You Would Probably Screw Everyone's Life Up If Given The Opportunity To Time Travel.

I always see time travel movies and wonder about time travel. Like, I am probably beating a dead horse when I say I think about going back in time and changing things. I think that everyone probably always talks about such things. Like, Man I wish I could go back in time and I would have said this to this person and they would have broken up with this other person then this little bastard would not have been born, and then my life would be substantially better. But, I don't really know exactly what I would change if I could go back in time. I would like to think that I would change something that I said or did to hurt or offend someone, but I really don't care about all that. I think I would go back in time and tell my three year old self to take my clothes off more. Because honestly, little kids get away with public nudity because its "cute" but, when I am nude in public I get arrested. I would just tell myself that people love it when I am naked. So, do it as much as you can. And my mom would have alot of gray hairs today. I think I would also go back and make sure that I recorded all the wrestling matches I watched on VHS and kept them in my tote. Cause seriously, what I wouldn't give to open that tote to find wrestling matches. All that is in there is a maze ball thing, an unfinished model car, old worthless baseball cards, some fake tools, and other things not cool. And I would not have let my cousin borrow my Sting wrestling doll that screamed when you body slammed it. That would save alot of spilled tears. I think I would just ensure that I turned out as weird, and great as I have. 

I also ponder about going forward in time. I have alot more reservations about going forward in time. Cause I would really rather not F everything up. I feel like I would like accidentally run into the wrong person and then they would do something about it, and I would then be a national fugitive of sorts. However, I would love to go talk to 40 year old me, and have a nice half hour chat. I would see who I marry, just to be sure that's acceptable to 22 year old me. I would also ask about his job, and then make sure that is also what 22 year old me wants. And I would see what paths I need to take to make things better for future me. Can you imagine that though? Like, what if 13 year old me came walking in the door just now? Wouldn't that be a trip? I would call 13 year old me fat. And tell him to stop swimming with a shirt on. And to take off those damn puka shells, and turn off the 50 Cent and Ludacris. Maybe then 13 year old me would get ripped rather than continuing to get fat. And I would be a cooler 13 year old. I wonder if 40 year old me would say similar things though. Maybe he will call me fat. And tell me to stop wearing wrestling shirts. And to keep listening to bad ass music. I feel like 40 year old me and 22 year old me would get along famously though. Like, turn on Monday Night Raw and have a Coke while we talk about smut, and how we dated the same girls. That would be such a trip. I would be willing to wager that 40 year old me still has a beard and watches wrestling. Unless his wife sucks. But, I would never let that happen to me. 

I just think time travel is such an interesting concept. I think overall, it would freak everyone out. I would scream like a rape victim if a younger me showed up, just the same as adult me would scream if I walked into his house. I think more often than not, I fantasize about time travel and the idea of it, because its an opt to make your life perfect. We are so consumed in the idea of perfection. Everyone wants things to be better, and we are consistently working towards that. I think I, of all people will refuse to stop attempting to make things better, no matter how good I think they are. While I don't know that that is a bad thing, I also am not so sure that it's a good thing. I think as long as we hold discontent with where we are, we will never feel okay. Which is something I have been thinking alot about. The whole idea of enjoying the journey, is nonsense to me. If you aren't progressing, you're regressing. So, in an effort to tie all of these loose ends I have created up, here's what I think. I think we can always be grateful for where we are, what we have, and the lessons we learn. But we can always be working for a greater purpose. This wasn't meant to be inspiring or motivational, It's just what I have been thinking alot about. And what I think about, I write about. So, stop dreaming of a time traveling machine, or a cure all for all your screw ups. Cause there is never going to be such a thing. The only person that can fix your screwed up life, is you.

False Advertising Really Grinds My Gears.

Have you ever noticed how most advertisements are false advertisements? I mean, that's not to say that all advertisements should be taken down for giving out false or misleading information. It is to say that most advertisements advertise only a portion of the truth. Have you ever watched a beer commercial? I have. They are usually about some happy half naked woman on a beach enjoying a nice Corona. 

