Happy Halloween, You Freaks.

Halloween is one of the strangest holidays. Think about the premise of Halloween; dress your children up and take them door to door to beg for candy. I honestly am surprised that more things don't go awry on Halloween. Maybe they have and I just haven't noticed. I was thinking about my past Halloween nights, and what has gone on. I felt I could stand to share a few memories.

In sixth grade I dressed up as Fat Bastard from Austin Powers' Goldmember. My mom sewed together two thermal shirts that are flesh colored and filled it up with cotton. Which I thought was pretty ingenious. We also sewed together a plaid sumo wrestling thong, and colored my hair orange. It was one of my favorite Halloween costumes I ever dressed up as.

The night of this particular Halloween I was hanging out with my friend Tanner and my other friend Brandon. My friend Tanner was Johnny Appleseed (at least I think) He was wearing overalls and a pot of some sort on his head. My other friend Brandon was a werewolf. We went out trick or treating that night and had about hit the entire west side of Manti, and we came on a well known polygamist home. When we went up to the door, there was a hand written sign that said something to this effect: "Unless you want to be taken into polygamy and forced to marry our daughters and wear long sleeve shirts and pants forever, don't knock on the door, we don't serve trick or treaters."

Just kidding. It said that they don't celebrate Halloween and to not knock.

My friend Brandon was upset by their threats about being taken into polygamy and, just wanting candy, threw a rock at their window and exclaimed "Give me some F#cking candy!"

Here's where the story gets a little fuzzy. I can't say for sure if the rock broke the window or not. Because when I saw him throw the rock, I turned and ran as fast as I could; We all did. I remember hearing a truck start as I was about 2-3 blocks away. We ran to my friend Tanner's house where we camped out in his family's camp trailer, and spent the rest of our night eating candy and discussing women and body parts, I'm sure. I don't really think this story is funny based on us potentially breaking a polygamists window and probably disrupting their goat sacrifice. I think it's funny to think about a kid in a homemade fat suit, another kid with a pot on his head, and a third dressed as a werewolf running as fast as they can down the street. I remember having to hang onto my fat pants/plaid thong as I ran.

It's a shame that trick or treating is going away; even though I understand, and agree, why. They do the "Trunk or treat" things now where you go on some night and collect candy from the community in an hour or less. I remember having to hike clear up to the east side of town because I knew Judge Tibbs gave out king size candy bars; and as a kid, that was the whole adventure. Walking for blocks and blocks trying to get the biggest haul. Then going home and having to share with my siblings because they were unwilling to work as hard, or walk as far as I was.

I like, and have always liked, Halloween because there's such a dividing line in people. There's the people who go all out and do their makeup to look like they've been dead for years, and there's the people who do as little (Or nothing) as possible, I always viewed it as a way to see who the real freaks are; And I like that. I like seeing people get passionate and invested in something. Because doing nothing is so much easier (and rewarding, tbh.) So I applaud anyone who is passionate about anything, including Halloween.

So, to all you freaks going out and doing devil stuff (Col, looking at you, bud.) and anyone who is hauling their kids around, I hope today turns out okay. Take time to celebrate and mask yourself into whatever you wanna be, at least for a night. (Unless you're a polygamist abducting kids.)

Happy Haunting.

Nasty Woman (Women)

Perhaps some of you opened this blog as you said audibly "Why Jacob, it's nearly 10 PM, what are you doing still awake and about?"

Well, I was almost asleep and then my monstrously loud, heavy footed, nasty woman, bad hombre neighbor decided to stomp around the kitchen and scream at her kids for a few more minutes before the 10 PM curfew struck and I call the police. I have headphones in and can still hear her stomping around. How is that even possible? It's as if I am living under someone who stars on the TLC series "My 600 lb Life" She doesn't weigh 600 lbs, but you'd never guess that by sound alone. It's like a truck is driving around up there. Anyway, I'm up because I'm trying to decide if I should send her anthrax in the mail or faux as a salesperson and kill her in person.

This will be my last neighbor complaint, but I feel like this story is genuinely too rich to not document. The other morning Mrs. Dinosaur was up crashing around at 5:45 AM. After slamming the cupboards and refrigerator open and closed a few times, I heard her call her 3 year old downstairs. When she got downstairs, she screamed in this little girls face, and I quote "DID YOU EAT MY F*CKING YOGURT?! G*D DAMN YOU SAVANNAH I AM SO G*D DAMN F*CKING SICK OF MY LIFE GOING TO F*CKING SHIT BECAUSE OF YOU F*CKING KIDS. YOU RUIN EVERY F*CKING THING. I CANNOT HAVE ANYTHING!"

