Peter Jackson Is A Murderer. Of Entertainment.

I want to start by saying that there is a couple of blogs that have started over the past couple of weeks that I encourage you to check out. http://talesofabandit.blogspot.com is a dear friend of mine who has remarkable talent, and fantastic ideas. If you are looking for a cynical look at your world, look no further. http://bewareofhooks10.blogspot.com Another dear friend who has great thoughts on pretty much anything. definitely worth your time. Finally, http://rageandfurytheory.blogspot.com is one of my very best friends. He has alot of great critiques of films, and is far better at doing that than i or anyone else am. Plus, he is arguably the funniest person I know. Go check those blogs out, you wont be disappointed. Onward though,  This will probably never reach the ears of Peter Jackson, but if it did, I have a thing or two to say to that jerk. I would start by telling him that he makes great movies, but that he is an asshole. The Lord Of The Rings trilogy were great movies. I love them so much. So when The Hobbit rolled into town, I was comparably excited as a 12 year old girl waiting in line for a Justin Bieber concert. I even went to the midnight showing of it, because that's how awesome I am. My excitement was halted long before the movie was over. You know why? Because one book was made into three movies. There was an insurmountable amount of nothing going on in the movie. Even more than what has been going on over Christmas break. I thought we could have drawn the line after the final Twilight book was split into two movies. But no. Why don't we make three MORE movies about people walking around? As much as I loved the trilogy, can you imagine what would have happened had they split each book into three films? You would have been able to see the grass and plants grow in each film, because that's how much nothing that would be going on. Consequently, that is exactly what happened during The Hobbit. Granted, I would probably watch it again. But there were parts in the movie, where I actually felt my beard grow. A substantial amount, I might add. So many things were drawn out and dramatically unnecessary. So as I was thinking of why Peter Jackson decided to do us all an UN-favor of making one book three movies, it occurred to me. He is just looking for another big paycheck. As if he didn't already make millions upon millions from the trilogy, he is going to do it again with The Hobbit, or so he hopes. The problem is, he is trying to polish a turd here. How many beautiful landscape shots can he have in one film before I start to feel like I am watching Planet Earth? The answer, is not too many more. Nobody wants to pay money to watch nothing. If I wanted to watch nature, I would go on a hike. I go to movies to see illicit romances fabricated from nothing to help me realize what a bunch of dickholes men are,
(Why can't they all be like Ryan Gosling????? Boys need to be more romanticcccc!!!) and peoples heads get cut off by rusty orc swords, and snakes on planes. I think that Mr. Jackson should have thought through his game plan before he dove headfirst into the shallow end here. So Peter, you dunce, do us all a favor and look long and hard at yourself in the mirror, and then stomp on your own toe for the wrong you've committed. You have basically killed the unicorn of the film industry. Dick.

Christmas Wishes

I usually don't write unless I am really inspired by something. Christmas is anything but inspirational for me, but enough to where I think it is worth writing a piece on. First of all, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and your's a Merry Christmas. You filthy animals. If there is nothing else good about Christmas, at least it is a chance for you to get together with your loved ones. And hated ones if you have in-laws, or weird cousins or whatever. I think that it is at least a good excuse to sit around and stuff your face for days on end. 

Moving on though, Santa Clause is a stupid idea. Whoever thought it was a good idea, deserves to be left out in the cold. Naked. Lets look at this, it's a way to push off the bad present ideas you have onto someone imaginary, and let him also take all the credit for the good ideas you have. Basically, it's a way to make your children not love you, or hate you. The truth is, it doesn't even end with Christmas. We have fake people for every holiday to take the blame, good or bad, except birthdays. Why? I feel like there was some coward somewhere along the lines that had horrible children and didn't want them to hate him cause he was un-imaginitve, so he made up this story about Santa. Its garbage. All of it. Cause not only do they have the Santa ace up their sleeve, they can turn around and blame it on the kids. "Oh, you didn't get the drum set you wanted? You must've been a little shit. All year. Better luck next year!" So, depending on how you look at it, whoever invented Santa was a genius, or an idiot. I personally think people should take a little more responsibility. If you buy your kid something they didn't want, take the heat! Anyway, i feel like I am going in circles. I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. I don't mean to get soft, but enjoy the time with your families this holiday season. If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, write Santa hate mail. Or, I have a plan to knock over the North Pole. It's a win win win. I get all the presents, and I get to take the elves hostage and start a business free of charge. So, while I am playing with Hot Wheels, the elves are bringing me hot chocolate and cookies. All. Day. And I don't have to have kids because of it. Foolproof. So, Have a good Christmas one and all. Here is my Christmas card from this year also.