As a man, I watch this and think about how nice it would be to walk up to someone like this, and purchase them a $3 beer, and then see where the night (or day. Whatever.) takes us. What they don't show, is that only girls that are overweight and missing teeth are the ones that drink Corona. The hot half naked women drink fruity drinks that cost near $10 for an ounce of alcohol. Which means you are going to half to purchase upwards of five of these drinks (that's $50 dollars on her alone for you math illiterates) in order to get this woman into a state of mind in which she is willing to make poor decisions with someone as unfortunate looking as you. 

They also don't show that women never take it slow, and usually end up puking in their purse, passing out, or other things that are entirely unbecoming of a woman. (That's why it's called white girl wasted. Cause more often than not, they can't handle their shit.) But, right then and there, it's a nice thought of walking up to a woman and purchasing her a bottle of carbonated goat piss, in which you squeeze a lime into, and you walk (Or stagger) into the sunset happily ever after. Until everyone sobers up. 

The other day I was driving and I saw a billboard for Goodwill. On this billboard there was a happy young woman that was wearing clothes that looked genuinely new. The sign said something about wearing it well, I don't remember. I do remember looking at this and thinking "No. No. No. No." First of all, the only time attractive women enter a second hand store, is either to find a costume, sweater or something else stupid in order to accommodate Christmas cards or something else stupid that women do. What they should have advertised on this billboard, was a kid with a mullet. He should be wearing a stained hockey jersey. Acid washed jeans that have a lot of holes in them, and construction boots. He should be missing one or two teeth, and the remaining teeth should be the color of yellow construction paper. The billboard should say "Because mom and dad had me out of wed lock, and can't afford anything else. Use a condom for the love of everything sacred." That would be the kind of person that shops at Goodwill for school clothes. Not joke clothes.

I saw a Dr. Pepper commercial recently that actually tickled my fancy. It was some guy that was out in the woods. It followed him through some daily activities such as eating bark, fighting bearing, canoeing and fishing etc. Should be right up my alley, right? Well, here's the thing. Its advertised for Dr. Pepper. Why don't they just do it for a tampon commercial? You can try and make Dr. Pepper as manly as possible. However, it will never change the fact that it is a bitch drink. Why don't they try and make diet coke manly? Oh, because they cant. We can't put Jeffrey Dahmer on Blues Clues now can we? No. Because it's contradicting. I'm sorry for every man that is out there drinking Dr. Pepper right now. Dump it out and get a Coke, or a beer that is dark, thick and disgusting. Then you can feel manly again. 

I think that we are all consumed in the thought of things being better than they actually are. At the end of the day, most things suck. I'm sorry to be the one to say that. Forgive me for being a downer. Things aren't always as they seem.

*COUGH* BULLSHIT!

So, that's it. That's the end of the blog. However, I am well aware that it is currently summer. And most people are running into walls as far as music goes. So, I wanted to just put up a little piece at the end here to let you know what I have been enjoying, and you can look into it if you so desire. Just a little public service. These aren't all brand new CD's, but they are what I have been listening to while driving a truck for 8 hours a day. And they keep me entertained. So, Take them or leave them. I don't care.

The Wonder Years - The Greatest Generation. I would be a liar if I said I have listened to the entirety of this CD more than three or four times. The reason being, I get caught up on songs that are so damn catchy and/or fitting for my life, that I listen to them over and over. The lyrics are honest, the music is punky. It's just a good CD. Be sure to check it out. Especially if you like catchy songs that relate directly to your life.

The Story So Far - What You Don't See. If you follow me on Twitter you'll know I have yet to shut up about these guys. But, I can't help myself. In the first 6 weeks of owning this CD, I had listened to the entire thing over 90 times. Which is absurd. But, I have yet to tire of it. It's solid pop punk that is so relateable to anyone who is struggling in life or a relationship. You'll find yourself singing right along with tears in your eyes. I have done it alot. 

Underoath - Define The Great Line. This is some of my favorite harsh/clean vocal duos in the scene. This CD is perfect if you are feeling lost as far as religion, life, or anything really. It seems to paint the picture for those struggling. Make sure and look up the lyrics and read along. It will mean alot to you.

