Strip Clubs Are Trashy. So Are The People That Visit Them.

I can't honestly admit to ever visiting a strip club. As breath taking as that is. I can, however, admit to having seen a lot of movies where they visit strip clubs. From the longevity of whatever strip club they appease themselves to, all the way to my living room couch, I feel like I just swam in a dumpster filled with Crisco and left over french fries from Burger King. In other words, dirty. I felt really freaking dirty. Not that I was appalled by what I saw, or anything like that. The fact that I had vicariously been put in a state where i had to pay money to get girls, was... gross. Although that is not too far a state from where I am at now, I still have some sort of dignity. In a world where you have to pay people to see them take their clothes off, is a world where I would rather not live. I was listening to a song the other day. It's called "Invisible" by some crappy 90's band. It's a story where this guy was watching this girl through her bedroom window. If anyone has heard this song, and has not run through the motions of watching someone through their bedroom window, is most surely a liar, and a cheat. You can't hear such a song and not put yourself in that position. As I sat mulling over that thought, while simultaneously thinking of how trashy strip clubs are, and eating string cheese, I had a million dollar idea. What if we took all of those ideas, and mixed them into one. Sit down, because at the end of my idea, you'll be on your feet. What if we made a dress club? Instead of people taking their clothes off, they were putting their clothes on. Picture a scene where a man fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but a smile, and a towel, steps onto a stage, which looks exactly like a bedroom. You sit anxiously as he goes through the motions of dressing. The best part? You don't have to be quiet while he gets dressed! He knows you are there, so you can cheer for whatever outfit you think would be best. Steve Irwin outfit? You got it. Hobo? You betcha. John Stockton look alike? Only if you cheer loud enough. The opportunities are endless in dress clubs. Where in strip clubs, you have one option. From clothes on, to clothes off. Your childhood dreams are fulfilled in a dress club. It's not like that pesky husband who doesn't wear what you want him to. The "dresser" doesn't have a choice. He does what he's told. Like a woman who can't talk, it's perfection. It doesn't end there though. Instead of scary bouncers dressed in black, they will be scary bouncers dressed in clown outfits. Its so much less intimidating when he looks friendly. Don't mess with him though. He has a squirty flower that is filled with mace. Not only that, but, full meals will be served at dress clubs. You can actually eat off the table and not cringe. Because nobody's bare bottom has been where your hands and food are now. We will have an extensive menu that includes, but is not limited to, Grilled Cheese, Macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, hamburgers, hot dogs, frozen burritos, pizza, chicken, and you get a side of apple sauce, or fries. The drink menu is also extensive. From juice, to chocolate milk, we will have it all. At the end of the day, it's another get rich quick plan. I'm so tired of being poor, and going to college. It's like a pyramid program, except I'm the only one who makes real money. People could make a lot more money, if they were more imaginative, and sucked less. 10 years from now while you are traveling in a big city, and you see a sign that says "JB'S DRESS CLUB"  you'll know that I'm not too far off, sitting in a Love Sac that is filled with water and goldfish, smoking a whole bag of smarties, and counting all my money. Don't bother me though. My right hand man, and Co-founder, Morgan Walkenhorst, will not be far off. He's ruthless and will have the clowns chase you out macing you the whole way. You should've thought about talking to me before i was rich and ruggedly handsome. Eat my shorts, gold diggers.

Doing It The Hard Way

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and think, I can count ten things I would rather do than leave the house today? I can actually name all ten of mine every day. The list never changes, Unless i am actually doing something on my top ten. For example, I cant say "I would much rather be at Chuck E Cheese right now..." (which happens to be number one on my list) If I'm playing Skee Ball and winning way more tickets than every other kid in the place at Chuck E cheese. I'll write down my list to satisfy your curiosity.

