K.I.N.G.

The closer we come to elections, the more I feel the apathy inside my heart get magnified. I realize that I should care so much more about the future of the best nation in the world, but i just cant bring myself to. In all reality, how much weight does a president carry? Not as much as i personally think he should. He is just kind of the scapegoat for all of the problems we pile on, for no apparent reason. The more I hear about debates, and what policy is what, the more I feel qualified to run for president. But I really don't want to run for president. Because I don't want to make crap money, running a great nation that I really have no control over. You want to know what i would do a lot more of if i were president? Declare war on things. That would really be the only thing that I could do on my own free will as president. So you better believe that I would abuse it. I would be willing to bet that I have more control as President over my L.A.R.P.ing club than President Obama does over the United States Of America. If someone misbehaves at a L.A.R.P.ing convention, they get the water torture. If someone doesn't pay their taxes, the IRS threatens to come after them. All this crap about checks and balances, Congress, and other branches of the government is so outdated. I kind of like the attitude of the old world. Kings, that is. You either obey the kings rule, or die. How much better would things be if that were the case? No one would revolt in fear of Americas mighty army. You want to know what else? I cant think of anyone more qualified than me to be King of America. You want to know why i would be such a great king? Allow me to pitch a few ideas that might make you agree with me. If you don't agree, it's OK. I'll have you killed after I'm elected. Have you ever been in a public bathroom? I have. Hated it. There is nothing worse than sitting on a toilet that someone you have never met, or know where else they've sat, was previously sitting on. Its almost like Russian roulette with STD's. I think there should be someone stationed outside of every public bathroom to clean it after each use. That way, I'm happy, and someone gets paid to do something that i never will. Not to mention, the amount of bathrooms that I walk out of, and don't wash my hands because that would only make them more dirty, would be basically eliminated. Also, my absolute worst fear of using a public bathroom and not having any toilet paper would disperse. Have you ever thought about that? What on earth would you do? The walk of shame, turns into the walk of humiliation. There is not the slightest chance in hell that I'm asking the cashier at the gas station if there is any more toilet paper for the bathroom. More policies? I would coral all of the meanest people in the world, and they would have to fight it out to the death. Almost like Mortal Kombat, except nobody wins. I'm so tired of mean people being mean, and there wouldn't be room for those kind of people in America under my rule. I would also make sure that everyone made enough money to get by. How? Make people give their fortunes to me, and i write out checks to poor people. Although, I would make sure that "NOT FOR COCAINE" was written on every dollar bill that was given out from my account. Nobody would be overlooked. And i would spend all the rest of the money in my account on things that make America better. Like more basketballs, and bombs. Don't picture King Jake as sitting on this throne with flowing robes, and a giant crown. Think of it as me giving people like Hugh Jackman high fives at the Oscars, and making him give me his money. And his Oscar. Or kissing Rachael McAdams on the cheek on the cover of People magazine. Or flying around in a flying car throwing buckets of KFC out my windows to all the hungry people. Most of all, picture me making everyone who denied me a date, or friend zoned me incredibly jealous. Cause they would be positioned as bathroom cleaners for the bathrooms at my house. And I would make a mess every single time i went in there. I would pour all the handsoap on the floor and slide around like i was wearing roller skates, and then run toilet paper across everything. Then spit on the mirrors. They have alot to look forward to. Be mean to me, will ya! The thing that makes me most qualified, is that i am about 20% more sane than anyone i know. Not to mention, my ideas are fool proof. So when you are standing in line to vote this November, know that it wont always be this way. One day, your life will be better. It will no longer be a vote between the lesser of 2 evils.One day, it will all be fair, and we will all be happy. When King Jake reigns.