We Came As Romans - Understanding What We've Grown To Be. This is my baby. I have listened to WCAR since they only had the Dreams EP out. I preordered their first full length the day it went on sale. So, I am always finding myself turning back to them. This CD is perfect for those (Like Underoath) who are lost. It doesn't deal so much with God, but about the world around us. And trying to understand things. This CD has put into words what I can't always express. It also holds one of the two songs that have ever made me cry. The title track made me cry like a little girl. 

The Dear Hunter- Migrant. This is just some good listening. Easy listening. If you don't like heavy music, but also aren't into the radio scene, check these guys out. You won't be disappointed. 

So, those are my playlists as of right now. It's easy to see that I have been struggling with alot. Which also explains my absence, and a somewhat dismal blog. My apologies. When I start getting it together, I will write stuff to make you laugh your pants off. Thanks for everything, and the tireless support. You guys are awesome. Smooches.

I Realized Who I hate The Most.

Look, I realize I have been absent for the past month. And I really don't have an excuse for that. I would say, oh man, I was swamped with finals, like everyone else. Everyone that I asked to hang out was always cry babying about finals. But, between you and I, I wasn't studying for finals. Also, I aced all my finals. So, F your logic. I have just been lazy. I guess I have also had a problem with writers block. I will seriously have a great idea for something at like 4 AM in the middle of a nightmare involving Ashton Kutcher, and then forget it when I wake up. My brain is a trickster. But, anyway, I have had alot going on. So, I apologize for being absent from your wonderfully pathetic lives.
I know alot of high schoolers. And in most cases, that isn't by my choice. I always thought middle schoolers were the absolute worst. And that is actually still true. The sad truth is though, high schoolers are just middle schoolers with money and a drivers license.
So, there I was. Sitting in McDonalds just burning some time between appointments. I wasn't bothering anyone just checking the stock market app on my phone, and enjoying a nice hot fudge sundae. And this gaggle of ass hat high schoolers deem it necessary to take the booth directly next to me. So, I think nothing of it and just keep about my business. And these idiots don't seem to have a volume knob. Or, it may have been broken off at decibel level 100000. Cause seriously, I couldn't even hear the talk show on the TV I was sitting directly underneath. And all I wanted to do was hear Rod Stewart preform his new song on this terrible talk show. Can I do that? Heavens no. I had to listen to this dumb ass yack about putting new plastic shit on his stupid shit Honda Civic. Also, more asshats convene with the prior asshats. The difference is, these were colored gentlemen and their decibel level was superceded the gangly white folks in the booth next to me. I literally almost fell out of my chair when this booming black man voice rattled the windows with "CRAIG MY NIGGA! I AINT SEEN YOU IN FOREVER! DAAAAYYYYUUUUMMM!" At which point I gathered my things and left the McDonalds to go somewhere where I won't be bothered with nonsensical conversations and loud black men who's whole aim is to frighten the shit out of me.
So, There is one lie that I told in this story, and the rest of it is entirely true. Can you guess what the lie was? You're right. I wasn't checking the Stock Market App on my phone. Because that app is entirely useless.
I hate it so much when people have the condescending attitude saying things like "Oh, you're just a young buck!" especially when you are only a few years older than I. But, the truth of the matter is, High schoolers suck. It's basically where your hormones peak, and everything is fifty shades of F-ed up. Like, I hear about high school relationships going south, and being treated like news that Mary Kate and Ashley are now cooking meth. Like it's the biggest and most terrible news since the holocuast. Really? I realize that it means alot to those kids, but the truth is, about .001% of high school sweethearts get married and stay married based on a study my brain did, and made statistics up for. Seriously, you get out of high school, and realize that all your relationships in high school were based on sex. Not love. You just want to jam your $90 jeans together. Not get married. And don't ever try and tell me different. Cause I will pirate kick you into tomorrow.
I don't mean this as a vicious attempt to bring any high schoolers down. Cause high school is fun, and should be. But, you should really stop taking yourself, your friends, and God willing your relationships so damn seriously. Cause, honestly, not a whole lot of it is going to matter in ten years. Sad but true.

