It's hard to write content.

I recently came across the saying "Being happy is a choice." I always felt like that was bullshit. I felt like happiness often depends on your environment. It depends on the people who are around, and inside your life. It depends on the amount of stress in your life. It depends, it depends, it depends... For a vast majority of my life I have been living it not necessarily for others, but more for others approval. I have always done things that will make my parents proud. That my friends would approve of and enjoy. What strangers and people I don't care about would laugh at or find amusing. I was so consumed in myself, that I was willing to do things that make me unhappy for the satisfaction of others. Which I always thought was a selfless thing. I always felt a sense of entitlement because I was so "selfless".
I was so drawn out on others approval, that I couldn't make simple day to day decisions. When asked where I would like to eat, or what movie I would like to see I would always answer "I don't care. Whatever you want to do." Because I was willing to sit through an awful movie, or eat unsatisfactory food if it made this other person happy. I always felt in my heart that this was a good thing to be doing. This was something that is very rare in the world. And now that I am saying this out loud, I realize how crazy that is.
When people ask me what I like to do for fun, I always draw a blank. I don't know what I like to do. I like to do whatever my friends like to do. Play Xbox, cards, watch movies, road trip, gamble, anything my friends are doing, that's what I like to do. Which makes me sound like I don't have a personality. I know of a few things that I love to do; Eat. Sleep. Listen to music. Above all, I know for sure that I love to do these things. But I don't know of any hobbies. And that much is sad.
See, I always felt like in order to be happy, a set amount of things has to happen. Regardless of what they may be. I got in a fight at a concert a while back, and I was happy for a long time after that. It was like finally closing the door on that point of my life. Or eating a delicious meal in San Francisco made me very happy. Too often I rest my happiness contingently on events that are far out of my control. I could go to several concerts, and may not meet an enemy of mine in the pit. I could go back to the same restaurant in San Francisco and it may not be as good. I feel like this is a fault line of mine, and where this "Happiness is a choice" can come into play.
If you are like me and dwell on bizarre events of the day, and either let them make you or destroy you, there is a lot to be said about choosing to be happy. See in my simple opinion, You can dwell on the things that make you unhappy, or things that make you happy. You can focus on the hardships in your life, or the things that make your life awesome. In essence, happiness IS a choice.
Laying aside all the events that make you unhappy, and things that are beyond your control, I have learned one valuable lesson. When you run into seemingly unbearable hardships, which we all do, how you deal with it is totally up to you. I have learned that the depth of your mourning and sorrow is totally upon your head. If you do like I have been doing for the past several months, you may never get over it. If you lock yourself in a dark room alone for several hours, if you listen to sad music for extended periods of time, if you watch movies that play on your sad emotions, if you never make an effort to get better, you never will. I feel like hiding under the covers or ignoring the monster under your bed wont make him go away. However, getting out of bed and walking to where he cant follow you might.
I guess what I am getting at is, don't be a bitch like I was (am). Don't mope around your house for days on end. Don't listen to sad sack music so much that you can repeat every depressing detail about the song. Don't shut your friends and family out when you need them the most. Don't get hung up on something that is beyond your control. And most of all, don't let it consume and change you. Get up. Get out. Get better.
I am in no way a motivational speaker. But I have had this on my mind a lot recently. And it is my deepest wish that no one has to fight the same fights that I have, in the same depressed way that I have. I just wanted to put this out there. You can love it or hate it. I don't care anymore.