Don't Hunt This Mind, Dumbass

My wife has been watching this show on Netflix called Mindhunter. She was watching it when it first came out, and I remember being held against my will and forced to watch a few episodes with her at that time. I put a stop to it when, later that evening, after watching a television show that asks the question: "What were they thinking about when they murdered a shit load of people?" I left my house at night to go and get something from the store and saw someone on the road holding an axe. This would be commonplace if I lived in the woods and we all still used fireplaces to heat our homes, but I lived in an apartment near an airport. So needless to say, I stopped watching Mindhunter.

I got roped into it again the other day. Fortunately she has enough days off and gets bored enough, that she has watched the entire second season while I have been working. So I don't have to get spooked again and run from my car to my house while wearing slippers and basketball shorts.

My wife likes that show because she is always trying to stand in someone else's shoes. Always asking the 'why?' question. So Mindhunter is a show that is right up her alley, because it's literally trying to understand why serial killers did what they did. 

You see, this is a question that I have never, and will never ask. I don't really want to know what Ted Bundy was thinking when he lopped some poor girls head off with a hacksaw. I don't know why I would ever need to know that information. I'm satisfied with the answer: "That guy? Oh he's absolutely crackers. Steer clear of that guy, because he LITERALLY murders people." I just can't understand why I should pause to think "Okay, yeah he took someone else's life but, like......... Why?" There are certain things in life that I simply do not need to know. Something else I don't really need to know is: who's idea was it to have chamber pots? Who on God's green earth was like "I want to shit in my room and leave it there til morning"? Just another thing that sure, I could probably google and find out, but I am content with not knowing.

Maybe it's because I lack empathy. I have never really cared to know what someone was thinking or feeling when they made a decision. Because to me, if you have already made a decision, for better or worse, it doesn't really matter what you were thinking or feeling because now you/we have to deal with the consequences.

The real reason, I think, I never want to know what someone is thinking, is because I pray to God daily and nightly that nobody ever has to know what I'm thinking. While sure, most of the time it's the toy monkey clashing the cymbals together that's going on in my head; which is better known as nothing. I am thinking nothing. I am feeling nothing. I am breathing perfectly good air that someone else could be using to nurture their brain that propels them to cure cancer, or invent something that eliminates big oil companies and drives billionaires into the grave for good. And I am sitting around wondering what flavor Blue Raspberry is in real life. Often I will catch myself thinking something so profoundly stupid that I should write it down in a book to remind myself of what a fraud I am whenever I get haughty. I never do that because if someone ever found a little black book in the top of my toolbox that said things like "What if a toilet could weigh your shit?" or "What if they had a candle that smelled like a fart when you lit it and you could prank your family and friends?" and all other forms of bathroom/penis related humor, I would likely get arrested.

Here is a list of other idiotic thoughts that I have had that should be in the aforementioned book, but I am sharing with you:

What is the purpose of a goatee other than looking like an asshole?

Who were the first people to give and receive a titty twister, and what chain of events led them to that juncture?

How many asses has my ass touched by proxy of toilet seat?

Do you think if you put someone else's tooth in your mouth, it would taste different than your teeth?

What's the purpose of letting famous people into establishments for free? They have more money than everybody else, they should pay more.

Why do things that make you fat taste so astronomically, insanely, prodigiously much better than things that make you skinny?

Did the person who invented skim milk's mom not love him very much?

Do you think the first person who ever farted thought it was hilarious, or was that humor developed over time?

Who ever thought of eating cheese? Like just one day you're like "Boy this spoiled milk is uhhhhhh delicious."

If I made as much money as Bill Gates, I would probably end up weighing 900 lbs and they would have to hoist me out of my billion dollar house with a crane and bury me in a burial plot the size of a football field. Because all I would do is fly around the world and eat.

Someone is the fattest person alive right now and they might night even know it. They think they're just some regular fat ass, when in reality, they are THE fat ass.

Someone is also the dumbest person alive, and they definitely don't know it, but everyone they associate with does.

People who are adamant that pineapple doesn't belong on pizza need a new hobby.

They should stop arguing about whether being male or female is harder and just agree that being alive is hard.