This raised a few questions for me.
1) Who wakes up at 5:45?
2) Who can wake up that early and start screaming as loud as they can?
3) How good was this yogurt?
4) Even if it's true, should you ever tell your kids that they ruined your life?
5) Who taught you to swear? They did a bad job.

I don't think I have ever seen my wife more upset than she was that morning. I laughed, because anyone who can wake up at 5:45 and start a fight with a 3 year old girl over yogurt has already punched her ticket to hell, in my opinion. She could be the anti-Christ for all I know. But my wife won't stop until she's locked up. Is there a prize for a Nasty Woman award? This lady is worse than Clinton, I promise. She has yelled at her kids every day for 300 days straight. That's not an overshot either.

Anyway, this blog isn't about my neighbor. I just thought that would be fun to share.

I was just thinking about dieting and health today. Which I realize is an anomaly if you were to see me in person. I have this thing where I think about people congratulating me on losing weight a lot. I haven't lost any, it's just nice to think about what people would say if I did. I imagine people are nicer to skinny people than they are to fat ones.

Isn't it nice to think about how cool it would be if people were nice?

I was thinking about dieting today because I saw a picture of myself and wasn't sure that it was me. So that's not great. But that's what you get, I guess.

I have this weird thing with diet and weight loss. Mostly because I wrestled in high school. So I always equated losing weight to just running around with garbage sacks on and losing weight in an hour or so. One time I went to practice my senior year in all sweats, and I lost 11 pounds of water weight. That was wild as hell. I don't necessarily think that this wrestling mindset crippled me in any way, I think it actually made me realize that any weight loss goal is possible. If I can lose 11 pounds in 2 hours, people can accomplish their goals. Anyone can.

I just have been thinking about the super trendy diets recently. Not about starting them, because I'm not crazy. "All you have to do is put this patch on and only drink water and you'll lose weight!" I just think it's interesting that we're complicating such a simple equation. Stop eating so much and so much garbage + more exercise should = weight loss. At least that's how I think, and I am not a nutritionist nor a pinnacle of good health.

I just want to give a thumbs up to anyone who is on square one, or square 100 with any health goals. Or any goals at all. I think it's important for people to realize that almost everyone has body issues or things they wish they could change. But not everyone can afford to have elective surgery when they find something they want to improve. We all have to work for stuff. Which sucks, I like not doing stuff so much more. Not doing stuff is easily my most favorite hobby. Sitting down is my second favorite hobby. This really isn't conducive to helping anyone (or me) with health goals. I just think it's important for everyone to realize that exercising is stupid and hard. I realize that's cliche to knock on exercise. Fat folks everywhere love a good anti-exercise joke. (I know I do.)

In parting I want to give a few bullet points to sum this all up and tie it together and hopefully will give you all guidance for the days to come:

-Don't have neighbors.
-Don't give up on your goals, you can do it.
-Reward hard work with a lot of sitting.
-Don't take yogurt that isn't yours, you never know whose life you may have ruined.

This is your captain through the weird; Snakes. Signing off from Santaquin. God Bless. G'Night.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know.

I have high blood pressure.

Some of you read that and thought "Surprise." as you rolled your eyes and continued. Others maybe thought "I'm glad you're finally seeking out medical help/advice."

I guess finally realizing that being passionate, maybe borderline too passionate, has finally settled in that it's affecting my physical health. Years of pizza and garbage eating with little to no exercise has nothing to do with it, I assure you. I blame all my ailments on years of defending sports, artists, genre's and whatever else I wanted to be brassy and belligerent about.

I used to be so passionate and up tight that I failed to recognize that other people have an opinion on the matter, and perhaps even a valiant opinion. Instead I would walk into an argument with my eyes closed and swing my opinion around like hell, hoping that the sword of opinion cut as sharp and deep as the sword of fact. (We often grab the wrong sword to fight with.)

In retrospect I realized that I really didn't do any good by getting red in the face and arguing. That person isn't going to like 'screamo' any more because I threw a bunch of facts I hadn't really checked at them. (Maybe I should run for president?) I'm confident they didn't walk away and think "Wow. he had some really good points. Maybe I should reevaluate my musical taste and preference." In reality that person probably walked away and thought: "Wow. That guy is an asshole."

To anyone in high school who told me that 'screamo' sucked, and we got into an argument over it: Screw you. You're still wrong.

