my life play in fast forward X2, just so he can get the gist of the movie, write some cliff notes and give me a D+ on my life test, and I will be permitted past the pearly gates so I can sweep up garbage on the golden streets of heaven for the rest of eternity. In all seriousness though, I think there are gonna be a lot of moments in that screening where I'm gonna turn to John and say "Hey look out the window! It's John Travolta being sentenced to life in hell!" to try and detract from certain moments. Then there are gonna be times where I'm gonna lean in really close and be proud. 

I think you can drive yourself crazy talking in 'what-ifs' and what you wanna be. I came to realize that the only thing I have control over, is the moment that I'm living. Not the one in ten years when I make $40,000 an hour and have a house in every state, Not the one yesterday where people in walmart walked down the aisle I just farted on and was really embarrassed. Just the one right now. And that's a lot more manageable. I think Gordon B Hinkley summated it pretty well when he said "Don't worry, I say that to myself every morning. If you do your best, it will all work out." I have found that to be true.

Some #breaking facts about our presidential candidates. you heard it here first.

Here are a few things that I have uncovered about both candidates that anyone who is voting today might take into account. Please don't @ me because these are all extremely accurate.

Things you should know about Hillary Clinton:

-Went to Woodstock and ate acid; claimed she saw the devil dressed as Charlie Chaplin who told her many things and how to run a country.

-When you ask what her favorite band is she says "I like all kinds of music."

-Only tips 10%

-Gets mad if you eat in the living room.

-Looks at all every coin to make sure none of the pennies she is giving to the cashier are valuable or collectible.

-"Those 30,000 emails were about items I ordered from QVC and my large investments in the Slap-Chop and Sham-Wow; I don't know what everyone is so upset about." -HC

-Uses a flip phone.

-Answers her home phone "Clinton Residence."

-Her and Bill sleep in separate twin-size beds.

-Asks for a ride in your car, then tells you to change the music.

-Makes everyone go to church on vacation.

-Is a New York Jets fan.

-Favorite baseball player is Alex Rodriguez.

-Once went to outer space on a secret mission to pledge allegiance to extra-terrestrial beings.

-Likes the Dixie Chicks.

-Tells you to go fart in the restroom.

-Is "more of a Bird Person"

-Has towels in the bathroom you can't use.

-Sets 5 alarms because she sleeps through the first 4.

-Doesn't like to watch baseball because it's "boring."

-Orders chicken fried steak at a steak house.

Things you should know about Donald Trump:

-Is a Patriots fan.

-Gets a water cup at every restaurant and fills it with soda.

-Calls you every day to ask for the money back that you borrowed.

-Doesn't lift the toilet seat when he pees; also doesn't clean off the toilet seat.

-Borrows your comic books and never gives them back cause he's "not done reading them."

-Asks to copy your homework every day.

-Always asks for a piece of gum.

-Writes his name on the desk.

-Pranks people and gets mad when they get mad.

-Doesn't close the door when he leaves your room.

-Doesn't think Parks And Rec is a good TV show.

-When you wanna eat somewhere he says he doesn't wanna go there and demands you go to a different place, and it's way more expensive and he won't pay for anyone else's food.

-Doesn't tip.

-Asks you to borrow money and won't borrow you any when you ask.

-Asks for a bite of your food and takes 3 more after.

-Once mistook a man for a lady and grabbed him by his manhood.

-Prefers Pepsi.

-Thinks Pete Rose should be in the Hall Of Fame.

-His favorite band is Def Leopard and Luke Bryan.

-Comes home late and is noisy.

-Changes the channel when you're watching something.

-Was in the Manson Family.

-Plans on incorporating "Helter Skelter" into his inauguration speech if he wins.

-Still thinks black people can jump higher cause they have different ligaments in their legs.

-Doesn't like the movie Forest Gump cause he says it's too long.

-Orders a hamburger at a Mexican Restaurant.

-Yells at waitresses when his food is incorrect.

-Brings his girlfriend to 'Guys night'

-Always wants to drive your car.

-Tries to tell you what to carve on your pumpkin.

-Asks for rent money in the middle of the month.

-Posts pictures of his nieces and nephews like they're his own kids; he even posts how many months old they are.

-Turns off the TV and says "Time for bed" when he's ready for bed.

-Doesn't text back unless he needs or wants something.

-Spends all his money and says "Remember that $100 I loaned you a while back? I need that today."

-Tries to talk about how bald you are to detract from how fat he got.

-One time got into a fight and his toupee fell off and a dog took it and ran away with it.

-Has a reality TV show*

-*It's not good.

-Asks how much your paycheck was.

-Once met with Kim Jong Un and they kissed on the lips.

-Orders his steak well done.

-Tried to disown his daughter so he could marry her later.

-Says the movie is better than the book*

-*He didn't read the book.

My Source is a very reliable source. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.

I'm not telling you who to vote for, just giving you the facts, folks. Go vote today, it's one of the last rights you have as an American.




Photos provided by: Ungy G. Ballongy

Happy Halloween, You Freaks.

Halloween is one of the strangest holidays. Think about the premise of Halloween; dress your children up and take them door to door to beg for candy. I honestly am surprised that more things don't go awry on Halloween. Maybe they have and I just haven't noticed. I was thinking about my past Halloween nights, and what has gone on. I felt I could stand to share a few memories.

In sixth grade I dressed up as Fat Bastard from Austin Powers' Goldmember. My mom sewed together two thermal shirts that are flesh colored and filled it up with cotton. Which I thought was pretty ingenious. We also sewed together a plaid sumo wrestling thong, and colored my hair orange. It was one of my favorite Halloween costumes I ever dressed up as.

The night of this particular Halloween I was hanging out with my friend Tanner and my other friend Brandon. My friend Tanner was Johnny Appleseed (at least I think) He was wearing overalls and a pot of some sort on his head. My other friend Brandon was a werewolf. We went out trick or treating that night and had about hit the entire west side of Manti, and we came on a well known polygamist home. When we went up to the door, there was a hand written sign that said something to this effect: "Unless you want to be taken into polygamy and forced to marry our daughters and wear long sleeve shirts and pants forever, don't knock on the door, we don't serve trick or treaters."

Just kidding. It said that they don't celebrate Halloween and to not knock.

My friend Brandon was upset by their threats about being taken into polygamy and, just wanting candy, threw a rock at their window and exclaimed "Give me some F#cking candy!"

Here's where the story gets a little fuzzy. I can't say for sure if the rock broke the window or not. Because when I saw him throw the rock, I turned and ran as fast as I could; We all did. I remember hearing a truck start as I was about 2-3 blocks away. We ran to my friend Tanner's house where we camped out in his family's camp trailer, and spent the rest of our night eating candy and discussing women and body parts, I'm sure. I don't really think this story is funny based on us potentially breaking a polygamists window and probably disrupting their goat sacrifice. I think it's funny to think about a kid in a homemade fat suit, another kid with a pot on his head, and a third dressed as a werewolf running as fast as they can down the street. I remember having to hang onto my fat pants/plaid thong as I ran.