Life is so good right now that we are making up problems for ourselves because we are bored. 300 years ago there was no such job description as a 'fantasy football analyst' or 'professional video game streamer'. They were all just farmers or hunters because they were trying to not die. And now we live in the most amazing time in human history and all we do is stand around and bitch at each other because someone believes that you shouldn't be allowed to buy a bazooka at Walmart and the other person believes that doctors shouldn't be available to help EVERYONE, just rich people. I don't really have a way to wrap up that thought, it's just something that I was thinking about. That we live in this amazing time and we all hate each other and want to kill each other and steal all their money and eat all their steak.

I hope that this clears up any questions you may have had for me about the hit Netflix series Mindhunter. See you next time. (In hell)

Diet Soda Is A Cult

I have been officially brain washed. While I am aware that this is not a cognizant thought that someone who has truly been brain washed typically has, I can assure you that I have without question been brain washed.

Have you ever had skim milk? It sucks total and complete ass. I have never been quiet about my disdain for skim milk, nor will I ever be. Skim milk is the mediocre sitcom of beverages. You don't actively search it out, you just drink it/watch it because it doesn't make you feel better or worse. It just lets you sink into nothingness. Unless you are me. Skim milk inspires hatred and anger. I think people who tell themselves they like skim milk probably also tell themselves that they like kale and mushrooms. Most of the people who drink skim milk are people who grew up with it. Which means that their parents might not have loved them very much. I feel sorry for them having such a rough upbringing, to be totally honest. I would imagine that they never had any good cereal to at least sweeten up the skim bullshit, they probably just had raisin bran and tears. Ron Swanson has summed up skim milk in the best possible way. Said he: "There is only one thing I hate more than lying; skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk." I will never drink skim milk, and I will die on that hill.

Did I get off on the wrong foot? Am I ranting about skim milk's inferiority again? Yes, and I always will.

Anyway, back to me being brain washed. Have you ever had diet soda? It's basically like regular soda but without the delicious taste and the conscious weight and pain of a regular soda. It's like telling yourself that you are drinking water, but if it actually tasted good. It's really similar to eating a lean cuisine instead of a hungry man, you eat it and you're like 'well, that wasn't very satisfying, but it did the job.' A phrase I am sure that is uttered most often by brides on their wedding night. They shouldn't call it diet, they should just call it guilt free soda. I don't truly believe that it will help you with your diet, I just think it helps you justify it. Like myself, we are all just looking to justify our poor actions and behaviors.

I recently went 'on the wagon' so to speak, and stopped drinking the fully leaded Coca Cola. AKA the nectar of the Gods. Saying that you're 'on the wagon' is just a nice way of saying that you have lost control of your actions and can't be trusted to make good decisions or have something in moderation. You are a glutton. So you must quit cold turkey, withal. That is what I had to do with Coke. I love Coke, and I would drink it all day long and would feel nothing. However, the intake of that much high fructose corn syrup was affecting my body. Against all odds, I was getting fatter. I never admitted it out loud, but I would stand shirtless in front of the mirror for long spells of time looking at myself in horror. It was like I was waiting for bloody Mary to come out. But instead I was just looking at a burlap sack filled with mushy potatoes. So my wife suggested that I stop drinking Coke.

I'm still hopelessly addicted to the caffeine. When your alarm clock rings at 4:30 AM every weekday, you need the help. I have resorted to Excedrin in the mornings to keep me awake on my drive. But all the while I think longingly about Coke and its loving embrace. I'm sure the hard drug AKA booger sugar would wake me up as well, but I am talking about the soda here.

My mother in law tried to convert me to diet coke when we went on a cruise this winter. She said and I quote "you don't like it at first and then you just keep drinking it and one day you like it." Which to me sounded like nonsense. You might as well be telling me "you don't know how much better your sense of smell can be until you gouge your eyes out." This sounded like Diet Coke cult pyramid scheme nonsense.

And then it happened.

I knew if I had one drop of coke that I would backslide and I would have to start all over again. So I started drinking Coke Zero. Which I still find to be a piss poor excuse for a Coke, but it's tolerable.

Then I found Coke Zero with Vanilla. Which is still like the Asian knock off of Vanilla Coke (Which is basically legal crack. How can they get away with selling something that good? Vanilla Coke on tap > literally everything else)

Now I am drinking Diet Mtn Dew and wondering what happened to my life. Am I going to become like every other middle aged white woman who drinks diet? Am I going to start believing in the healing powers of DoTerra oils? Will my next car be an SUV with a third row of seats? Will I start using dry shampoo? Will I bleach my hair blonde? I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm not convinced that diet is better than regular and I never will be. I just find it to be a tolerable and guilt free alternative. At least until I get aspartame poisoning. What will I drink then? Water? Get right the hell out of here.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall Who's The Biggest Dumb Ass Of All

Have you ever thought that you had bad luck? Like maybe you spilled the salt and that's the reason that you fell down the stairs? Or maybe you walked under a ladder and that's why you aren't rich? I have these thoughts all the time. I always try to explain something that has happened, either good or bad, on some external force that is out to get me/trying to help me.

