I have been officially brain washed. While I am aware that this is not a cognizant thought that someone who has truly been brain washed typically has, I can assure you that I have without question been brain washed.
Have you ever had skim milk? It sucks total and complete ass. I have never been quiet about my disdain for skim milk, nor will I ever be. Skim milk is the mediocre sitcom of beverages. You don't actively search it out, you just drink it/watch it because it doesn't make you feel better or worse. It just lets you sink into nothingness. Unless you are me. Skim milk inspires hatred and anger. I think people who tell themselves they like skim milk probably also tell themselves that they like kale and mushrooms. Most of the people who drink skim milk are people who grew up with it. Which means that their parents might not have loved them very much. I feel sorry for them having such a rough upbringing, to be totally honest. I would imagine that they never had any good cereal to at least sweeten up the skim bullshit, they probably just had raisin bran and tears. Ron Swanson has summed up skim milk in the best possible way. Said he: "There is only one thing I hate more than lying; skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk." I will never drink skim milk, and I will die on that hill.
Did I get off on the wrong foot? Am I ranting about skim milk's inferiority again? Yes, and I always will.
Anyway, back to me being brain washed. Have you ever had diet soda? It's basically like regular soda but without the delicious taste and the conscious weight and pain of a regular soda. It's like telling yourself that you are drinking water, but if it actually tasted good. It's really similar to eating a lean cuisine instead of a hungry man, you eat it and you're like 'well, that wasn't very satisfying, but it did the job.' A phrase I am sure that is uttered most often by brides on their wedding night. They shouldn't call it diet, they should just call it guilt free soda. I don't truly believe that it will help you with your diet, I just think it helps you justify it. Like myself, we are all just looking to justify our poor actions and behaviors.
I recently went 'on the wagon' so to speak, and stopped drinking the fully leaded Coca Cola. AKA the nectar of the Gods. Saying that you're 'on the wagon' is just a nice way of saying that you have lost control of your actions and can't be trusted to make good decisions or have something in moderation. You are a glutton. So you must quit cold turkey, withal. That is what I had to do with Coke. I love Coke, and I would drink it all day long and would feel nothing. However, the intake of that much high fructose corn syrup was affecting my body. Against all odds, I was getting fatter. I never admitted it out loud, but I would stand shirtless in front of the mirror for long spells of time looking at myself in horror. It was like I was waiting for bloody Mary to come out. But instead I was just looking at a burlap sack filled with mushy potatoes. So my wife suggested that I stop drinking Coke.
I'm still hopelessly addicted to the caffeine. When your alarm clock rings at 4:30 AM every weekday, you need the help. I have resorted to Excedrin in the mornings to keep me awake on my drive. But all the while I think longingly about Coke and its loving embrace. I'm sure the hard drug AKA booger sugar would wake me up as well, but I am talking about the soda here.
My mother in law tried to convert me to diet coke when we went on a cruise this winter. She said and I quote "you don't like it at first and then you just keep drinking it and one day you like it." Which to me sounded like nonsense. You might as well be telling me "you don't know how much better your sense of smell can be until you gouge your eyes out." This sounded like Diet Coke cult pyramid scheme nonsense.
And then it happened.
I knew if I had one drop of coke that I would backslide and I would have to start all over again. So I started drinking Coke Zero. Which I still find to be a piss poor excuse for a Coke, but it's tolerable.
Then I found Coke Zero with Vanilla. Which is still like the Asian knock off of Vanilla Coke (Which is basically legal crack. How can they get away with selling something that good? Vanilla Coke on tap > literally everything else)
Now I am drinking Diet Mtn Dew and wondering what happened to my life. Am I going to become like every other middle aged white woman who drinks diet? Am I going to start believing in the healing powers of DoTerra oils? Will my next car be an SUV with a third row of seats? Will I start using dry shampoo? Will I bleach my hair blonde? I don't know who I am anymore.
I'm not convinced that diet is better than regular and I never will be. I just find it to be a tolerable and guilt free alternative. At least until I get aspartame poisoning. What will I drink then? Water? Get right the hell out of here.
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