It's a shame that trick or treating is going away; even though I understand, and agree, why. They do the "Trunk or treat" things now where you go on some night and collect candy from the community in an hour or less. I remember having to hike clear up to the east side of town because I knew Judge Tibbs gave out king size candy bars; and as a kid, that was the whole adventure. Walking for blocks and blocks trying to get the biggest haul. Then going home and having to share with my siblings because they were unwilling to work as hard, or walk as far as I was.

I like, and have always liked, Halloween because there's such a dividing line in people. There's the people who go all out and do their makeup to look like they've been dead for years, and there's the people who do as little (Or nothing) as possible, I always viewed it as a way to see who the real freaks are; And I like that. I like seeing people get passionate and invested in something. Because doing nothing is so much easier (and rewarding, tbh.) So I applaud anyone who is passionate about anything, including Halloween.

So, to all you freaks going out and doing devil stuff (Col, looking at you, bud.) and anyone who is hauling their kids around, I hope today turns out okay. Take time to celebrate and mask yourself into whatever you wanna be, at least for a night. (Unless you're a polygamist abducting kids.)

Happy Haunting.

Nasty Woman (Women)

Perhaps some of you opened this blog as you said audibly "Why Jacob, it's nearly 10 PM, what are you doing still awake and about?"

Well, I was almost asleep and then my monstrously loud, heavy footed, nasty woman, bad hombre neighbor decided to stomp around the kitchen and scream at her kids for a few more minutes before the 10 PM curfew struck and I call the police. I have headphones in and can still hear her stomping around. How is that even possible? It's as if I am living under someone who stars on the TLC series "My 600 lb Life" She doesn't weigh 600 lbs, but you'd never guess that by sound alone. It's like a truck is driving around up there. Anyway, I'm up because I'm trying to decide if I should send her anthrax in the mail or faux as a salesperson and kill her in person.

This will be my last neighbor complaint, but I feel like this story is genuinely too rich to not document. The other morning Mrs. Dinosaur was up crashing around at 5:45 AM. After slamming the cupboards and refrigerator open and closed a few times, I heard her call her 3 year old downstairs. When she got downstairs, she screamed in this little girls face, and I quote "DID YOU EAT MY F*CKING YOGURT?! G*D DAMN YOU SAVANNAH I AM SO G*D DAMN F*CKING SICK OF MY LIFE GOING TO F*CKING SHIT BECAUSE OF YOU F*CKING KIDS. YOU RUIN EVERY F*CKING THING. I CANNOT HAVE ANYTHING!"

This raised a few questions for me.
1) Who wakes up at 5:45?
2) Who can wake up that early and start screaming as loud as they can?
3) How good was this yogurt?
4) Even if it's true, should you ever tell your kids that they ruined your life?
5) Who taught you to swear? They did a bad job.

I don't think I have ever seen my wife more upset than she was that morning. I laughed, because anyone who can wake up at 5:45 and start a fight with a 3 year old girl over yogurt has already punched her ticket to hell, in my opinion. She could be the anti-Christ for all I know. But my wife won't stop until she's locked up. Is there a prize for a Nasty Woman award? This lady is worse than Clinton, I promise. She has yelled at her kids every day for 300 days straight. That's not an overshot either.

Anyway, this blog isn't about my neighbor. I just thought that would be fun to share.

I was just thinking about dieting and health today. Which I realize is an anomaly if you were to see me in person. I have this thing where I think about people congratulating me on losing weight a lot. I haven't lost any, it's just nice to think about what people would say if I did. I imagine people are nicer to skinny people than they are to fat ones.

Isn't it nice to think about how cool it would be if people were nice?

I was thinking about dieting today because I saw a picture of myself and wasn't sure that it was me. So that's not great. But that's what you get, I guess.

I have this weird thing with diet and weight loss. Mostly because I wrestled in high school. So I always equated losing weight to just running around with garbage sacks on and losing weight in an hour or so. One time I went to practice my senior year in all sweats, and I lost 11 pounds of water weight. That was wild as hell. I don't necessarily think that this wrestling mindset crippled me in any way, I think it actually made me realize that any weight loss goal is possible. If I can lose 11 pounds in 2 hours, people can accomplish their goals. Anyone can.

I just have been thinking about the super trendy diets recently. Not about starting them, because I'm not crazy. "All you have to do is put this patch on and only drink water and you'll lose weight!" I just think it's interesting that we're complicating such a simple equation. Stop eating so much and so much garbage + more exercise should = weight loss. At least that's how I think, and I am not a nutritionist nor a pinnacle of good health.

I just want to give a thumbs up to anyone who is on square one, or square 100 with any health goals. Or any goals at all. I think it's important for people to realize that almost everyone has body issues or things they wish they could change. But not everyone can afford to have elective surgery when they find something they want to improve. We all have to work for stuff. Which sucks, I like not doing stuff so much more. Not doing stuff is easily my most favorite hobby. Sitting down is my second favorite hobby. This really isn't conducive to helping anyone (or me) with health goals. I just think it's important for everyone to realize that exercising is stupid and hard. I realize that's cliche to knock on exercise. Fat folks everywhere love a good anti-exercise joke. (I know I do.)

In parting I want to give a few bullet points to sum this all up and tie it together and hopefully will give you all guidance for the days to come:

-Don't have neighbors.
-Don't give up on your goals, you can do it.
-Reward hard work with a lot of sitting.
-Don't take yogurt that isn't yours, you never know whose life you may have ruined.

This is your captain through the weird; Snakes. Signing off from Santaquin. God Bless. G'Night.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know.

I have high blood pressure.

Some of you read that and thought "Surprise." as you rolled your eyes and continued. Others maybe thought "I'm glad you're finally seeking out medical help/advice."

I guess finally realizing that being passionate, maybe borderline too passionate, has finally settled in that it's affecting my physical health. Years of pizza and garbage eating with little to no exercise has nothing to do with it, I assure you. I blame all my ailments on years of defending sports, artists, genre's and whatever else I wanted to be brassy and belligerent about.

I used to be so passionate and up tight that I failed to recognize that other people have an opinion on the matter, and perhaps even a valiant opinion. Instead I would walk into an argument with my eyes closed and swing my opinion around like hell, hoping that the sword of opinion cut as sharp and deep as the sword of fact. (We often grab the wrong sword to fight with.)

In retrospect I realized that I really didn't do any good by getting red in the face and arguing. That person isn't going to like 'screamo' any more because I threw a bunch of facts I hadn't really checked at them. (Maybe I should run for president?) I'm confident they didn't walk away and think "Wow. he had some really good points. Maybe I should reevaluate my musical taste and preference." In reality that person probably walked away and thought: "Wow. That guy is an asshole."

To anyone in high school who told me that 'screamo' sucked, and we got into an argument over it: Screw you. You're still wrong.

I have come to realize that maybe not having something to be upset about isn't necessarily a bad thing. I had thought for the last 6 months that maybe I was depressed; because I didn't care enough about things anymore. I wouldn't argue with strangers on the Internet about sports, I didn't have this feeling that the world was ending and that I was a 'fake fan' If I didn't watch every single baseball and football game, I just didn't have the desire to rub my fandom in the face of everyone anymore. For a while I thought that this was a bad thing, I have come to realize that it's really not. It mostly just means that I'm an adult now.