I grew up in an overly superstitious household. Being called from another room because someone dropped a fork and didn't want to pick it up. Or throwing a handful of salt over your right shoulder to correct the salt you spilt on the table. It gets a little exhausting trying to trace back all my steps and think "Maybe it was because I _____________." Always seeking for some kind of explanation for everything, although comforting at the conclusion to find a blame for things, was tiring.

I do think that some superstitions can be interesting/valuable. I love hardcore/metal music, I have for years and years. My parents thought that it was because I was possessed, but in reality I just liked being different, and liked music with some kind of message. I listened to a lot of heavy music through my tenure at Manti High School. I also played football and wrestled. While most of the guys on my team would listen to music in the locker room prior to a game, my 'superstition' was to not listen to music at all, even though I love(d) music. I found that I preformed much better if I just sat and thought. So does that mean I would play horribly if I were to listen to music? Not likely. In retrospect I just had a better head space. So maybe some 'superstitions' are more of a preferential thing that get carried throughout time, and passed on.

Or maybe people are just insane?

Have you ever looked into peoples 'signs'? Those are some beliefs I do not understand. Because you were born at a certain time when the earth was a certain position in its pattern around the sun explains why you act a certain way? Not only that, it will predict future actions and behavior patterns? Who even thought long enough about that to piece that together? I don't even know what my sign is, or what I will act like. Is that typical behavior for my sign? Did they predict that? Is there other magic involved? Can the stars tell me the next lottery drawing numbers? Can they at least tell me whats for dinner?

Never mind, I am cooking dinner I already know whats for dinner, stupid. That was a trick question.

Have you ever thought that maybe all the bad luck and signs are just your excuse for not taking responsibility for your own shitty actions? Or not accepting that sometimes bad things happen for a reason you can't explain? I understand the feeling that you don't want to accept that something is out of your control. That is probably one of the hardest lessons that I am still learning as I have grown up. I have learned in my marriage that I am a 'fixer'. I just solve problems, whatever they are and whatever the cost. Even if I have to stay up all night, I will fix the sink, or the toilet, or the car, or whatever. If something happens that I can't fix, it honestly and truly upsets me. So I have spent the last couple of years trying to reign that in. I agree that it's way easier to have something fall through, or the car break down, or money run out and shake your fist at the sky and curse God, or the devil, or Sagittarius or your cursed luck, or what the hell ever. It's hard to accept that sometimes things just fall apart for no rhyme or reason. Even if you are doing your best, and you have lived up to every statute you have set up for yourself, but it falls short. That is heart breaking. But maybe things fall apart so you can be better. In whatever way. I can't tell you that tragedy is a good thing. I also can't tell you that it is or is not because of Venus' moon cycle or whatever, or because you broke a mirror and have bad luck. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe diamonds and precious metals will start flying out of my ass.

I can tell you that the sooner you take responsibility for your actions, the better your life will be. If you spend all your time shouting at salt shakers and the star patterns, you will miss out on a great deal. Fix what you can fix, don't worry about what you cannot. Have a good laugh every once in a while. Life is hard, that's why nobody survives. You might as well not spend it blaming the unknown and be thankful for what you have.

Now if you'll excuse me I am going to look up what my horoscope is and eat some fortune cookies and maybe even visit a local tarot card reader or other charlatan. May you all have an abundance of good luck, you idiots.

Sparkling water can kiss my ass

I had a dream the other night that I was at an ice cream store. Some of you may not find this to be a surprise by any measure, just by looking at me. I probably dream about food all the time, but that's for me to know. Anyway, I was at the ice cream store when two fellows walked in, had a look around to assess who was there, then pulled out their firearms and robbed the ice cream store. The burning question I have had since having this reverie is; why would anyone want to hold up an ice cream store for money? I can't imagine that they would have much money. But then again, I haven't been a robber in a long time, so what would I know about that?