A Small Confession About Fears

It might just be that I am 22. But, it also might be that I am completely bad ass. Truth is, on any given day, I feel pretty invincible. Death is something that crosses my mind a lot. While I feel like I still have a lot left to live for, dying is still the least of my worries. At least I wouldn't have to go to school. Or work. I feel like I may be rambling on and on about nothing. So, let me draw the point to all of this. There are only a few things that I truly and completely fear. Midgets, Snakes, Heights, and Public bathrooms.
Now, I realize that the reason you are afraid of these things is due to your subconscious fear of death. You are afraid of things that have the backdrop of death. Which, makes complete sense to me. However, I think that it is almost impossible to completely oust a fear in your life. I have been scared of most of these things since I was young. Even now that I am 22 and most of these things are irrational, I can't seem to shake them.
I think my biggest one now, is public bathrooms. It's not even a fear, I just hate them. For so many different reasons. I think one of the main stems from the movie Dumb And Dumber. When he is in the bathroom and that giant man walks in for surprise sex with him. I just know with all my heart that I am going to be in there taking a leak, and someone who can overpower me sneaks up behind me, and gives me a little surprise. I could probably beat up most rapists. But I always have the fear that someone the size of Donkey Kong is waiting behind a stall door for me.
On top of that, public bathrooms are 19 times out of 20 filthy and repulsive. Not like, shit all over the walls. It's just like, full garbage's, dirty mirrors, turd salads from kids who don't flush, toilet paper (used and not) all over the floor, and the overpowering stench of urine. If you can go in a public bathroom and not line the toilet seat two or three times, my hat is off to you. Because it is going to be you that has a burning urinal tract. Do you realize how many people have sat on that seat? Me either. Because it is probably a lot! Something about sitting bare assed where strangers have sat bare assed is uncomfortable to me. Then again, I even line toilet seats at the most clean public bathrooms. The only place I don't is at home. Home is where you don't have to line the seat.
I think another thing about public bathrooms that is weird, is all the writing on the stalls. I mean, peoples phone numbers, names with hearts around them, and everything else weird in the world. How romantic is that though? You etched you and your girlfriends name into the wall of a bathroom stall. That is a love that is going to last, I just know it. I don't understand why people just write curse words on bathroom stalls, either. You look up, and there, in the poorest of handwriting, is the word "Shit." Well, yeah. I suppose it's appropriate. But, that is the most clever thing you had? Shit? Like, nothing to preface it, nothing to explain it after. Just, Shit. Genius.
I am always afraid of the worst things happening in public bathrooms too. Like, either you run out of TP, or the toilet clogs, or someone walks in on the stall, or peeks through the cracks at you, or hears your noises, or whatever. It's like, when that happens at home, it's bad. But, if it happens in public, it's shameful. I usually do all that I can do in order to avoid it. I will drive the twenty minutes home and pert near soil myself before I will succumb to a public bathroom event.
Worst of all, I have a feeling I am going to end up dying in a public bathroom. Not like, be murdered or whatever. I just know my last minutes on earth are going to be held in a public bathroom. I believe that mostly because I am not the worlds best person. And the worst case scenario of dying is going to happen to me. I am going to be in a bathroom rushing to wash my hands and get the hell out of there, and then it strikes. A heart attack. And in my panic, I clumsily throw myself into one of the stalls. The site of the unflushed toilet makes me pass out, and I fall down, and die with my mouth open on the toilet seat. Surrounded in names with hearts around them, swear words, and male genitalia scribbled on the walls. The toilet paper was out in that stall too.
Maybe a bit dramatic, but I can see it happening. Anyway, that is my rant of the day. Hope you enjoy it. Be safe; Poop at home. Smooches.

Rules Of Thumbs For Concerts.