I was realizing this last night as I was watching the baseball game. For the last few years I have been very loud and had no problem telling people that my favorite teams had won world championships. And while I am still excited by those historic moments, I have come to realize one simple thing:



I referenced this in a blog earlier, but they don't hand out trophies or 5 million dollar championship rings to whomever is the best lifelong fan. So there is really no reason to be cramming it down people's throats.

On a similar note, they also don't hand out gifts to people who expressively hate other organizations. I will be the first to say that for the past 5 years my absolute disgust and disdain for the Los Angeles Dodgers organization FAR outweighed my love for the San Francisco Giants. I woke up and realized one day how backwards that was (And how it also might have been affecting my health *gulp*) and decided to let sleeping dogs lie. While I will still tell anyone who asks that I hate the Dodgers, Nationals, Panthers, Raiders, Packers, Yankees and so on, I have stopped letting my hatred for those dictate my sports fanatics.

The biggest realization I got here is this: Being a dick to an opposing team fan and/or berating them is not going to change their mind or their loyalty. It's not going to make them like the rivaling franchise any more. They won't stop and think "Wow. he had some great points. The Dodgers/Giants/whatever DO suck!" they're only gonna think:"Wow. That guy is an asshole."

Going around being a dick to people only makes you out to be the dick.

To fans of those organizations that I have argued, belittled or otherwise quarreled with: Screw you. I still hate every organization I always have. I just don't have the stamina to send you all a personal email insulting you.

To wrap this all up I want to put in a political plug. I think everyone should stop putting all their energy towards the candidate they hate, and rationalizing their own personal choice of candidate's actions. Both are terrible as hell. Put your energy into something you believe in and stop degrading others. While I understand that that is a tall order, I just think it's important for everyone to stay positive.

It might raise your blood pressure if you don't.

Lucky #8

I had a dream the other night, well, it was more like an evening nap kind of dream. I had fallen asleep while watching TV briefly. But in my dream I had this Magic 8 Ball and God was inside of it. If you ever needed an answer to a question, you would just ask God in the Magic 8 Ball and he would reply in various yes and no answers. You could ask him if your crushes liked you back, if the Giants were going to pull it together and make the playoffs, if there is oil wells in various parts of the land, anything! And he would never answer "Answer Unlcear, Try Again Later" it was always yes or no. 

I guess I just fantasize about how nice it would be to have the master of the Universe being toted around in myJansport backpack to be pulled out whenever you need an answer. I would never go wrong again and my life would be a dream. I would win a lot of money gambling, I'm sure.

I guess I just had this dream because it relates to my faith on a stupidly personal level. In regards to my own personal faith in religion, I really have had periods in my life where I viewed it as a Magic 8 Ball. I would have a concern or question and I would say a quick prayer that I would have the answer, in essence shaking the Magic 8 Ball. As I think about this I realize that I was probably asking the devil inside the Magic 8 Ball for guidance. There have been a fair amount of things I thought were good and right and they turned out to not be either of those things. In retrospect, billiards seems more like the devils game anyway. 

In the current climate of the world, I think it's become easier than ever to look away from our faith and rely on ourselves. I don't even want to lend specifically to faith in religion. I have seen people lose faith in everything. Which is really what makes the world livable. If you have faith that if you pay it forward it'll benefit someone, faith that karma will play her part, faith that circumstances can change and that PEOPLE can change. There are so many things to be hopeful about, and yet it's become so easy to be a skeptic. Which is a huge bummer.

My goal with saying all of this is that if you're struggling with faith in religion or just hope that things will get better, hang in there. There is always something on the horizon that you least expect. What you need will find you if you are willing to work for it. I'm not good at inspiration, but I wanted to take a break from my constant complaining and hopefully offer a little hope. Cause I've been there. I've been down roads that I thought would surely lead me to my all-deserving hell. Don't let Donald Trump win and ruin your outlook on life. Things will get better. 

If nothing else, keep shaking that 8 ball. Maybe God will shine through. Don't shake it too hard though, you'll create bubbles and wont see your answer. 

A Genie In A Bottle Babay

I often think about what it would be like to be rich.
I think that's what separates "Us" from "Them" because you know that they don't sit around and think about what it would be like to be poor. (Original thought on that was from Louis CK) But, honestly. In any aspect of life why would you think about how life would be if you were poorer.
This all lead me to think about what I would do with my wishes if I found a genie, and genies actually existed.
Here's me rapid firing whatever wish first pops into my head, if I had unlimited wishes for 2 minutes:

-That my wife never had to work again and that our house had a pool that the water temp was always 95 degrees.

-That the Dodgers make it to the first round of the playoffs every year and lose, from now until the end of forever.

-That I would find $500 cash on the ground every day for the rest of my life.

-That Donald Trump would die in a grease fire at the Trump Tower in Las Vegas.

-That I had a house without any neighbors and that my current neighbors got banished to the northern-most part of Canada forever.

-That I had my own meal service at my house every day and never had to cook again cause they can cook every delicacy.

-That I reestablished the Montreal Expos and owned them, and that I would have endless poutine in the owners box. Also that we had the Dodgers sized payroll to buy players.

-That eating pizza, fries and red meat made me lose weight.

-That being a dickhead to cashiers or waiters is punishable by a life sentence in federal prison.

-That driving while impaired, distracted or otherwise idiotically would result in a permanent rebuke of your license and driving privileges.

-That I owned an airline.

-That I owned Walmart.

-That all my relatives were stupidly successful in anything they pursued.

That should be two minutes worth. I could even rapid fire more when put on the spot. But, I feel like that gives a fair assessment of my priorities when it comes to wishes.

When I think about stumbling on a genie, I don't have very big plans to save the world. The last thing on my mind would be that Jews and Islamic people would get on a little better. I also wouldn't say: I don't need any wishes, I'm grateful for what I have and I have all that I need. Would anybody say that, really? I guess I fight with what I want and need, and the feeling that I should be grateful for what I have.

All these thoughts led me to this thought: What if it doesn't get any better than today? Honestly. What if for the rest of your life you looked back on today and thought: that was the best day of my life.

I think honestly for a good 99% of those who read this blog, that day wouldn't be that bad. I imagine you ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. Or at least you will. You probably have or will sleep in your own, comfortable bed. You probably have a place to call home, and if you don't there's a good chance your parents would put you up.

I mean honestly, if you never got to move to Hawaii, and you never got to build a time machine and go back in time and see shit, if you never got to stake your place in Mount Everest, You never opened your bank account and didn't cringe a little, if you never got a wardrobe the size of a house, and never got that record player that is made of gold, how sad would you really be? I log online and all I can see is "Like if you want to travel." Or "All I want in life is a Dog and 900000000000000G per year, is that too much to ask?" To which I say: "Kinda." If you're spending all that time thinking about what you don't have and what you want, are you even happy? Are you enjoying your life? Seriously, I mean that. If all you're doing is driving around and looking at cars and clothes and houses and diamonds and all you can think and say is: "I want that." how can you even stand to be alive? Honestly. How do you function? I don't mean that to say, don't have goals. What I mean is; can you not be grateful for what the hell you have? Cause I'm fairly sure that it's more than most have.