My conclusion, your honor, is that the type of people who hold up an ice cream store are the same type of people who actively seek out and DRINK sparkling water. Their judgement is clouded, at best, and they couldn't be trusted with any major schemes or robberies.

Sparkling water is such a bullshit excuse for a drink. I would rather drink plain water, and honestly, I'd rather be thirsty than drink plain water. 

I realize that plain water is absolutely essential to life, and I think that's great. But when people carbonate it just for the sheer sake of carbonating something is like putting wings on a pig; it doesn't mean the damn thing is going to fly. It's a pointless, tasteless, useless, addition to something; and you, against all odds, make water worse. Water honestly sucks, that's why we started drinking milk from cows and goats, because water is the worst. We did something that no other animal in the history of existence has done, we went up and stole milk from other animals nipples to drink it ourselves. Cleverly thinking; this dumbass cow drinks enough water for the both of us! Finding shortcuts for hydration. Just because we would rather not drink water.

And here we are, instead of taking the tried and true methods around drinking plain water, take a longer road home and drink 'sparkling water'. Standing around thinking "You know what? I am awfully thirsty. Do you have anything that tastes like pickle juice but is bubbly? Just have an insatiable thirst for something sparkling, but I want it to taste like it was poured on the sidewalk first." Get the hell out of here.

They probably only serve sparkling water in prison along with plain white rice with dried out gravy. And I would imagine that even prisoners are trading smokes for packets of sugar to dump into their beverage from hell. The guy with the most Stevia is likely the king pin in the prison, a modern day Al Capone. But I can only think that even adding sugar to sparkling water is like putting a band aid on an axe wound.

The only instance I could ever see myself drinking sparkling water would be if I were stranded in a desert and it was between a nice cold Perrier and my own urine. And honestly, I would probably just water down my whiz with some of the Perrier.

If I want something sparkling, it's going to be a Sprite every time. Sprite is delicious and flavorful, and the drink choice of both Lebron James and Grant Hill. Some of you may turn your nose up at this and say "You dumb bastard, that's why you'll be fat your entire life." My retort would be: If the price I have to pay to lose weight is drinking sparkling water, then I will die with a smile on my face as they take off part of my roof and remove my fat bloated 800 lb corpse with a crane, and I will see YOU in hell. Enjoy your sparkling dog shit.

To my lovely wife who will read this and inevitably comment - "I like sparkling water...";

Get a grip. <3

Grown ups are idiots

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you referred to anyone over the age of 18 as a grown up? There was definitely a certain hierarchy among kids; there were kids your age, kids that were a little older than you, kids in middle school, and kids in high school, then at some point you just graduate to becoming a grown up. I've found as I have gotten older and altogether wiser, that this is an outright lie. I know, personally, people in their mid twenties and thirties who have not grown up even a little. In fact, some that I know have regressed and are, against all odds, worse than they were as a child. Or, so I imagine.

The thoughts of grown ups always frightened me as a child, because I always assumed that I was wrong and that they were right. While this was sometimes true, I still think back on certain events and could argue viably that I was right, even as a child. However, I didn't like to argue as a child, and I like to argue less as an adult. This all comes down to the fact that I was frightened of 'adults' as a child because I was frightened of my parents... Wait. That sounds a little bad. Let me tell you a story that might put things into perspective.

My parents had this kick ass pantry when I was a kid that was just over the stairs that led to the basement, and it had a built in shelf that was excellent for sitting. This pantry was filled with typical pantry items like sugar and flour, but it's also where my mom kept chips and fruit snacks and other desirable items. So one afternoon and I was an hungered, but I didn't want to commit to a full meal or snack, I just wanted to graze. So I went rooting around in the pantry and had a stroke of good luck in finding a bag of Doritos that actually had chips inside, and hadn't been rummaged through and put back on the shelf empty. So I sat on the shelf and ate the Doritos happily, wiping my cheesy fingers on my pants. I hadn't been chomping for more than a few minutes when my younger brother came barreling through the kitchen, pulling all the bar stools out behind him, as though to obstruct the path of a pursuant. I looked down the hall to see who was chasing after the little devil, when my dad came thundering out of his room chasing my brother full stride. I am not joking or exaggerating when I tell you that I watched my father leap over all 4 kitchen bar stools like a gazelle escaping a lioness. I watched Josh run out the sliding glass door off the kitchen, closing the door behind him, and run off the deck and down the stairs to the yard where he would soon be captured and punished accordingly. All the while I continued to eat my Doritos. 