Well, it's close to midnight. I already ate a bowl of cereal, and took a sleeping pill. Which will be a huge mistake tomorrow. But, I took a nap at 8 o'clock at night, and now I feel like I am ready to go run a marathon. If it were possible for me to run a marathon. So, if this starts out being somewhat coherent to begin with, then, towards the end it starts getting random, and stupid, you now know the cause. Over the counter sleep aids. Three of them.
So, I know alot of people aren't into "screamo" music. And that's fine. We have discussed you just keeping your trap shut about it. Seeings how it has honestly saved my life. So, last night, I went to a metal concert. Allow me to start by saying that it was awesome. But, you know what's not awesome? That every ass hat on the planet seemed to show up. So, I am going to go over some concert etiquette that everyone should apply. Whether it's a Green Day, Taylor Swift, or Black Dahlia Murder concert.
First, understand what a concert entails. If you have personal space issues, you should consider going to the movies, or park instead. While nobody likes to have their goodies touched, you are going to be in a confined room with several hundred people. It's not Woodstock for hell's sake. You can't bring a picnic basket, do bumps of coke off each other while laying on a blanket. There are people everywhere. And you ARE going to get touched. So, be aware of that. And if you go, and start punching people in an effort to create separation for yourself, I am personally going to punch your head. You prick.
Please, in the name of all that is sacred and holy, don't bring your girlfriend. While we all want to please our significant others, some things are just not good ideas for dates. We have aforementioned the space issue. And no one wants their loved one to be smashed either. Don't be a hero and take her then spend the night fending off these "hounds" from squishing your princess. It's futile, and asinine. Unless it is some kind of low key acoustic set, or your woman is accustomed to that sort of atmosphere, forget it. Leave her home to watch Pretty Little Liars.
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever take your gosh damn shirt off. I don't care if it's 5000 degrees, and 5000% humidity. You make us all exponentially more uncomfortable by rubbing your shirtless self against us. But even more so, if you are fat, you shouldn't even consider it. Taking my shirt off at a concert has never crossed my mind. Cause not only am I uncomfortable with that, I know that everyone else would be too. I am a sweaty damn person. My shirt seems to wick away a great deal of that sweat. And when I am rubbing up on everyone else and their stupid girlfriend, it makes everyone happier when I am fully clothed. Don't be an asshole. Keep your shirt on. Whether you are buff, fat, skinny, or somewhere in between. Just do it. For the sake of everyone.
A little add on to that, if you are a woman and do go to a concert, wear clothes. If you wear a bikini top, and booty shorts to Warped Tour, expect to go home topless. There are too many pigs out there that will rip that bikini right off. I have seent it too many times to believe that it wont happen. Just, wear a regular t-shirt, and some pants or Capri's. Also, shoes that wont fall off easy. I have found so many Toms and other women's shoes on the floor of shows. Make sure they can tie. Seriously. Women get disrespected as hell at shows. So, try to dress accordingly. And if you dress like an ass, you'll get treated like an ass.
This next point only applies to metal shows, but I still wanna say it. SCREW HARDCORE DANCING. MOSH OR GTFO! If you are a hardcore dancer, you're an asshole. It's not fun for anyone. And it shouldn't be fun for you. You are making a complete jackass of yourself by flailing your limbs at no one. STAHP. But keeping in mind of mosh pits, there are some things to be said. If you are under the age of 18, stay out. If you are a woman, don't even consider it. If a pit opens up near you, get away. Cause here is the thing, I am a giant. And when I am in the pits, I am like a car without brakes. I cause absolute havoc on the people inside and outside. Because I don't stop. Not for no one. And the thing is, I don't want to run this car into a girl. But the thing is, if you're stupid enough to stand on the edge, you deserve to be hit. Don't cry about it. Do something about it. If you have a head on your shoulders, there are ways around mosh pits. Run and scream like you should. Don't sit and take it. Us mosh pit guys, are ruthless. A mosh pit is nothing but an excuse to kick the shit out of each other. And we don't want and women to be involved in it. So don't. It's not sexist. It's just true.
Lastly, don't go to concerts when you get white girl wasted. If you are having trouble standing, stay home. If you can't see real good, stay home. Everyone hates drunk people. Everyone hates drunk people even worse when they are in public and can't hold their shit together. On top of that, straight edge kids will target you and beat the hell out of you. And I tend to target drunk people in the pits also. So, don't drink and go to concerts. It's annoying. For everyone.
So, I hope you heed these words. They come from many years of experience. And we should all be able to go to shows and not have to end up hating everyone. Smooches.