I try to write that tediously, because I think it's a double edged sword. I think too often people say "You're an American, you shouldn't want anything!" but at the same time we shout back "I can if I want to!" I don't mean it to come across that you should never want anything. I mean it to come across as maybe you should have a little more tact and grace. You should look around and be thankful for what you have once in a while.

I guess what I'm truly getting at is that things really aren't that bad. Sure, you think of things that you want, things you need, and things you would get if you stumbled on a fair amount of money. I have those too. I really break them up into a couple groups; Needs, achievable wants, and pipe dreams. And to be totally honest my pipe dream list is the longest one. The house I have drawn up in my head in the event I strike oil makes very little sense, it's essentially Smart House from the Disney Channel Original Movie 'Smart House' (Before she goes nuts and takes human form) mashed up with the kids house on Blank Check. If you don't understand these references I encourage you to look into them, you will be enlightened and your goals will expand greatly.

I guess if things never got better from here (And judging by our Presidential candidates, there is a good chance that they will not.) I really wouldn't be all that sad. I mean, absolutely there are ways I am going to make things better in my life. But when I take a step back and really evaluate my life and where I am at; there is a ton more to be grateful than to be longing for. That's something I, and seemingly everyone, needs to do is realize that life is alright where you're at. Go get whatever you want. But don't let your goals turn into greed and consume you. You can make a lot of things happen and do a lot of good where you are.

Be ambitious, but don't be an asshole.

Oh, and if you stumble on a genie, will you do me a favor? Ask that he grant me three wishes as one of your wishes (I'll return the favor)

Kids Suck

I haven't slept in a couple of nights now, and I am really beginning to wonder why. I've been having strange and troubling dreams, which I think is why I'm not sleeping. You know those dreams where you wake up heaving for air? Those kinds of dreams. Or ones where I wake up and I'm mad at my wife or family member for being a dick in my dreams. They really ought to apologize when they're mean to me in my dreams as soon as I wake up to avoid the hard feelings I carry for the first 3-6 hours of my day. Anyway. I don't think that's why I'm not sleeping tonight. Tonight I keep thinking about the demons from The Conjuring 2 that I went and saw in theaters on Saturday night. There is a portion of my room where the light from the window doesn't touch. Its a tiny hallway to the door, and it's always completely dark. I've spent the last 2 hours staring at that black void waiting for something to open it's eyes, or otherwise jump out. I also am fairly angry and bothered tonight. More than usual. Which is why I got out of bed and faced the void/possible future horror story and decided to blog.

"You let it out honey, write
it in the book."

I should change this blog to Jake's Burn Book. Or maybe that can be the working title to a book if I ever write one.

I guess I have just been thinking a lot about how much I hate kids. Not like, little kids. Just pre-teens, teens, and pro/after-teens. I was at the pool today and there was this kid that was probably 12 and he had a little group of cronies following him around. His whole purpose, in my opinion, was to make everyone's day as miserable as his life is. He was going around the pool and was splashing everyone in the face. Other kids, adults, lifeguards, moms, you name it. That little sonofabitch would've splashed his own grandmother in the face if he had gotten a chance. So my wife and I had just gotten into the pool, acclimated ourselves to the water and were just talking. Then the little prick came swimming behind us in the lazy river and splashed my wife right in the face. I had a lot of choice words for him, but he went underwater and swam away before I could tell him what big words I was thinking. I sat and watched him do the same thing to an older lady just right across the pool from us. Now, some of you may be thinking, "But Jacob. He is just a boy!" True. But that doesn't make him less disrespectful. It's not about the fact that it's just water. It's about the fact that we're there trying to enjoy ourselves, and if my wife or myself would like to get our heads/faces/anything wet, it should be on our own terms. Not because kids have no respect for anyone. I guess my biggest problem was that if I used my big swear words, I may have gotten thrown out of the pool. But I wish the lifeguards would have done something about it. If it were up to me, or my wife (she was a lifeguard for a very long time.) He would've been kicked out long before then.

I was just pondering over this experience and how much I really don't understand today's youth. Furthermore, how much I really don't want to understand today's youth. If I were 12 and had splashed an older woman in the face, I'm confident my mother would have made me apologize to the woman after she waterboarded me. (It'll be legal here soon, won't it?) I don't really want to be one of those people that are constantly saying "When I was a kid..." because those people suck so much. I have people come into the hardware store I work at all day long and tell me how much cheaper things used to be. And it makes me want to set them on fire. "They used to pay US to come and get soda and .22 bullets!" I guess I don't really mean to be nostalgic on the ideas that things used to be cheaper and better. I just mean to be nostalgic on the fact that there used to be morals and respect in the world. People can't even look at their kid in an angry way without CPS rolling up on their front porch. I don't mean to be insensitive, because I know for sure that CPS have helped a lot of kids out of bad situations. Just seems like a double edged sword.

We live in an age where it's constant gratification. The only reason people want to go to baseball games, or go to the Grand Canyon, or to see the Golden Gate Bridge, or to a concert is so they can take pictures and videos, post them on the internet, and get the gratification that people "like" what they post. And they get even further gratification out of the fact that there are people that ARE NOT there and are Jealous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess my whole question is, who gives a shit? Why don't you go to a concert to enjoy the music? I used to take pictures and videos too, but it's because I want to remember the experience. Not try and make that one girl who is kinda rude sometimes to you that is like always posting on facebook about stuff that you don't really like and thats super annoying and I know that she likes this band and is gonna be SUPER jealous that I'm here and she is not she is at home with her lame boyfriend ha ha ha ha ha habitch ha ha.

I have had a couple of experiences recently where I have been at events and I look around and everyone is staring at their phones. Middle aged people totally included. Everyone was doing something on their phone. And I am totally not immune to this. But if you put me in a quiet room for a half an hour with only my phone, I would get bored super quick. Once I go through my twitter and instagram I am pretty much over it. I will read baseball reports if they come up, or if I really have to dig I will go to magazine twitter handles and read interviews with band members. But truly, after about a half hour, I usually will end up looking at old pictures on my phone or facebook. I do not understand how people can stare at their phones for hours on end. Is it games? are they doing work? I just don't understand. And to each their own, maybe it's that I have a poor attention span. But it's something that I've noticed.

The world has turned into a great melting pot of preformers and audience. "All the world's a stage" has never been a truer statement. You can be anywhere in the world and you can still post and gather attention, and get the validation we all so desperately need. To be honest, it's pretty scary. We can turn a tragedy like what happened in Orlando to push left or right wing agendas. Instead of getting out there and doing something helpful, like donating blood, we just retweet something that says "Retweet to show support of the victims of the Orlando shootings." I'm sure those who have passed on admire your courage for reposting something so everyone knows you are sensitive and care about them. They're probably brimming from the great beyond because you're so helpful. And maybe that's all you can do. But did you repost it because you truly believe it, or because you want people to think that you believe it? See, that is where I find the true danger in what the world has come to. It's no longer about morals and beliefs, its more about what you want people to think you believe in. And isn't that so messed up? It's more about how we look than who we are. It's taking what we used to call "shallow" and making it a thousand times worse. It's no longer about looks, its about followers and likes and this and that. Does anybody know what they stand for anymore?

