I haven't been in a position where I was capable of showing public displays of affection in years. Aside from maybe the occasional slap on the ass during a basketball game to my friends. But, that is hardly poignant to where I am taking this notion. I think that alot of the reason behind why I, and most people, are so bitter is because other people are in a relationship, and we are not. Truth be told, I hate other peoples love so much. I hate seeing other people enjoying their love lives. Their stupid kisses, their dumb hand holds, the gross monotonously long hugs, the stupid nicknames, the tickling, the snuggling, seriously, I could go on for eons this way. I kind of view myself as The Grinch, but not of Christmas, of love. I stand on my figurative mountain looking down on all these chuckleheads, brooding. If there were a way for me to come down from my mountain and steal all the spirit of love that infests this fair city, you bet your sweet ass I would do it. I wouldn't leave crumbs for mice, or hooks and wires on the walls though. I would take the wallpaper, the grout between the bricks, and even the weather stripping around your door. I would leave everything so damn devastated, it would take a Christmas miracle for you to even dream of having the spirit of love in your life again. I wouldn't have a stupid dog with fake antlers on his head either. It would be a bear, with rhino horns, and octopus tentacles, and a scorpion tail, and giant eagle wings, and he breathes fire between his Saber tooth teeth and mammoth trunk. After I pillage the houses, he sets them on fire. It would be so awesome. Unfortunately, I don't live in the mountains, yet. And I am still working on breeding this animal. We have some prototypes, but nothing significant. And since I have yet to accomplish all of these things, I feel it necessary that I should straighten you out with my vicious words. I hope you are ashamed of yourselves, because you are getting relationship advice from me. It's like taking beauty advice from Sam Cassel or Chris Cayman, it's just not how its supposed to work. So, here are some tips to make the rest of the public community more comfortable.
We know that you two being in love means the world to the both of you. The problem is, no one else gives a shit. Except maybe your parents and family. We don't really care how you met, or what your plans are, or when the date is. people ask these things to be polite. We don't really care. So please don't act like everyone should care.
If you continuously post things on Facebook about how much you love someone, or what they did for you, or how amazing they are, assume that we all hate you for it. I feel like once you post that you are in a relationship with them, that shows enough about how you guys like each other. Maybe even put a cute picture of the two of you for your profile picture. Anything more than this, is overkill. and I hate you for it, and you will be the first on my list to ride my animal into town and wreck.
Keep at least some space between the two of you in public. Especially between your middles. It's really uncomfortable for everyone else to be watching you two fondle each other in public. It's not precious, or cute, or funny. It's horrific. If we wanted to watch porn, we would do it on our own terms. And we wouldn't be doing it in the library, or restaurant or wherever we are. There are certain things that should be done behind closed doors. Porn, and the showing/touching of others of flesh falls in that category. Please keep it this way.
I think there are plenty of other things I can say about PDA. And they should be well received. But, these things are some of my biggest bothers as a single man. Please don't fuel my bitter fire, because I am confident I am not alone in these notions. I'm not saying you should act like strangers in public. Hold hands, talk, laugh, whatever. But, you don't have to act like animals in heat. It's weird.
On a side note, I am going to be on a local radio show to promote this blog. I am really excited about it. I hope that all of you will tune into 89.9 FM next Monday (February 4th) at 8 P.M. to hear your boy yammer on about more nothing. Thanks for the support, it doesn't go un-noticed. Shirts are coming soon. Get excited for that too.
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