Mario Is A Dim Wit.

I want to start by clearing some things up. I have totally kissed a girl before. I re-read my last post, and that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it didn't come across that way. It made me seem like I was king of the faggots rather than King of America. So, that record is straight, I King Jake have kissed a girl before. I have been thinking alot about the whole kissing a girl thing in light other than trying to not make myself sound like a homosexual on the Internet. I realized that men will go to great lengths for a woman. It's almost disturbing at times the measures that are taken. I guess you could say that it hit me while I was playing Super Mario Bros 3 on the NES. By the way, I don't think I can be any more creative with my swears than when I am playing that cursed game. In any case, here is this lowly plumber, just doing his job, then ends up chasing the princess to 8 different worlds. While on shrooms. Now, it might make sense to Mario to do such a thing, but to me, there is not a chance in hell. Seriously. Like, I might come save a woman if she has locked herself in the bathroom, or if she fell down the stairs, but if some guy that loosely resembled a turtle busted into the house, grabbed a woman I had the hots for, and teleported out to God knows where, I would probably exclaim, "Well, that was unexpected." and go back to my business. You know what else I would do? Go to my plumbing job the next day. There is no logical reason I should chase you through that portal and try to save you. Especially not to 8 worlds I have never seen, nor visited. Have you seen some of the crap that poor Italian runs into? One second he is on the ground, and these bugs and turtles attack him, the next second he is in the sky and there is flying turtles, which doesn't make sense, then he is in some castle with ghosts and turtles that come back to life, then he is on a boat that shoots cannons that chase you. It sounds like a freaking nightmare, not heroic. Lets level though, Mario in some weird way has 4 lives to begin with. He is like a cat of sorts. But, if one of these flying turtles runs into him and he falls to his death, he can come back. I, however, do not have that same luxury. If I fall to my death, I'm 100% dead forever.

So, while I am trying to help Mario on his quest to win the girl, I cant help but think, you know how this could have been avoided? 2 things. A. Never fall in love with someone. B. If someone you love gets taken into an alternate universe, just let it go. If Mario had gone back to work the next day, it might have made a bad story, but it would have made alot more sense. I realize people are going to read this and think, "Wow. How un-romantic of King Jake. He wouldn't chase the woman he loves into oblivion, die a billion times, fight a dragon and turtles, and have to listen to some moron with a mushroom hat. He is a typical man, and a total loser." And you know what my response is to that? You're damn straight. While I would punch a stranger square in the face for a woman, I am completely unprepared to battle the super natural. I think the key to this story, is that there are plenty of fish in the sea. If one gets abducted, there is another one out there. I do realize that peach wasn't any fish, but more like the silver tuna. She was a princess, after all. I mean, Mario could probably retire and not have to fix pipes anymore cause he married into a fortune. Still, I don't find it worth chasing. I think I can draw two conclusions from all of this. The first, women shouldn't expect me or any man to chase you into unseen worlds. That crap only happens in video games. The likelihood of you getting abducted by the supernatural, is non-existent. The likelihood of me chasing after you if by some chance you do, is probably less existent. The second, I think I am going to become a plumber. Not because I want to increase the chances of me having to fight things in alternate worlds, more because Mario got a princess to fall in love with him. I don't conclude that it's his looks either. He is short and fat, and has a mustache. Which I think is nice, but to a princess? No way. I think it's his job. Women must like plumbers. So, until I am elected, I'll be sweeping princesses off their feet with my plumbing occupation. King Jake's plumbing service. Service fit for a King!