I guess I wanna push that you don't need internet validation to be bad ass. You can do stuff and be cool and never post about it and not a soul would know, but you would. And that's all that really matters. Your friends and social media contacts are great, and their approval is probably nice (I wouldn't know, the internet hates me.) but at the end of the day, are your internet friends gonna be there when you're not cool? When it's just you, who is gonna think you are cool? your kids never will, that's for sure. I guess what I want to say is that instead of watering other peoples plants, you should water your own. That's a metaphor, for the simpletons. Don't wait to get approval from the internet to know you're doing something cool or becoming something great. Do it for yourself, and because you want to. Learn to enjoy your company and realize that the world is truly at your fingertips.

Once you understand that nobody really cares, it makes life a lot easier. People may like your posts, but they don't really care. It's all a cesspool of jealousy and hatred, that's what the internet is. They don't really care about you and what you're doing. Everyone alive is looking out for #1, you can believe that. If it doesn't affect them, they don't gain from it, or it doesn't fit their personal agenda, they don't care. Empathy doesn't exist online, you can only find that in real life; particularly your home. Stop posting about it and tell your parents and grandparents when you do something of note, if you're really looking for validation. Those people will always love you and support you.

That was a lot more serious than I intended. I'm also gonna post this without proof reading it; the time is now 12:11 AM and morale is low. I will fix typos tomorrow, probably, so tell the grammar police they're off duty tonight. God bless.

The Moldy Basement Of My Dreams

In spite of what Indians and possible soothsayers may tell, I don't believe that dreams mean anything. I guess in some aspects, sure, they could mean something. Maybe a solution to a problem. Perhaps a beacon from God. Maybe it's just your imagination doing some goofy shit. I have had dreams that I was talking to my grandma who has been dead for 6 years now. I have also had dreams that I can't get back to the ground and gravity isn't working. I think dreams, like life, are what you make of them. Having said that, I had a dream the other night that was stupid, but also lead me to a couple of conclusions about modern society.

So it was the bottom of the ninth inning and I was the skipper for the Tampa Bay Rays. We were playing the Washington Nationals, and Chris Archer was just closing out the ninth inning of his complete game shutout. I was looking around the dugout and thinking: "where am I?" and then David Price came up (I know, he's a Red Sock now, didn't I mention dreams don't make sense?) and started calling me 'coach' and asking me a bunch of questions about our next flight to New York where we were going to play a three game series against the Yankees. The weirdest part of it all was that the dugout was modeled after the terrible chain link dugouts I used to play baseball in as a kid. I was sitting on an aluminum bench next to David Price and started remembering that I was the manager for the Rays now and I lived a very lavish life in Florida. Anyway, the game ended and we had beat the Nationals 53 to 0. I remember that score because I said; holy shit, that's a lot of runs. We're awesome! So I went into the clubhouse which I thought was strange that we had a clubhouse since the dugout was a piece of crap. I went down into the clubhouse and saw Bryce Harper. I remember approaching him and I was getting very angry. I smiled really big as I shook his hand and said "I just want to thank you for being such a bad example for LDS kids everywhere to look up to." and then I turned heel and walked away.

Before you go jumping off the deep end and quoting scriptures that talk about how I should worry about the beam in my eye before I talk about the splinters in my brothers, I will stop you. Because I would never say that to anyone, because I am awful at being an example, particularly with church things. I wouldn't say that to Bryce Harper or anyone else, this is a dream. I will also never be a manager for a major league baseball team, this is a dream. I heard the talk during conference that mentioned that you get credit for trying in the church. So I don't want it to come across that way, even though that's what dream Jake wanted to come across, apparently. Just hang on, I'll bring it full circle.

I guess what I think that means in the real world, is just to be yourself, and do it 100%. If you want to be a church goer, do it 100%. No just on Sundays or on your social medias. If you want to be an alcoholic, do it 100%. Buy a bathrobe and never change out of it. I think that in this day and age there is such a blur between passion and appearance. With the invention of the internet its possible for people to be everywhere at once, and have too many pots on the burners. You can never really focus all your energy on one thing anymore. I went to Disneyland last weekend and there were more kids staring at their phones than looking around. I don't mean to gush about Disneyland, but that place is second to none when it comes to keeping you entertained while you wait in line. The attention to detail is absolutely breathtaking, and people are more concerned with snapchat or twitter. People can't pay attention to anything, because they're spread so thin. It's become more about how you appeal to the public eye rather than just enjoying what you're doing or where you're at. Stop it. Be passionate about one thing in your life, for once in your life. Don't just post scriptures on your social media to appear that you are religious. Post scriptures to your social media because you find them uplifting and want to help others. Share things that you enjoy and want others to enjoy, not to let your friends know that you are a super fan of this very minute and underground band/movie/whatever.

Whatever you do and whatever you are passionate about, make sure that you just do it 100%. People are attracted to passionate people. Your life will be much more fulfilling if you pursue what you are truly interested in and passionate about, than if you try to impress your friends and family on social media. Particularly if you don't care about what you post about when you are offline. That sounds exhausting. Log off for a while. Look around. Find your interests and pursue them. The internet is an awful basement of a place full of strange pictures, useless information and offended people. Don't live there, live where you are. The world has so much to offer you.

How that whole thing manifested itself into Bryce Harper, I don't know. I don't mean to accuse him of anything or being something he isn't. I genuinely don't know anything about him other than that he is a great baseball player, is (Or was) LDS, and swears at umpires when he gets ejected and runs back on the field. I don't follow him on anything and I don't watch Nationals baseball. And frankly, I don't really care that much what he, or anyone else does unless it manifests itself on my timelines in some way. It truly has no barring on my personal life. At least in my conscious state, I don't care. My dreams are a different story.

God Bless America! (With the exception of Donald Trump) Go Giants! Play Ball!

My Favorite Podcast Featuring Yours Truly.

I normally would only post through my Facebook feed because it's not my podcast, but I feel like if you are a fan of my writing style, you will enjoy this podcast I was just featured on. I also think you will enjoy prior podcasts from The Life Of Fry and also podcasts to come. Listen to the prior episodes, a few have made me laugh out loud.

I want to kind of stay cryptic here, but as the sole admin for Story Time With Jake I am teaming up with Matt from The Life Of Fry to bring a new podcast that I am really excited about. Having said that, if my writings are scarce now, they will probably become more-so in days to come as this project (hopefully) blooms. I'll keep you all in touch and post through this site when the episodes come up.

I appreciate the ongoing support.

Check out Life Of Fry episode 35: The Cryonic Woman feat. Ya Boy here:

http://www.soram.co/raf/35

Check out other Life Of Fry Episodes at www.soram.co

A Plug About Trump From Louis CK

These aren't my words, they were taken from an email list I am subscribed to from my favorite comedian, Louis CK. I felt that this little piece was poignant, thought provoking and important. I never post political things because I have always felt that its a good way to cause harsh feelings towards people. I just strongly agreed with this piece and felt people could benefit from it. Just know in advance that I won't argue back with anyone, and will more than likely delete comments that are going to cause people to argue. I am not interested in having updates on my phone whenever someone disagrees with someone else on my thread. If you are offended or have something you feel can't be left unsaid, put your phone down, think about it for a long time, and then just keep living your life and realize that it doesn't matter. You are going to change absolutely nobody's mind on the Internet. Thanks for your time.

