Take It From Me, I Am A Doctor.

Have you ever seen someone blow their nose into a plastic sandwich bag while you were trying to eat your lunch? Because I have. The problem isn't really that it happened, as much as it is that I haven't been able to stop reliving it. I think this is what they refer to in the medical world as 'emotional trauma'. Don't worry, I never got medically diagnosed for that. That is just what I, Dr. Mantis Toboggan, diagnosed myself with.

Isn't that such a strange thing? That people can literally read about shit online and diagnose themselves with problems? Some dumb ass website designer makes this thing that says "That this quiz to find out if you are bipolar!" and then this 40 year old lady does, it 'passes' the test, then just ASSUMES she has a chronic and debilitating mental illness. We went from 'Take this test to find out which Disney character you are!' alllllllllll the way to 'Take this test to find out if you have AIDS!' I hate to say this, but you should really be seeing a doctor, and not the Internet to get diagnosed with problems. The reason I hate to say that is because I straight up hate going to the doctor. Doctors are essentially people who can get away with insulting people, in the name of health. Every time I see a doctor, doesn't matter which one, they all say the same thing. "You probably don't feel very good because you are fat as SHIT!" And then the nurse comes in and high fives them.

I might have been exaggerating that last bit, but you will never know because I am protected under HIPAA law, bitch. Call the cops.

My biggest complaint amongst all of the Internet cures, diagnoses, and so forth is that people will go on generally believing whatever they read on the Internet, and then question what a licensed medical professional tells them. And just continue to believe whatever they want. I suppose that is their right, but hot damn.

I have found that this is particularly true amongst the tangled web of mental health/illnesses. People will read about someone who has actual diagnosed anxiety and/or depression disorder and will be like: "Dang. sometimes, I get nervous... I also sometimes get sad... I must have anxiety and depression, too!" And then will just believe that. Some side effects that they absolutely made up, and will believe that they have those problems. To me, this is criminally idiotic. That is like saying that your ass gets itchy sometimes, so you must have hemorrhoids. If you have ever met someone who truly has diagnosed anxiety or depression, you would not assume that you have those disorders because sometimes you like to stay in bed, or you get nervous before you go take a test. You would also not wish those disorders upon yourself.

I find humor in everything. The reason I write this is because I hope to make someone out there laugh, or at least smile. We are facing a harder and harder time, and mental health is something that we have to start taking seriously. We no longer live in 1920 where you can just go to work all day while you simultaneously smoke cigarettes and then come home and drink yourself into a stupor to forget all your problems. (Sounds nice though, if I am being honest) So take good care and watch out for those that you love, stab all the ones that you don't.