I have come to realize that maybe not having something to be upset about isn't necessarily a bad thing. I had thought for the last 6 months that maybe I was depressed; because I didn't care enough about things anymore. I wouldn't argue with strangers on the Internet about sports, I didn't have this feeling that the world was ending and that I was a 'fake fan' If I didn't watch every single baseball and football game, I just didn't have the desire to rub my fandom in the face of everyone anymore. For a while I thought that this was a bad thing, I have come to realize that it's really not. It mostly just means that I'm an adult now.

I was realizing this last night as I was watching the baseball game. For the last few years I have been very loud and had no problem telling people that my favorite teams had won world championships. And while I am still excited by those historic moments, I have come to realize one simple thing:



I referenced this in a blog earlier, but they don't hand out trophies or 5 million dollar championship rings to whomever is the best lifelong fan. So there is really no reason to be cramming it down people's throats.

On a similar note, they also don't hand out gifts to people who expressively hate other organizations. I will be the first to say that for the past 5 years my absolute disgust and disdain for the Los Angeles Dodgers organization FAR outweighed my love for the San Francisco Giants. I woke up and realized one day how backwards that was (And how it also might have been affecting my health *gulp*) and decided to let sleeping dogs lie. While I will still tell anyone who asks that I hate the Dodgers, Nationals, Panthers, Raiders, Packers, Yankees and so on, I have stopped letting my hatred for those dictate my sports fanatics.

The biggest realization I got here is this: Being a dick to an opposing team fan and/or berating them is not going to change their mind or their loyalty. It's not going to make them like the rivaling franchise any more. They won't stop and think "Wow. he had some great points. The Dodgers/Giants/whatever DO suck!" they're only gonna think:"Wow. That guy is an asshole."

Going around being a dick to people only makes you out to be the dick.

To fans of those organizations that I have argued, belittled or otherwise quarreled with: Screw you. I still hate every organization I always have. I just don't have the stamina to send you all a personal email insulting you.

To wrap this all up I want to put in a political plug. I think everyone should stop putting all their energy towards the candidate they hate, and rationalizing their own personal choice of candidate's actions. Both are terrible as hell. Put your energy into something you believe in and stop degrading others. While I understand that that is a tall order, I just think it's important for everyone to stay positive.

It might raise your blood pressure if you don't.

Lucky #8

I had a dream the other night, well, it was more like an evening nap kind of dream. I had fallen asleep while watching TV briefly. But in my dream I had this Magic 8 Ball and God was inside of it. If you ever needed an answer to a question, you would just ask God in the Magic 8 Ball and he would reply in various yes and no answers. You could ask him if your crushes liked you back, if the Giants were going to pull it together and make the playoffs, if there is oil wells in various parts of the land, anything! And he would never answer "Answer Unlcear, Try Again Later" it was always yes or no. 

I guess I just fantasize about how nice it would be to have the master of the Universe being toted around in myJansport backpack to be pulled out whenever you need an answer. I would never go wrong again and my life would be a dream. I would win a lot of money gambling, I'm sure.

I guess I just had this dream because it relates to my faith on a stupidly personal level. In regards to my own personal faith in religion, I really have had periods in my life where I viewed it as a Magic 8 Ball. I would have a concern or question and I would say a quick prayer that I would have the answer, in essence shaking the Magic 8 Ball. As I think about this I realize that I was probably asking the devil inside the Magic 8 Ball for guidance. There have been a fair amount of things I thought were good and right and they turned out to not be either of those things. In retrospect, billiards seems more like the devils game anyway. 

In the current climate of the world, I think it's become easier than ever to look away from our faith and rely on ourselves. I don't even want to lend specifically to faith in religion. I have seen people lose faith in everything. Which is really what makes the world livable. If you have faith that if you pay it forward it'll benefit someone, faith that karma will play her part, faith that circumstances can change and that PEOPLE can change. There are so many things to be hopeful about, and yet it's become so easy to be a skeptic. Which is a huge bummer.

My goal with saying all of this is that if you're struggling with faith in religion or just hope that things will get better, hang in there. There is always something on the horizon that you least expect. What you need will find you if you are willing to work for it. I'm not good at inspiration, but I wanted to take a break from my constant complaining and hopefully offer a little hope. Cause I've been there. I've been down roads that I thought would surely lead me to my all-deserving hell. Don't let Donald Trump win and ruin your outlook on life. Things will get better. 

If nothing else, keep shaking that 8 ball. Maybe God will shine through. Don't shake it too hard though, you'll create bubbles and wont see your answer. 