"Please stop it with voting for Trump. It was funny for a little while. But the guy is Hitler. And by that I mean that we are being Germany in the 30s. Do you think they saw the shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb over who would say anything at all.  

And I'm not advocating for Hillary or Bernie. I like them both but frankly I wish the next president was a conservative only because we had Obama for eight years and we need balance. And not because I particularly enjoy the conservative agenda. I just think the government should reflect the people. And we are about 40 percent conservative and 40 percent liberal. When I was growing up and when I was a younger man, liberals and conservatives were friends with differences. They weren’t enemies. And it always made sense that everyone gets a president they like for a while and then hates the president for a while. But it only works if the conservatives put up a good candidate. A good smart conservative to face the liberal candidate so they can have a good argument and the country can decide which way to go this time.  

Trump is not that. He's an insane bigot. He is dangerous.  

He already said he would expand libel laws to sue anyone who "writes a negative hit piece" about him. He says "I would open up the libel laws so we can sue them and win lots of money. Not like now. These guys are totally protected." He said that. He has promised to decimate the first amendment. (If you think he’s going to keep the second amendment intact you’re delusional.) And he said that Paul Ryan, speaker of the house will "pay" for criticizing him. So I'm saying this now because if he gets in there we won't be able to criticize him anymore. 

Please pick someone else. Like John Kasich. I mean that guy seems okay. I don't like any of them myself but if you're that kind of voter please go for a guy like that. It feels like between him and either democrat we'd have a decent choice. It feels like a healthier choice. We shouldn't have to vote for someone because they're not a shocking cunt billionaire liar.

We should choose based on what direction the country should go.  

I get that all these people sound like bullshit soft criminal opportunists. The whole game feels rigged and it's not going anywhere but down anymore. I feel that way sometimes.  

And that voting for Trump is a way of saying "fuck it. Fuck them all". I really get it. It's a version of national Suicide. Or it's like a big hit off of a crack pipe. Somehow we can't help it. Or we know that if we vote for Trump our phones will be a reliable source of dopamine for the next four years. I mean I can't wait to read about Trump every day. It's a rush. But you have to know this is not healthy. 

If you are a true conservative. Don't vote for Trump. He is not one of you. He is one of him. Everything you have heard him say that you liked, if you look hard enough you will see that he one day said the exact opposite. He is playing you. 

In fact, if you do vote for Trump, at least look at him very carefully first. You owe that to the rest of us. Know and understand who he is. Spend one hour on google and just read it all. I don’t mean listen to me or listen to liberals who put him down. Listen to your own people. Listen to John Mccain. Go look at what he just said about Trump. "At a time when our world has never been more complex or more in danger... I want Republican voters to pay close attention to what our party's most respected and knowledgeable leaders and national security experts are saying about Mr. Trump, and to think long and hard about who they want to be our next Commander-in-Chief and leader of the free world.”

When Trump was told what he said, Trump said "Oh, he did? Well, that's not nice," he told CBS News' chief White House correspondent Major Garrett. "He has to be very careful."

When pressed on why, Trump tacked on: "He'll find out.”

(I cut and pasted that from CBS news)

Do you really want a guy to be president who threatens John McCain? Because John McCain cautiously and intelligently asked for people to be thoughtful before voting for him? He didn’t even insult Trump. He just asked you to take a good look. And Trump told him to look out.

Remember that Trump entered this race by saying that McCain is not a war hero. A guy who was shot down, body broken and kept in a POW camp for years. Trump said “I prefer the guys who don’t get caught.” Why did he say that? Not because he meant it or because it was important to say. He said it because he’s a bully and every bully knows that when you enter a new school yard, you go to the toughest most respected guy on the yard and you punch him in the nose. If you are still standing after, you’re the new boss. If Trump is president, he’s not going to change. He’s not going to do anything for you. He’s going to do everything for himself and leave you in the dust.    

So please listen to fellow conservatives. But more importantly, listen to Trump. Listen to all of it. Everything he says. If you liked when he said that “torture works” then go look at where he took it back the next day. He’s a fucking liar.  

A vote for Trump is so clearly a gut-vote, and again I get it. But add a little brain to it and look the guy up. Because if you vote for him because of how you feel right now, the minute he's president, you're going to regret it. You're going to regret it even more when he gives the job to his son. Because American democracy is broken enough that a guy like that could really fuck things up. That's how Hitler got there. He was voted into power by a fatigued nation and when he got inside, he did all his Hitler things and no one could stop him.

Again, I’m not saying vote democrat or vote for anyone else. If Hilary ends up president it should be because she faced the best person you have and you and I both chose her or him or whoever. Trump is not your best. He’s the worst of all of us. He’s a symptom to a problem that is very real. But don’t vote for your own cancer. You’re better than that.

That's just my view. At least right now. I know I’m not qualified or particularly educated and I'm not right instead of you. I’m an idiot and I'm sure a bunch of you are very annoyed by this. Fucking celebrity with an opinion. I swear this isn’t really a political opinion. You don’t want to know my political opinions.   (And I know that I’m only bringing myself trouble with this shit.) Trump has nothing to do with politics or ideology. He has to do with himself. And really I don't mean to insult anyone. Except Trump. I mean to insult him very much. And really I’m not saying he’s evil or a monster. In fact I don’t think Hitler was. The problem with saying that guys like that are monsters is that we don’t see them coming when they turn out to be human, which they all are. Everyone is. Trump is a messed up guy with a hole in his heart that he tries to fill with money and attention. He can never ever have enough of either and he’ll never stop trying. He’s sick. Which makes him really really interesting. And he pulls you towards him which somehow feels good or fascinatingly bad. He’s not a monster. He’s a sad man. But all this makes him horribly dangerous if he becomes president. Give him another TV show. Let him pay to put his name on buildings. But please stop voting for him. And please watch Horace and Pete." -Louis CK

Anybody Want A Peanut?

I don't really expect this to amount to much. It's 11:26 on a Friday night and I drank caffeine and ate entirely too much red meat too recently to be entering my second REM of sleep like I normally should be. Like most nights recently, I am up listening to my wife snooze and thinking about distant things; Baseball, vinyl, records being released this year, what I would do if I stumbled on a small loan of a million dollars, when will my wife finally have watched all the episodes of Teen Mom so we can stop watching that tremendously terrible show or I am going to cancel Hulu, and so on. While I lay and solve the worlds problems on my 1/4th of the bed, I have been having a pretty recurring thought recently.

