Peter Jackson Is A Murderer. Of Entertainment.

I want to start by saying that there is a couple of blogs that have started over the past couple of weeks that I encourage you to check out. http://talesofabandit.blogspot.com is a dear friend of mine who has remarkable talent, and fantastic ideas. If you are looking for a cynical look at your world, look no further. http://bewareofhooks10.blogspot.com Another dear friend who has great thoughts on pretty much anything. definitely worth your time. Finally, http://rageandfurytheory.blogspot.com is one of my very best friends. He has alot of great critiques of films, and is far better at doing that than i or anyone else am. Plus, he is arguably the funniest person I know. Go check those blogs out, you wont be disappointed. Onward though,  This will probably never reach the ears of Peter Jackson, but if it did, I have a thing or two to say to that jerk. I would start by telling him that he makes great movies, but that he is an asshole. The Lord Of The Rings trilogy were great movies. I love them so much. So when The Hobbit rolled into town, I was comparably excited as a 12 year old girl waiting in line for a Justin Bieber concert. I even went to the midnight showing of it, because that's how awesome I am. My excitement was halted long before the movie was over. You know why? Because one book was made into three movies. There was an insurmountable amount of nothing going on in the movie. Even more than what has been going on over Christmas break. I thought we could have drawn the line after the final Twilight book was split into two movies. But no. Why don't we make three MORE movies about people walking around? As much as I loved the trilogy, can you imagine what would have happened had they split each book into three films? You would have been able to see the grass and plants grow in each film, because that's how much nothing that would be going on. Consequently, that is exactly what happened during The Hobbit. Granted, I would probably watch it again. But there were parts in the movie, where I actually felt my beard grow. A substantial amount, I might add. So many things were drawn out and dramatically unnecessary. So as I was thinking of why Peter Jackson decided to do us all an UN-favor of making one book three movies, it occurred to me. He is just looking for another big paycheck. As if he didn't already make millions upon millions from the trilogy, he is going to do it again with The Hobbit, or so he hopes. The problem is, he is trying to polish a turd here. How many beautiful landscape shots can he have in one film before I start to feel like I am watching Planet Earth? The answer, is not too many more. Nobody wants to pay money to watch nothing. If I wanted to watch nature, I would go on a hike. I go to movies to see illicit romances fabricated from nothing to help me realize what a bunch of dickholes men are,
(Why can't they all be like Ryan Gosling????? Boys need to be more romanticcccc!!!) and peoples heads get cut off by rusty orc swords, and snakes on planes. I think that Mr. Jackson should have thought through his game plan before he dove headfirst into the shallow end here. So Peter, you dunce, do us all a favor and look long and hard at yourself in the mirror, and then stomp on your own toe for the wrong you've committed. You have basically killed the unicorn of the film industry. Dick.

Christmas Wishes

I usually don't write unless I am really inspired by something. Christmas is anything but inspirational for me, but enough to where I think it is worth writing a piece on. First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and your's a Merry Christmas. You filthy animals. If there is nothing else good about Christmas, at least it is a chance for you to get together with your loved ones. And hated ones if you have in-laws, or weird cousins or whatever. I think that it is at least a good excuse to sit around and stuff your face for days on end. 

Moving on though, Santa Clause is a stupid idea. Whoever thought it was a good idea, deserves to be left out in the cold. Naked. Lets look at this, it's a way to push off the bad present ideas you have onto someone imaginary, and let him also take all the credit for the good ideas you have. Basically, it's a way to make your children not love you, or hate you. The truth is, it doesn't even end with Christmas. We have fake people for every holiday to take the blame, good or bad, except birthdays. Why? I feel like there was some coward somewhere along the lines that had horrible children and didn't want them to hate him cause he was un-imaginitve, so he made up this story about Santa. Its garbage. All of it. Cause not only do they have the Santa ace up their sleeve, they can turn around and blame it on the kids. "Oh, you didn't get the drum set you wanted? You must've been a little shit. All year. Better luck next year!" So, depending on how you look at it, whoever invented Santa was a genius, or an idiot. I personally think people should take a little more responsibility. If you buy your kid something they didn't want, take the heat! Anyway, i feel like I am going in circles. I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. I don't mean to get soft, but enjoy the time with your families this holiday season. If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, write Santa hate mail. Or, I have a plan to knock over the North Pole. It's a win win win. I get all the presents, and I get to take the elves hostage and start a business free of charge. So, while I am playing with Hot Wheels, the elves are bringing me hot chocolate and cookies. All. Day. And I don't have to have kids because of it. Foolproof. So, Have a good Christmas one and all. Here is my Christmas card from this year also.