A Genie In A Bottle Babay

I often think about what it would be like to be rich.
I think that's what separates "Us" from "Them" because you know that they don't sit around and think about what it would be like to be poor. (Original thought on that was from Louis CK) But, honestly. In any aspect of life why would you think about how life would be if you were poorer.
This all lead me to think about what I would do with my wishes if I found a genie, and genies actually existed.
Here's me rapid firing whatever wish first pops into my head, if I had unlimited wishes for 2 minutes:

-That my wife never had to work again and that our house had a pool that the water temp was always 95 degrees.

-That the Dodgers make it to the first round of the playoffs every year and lose, from now until the end of forever.

-That I would find $500 cash on the ground every day for the rest of my life.

-That Donald Trump would die in a grease fire at the Trump Tower in Las Vegas.

-That I had a house without any neighbors and that my current neighbors got banished to the northern-most part of Canada forever.

-That I had my own meal service at my house every day and never had to cook again cause they can cook every delicacy.

-That I reestablished the Montreal Expos and owned them, and that I would have endless poutine in the owners box. Also that we had the Dodgers sized payroll to buy players.

-That eating pizza, fries and red meat made me lose weight.

-That being a dickhead to cashiers or waiters is punishable by a life sentence in federal prison.

-That driving while impaired, distracted or otherwise idiotically would result in a permanent rebuke of your license and driving privileges.

-That I owned an airline.

-That I owned Walmart.

-That all my relatives were stupidly successful in anything they pursued.

That should be two minutes worth. I could even rapid fire more when put on the spot. But, I feel like that gives a fair assessment of my priorities when it comes to wishes.

When I think about stumbling on a genie, I don't have very big plans to save the world. The last thing on my mind would be that Jews and Islamic people would get on a little better. I also wouldn't say: I don't need any wishes, I'm grateful for what I have and I have all that I need. Would anybody say that, really? I guess I fight with what I want and need, and the feeling that I should be grateful for what I have.

All these thoughts led me to this thought: What if it doesn't get any better than today? Honestly. What if for the rest of your life you looked back on today and thought: that was the best day of my life.

I think honestly for a good 99% of those who read this blog, that day wouldn't be that bad. I imagine you ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. Or at least you will. You probably have or will sleep in your own, comfortable bed. You probably have a place to call home, and if you don't there's a good chance your parents would put you up.

I mean honestly, if you never got to move to Hawaii, and you never got to build a time machine and go back in time and see shit, if you never got to stake your place in Mount Everest, You never opened your bank account and didn't cringe a little, if you never got a wardrobe the size of a house, and never got that record player that is made of gold, how sad would you really be? I log online and all I can see is "Like if you want to travel." Or "All I want in life is a Dog and 900000000000000G per year, is that too much to ask?" To which I say: "Kinda." If you're spending all that time thinking about what you don't have and what you want, are you even happy? Are you enjoying your life? Seriously, I mean that. If all you're doing is driving around and looking at cars and clothes and houses and diamonds and all you can think and say is: "I want that." how can you even stand to be alive? Honestly. How do you function? I don't mean that to say, don't have goals. What I mean is; can you not be grateful for what the hell you have? Cause I'm fairly sure that it's more than most have.

I try to write that tediously, because I think it's a double edged sword. I think too often people say "You're an American, you shouldn't want anything!" but at the same time we shout back "I can if I want to!" I don't mean it to come across that you should never want anything. I mean it to come across as maybe you should have a little more tact and grace. You should look around and be thankful for what you have once in a while.

I guess what I'm truly getting at is that things really aren't that bad. Sure, you think of things that you want, things you need, and things you would get if you stumbled on a fair amount of money. I have those too. I really break them up into a couple groups; Needs, achievable wants, and pipe dreams. And to be totally honest my pipe dream list is the longest one. The house I have drawn up in my head in the event I strike oil makes very little sense, it's essentially Smart House from the Disney Channel Original Movie 'Smart House' (Before she goes nuts and takes human form) mashed up with the kids house on Blank Check. If you don't understand these references I encourage you to look into them, you will be enlightened and your goals will expand greatly.

I guess if things never got better from here (And judging by our Presidential candidates, there is a good chance that they will not.) I really wouldn't be all that sad. I mean, absolutely there are ways I am going to make things better in my life. But when I take a step back and really evaluate my life and where I am at; there is a ton more to be grateful than to be longing for. That's something I, and seemingly everyone, needs to do is realize that life is alright where you're at. Go get whatever you want. But don't let your goals turn into greed and consume you. You can make a lot of things happen and do a lot of good where you are.

Be ambitious, but don't be an asshole.

Oh, and if you stumble on a genie, will you do me a favor? Ask that he grant me three wishes as one of your wishes (I'll return the favor)