1. Be at Chuck E Cheese.

2. Be watching WWE Monday night RAW, or Friday Night Smackdown.

3. Eating pancakes in Lumberjack apparel.

4. Be at Matt Peterson's house.

5. Playing Red Rover.

6. Reading the Bernstien Bears.

7. Building a raft/cabin with my bare hands.

8. Be at a local Wal-Mart and judging people.

9. Watching Arthur.

10. Eating free samples of food at Costco.

On any given day, you could walk up to me and say; "Hey Jake, what do you want to do today?" I would in turn reply with any and all of these answers. In truth, anything is better than school. I would rather go roller blading, and crash, naked, than do homework. If school wasn't the only thing standing between me and being filthy rich, you could bet every dollar you had that i would've dropped out eons ago. The point is, i spend far too much time doing the exact opposite of what i want to do. Unfortunately, you have to do a lot of things you don't want to do in order to start doing things that you do want to do. If you want to be rich, you have to go to school or be elected King of America (Hmmm...) If you want to marry someone, or just make whoopie with someone, you have to go on dates. You'll also run into a lot of creeps down that avenue, like me. Don't worry, you can blow me off too. The point is, this world is a horrible place to live. I hope things are better when I'm living on the moon with Newt Gingrich. If all goes well, there will be Arthur on all the TVs at the Chuck E Cheese's on the moon. Let's just say that things don't work out. I don't get elected King of America (God forbid) the moon idea for some unknown reason doesn't work out, then what? As if King Jake doesn't have a back up plan... I have thought a lot about what i should do with my future. Seeings how i hate everyone, I spend a lot of time planning routes to avoid people, and my social life has dwindled rapidly, I have come to a few basic conclusions. The first, I'm leaving civilization. You know the crotchety old man on TV that always yell at people to get off his lawn? He and i have a lot in common. The difference is, kids wont get a chance to walk on my lawn, or lack thereof. I will be living so far away from everyone, kids would be hard up to drive to my house, much less walk on my lawn. I am going to build a house in the woods, or in the desert of somewhere. No one will bother me, i will be 100% self sufficient, and no one will be around to make fat jokes or harm my self esteem with demeaning texts, not to mention, try to convince me that i should shave. The way i see it, all my ideas combine into one great master plan. I'm king of the desert, I can have a woodchipper in case some gypsy stumbles across my land, I will eliminate any and all contact with the people i hate so desperately, and I wont spend any money on dates. It seems as though it's too good to pass up. Don't come looking for me. My true friends will know where to find me. So, when life gets too hard, and you wonder why you keep doing things you hate, there is always a better alternative. Just don't.

K.I.N.G.