All My Love,

King Jake

Mario Is A Dim Wit.

I want to start by clearing some things up. I have totally kissed a girl before. I re-read my last post, and that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it didn't come across that way. It made me seem like I was king of the faggots rather than King of America. So, that record is straight, I King Jake have kissed a girl before. I have been thinking alot about the whole kissing a girl thing in light other than trying to not make myself sound like a homosexual on the Internet. I realized that men will go to great lengths for a woman. It's almost disturbing at times the measures that are taken. I guess you could say that it hit me while I was playing Super Mario Bros 3 on the NES. By the way, I don't think I can be any more creative with my swears than when I am playing that cursed game. In any case, here is this lowly plumber, just doing his job, then ends up chasing the princess to 8 different worlds. While on shrooms. Now, it might make sense to Mario to do such a thing, but to me, there is not a chance in hell. Seriously. Like, I might come save a woman if she has locked herself in the bathroom, or if she fell down the stairs, but if some guy that loosely resembled a turtle busted into the house, grabbed a woman I had the hots for, and teleported out to God knows where, I would probably exclaim, "Well, that was unexpected." and go back to my business. You know what else I would do? Go to my plumbing job the next day. There is no logical reason I should chase you through that portal and try to save you. Especially not to 8 worlds I have never seen, nor visited. Have you seen some of the crap that poor Italian runs into? One second he is on the ground, and these bugs and turtles attack him, the next second he is in the sky and there is flying turtles, which doesn't make sense, then he is in some castle with ghosts and turtles that come back to life, then he is on a boat that shoots cannons that chase you. It sounds like a freaking nightmare, not heroic. Lets level though, Mario in some weird way has 4 lives to begin with. He is like a cat of sorts. But, if one of these flying turtles runs into him and he falls to his death, he can come back. I, however, do not have that same luxury. If I fall to my death, I'm 100% dead forever.

So, while I am trying to help Mario on his quest to win the girl, I cant help but think, you know how this could have been avoided? 2 things. A. Never fall in love with someone. B. If someone you love gets taken into an alternate universe, just let it go. If Mario had gone back to work the next day, it might have made a bad story, but it would have made alot more sense. I realize people are going to read this and think, "Wow. How un-romantic of King Jake. He wouldn't chase the woman he loves into oblivion, die a billion times, fight a dragon and turtles, and have to listen to some moron with a mushroom hat. He is a typical man, and a total loser." And you know what my response is to that? You're damn straight. While I would punch a stranger square in the face for a woman, I am completely unprepared to battle the super natural. I think the key to this story, is that there are plenty of fish in the sea. If one gets abducted, there is another one out there. I do realize that peach wasn't any fish, but more like the silver tuna. She was a princess, after all. I mean, Mario could probably retire and not have to fix pipes anymore cause he married into a fortune. Still, I don't find it worth chasing. I think I can draw two conclusions from all of this. The first, women shouldn't expect me or any man to chase you into unseen worlds. That crap only happens in video games. The likelihood of you getting abducted by the supernatural, is non-existent. The likelihood of me chasing after you if by some chance you do, is probably less existent. The second, I think I am going to become a plumber. Not because I want to increase the chances of me having to fight things in alternate worlds, more because Mario got a princess to fall in love with him. I don't conclude that it's his looks either. He is short and fat, and has a mustache. Which I think is nice, but to a princess? No way. I think it's his job. Women must like plumbers. So, until I am elected, I'll be sweeping princesses off their feet with my plumbing occupation. King Jake's plumbing service. Service fit for a King!

If it were up to me, I would watch the world burn. I would be burning too.

