Sunday, April 14, 2019

Diet Soda Is A Cult


I have been officially brain washed. While I am aware that this is not a cognizant thought that someone who has truly been brain washed typically has, I can assure you that I have without question been brain washed.

Have you ever had skim milk? It sucks total and complete ass. I have never been quiet about my disdain for skim milk, nor will I ever be. Skim milk is the mediocre sitcom of beverages. You don't actively search it out, you just drink it/watch it because it doesn't make you feel better or worse. It just lets you sink into nothingness. Unless you are me. Skim milk inspires hatred and anger. I think people who tell themselves they like skim milk probably also tell themselves that they like kale and mushrooms. Most of the people who drink skim milk are people who grew up with it. Which means that their parents might not have loved them very much. I feel sorry for them having such a rough upbringing, to be totally honest. I would imagine that they never had any good cereal to at least sweeten up the skim bullshit, they probably just had raisin bran and tears. Ron Swanson has summed up skim milk in the best possible way. Said he: "There is only one thing I hate more than lying; skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk." I will never drink skim milk, and I will die on that hill.

Did I get off on the wrong foot? Am I ranting about skim milk's inferiority again? Yes, and I always will.

Anyway, back to me being brain washed. Have you ever had diet soda? It's basically like regular soda but without the delicious taste and the conscious weight and pain of a regular soda. It's like telling yourself that you are drinking water, but if it actually tasted good. It's really similar to eating a lean cuisine instead of a hungry man, you eat it and you're like 'well, that wasn't very satisfying, but it did the job.' A phrase I am sure that is uttered most often by brides on their wedding night. They shouldn't call it diet, they should just call it guilt free soda. I don't truly believe that it will help you with your diet, I just think it helps you justify it. Like myself, we are all just looking to justify our poor actions and behaviors.

I recently went 'on the wagon' so to speak, and stopped drinking the fully leaded Coca Cola. AKA the nectar of the Gods. Saying that you're 'on the wagon' is just a nice way of saying that you have lost control of your actions and can't be trusted to make good decisions or have something in moderation. You are a glutton. So you must quit cold turkey, withal. That is what I had to do with Coke. I love Coke, and I would drink it all day long and would feel nothing. However, the intake of that much high fructose corn syrup was affecting my body. Against all odds, I was getting fatter. I never admitted it out loud, but I would stand shirtless in front of the mirror for long spells of time looking at myself in horror. It was like I was waiting for bloody Mary to come out. But instead I was just looking at a burlap sack filled with mushy potatoes. So my wife suggested that I stop drinking Coke.

I'm still hopelessly addicted to the caffeine. When your alarm clock rings at 4:30 AM every weekday, you need the help. I have resorted to Excedrin in the mornings to keep me awake on my drive. But all the while I think longingly about Coke and its loving embrace. I'm sure the hard drug AKA booger sugar would wake me up as well, but I am talking about the soda here.

My mother in law tried to convert me to diet coke when we went on a cruise this winter. She said and I quote "you don't like it at first and then you just keep drinking it and one day you like it." Which to me sounded like nonsense. You might as well be telling me "you don't know how much better your sense of smell can be until you gouge your eyes out." This sounded like Diet Coke cult pyramid scheme nonsense.

And then it happened.

I knew if I had one drop of coke that I would backslide and I would have to start all over again. So I started drinking Coke Zero. Which I still find to be a piss poor excuse for a Coke, but it's tolerable.

Then I found Coke Zero with Vanilla. Which is still like the Asian knock off of Vanilla Coke (Which is basically legal crack. How can they get away with selling something that good? Vanilla Coke on tap > literally everything else)

Now I am drinking Diet Mtn Dew and wondering what happened to my life. Am I going to become like every other middle aged white woman who drinks diet? Am I going to start believing in the healing powers of DoTerra oils? Will my next car be an SUV with a third row of seats? Will I start using dry shampoo? Will I bleach my hair blonde? I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm not convinced that diet is better than regular and I never will be. I just find it to be a tolerable and guilt free alternative. At least until I get aspartame poisoning. What will I drink then? Water? Get right the hell out of here.