All My Love,

King Jake

Mario Is A Dim Wit.

I want to start by clearing some things up. I have totally kissed a girl before. I re-read my last post, and that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it didn't come across that way. It made me seem like I was king of the faggots rather than King of America. So, that record is straight, I King Jake have kissed a girl before. I have been thinking alot about the whole kissing a girl thing in light other than trying to not make myself sound like a homosexual on the Internet. I realized that men will go to great lengths for a woman. It's almost disturbing at times the measures that are taken. I guess you could say that it hit me while I was playing Super Mario Bros 3 on the NES. By the way, I don't think I can be any more creative with my swears than when I am playing that cursed game. In any case, here is this lowly plumber, just doing his job, then ends up chasing the princess to 8 different worlds. While on shrooms. Now, it might make sense to Mario to do such a thing, but to me, there is not a chance in hell. Seriously. Like, I might come save a woman if she has locked herself in the bathroom, or if she fell down the stairs, but if some guy that loosely resembled a turtle busted into the house, grabbed a woman I had the hots for, and teleported out to God knows where, I would probably exclaim, "Well, that was unexpected." and go back to my business. You know what else I would do? Go to my plumbing job the next day. There is no logical reason I should chase you through that portal and try to save you. Especially not to 8 worlds I have never seen, nor visited. Have you seen some of the crap that poor Italian runs into? One second he is on the ground, and these bugs and turtles attack him, the next second he is in the sky and there is flying turtles, which doesn't make sense, then he is in some castle with ghosts and turtles that come back to life, then he is on a boat that shoots cannons that chase you. It sounds like a freaking nightmare, not heroic. Lets level though, Mario in some weird way has 4 lives to begin with. He is like a cat of sorts. But, if one of these flying turtles runs into him and he falls to his death, he can come back. I, however, do not have that same luxury. If I fall to my death, I'm 100% dead forever.

So, while I am trying to help Mario on his quest to win the girl, I cant help but think, you know how this could have been avoided? 2 things. A. Never fall in love with someone. B. If someone you love gets taken into an alternate universe, just let it go. If Mario had gone back to work the next day, it might have made a bad story, but it would have made alot more sense. I realize people are going to read this and think, "Wow. How un-romantic of King Jake. He wouldn't chase the woman he loves into oblivion, die a billion times, fight a dragon and turtles, and have to listen to some moron with a mushroom hat. He is a typical man, and a total loser." And you know what my response is to that? You're damn straight. While I would punch a stranger square in the face for a woman, I am completely unprepared to battle the super natural. I think the key to this story, is that there are plenty of fish in the sea. If one gets abducted, there is another one out there. I do realize that peach wasn't any fish, but more like the silver tuna. She was a princess, after all. I mean, Mario could probably retire and not have to fix pipes anymore cause he married into a fortune. Still, I don't find it worth chasing. I think I can draw two conclusions from all of this. The first, women shouldn't expect me or any man to chase you into unseen worlds. That crap only happens in video games. The likelihood of you getting abducted by the supernatural, is non-existent. The likelihood of me chasing after you if by some chance you do, is probably less existent. The second, I think I am going to become a plumber. Not because I want to increase the chances of me having to fight things in alternate worlds, more because Mario got a princess to fall in love with him. I don't conclude that it's his looks either. He is short and fat, and has a mustache. Which I think is nice, but to a princess? No way. I think it's his job. Women must like plumbers. So, until I am elected, I'll be sweeping princesses off their feet with my plumbing occupation. King Jake's plumbing service. Service fit for a King!

