Well, I was almost asleep and then my monstrously loud, heavy footed, nasty woman, bad hombre neighbor decided to stomp around the kitchen and scream at her kids for a few more minutes before the 10 PM curfew struck and I call the police. I have headphones in and can still hear her stomping around. How is that even possible? It's as if I am living under someone who stars on the TLC series "My 600 lb Life" She doesn't weigh 600 lbs, but you'd never guess that by sound alone. It's like a truck is driving around up there. Anyway, I'm up because I'm trying to decide if I should send her anthrax in the mail or faux as a salesperson and kill her in person.
This will be my last neighbor complaint, but I feel like this story is genuinely too rich to not document. The other morning Mrs. Dinosaur was up crashing around at 5:45 AM. After slamming the cupboards and refrigerator open and closed a few times, I heard her call her 3 year old downstairs. When she got downstairs, she screamed in this little girls face, and I quote "DID YOU EAT MY F*CKING YOGURT?! G*D DAMN YOU SAVANNAH I AM SO G*D DAMN F*CKING SICK OF MY LIFE GOING TO F*CKING SHIT BECAUSE OF YOU F*CKING KIDS. YOU RUIN EVERY F*CKING THING. I CANNOT HAVE ANYTHING!"
This raised a few questions for me.
1) Who wakes up at 5:45?
2) Who can wake up that early and start screaming as loud as they can?
3) How good was this yogurt?
4) Even if it's true, should you ever tell your kids that they ruined your life?
5) Who taught you to swear? They did a bad job.
I don't think I have ever seen my wife more upset than she was that morning. I laughed, because anyone who can wake up at 5:45 and start a fight with a 3 year old girl over yogurt has already punched her ticket to hell, in my opinion. She could be the anti-Christ for all I know. But my wife won't stop until she's locked up. Is there a prize for a Nasty Woman award? This lady is worse than Clinton, I promise. She has yelled at her kids every day for 300 days straight. That's not an overshot either.
Anyway, this blog isn't about my neighbor. I just thought that would be fun to share.
I was just thinking about dieting and health today. Which I realize is an anomaly if you were to see me in person. I have this thing where I think about people congratulating me on losing weight a lot. I haven't lost any, it's just nice to think about what people would say if I did. I imagine people are nicer to skinny people than they are to fat ones.
Isn't it nice to think about how cool it would be if people were nice?
I was thinking about dieting today because I saw a picture of myself and wasn't sure that it was me. So that's not great. But that's what you get, I guess.
I have this weird thing with diet and weight loss. Mostly because I wrestled in high school. So I always equated losing weight to just running around with garbage sacks on and losing weight in an hour or so. One time I went to practice my senior year in all sweats, and I lost 11 pounds of water weight. That was wild as hell. I don't necessarily think that this wrestling mindset crippled me in any way, I think it actually made me realize that any weight loss goal is possible. If I can lose 11 pounds in 2 hours, people can accomplish their goals. Anyone can.
I just have been thinking about the super trendy diets recently. Not about starting them, because I'm not crazy. "All you have to do is put this patch on and only drink water and you'll lose weight!" I just think it's interesting that we're complicating such a simple equation. Stop eating so much and so much garbage + more exercise should = weight loss. At least that's how I think, and I am not a nutritionist nor a pinnacle of good health.
I just want to give a thumbs up to anyone who is on square one, or square 100 with any health goals. Or any goals at all. I think it's important for people to realize that almost everyone has body issues or things they wish they could change. But not everyone can afford to have elective surgery when they find something they want to improve. We all have to work for stuff. Which sucks, I like not doing stuff so much more. Not doing stuff is easily my most favorite hobby. Sitting down is my second favorite hobby. This really isn't conducive to helping anyone (or me) with health goals. I just think it's important for everyone to realize that exercising is stupid and hard. I realize that's cliche to knock on exercise. Fat folks everywhere love a good anti-exercise joke. (I know I do.)
In parting I want to give a few bullet points to sum this all up and tie it together and hopefully will give you all guidance for the days to come:
-Don't have neighbors.
-Don't give up on your goals, you can do it.
-Reward hard work with a lot of sitting.
-Don't take yogurt that isn't yours, you never know whose life you may have ruined.
This is your captain through the weird; Snakes. Signing off from Santaquin. God Bless. G'Night.
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