It's now December 15th. If you count correctly, it's only 6 days until the alleged end of the world. I thought the world would be in a state of more panic than I find it to be in. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Truthfully, I wasn't really worried about the end of the world. Not in the last 5 years anyway. I do recall being in 7th grade lying on my couch panicking about the end of the world. I remember thinking that the date was far too soon, and there was so much to accomplish before then. I needed to kiss a girl, have a kid, be in a metal band, appear in a movie, beat Super Mario Bros 3, throw things off a building, make everyone jealous, fly a plane, drive a car, grow a beard, commandeer a boat, spend money on lavish living, and win a fight. In retrospect, I have done most of the things on this list. Except kiss a girl. I'm still waiting for that to come my way. So, what I guess I'm getting at, is that I would be okay if the world ended. That isn't to say that I feel that way because I have checked off my list of things to do either. In fact, I would probably be more sad if it didn't end. I could probably die not kissing a girl and be okay with it. I don't think it would be so good that it would be worth hanging around this world longer for anyway. The sad truth behind it, is that I'm more afraid of the world we are heading towards than actually dying. I would be happier perishing in a horrible fire, getting trapped under a gas truck and dying slowly, or God forbid getting attacked by ravenous tweens that not only devour your flesh, but criticize you while doing it, than live any longer in this world. If the last words I hear before meeting my maker is "Oh my gawd! It is effing impossible to pick out the hair and fat and actually get meat from this loser!" I would probably die with a smile. A pain driven smile. I don't mean to portray that I am suicidal by any means. What I mean to say, is that we live in a really terrible place anymore. I have a hard time thinking that any day is worth getting out of bed for. There are so few people that I care to see, and so little chance of me actually seeing them, that it's hard to convince me to leave a bed that loves me unconditionally. There are too many tragedies and calamities that happen worldwide everyday, and not to mention the party fouls of everyone I see regularly that make me think we are headed in the right direction. Or any direction but a furnace-y hell. In a way, I used to view the future as very bright. I used to think of flying cars, transportation by portals, space suits, meals in a pill, lightsabers, robots, and everything else futuristic. Now, I have a hard time thinking of it being any kind of luxury. I tend to think it's something more like, boarding your windows, keeping a heavy stock of ammunition, non-perishable food items, liquor, and not letting people out during the day. The future looks more and more like a zombie apocalypse than a future. The only difference being we aren't hiding from zombies, we're hiding from our animalistic neighbors. Which, I already do. My windows are just not boarded yet. If things don't start taking a turn for the better, we are going to have alot of problems on our hands. Change. We need real change. I'm King Jake, and I am ready to start the revolution.

Socially, I Ride The Short Bus.

I often wonder if I am the only one who completely mis-understands the concept behind social cues. It may have everything to do the fact that I hate everyone, but if it were up to me to save the world by reading social cues, we would all be dead. I have a hard time telling whether a hand shake or a hug is more appropriate. I usually end up giving business associates hugs, best friends kisses on cheeks, and girls I have crushes on sturdy handshakes. I guess my business associates think I'm a little personal, my friends think I'm gay, and so do the girls I like. Maybe I just need to sit down and straighten things out, but I don't think that even being on MTV's Guy Code could save me. I have had more conversations with my friends, little sister, and mom about reading social cues from people than I care to mention. "Hey, if she sends me a winky face, that means she's probably in love with me, right?" The more I think about that, the more I come to terms with it. The real reason behind it, is that I have walked across college campus, and I have done alot of people watching. For example, I have had more people approach me while I am wearing headphones and try to strike up a conversation with me, than when I am walking without them. Exponentially more people. What I don't understand, is what they are thinking. If you see someone wearing headphones, the likelihood of them hearing you, is incredibly low. The likelihood of them wanting to talk to you, is even lower. And the likelihood that they want to take out their headphones to talk to you, is non-existent. Yet, people still approach me, and seem to not understand the said concept. What boggles me further, is that I am positive they can hear my music. Everywhere I travel, it's like a metal concert on my head. If you get within a 5 foot perimeter of me, you can hear what I am listening to. Quite clearly, at that. I think if you read this and try to approach me in public after, I will probably punch you in the ear. As socially retarded as I am, I still understand alot more than most people. I can still look at people and think, what the hell is the matter with you? It happens more than it ever should. So, I have compiled a list of things that you should probably do, and never do. Especially if you ever get invited to the palace during King Jakes reign.

1. Bring people who aren't invited to things you didn't organize, or otherwise had a hand in. Especially if it's a she.
2. Don't bring your girlfriend to manly things. While we all want your girlfriend to be liked, if I have to explain why the WWE is awesome one more time to an ignorant woman, I might have a panic attack.
3. Don't approach people who are frowning or otherwise look morose. While we all want to be the day saver, the chances of that actually happening are slim.
4. If you have a crush on someone and want to date them, tell them. Too often (myself included) we hide behind our social medias, and cell phones. Liking everything someone posts on Facebook or Twitter doesn't send a message that you like them. It's kind of like waiting outside their house to say hi to them every morning. It's a little weird.
5. If someone is mean to you, it's probably not playful banter, they probably generally dislike you as a person.
6. Shower, brush your teeth, apply copious amounts of deodorant, and if possible wear cologne or perfume.
And finally, 7. Look in the mirror before you leave. If you might be mistaken as a homeless person, you may consider changing.

While these are only the rules i think should be applied to society, you should probably follow them now. Cause they will be mandatory in the future. I could go on and on about this subject. And how much I HATE it. But, that would be too much like beating a dead horse. We all get it, yet we all act as if we are paralyzed from the neck up.