The closer we come to elections, the more I feel the apathy inside my heart get magnified. I realize that I should care so much more about the future of the best nation in the world, but i just cant bring myself to. In all reality, how much weight does a president carry? Not as much as i personally think he should. He is just kind of the scapegoat for all of the problems we pile on, for no apparent reason. The more I hear about debates, and what policy is what, the more I feel qualified to run for president. But I really don't want to run for president. Because I don't want to make crap money, running a great nation that I really have no control over. You want to know what i would do a lot more of if i were president? Declare war on things. That would really be the only thing that I could do on my own free will as president. So you better believe that I would abuse it. I would be willing to bet that I have more control as President over my L.A.R.P.ing club than President Obama does over the United States Of America. If someone misbehaves at a L.A.R.P.ing convention, they get the water torture. If someone doesn't pay their taxes, the IRS threatens to come after them. All this crap about checks and balances, Congress, and other branches of the government is so outdated. I kind of like the attitude of the old world. Kings, that is. You either obey the kings rule, or die. How much better would things be if that were the case? No one would revolt in fear of Americas mighty army. You want to know what else? I cant think of anyone more qualified than me to be King of America. You want to know why i would be such a great king? Allow me to pitch a few ideas that might make you agree with me. If you don't agree, it's OK. I'll have you killed after I'm elected. Have you ever been in a public bathroom? I have. Hated it. There is nothing worse than sitting on a toilet that someone you have never met, or know where else they've sat, was previously sitting on. Its almost like Russian roulette with STD's. I think there should be someone stationed outside of every public bathroom to clean it after each use. That way, I'm happy, and someone gets paid to do something that i never will. Not to mention, the amount of bathrooms that I walk out of, and don't wash my hands because that would only make them more dirty, would be basically eliminated. Also, my absolute worst fear of using a public bathroom and not having any toilet paper would disperse. Have you ever thought about that? What on earth would you do? The walk of shame, turns into the walk of humiliation. There is not the slightest chance in hell that I'm asking the cashier at the gas station if there is any more toilet paper for the bathroom. More policies? I would coral all of the meanest people in the world, and they would have to fight it out to the death. Almost like Mortal Kombat, except nobody wins. I'm so tired of mean people being mean, and there wouldn't be room for those kind of people in America under my rule. I would also make sure that everyone made enough money to get by. How? Make people give their fortunes to me, and i write out checks to poor people. Although, I would make sure that "NOT FOR COCAINE" was written on every dollar bill that was given out from my account. Nobody would be overlooked. And i would spend all the rest of the money in my account on things that make America better. Like more basketballs, and bombs. Don't picture King Jake as sitting on this throne with flowing robes, and a giant crown. Think of it as me giving people like Hugh Jackman high fives at the Oscars, and making him give me his money. And his Oscar. Or kissing Rachael McAdams on the cheek on the cover of People magazine. Or flying around in a flying car throwing buckets of KFC out my windows to all the hungry people. Most of all, picture me making everyone who denied me a date, or friend zoned me incredibly jealous. Cause they would be positioned as bathroom cleaners for the bathrooms at my house. And I would make a mess every single time i went in there. I would pour all the handsoap on the floor and slide around like i was wearing roller skates, and then run toilet paper across everything. Then spit on the mirrors. They have alot to look forward to. Be mean to me, will ya! The thing that makes me most qualified, is that i am about 20% more sane than anyone i know. Not to mention, my ideas are fool proof. So when you are standing in line to vote this November, know that it wont always be this way. One day, your life will be better. It will no longer be a vote between the lesser of 2 evils.One day, it will all be fair, and we will all be happy. When King Jake reigns.

Man Cards Should Be Real.

On more occasions than once, i have asked myself, "Is that a girl, or a boy?" On the same occasions, part of me dies. In the world we currently live in, the line is no longer drawn in the sand. In fact, its not drawn at all. Remember in old movies the women they called Bimbos? Large breasted, scantily clad women who were dumber than the entire cast of The Suite Life Of Zach and Cody. Those women were the idols of their day. The epitome of desireable women. They had no real talent in acting, they just looked good without clothes on. The tables have ever so turned. The dimwitted blonde is no longer prevalent in movies. Its now the dimwitted muscle man. Men who lack real talent in acting, or sports, but get paid to be looked at. Life has turned into one giant Chippendales stage. We get paid to look good without a shirt on. Its no longer about if we are good at what we do, or are actually going somewhere in life. If you want girls, money, and all things desireable, get a six pack and big pecs. I normally wouldn't have a problem with people looking good without a shirt on, it's all the exccess that comes with it that i don't like. You can't just look good, you have to be a jerk, while similtaneously toe the line between man and woman. You can't have a sick pack, hairy legs, a beard and wear regular man clothes. You have to wear form fitting clothes, shave your legs, chest, and face, use lotion, chapstick, conditioner, and worry about the health of your nails, pluck your eyebrows, wear bright colors such as pink, and spend too much time in front of a mirror doing your hair. I have neither a six pack or a big chest, however i can prove that i'm a man. Not only that, i'm positive that i can carry on a far more interesting conversation than most of these meat heads. I'm not suggesting that men should refuse to care for themselves. I shower more than anyone that i know. Aside from that, body odor is offensive, so are long fingernails. However, i have come to a conclusion, that there are certain things that a man should never do. I'll make it into a list.
1. Drink from a straw.
2. Shave your legs, arms, armpits, chest, or face.
3. Wear pink. Purple is more acceptable in darker shades.
3. Spend longer than 20 minutes in the bathroom at any one time.
4. Cross your legs.
5. Sit to pee.
6. Take an excessive amount of pictures of yourself.
7. EVER put makeup on.
8. Use lotion. Even manly flavors.
9. Watch a girly movie alone.
10. Order drinks with umbrellas.