I was thinking recently about how much I hated being engaged. I know that's brash to begin with, but hear me out. I was working 45 hours a week at an $8.50 pay scale. I felt like I was working my ass off and couldn't even afford to get a sandwich for lunch. My fiance was working as a flight attendant and was living in Minneapolis. She would come home every 2 or 3 weeks, but would stress about making it back to work in time, so we never really enjoyed ourselves. Not to mention, I hardly had time to spend with her anyway, I was working so often. So we planned this wedding from 1200 miles apart. To be fair, her mother did a tremendous amount of the work, I picked up the things I was trusted with. But I was trying to relay messages to everyone, pick things up, make invitations, get everything situated, and try not to stamp on anyone's toes in the process. I was so stressed. I was trying to impress in-laws, get my own shit together, try and make enough money to fund moving across the country, and dealing with a fiance that was even more stressed than I was. It was all I could do to not fall apart. And while that was totally and completely exhausting, I think the thing that was more exhausting was everyone's "advice." Offering nuggets of foolhardy information from a bitter marriage of 40 years that's solely consisted of not strangling your significant other. "Don't do it." was the one I heard the most. And I think it's partially in jest, I always kind of took it like: "I'm only joking... please help me." The only response I could ever muster was: "Wow. sounds like you married a real asshole, congratulations."

I guess I do understand it to some extent. Marriage means a few things. No more shitting with the door open, No more frozen pizzas for dinner every night, no more potato guns to shoot the neighbors, no more showering every third day, no more partially dirty laundry, no more only attending sacrament meetings, no more video games in your underwear and on and on and on. Getting married really means refining the edges in your life. And some people just aren't really cut out for that, and that's fine. Some people thrive on being single and meeting new women/men every night. some people don't like change. And I totally get that.

I guess what my rebuttal to all of that is a couple of things. Just because you are unhappy with your asshole of a wife/husband, doesn't mean that everyone will be. That's like suggesting that because you don't like vanilla ice cream they should stop serving it all together. What an dumb shit thing to suggest. Did you ever take into consideration that maybe you're the asshole in your relationship/for not liking vanilla ice cream? Just a thought. Being self aware is totally important.

I guess I should relay that the gist of that paragraph is that everyone is different. We all will have totally different experiences and things will work differently for everyone. So regardless of what information you hope to push across to those who aren't married, you should be aware that your advice could be rendered totally useless and a waste of breath. And more importantly, why would you ever raise a voice of warning about marriage to someone who is engaged? Is your sense of humor that terrible, or do you truly believe the bile you've just spilt? Saying someone shouldn't get married when you are married speaks volumes. Don't speak poorly of your wife ever, even if it's jokingly.

I also truly believe that if you marry the right person and for the right reasons, it's like taking all that shit that you love to do, and making it better. Sure, you may not get to do it as often as you would like. And you may have to put up with watching some painfully terrible dreadful and loathsome reality tv. But that is what makes it all worth it. Imagine your favorite thing, whatever it is. Eating ice cream in bed, sneaking $40 worth of McDonalds into a movie theater (looking @ U Kasey), Going to the beach, shooting bottle rockets at someones house, going to a concert, throwing water balloons at the Steck's house from the back of Jens' truck while their oldest son chases you with a gun to the outskirts of Ephraim, whatever it is, envision it. Now imagine doing that thing with someone you care more about than anyone in the world. Like, you don't wanna spend time with anyone else, or do anything without them because they're your best friend. And they feel the exact same way about you. it's like doing all that weird sadistic shit that was mentioned and making it 400000000 times better. That's how I feel about marriage.

I guess in some ways you do have to compromise some things. Unfortunately, that's what growing up means. Sometimes you have to not buy a bunch of useless stuff because you have to pay rent. Sometimes you have to sacrifice time you would like to be using swimming or doing fun stuff because you have to go to work because bills are due at the end of the month. Marriage is a similar concept. Sometimes you have to do dishes because your wife cooked. Sometimes you have to go out of your way to buy flowers to make your wife happy. Sometimes you have to watch Teen Mom because you keep farting in bed and that's the deal.

(Her way is not very sportsman-like.)


May God have mercy on Donald Trump's soul.

Influential Albums For A Young Standalone

I have recently been turning my attention to the roots of what truly is the genetic makeup of my weird musical taste. I decided to itemize it for my own purpose, and for those who may be interested in what I felt like was quintessential.


I guess I should mention that my list does not contain a lot of 70's-80's rock, of which is the norm. I grew up listening to 100% country music radio. My dad listened to a lot of George Straight, Keith Whitley, and Merle Haggard. My mom listened to Shania Twain, Martina McBride, and Dixie Chicks. I went out and bought Green Day's Warning when I was in 3rd grade, and my parents bought me Weird Al's Running With Scissors for Christmas one year; essentially starting what was my musical independence. I went through a heavy rap phase in 7th grade where I was fluent in Nelly's Country Grammar, Ludacris' Disturbin Tha Peace, and 50 Cent's The Massacre. It wasn't until 8th grade (2005) that I really started growing into my own. I was washing dishes at a local restaurant for $5.25 an hour under the table. I would cash my check every 2 weeks and go and buy CD's. I feel like it's important to mention that this was a time where I couldn't just look up music on Spotify or Youtube if I wanted to know about a band or how they sounded. You had to buy it or borrow a cd from a friend. The rise of MP3 players and iPods weren't until a couple of years later. And I was too poor to afford it.


Although I do feel like some albums were a little more shaping in my later years of high school, these are the few that stick out as the ones that started it all; mostly ranging from 2004-05 in their release. We'll start backwards from 10.

10.

Metallica - Self Titled

I was hesitant about adding this one to the list because of how I feel about Metallica now (RIP Napster) but I felt like that would be disingenuous. My cousin burned me a bunch of Nirvana, and Metallica CD's when I was quite young. This ended up being my favorite of the bunch (Although I did also really like Nevermind by Nirvana.) I listened to this album constantly. I am even wearing a Metallica shirt in my 10th grade school photo. Metal.

9.

Between The Buried And Me - Alaska

I purchased a different Victory Records CD and it included a DVD with various music videos on it. I watched that DVD so often that I had the videos memorized in what order they would appear. The song Alaska off this album was number 3. I went and found this CD and listened to it a lot. Part of it was because I enjoyed the music. The other part was that it was heavy as hell, and I liked feeling bad ass.

8.

System Of A Down - Mezmerize

To be totally honest, I have no idea how I became a S.O.A.D. fan. I saw their music video for B.Y.O.B. one morning on VH1 and decided to go buy that CD. (I actually made my sister take me to FYE and buy the unedited version, thanks Amanda. Now I know a whole bunch of damn swear words because of it.) I became a huge fan thereafter, and bought all the subsequent releases. I used to wear my System Of A Down shirt to wrestling meets to let everyone know I wasn't dicking around.

7.

Avenged Sevenfold - City Of Evil

Another one of those albums I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I still know almost every word off. This is also one of those bands I am not sure how I became a fan of. I saw someone wearing an Avenged shirt at school one day and he looked super bad ass. So I decided to go and purchase City Of Evil. It was all downhill from there.

6.

Senses Fail - Let It Enfold You

My brother actually bought this cd. I don't really remember when the time frame was. But, we used to live in a loft together when we were young and we would listen to this CD on a little boom box over and over again. I still quite enjoy it.

5.

Hawthorne Heights - If Only You Were Lonely

I remember my sister taking me to school one morning as a freshman and she was listening to Niki FM off Hawthorne's previous release "The Silence In Black And White" and thought it was really cool. I went to the store and couldn't find that CD, so I bought this one. I did not end up regretting it. This album was perfect for an overweight freshman at the time.

4.