Saturday, April 6, 2019

Mirror Mirror On The Wall Who's The Biggest Dumb Ass Of All

Have you ever thought that you had bad luck? Like maybe you spilled the salt and that's the reason that you fell down the stairs? Or maybe you walked under a ladder and that's why you aren't rich? I have these thoughts all the time. I always try to explain something that has happened, either good or bad, on some external force that is out to get me/trying to help me.

I grew up in an overly superstitious household. Being called from another room because someone dropped a fork and didn't want to pick it up. Or throwing a handful of salt over your right shoulder to correct the salt you spilt on the table. It gets a little exhausting trying to trace back all my steps and think "Maybe it was because I _____________." Always seeking for some kind of explanation for everything, although comforting at the conclusion to find a blame for things, was tiring.

I do think that some superstitions can be interesting/valuable. I love hardcore/metal music, I have for years and years. My parents thought that it was because I was possessed, but in reality I just liked being different, and liked music with some kind of message. I listened to a lot of heavy music through my tenure at Manti High School. I also played football and wrestled. While most of the guys on my team would listen to music in the locker room prior to a game, my 'superstition' was to not listen to music at all, even though I love(d) music. I found that I preformed much better if I just sat and thought. So does that mean I would play horribly if I were to listen to music? Not likely. In retrospect I just had a better head space. So maybe some 'superstitions' are more of a preferential thing that get carried throughout time, and passed on.

Or maybe people are just insane?

Have you ever looked into peoples 'signs'? Those are some beliefs I do not understand. Because you were born at a certain time when the earth was a certain position in its pattern around the sun explains why you act a certain way? Not only that, it will predict future actions and behavior patterns? Who even thought long enough about that to piece that together? I don't even know what my sign is, or what I will act like. Is that typical behavior for my sign? Did they predict that? Is there other magic involved? Can the stars tell me the next lottery drawing numbers? Can they at least tell me whats for dinner?

Never mind, I am cooking dinner I already know whats for dinner, stupid. That was a trick question.

Have you ever thought that maybe all the bad luck and signs are just your excuse for not taking responsibility for your own shitty actions? Or not accepting that sometimes bad things happen for a reason you can't explain? I understand the feeling that you don't want to accept that something is out of your control. That is probably one of the hardest lessons that I am still learning as I have grown up. I have learned in my marriage that I am a 'fixer'. I just solve problems, whatever they are and whatever the cost. Even if I have to stay up all night, I will fix the sink, or the toilet, or the car, or whatever. If something happens that I can't fix, it honestly and truly upsets me. So I have spent the last couple of years trying to reign that in. I agree that it's way easier to have something fall through, or the car break down, or money run out and shake your fist at the sky and curse God, or the devil, or Sagittarius or your cursed luck, or what the hell ever. It's hard to accept that sometimes things just fall apart for no rhyme or reason. Even if you are doing your best, and you have lived up to every statute you have set up for yourself, but it falls short. That is heart breaking. But maybe things fall apart so you can be better. In whatever way. I can't tell you that tragedy is a good thing. I also can't tell you that it is or is not because of Venus' moon cycle or whatever, or because you broke a mirror and have bad luck. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe diamonds and precious metals will start flying out of my ass.

I can tell you that the sooner you take responsibility for your actions, the better your life will be. If you spend all your time shouting at salt shakers and the star patterns, you will miss out on a great deal. Fix what you can fix, don't worry about what you cannot. Have a good laugh every once in a while. Life is hard, that's why nobody survives. You might as well not spend it blaming the unknown and be thankful for what you have.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to look up what my horoscope is and eat some fortune cookies and maybe even visit a local tarot card reader or other charlatan. May you all have an abundance of good luck, you idiots.
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