There are plenty of more things i could add to this list. But, i feel as though these are the most important. I am also guilty of a few of these things. I also understand that my manhood takes backseat when i do these things. Remember when you grew up wanting to be a cop or fireman? Those things have been turned into sex idols, and it drives me crazy. You cant grow up wanting to be a regular man. Kids no longer want to grow up to be John Wayne, but someone like Channing Tatum. Why? Good question. I think that the concept of manliness and whats "Hot" needs to be adjusted. Girls need to stop falling all over these men and then wonder why things didn't work out. I'll tell you why it didn't work out, it's cause these boys will never settle down. Rightly so, i might add. Why buy the cow when you can steal the milk and leave the cow desperate? I must also acknowledge that men fall into the same trap. Falling all over girls that have no interest in settling down. Its a two way street. It just seems as though women fall for it more often. At least from what i see. Men need to act like men. Women need to act like women. There is most certainly a reason we are different. The more men i see shave their armpits, the more i feel my manhood and beard grow. Man cards should be a tangible thing, rather than an idea. I know i would have all my corners still in tact. So the next time you fall in love with someone, you should probably do a background check. You might also run through this checklist to see if they might be a "Player" Or a "Him-bo", as it were. Last i checked, lumberjacks aren't overly concerned with hooking up with several chicks, but, more about working hard, being manly, and eating pancakes. They wont break your heart. Just build your house.

Nice Guys Finish Last. So do Weirdos.

I've been hearing every day of my mortal life the saying that "Nice guys finish last." And i've never really fully comprehended such a thing. Is that encouraging people to be mean? Or is it merely a nicer way of telling people to man up? Either way, i don't really like it. For a multitude of reasons. I feel as though there are too few nice people in the world. And to degrade them further by saying that they are consistently finishing last, makes me cringe a bit. The only guys who appear to finish first, are the one who you can wash your clothes on their abs. But, don't do that. Because his tan will rub off. But these dashingly handsome men can walk into a public setting, and walk out with a woman on their arm. I trust you have all seen these people. I tend to closely associate with them and pick up any table scraps. Its a way of finishing second to last. Reguardless, i have a hard time believing that the only reason  that these men get girls is because they're assholes. Few times have a i seen one of the said men walk up to a girl, tell her she's too fat for that dress, and that the Subaru Outback she drives makes her look like a lesbian,  and when you wear your hair like that, it makes you look like Mrs Jetson's step mother, That when she carries big handbags, it makes her look like a drug trafficker, and that high heels don't look nice, they make you look like a dirty stripper, then they fall all over him. Its something called confidence that gets these guys the girls. At least, that's what i'm told. I'm not sure what confidence even is. I think we need to do away with the notion that its being a jerk is what gets you girls, and being nice gets you another night alone. Its because these men are prettier than you, and they are positive of that fact, that wins girls over. So either look elsewhere for girls, or get a gym membership. Don't practice being a jerk. Cause the next guy i see wearing shorts, tube socks, and a hat thats brim is flipped up, i'll ram my Buick into. You don't dress that way cause it looks cool, or because its comfortable. You do it cause somebody else did and you want to be like them. And so it dribbles down the food chain. Have you ever really wondered why you are finishing last? Maybe its cause you like Star Wars too much, or that you really like the Big Bang Theory, or that you drool when you speak, or you don't use a proficient amount of deoderant, or that you like unicorns too much, or that you don't make enough money, or that your beard is patchy, or your nose is gigantic, you don't clip your fingernails well enough, you like Nickleback, or Coldplay, you could be too gangly, you don't wear your pants where they were designed to, you wear New Balance shoes, you button your polo shirts all the way to the top, you walk weird, there could be any number of reasons why you finish last. I am sure that being nice is towards the bottom of the list.  All in all, we just need to put our feet back on the ground, and be real with ourselves. I'm confident that being nice is not the reason why i finish last. Its because i'm husky.

