Women's Fashion Tips From A Man Who Wears Shorts Year Round.

I know alot of weird facts, and can tell you all kinds of stuff about the world, and metal music that is all around unimportant. Truth be told, I could probably not tell you what is fashionable, and what it not. Especially when it comes to women's fashion, because there is no way I can keep up with it. Nor do I have any interest in doing so. It's not to say that I think women should not look nice, or that their fashion is inferior to men's. It's that women's fashion these days, is so outrageously heinous, it seriously makes me question the sanity, and integrity of not only those who sport such a thing, but more-so of those who have created it. I reflect back to the early 2000's. I was younger in those days, and far less intellectual as I am now. Even then, I looked at things like selling pants with pre-sprayed paint splatter on them, and wondered what the hell was going on. People are paying $50 or more for pants with tears and paint on them... Really? That was merely the beginning of the end. I think one of the reasons that I hated this revolution of clothing, is due to the fact that I adore 90's dress styles. If I could wear acid washed jeans, hockey jersey's and backwards snap backs every day of the week, you know I would. Unfortunately, people think that I am making a funny when I do it. The fact is, I think it looks alot nicer than what is going on in this day and age. Too often I look around and seriously either question my existence, or people's sanity. I think more especially in women, because that is who I am looking at and scrutinizing closest. So, as a way to help people fully understand, I am going to give a few tips that women should seriously consider when dressing themselves. If you disagree with any of these, oh well. I will premise this with the fact that I think that these rules do not apply to mom's, married or pregnant women. At that point in your life, there is only one person left to impress. So just worry about that.
1st, red lipstick. This was common back in the early 90's, and I should, by all rights be a fan. I am not, however. I think that the almighty Taylor Swift is to blame. Her recent album release has ruined us all. It shows her on the very cover sporting the gawdy colored lipstick. Just like every other fashion sense, we all rely on a celebrity to tell us what is nice looking, and what is not. Unfortunately, Miss Swift, you are wrong on this one. Red lipstick does not make you look like you hail from the 50's. It makes you look like you hail from the Ringling brothers circus. Clowns, is what I am referring to. They have cornered the market on red lipstick, and continue to, to this very day. So, in the morning if you look in the mirror and think that red lipstick is a great idea, you may consider wearing bright colors, giant shoes, and a rainbow wig as well.
2nd, leggings. I realize that these were originally designed to be worn underneath skirts and dresses for some reason. It's like someones nylons were too short, but they wore them anyway, and it caught fire. They don't look too bad if you wear them as they were originally used for, underneath something. However, If you wear them in the stead of pants, there is something amiss. These were not designed to overtake the original usage of pants. They are far too revealing, and make you look like you were too lazy to even put sweats on. I can even put sweats on for heavens sake! The way I see it, is if you are allowed to wear leggings as an excuse for pants, I am allowed to have pants painted onto my naked body rather than wearing pants. Then you wonder why people are staring at you...
3rd, animal prints. For some reason, this has become increasingly popular. I feel like it's because we watched 101 Dalmatians too many times growing up. I doubt that any of us as kids wanted to grow up to be Cruella De Ville. But, the fact of the matter is, more people grew up to fill her shoes rather than one of the Dalmatians. Overall, you know what animal print looks good on? Animals. You know what I would find weird? What if animals started wearing human print? They would look ridiculous. 100% ridiculous. Just the same as people do wearing cheetah, leopard and zebra print. Maniacs.

I think that I have gotten myself in enough hot water for one day. I think overall, this can turn into a great business opportunity for me. I am going to start a jean clothing line that we make jeans, and have homeless people wear them for a month or two. Then we give them a new pair, and the used pair we wash, and sell at a very steep price. I can then prey on peoples stupidity in more ways than one. I can prey on their undeniably horrible taste for fashion, and I can prey on people who want to think they are doing something for the community. It's a win win win. For me. Cause I get rich. The other thing, is to combat the bad clothing epidemic, I was considering making King Jake shirts. I need to get a hefty push behind it to actually happen. They would be pretty sweet, and totally worth wearing. Contact me somehow and let me know. Smooches.