So yeah, I was a little afraid to argue with my parents because my dad was an Olympic athlete when it came to a hot pursuit. And I have never really been that fast.

Growing up is an all encompassing phrase, and could be used more frugally if you ask me. Does growing up mean that you have a job with insurance, or does it mean that you are mature enough to not look at your ex-boyfriends new girlfriends facebook and scoff haughtily? Or does it mean that you are just an old sack of shit who complains all the time and goes to bed at eight and gets mad about loud neighbors and doesn't like kids? Was that last question just a statement about myself? Is this cryptic or obvious?

I just like that argument when people say "When are you gonna grow up?" How would a person even know that? Is there a time constraint or limit? Should I visit my local gypsy to have them read my tarot cards to know my exact growing up date (I'm hoping for good news from her anyway)? 

I think that some people never grow up because they are never really forced to. Some people are born into wealth or status, sometimes even if it's what we call Sanpete County Royalty* status, and are never forced to cut the apron strings, and carry on like a child never accepting responsibility for their actions. Someone is always there to make an excuse for them or defend them when they're wrong. These kinds of people usually don't contribute well to society, in my personal opinion. I honestly hate spoiled kids because I work very hard, so perhaps it's a jealousy thing. Gee, I wish my dad would pay for my college and car and house and divorce and new boyfriend and clothes and drinking habit!

I'm not sure where I was headed with that. But if you are one of those kids and maybe read this and take offense, be sure to tell your mom or dad on me. I'll pimp slap all three of you to the ground.

I think we could all use some growing up; This unattainable ideal of what the normal threshold is for functioning adults. I don't think that anyone is or will ever be a full fledged grown up. There will always be something you can do better. But you can take solace in the fact that you can literally look around and know that everybody you see isn't a full functioning adult either; the ones who appear to be are just faking it better. Just like some people are better at art, some people are better at math, and some people are good at being human Furbies - they were popular at one time and got sent to Goodwill after 2 years of sitting in a tote in the basement, then some poor inner city kid took it home and played with it for a couple days and is now sitting on the floor of a condemned home staring at the ceiling and wasting time and space. But they're good at being that useless trash. Some people are even good scientists!

Being grown up is honestly hard and I commend all people who are facing it with a brave face. Because seriously it would be like... insanely easier to get addicted to crack and have government assistance housing and work at McDonalds for just few enough hours to get government subsidized food stamps but just enough cash to pay for some low tier crack. But here we all are, doing our best to make it work on our own without uncle Sam's help. No, instead of helping you up, he has his boot on your neck and is trying to squeeze every last dime and overtime hour out of your useless body! I guess what I am saying is straight up, keep up the good work. It's easy to look around and get discouraged but you keep getting up for work or school or whatever and honestly just by showing up to your appointments and doing your job, however menial it may or may not be, you are making the world a better, more livable place. Things probably won't ever be an absolute dream, but if you keep your nose to the freaking grindstone, you can get pretty damn close. So don't lose the faith.

I guess maybe this is a love letter to myself that I am letting you guys read, but I felt there were some fair points. Grow up you freakin dips.


*For any unfamiliar, Sanpete County Royalty is an autoimmune disease in which the subject is born into a family that is of self proclaimed nobility and status, relative to the region. Typically the disease is found in cities and counties of low income, and are geographically far from any metropolis. Over time the patient develops unparalleled haughtiness and universal self unawareness. Similar to the Dunning-Kruger Effect, the patient believes they are better, smarter, and prettier than they actually are; but are incapable of understanding that they are not. There is no known cure. Typical signs of someone who may have the disease include, but are not limited to: Will only socialize with people who also have the disease, will only go to church to scoff at people of lesser fortune, will yell at referees at a youth sporting event, have notoriously big hair, signs up for known pyramid schemes, argues with friends and coworkers about which car brand is best, talks about how rich their parents are, has two or more ATV's, has a theater room in the house, has been known to closet drink, will shame any family who has a gay son or daughter, will shame a family if a son or daughter goes to rehab, will shame a family for any other reason, attends all high school sporting events, turns nose up often, is known to whisper to their friends in public, wear BYU gear, discusses their 2nd amendment rights loudly and often, has strong political opinions despite not understanding politics or current events, wears camouflage often, has a truck or luxury car payment they can't afford. If you or someone you know is suffering from this disease, talk to your doctor today for treatment.