Sparkling water can kiss my ass

I had a dream the other night that I was at an ice cream store. Some of you may not find this to be a surprise by any measure, just by looking at me. I probably dream about food all the time, but that's for me to know. Anyway, I was at the ice cream store when two fellows walked in, had a look around to assess who was there, then pulled out their firearms and robbed the ice cream store. The burning question I have had since having this reverie is; why would anyone want to hold up an ice cream store for money? I can't imagine that they would have much money. But then again, I haven't been a robber in a long time, so what would I know about that?

My conclusion, your honor, is that the type of people who hold up an ice cream store are the same type of people who actively seek out and DRINK sparkling water. Their judgement is clouded, at best, and they couldn't be trusted with any major schemes or robberies.

Sparkling water is such a bullshit excuse for a drink. I would rather drink plain water, and honestly, I'd rather be thirsty than drink plain water. 

I realize that plain water is absolutely essential to life, and I think that's great. But when people carbonate it just for the sheer sake of carbonating something is like putting wings on a pig; it doesn't mean the damn thing is going to fly. It's a pointless, tasteless, useless, addition to something; and you, against all odds, make water worse. Water honestly sucks, that's why we started drinking milk from cows and goats, because water is the worst. We did something that no other animal in the history of existence has done, we went up and stole milk from other animals nipples to drink it ourselves. Cleverly thinking; this dumbass cow drinks enough water for the both of us! Finding shortcuts for hydration. Just because we would rather not drink water.

And here we are, instead of taking the tried and true methods around drinking plain water, take a longer road home and drink 'sparkling water'. Standing around thinking "You know what? I am awfully thirsty. Do you have anything that tastes like pickle juice but is bubbly? Just have an insatiable thirst for something sparkling, but I want it to taste like it was poured on the sidewalk first." Get the hell out of here.

They probably only serve sparkling water in prison along with plain white rice with dried out gravy. And I would imagine that even prisoners are trading smokes for packets of sugar to dump into their beverage from hell. The guy with the most Stevia is likely the king pin in the prison, a modern day Al Capone. But I can only think that even adding sugar to sparkling water is like putting a band aid on an axe wound.

The only instance I could ever see myself drinking sparkling water would be if I were stranded in a desert and it was between a nice cold Perrier and my own urine. And honestly, I would probably just water down my whiz with some of the Perrier.

If I want something sparkling, it's going to be a Sprite every time. Sprite is delicious and flavorful, and the drink choice of both Lebron James and Grant Hill. Some of you may turn your nose up at this and say "You dumb bastard, that's why you'll be fat your entire life." My retort would be: If the price I have to pay to lose weight is drinking sparkling water, then I will die with a smile on my face as they take off part of my roof and remove my fat bloated 800 lb corpse with a crane, and I will see YOU in hell. Enjoy your sparkling dog shit.

To my lovely wife who will read this and inevitably comment - "I like sparkling water...";

Get a grip. <3