Silverstien - Discovering The Waterfront

Again. This one totally stumps me as to how I stumbled onto this album. I know that they had a music video for Smashed Into Pieces from their prior release on the DVD I previously mentioned, but I can't be sure that that was the reason. I still love this album. I recently attended the 10 year tour where they played the album in full. It made Jake of yesteryear quite happy.

3.

Chiodos - All's Well That Ends Well

I remember stumbling on some kind of Equal Vision Records sampler that featured Baby You Wouldn't Last A Minute On The Creek. I went up to FYE later that week and purchased this album. I listened to it on my commute just the other day, it's still as good now as it is then. This was one of the first progressive bands I got very invested in.

2.

Underoath - They're Only Chasing Safety

I would say my most fond memory of this album is going and playing football at my friend Nick's house. He would put it on the outside speakers and we would just play football for hours. This was the very first album I put on my iPod when I had saved up and bought it years later. This album has stood the test of time. I can't wait for their reunion tour where they will be playing this front to back along with Define The Great Line.

1.

Coheed And Cambria - Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness

Anyone who knew me back then could have easily seen this coming from a long way off. I used to wear my Coheed shirt 2 times per week because I loved it so much. I usually get guff from fellow Coheed fans because most of them worship (oft times literally) their prior release, In Keeping Secrets. I do like that release, however this release had perfect timing for me. Trying to fit in in high school, not really having a place, being so tired of hearing the same rap music in the locker room, this album was a beacon of light. It has always felt like home to me. I still appreciate it in that light.

I Hate Sports Fans. (I Hate Myself)

I've spent the last 2 weeks pouring over countless Super Bowl reports, while tediously trying to distract myself with MLB trade rumors, and other winter off-season nonsense that MLB writers publish based on boredom/desperation.

"Top Five Double Play 2B/SS Combos Projected For 2016."

Me: "Huh. This is probably worth reading and may contain very vital information for the forthcoming season."

I guess part of me is trying to avoid, inevitably, getting too emotionally invested in this Super Bowl. The other part of me understands that it's not terribly often that the team you've been pouring over since 1999 makes it to the biggest stage in football 2 out of 3 years. (Unless, of course you're a fan of the Patriots and, vicariously, their methods of cheating or cutting corners.) So it's hard to not get invested.

I guess I have such a love hate relationship with watching professional sports. While it's worth the risk/reward supporting one franchise for your life, it never really pays off like it should. You can have a lifelong devotion to a team and never have the satisfaction of rubbing it in your enemies face, or even have the team acknowledge you. For instance, there are Cubs fans who have lived their whole lives and then died before seeing them win a World Series. Seriously, it's been 100 years. However, there is something so admirable about picking one team (per sport) and being a fan regardless of good years or bad. On the contrary, I have never had patience for the dip shits that say "I am a fan of players." That may very well be true, but it doesn't make you any less of an asshole for buying/wearing a Richard Sherman/Marshawn Lynch jersey in 2013. It makes you look like you're a fan of winning teams.

I have just found an odd stigma in professional sports, and sports in general. People (Myself ABSOLUTELY included) feel an odd sense of entitlement when it comes to professional sports; a game in which we do not play. We don't participate, the coaches don't call us for advice/reports in between quarters or after the 7th inning stretch, we don't attend the press conference afterwards to give our analysis of the game, and we sure as hell did not hit a home run or score any touchdowns. We simply picked a team, bought a hat/shirt, and now they are winning instead of losing. So now we get to thumb our noses at the Los Angeles Dodgers or Oakland Raiders fans, and in some cases verbally/physically assault them. We also get to express a seared in hatred for opposing players we dislike like Chase Utley, Charles Woodson, Yasiel Puig and Johnathan Papelbon. We may even say that they are awful players, bad people, need Jesus, are responsible for your divorce, gave your child a poor body image, and should be locked up for the rest of their life and maybe even chemically burned to death.

I think it's strange how easy it is to develop a hatred for someone you have never met in real life. You don't know where they live, what their favorite snow cone might be, or even what car they drive. But, you know that you hate them based on the way that they present themselves in a child's game they get paid millions of dollars to play. I'm not scolding, because I do it too. They're getting paid lots of money to play a game, which means we, the fans, have a right to scrutinize, scold, and (hopefully) bring to punishment, no? I even do it with actors/actresses; ask my wife how much I hate Anne Hathaway and how earnestly I believe that she ruined the Dark Knight Rises (Maybe I will publish a book on the subject.) I just find it interesting that it is so easy to hate someone based on what team is signing their checks. More importantly, how easy it is to hate someone because they are so incredibly talented and playing for a team that isn't the one you signed with (Figure of speech.) Looking at you Tom Brady and Clayton Kershaw; you assholes.

More importantly, I think it's strange that people justify shitty actions like stabbing, violently approaching and even verbally abusing another human being based on what jersey they are wearing; fan or player. I sometimes read about people beating the hell out of one another because they were wearing the opposing teams merchandise. Why? Did that team say your mother was fat? Did the organization write you a letter stating that they slept with your wife while you were away on business? And now you have a personal vendetta to destroy them, one fan at a time? Look, I am as competitive as anyone, and I am also a very sore loser, but never would I ever physically fight someone because they are a Dodgers/Seahawks/whatever fan.

If you are planning on starting a fight over sports, I'll say this: Fight the fair weather fans. Those kids that are wearing Golden State Warriors hats this year that were wearing Miami Heat hats 2 years ago, those are the kids that need a punch in the ear. Not the 30 year old wearing a Diamondbacks hat (He's had it hard enough.)

My very good friend Nick Peterson put it in perfect light: "Being a fan of a sports team is never a good enough reason to be friends with someone. It's also never a good reason to fight someone. It really doesn't matter THAT much."

Couldn't have said it better.

I do have 2 final complaints about professional sports. I have found that my biggest flaw as a fan is that the taste of victory does not even come close to the sorrow of defeat. It doesn't matter what sport. I have to admit that winning the AFC Championship this year was really awesome as a Denver fan, however, it was not nearly as wonderful as knowing the Patriots lost. I don't really know why that is, but I relish far more in the loss of my enemies, than the victory of my friends. And seeing people I dislike succeed is always so difficult to watch. I'm sure there is some psychological diagnosis for me. But, being a sociopath pays off occasionally.

All in all, I think my biggest problem with professional sports is the sense of helplessness you feel when your team is getting a good old fashioned ass kicking. I lived through the days of Jake Plummer, Jay Cutler and Tim Tebow at the helm of the Broncos offense. I know what it's like for a team to have you bent over a barrel. The strangest contrast I found in that, was that I never felt that way while competing myself. I could be going into a state wrestling tournament for 3rd place, heading into over time and still feel a shroud of hope that if I put forth the effort I can still win. You can never really trust professional athletes to have the same resolve. Sometimes I think that when the game has gone tits up, they're content to let it float. I saw the 2014 Super Bowl; well, the first 3 quarters, I left after that.

May the Lord bless your teams and future endeavors. Unless you're a Yankees, Dodgers, Packers, Patriots, Seahawks, Bulls, Lakers, Kings, Cougars, or Panthers fan. Then I hope your family gets the bird flu.

Go Broncos. Hail Peyton.