Chivalry Is Dead... You Might Be Too.

I find that i worry too much. I worry about dates, asking girls out, if double texting them is inappropriate, the list could go on for hours. I often find myself losing sleep over it, to be entirely honest. If i could count up all the hours I've lied in bed staring at the ceiling analyzing my date, wondering what she thought about it, thinking about what to say the next time i text her, and on and on and on, I could honestly watch the extended versions of Lord Of The Rings, and Harry Potter in their entirety 6-7 times. Let me bring you up to speed on my recent escapade with asking a girl out (Which was a horrible idea to begin with) So there i was, losing sleep thinking that maybe this girl might be interested in me back. In my eyes, things were going great. I finally had someone text me that's not my mom. So what do i do? I try to take it up a notch to make sure that my intentions are well known. Man, i'm so awesome! I'm a real man! So, i decide i was going to spend the money i don't have and take her out on a date. I just needed her to agree first. So i send her the following  text (Might have been a mistake in and of itself) "I know you probably have homework and stuff, and i'll leave you alone. But, i just wanted to see if you wanted to go grab a movie and ice cream or something tomorrow :)" I even lowered my standards and sent a smiley face. She, in turn replied with such; "Blah Blah Blah I suck at living, Let's just be friends so things don't get weird... Blah Blah Blah i wish i were dead." If i were a faggot, i would've cried. You know why? Cause rejection sucks. I spent the next three days over analyzing the situation, and my personal worth as a human. I seriously considered shaving, changing my wardrobe, getting a haircut, buying a Ferrari, buying a motorcycle, taking up base jumping, joining a hockey team (Still an option), being an astronaut, starting a fight for no good reason, starting underground dog/chicken fights, dropping everything i own to become a sailor (Also an option), burning the apartment complex to the ground, and finally becoming a vagrant. Of course, i followed through with none of these things. Yet. But, as i have lied in my bed countless nights wondering whats wrong with me and what i need to change, i have come up with a few conclusions that might do the world a bit of good. I am neither a psycho or a killer, but, i have had some dark thoughts that might bring things into better order in the world today. Why is it that there are leagues established? Why cant we all hold hands and be happy? Should it not matter what social class you hail from? Why does it matter if the Cheerleader dates the weird theater kid? We should all end up being happy. Enough of that gay stuff. In order to restore balance to the world, there needs to be fear struck once again into the hearts of the people. We all live without consequence any more. We can all say whatever we want without the consequence of having to say it to anyone's face. Life now is easier than ever. No one is afraid of anything anymore. Until now. If there were consequences for our actions, we wouldn't do some of the things we do. I propose the following, we don't ask girls out with us anymore. We force them. Kidnapping is so old school. And we need to bring it full circle. Allow me to explain my intentions. Instead of seeing a cute girl and forcing yourself to talk to them and winning them over, kidnap them. Then give them an ultimatum. They can either date/marry you or (Insert consequence here). I'll allow your own imagination to fill in the blanks here. Which i probably shouldn't do. But, i'm a risk taker. You take some responsibility here. I'm tired of losing sleep over chivalry and trying to make myself seem presentable. I don't want to have to fix myself in order to make someone love me back. But, if they love me because they had the choice of that, or getting thrown in a wood chipper, i would be okay with that. I'm all about people making good choices. Why not make sure that they make good choices? I see the wood chipper idea only going great. Cause honestly, who is going to choose to die? No one, that's who. It may not be ethical. But which of my posts are? I'm trying to provide options for people who are like me. Nice people, with bad luck. And in the end, why shouldn't we all be happy? Or at least one person in the relationship...