If it were up to me, I would watch the world burn. I would be burning too.

It's now December 15th. If you count correctly, it's only 6 days until the alleged end of the world. I thought the world would be in a state of more panic than I find it to be in. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Truthfully, I wasn't really worried about the end of the world. Not in the last 5 years anyway. I do recall being in 7th grade lying on my couch panicking about the end of the world. I remember thinking that the date was far too soon, and there was so much to accomplish before then. I needed to kiss a girl, have a kid, be in a metal band, appear in a movie, beat Super Mario Bros 3, throw things off a building, make everyone jealous, fly a plane, drive a car, grow a beard, commandeer a boat, spend money on lavish living, and win a fight. In retrospect, I have done most of the things on this list. Except kiss a girl. I'm still waiting for that to come my way. So, what I guess I'm getting at, is that I would be okay if the world ended. That isn't to say that I feel that way because I have checked off my list of things to do either. In fact, I would probably be more sad if it didn't end. I could probably die not kissing a girl and be okay with it. I don't think it would be so good that it would be worth hanging around this world longer for anyway. The sad truth behind it, is that I'm more afraid of the world we are heading towards than actually dying. I would be happier perishing in a horrible fire, getting trapped under a gas truck and dying slowly, or God forbid getting attacked by ravenous tweens that not only devour your flesh, but criticize you while doing it, than live any longer in this world. If the last words I hear before meeting my maker is "Oh my gawd! It is effing impossible to pick out the hair and fat and actually get meat from this loser!" I would probably die with a smile. A pain driven smile. I don't mean to portray that I am suicidal by any means. What I mean to say, is that we live in a really terrible place anymore. I have a hard time thinking that any day is worth getting out of bed for. There are so few people that I care to see, and so little chance of me actually seeing them, that it's hard to convince me to leave a bed that loves me unconditionally. There are too many tragedies and calamities that happen worldwide everyday, and not to mention the party fouls of everyone I see regularly that make me think we are headed in the right direction. Or any direction but a furnace-y hell. In a way, I used to view the future as very bright. I used to think of flying cars, transportation by portals, space suits, meals in a pill, lightsabers, robots, and everything else futuristic. Now, I have a hard time thinking of it being any kind of luxury. I tend to think it's something more like, boarding your windows, keeping a heavy stock of ammunition, non-perishable food items, liquor, and not letting people out during the day. The future looks more and more like a zombie apocalypse than a future. The only difference being we aren't hiding from zombies, we're hiding from our animalistic neighbors. Which, I already do. My windows are just not boarded yet. If things don't start taking a turn for the better, we are going to have alot of problems on our hands. Change. We need real change. I'm King Jake, and I am ready to start the revolution.

Socially, I Ride The Short Bus.

I often wonder if I am the only one who completely mis-understands the concept behind social cues. It may have everything to do the fact that I hate everyone, but if it were up to me to save the world by reading social cues, we would all be dead. I have a hard time telling whether a hand shake or a hug is more appropriate. I usually end up giving business associates hugs, best friends kisses on cheeks, and girls I have crushes on sturdy handshakes. I guess my business associates think I'm a little personal, my friends think I'm gay, and so do the girls I like. Maybe I just need to sit down and straighten things out, but I don't think that even being on MTV's Guy Code could save me. I have had more conversations with my friends, little sister, and mom about reading social cues from people than I care to mention. "Hey, if she sends me a winky face, that means she's probably in love with me, right?" The more I think about that, the more I come to terms with it. The real reason behind it, is that I have walked across college campus, and I have done alot of people watching. For example, I have had more people approach me while I am wearing headphones and try to strike up a conversation with me, than when I am walking without them. Exponentially more people. What I don't understand, is what they are thinking. If you see someone wearing headphones, the likelihood of them hearing you, is incredibly low. The likelihood of them wanting to talk to you, is even lower. And the likelihood that they want to take out their headphones to talk to you, is non-existent. Yet, people still approach me, and seem to not understand the said concept. What boggles me further, is that I am positive they can hear my music. Everywhere I travel, it's like a metal concert on my head. If you get within a 5 foot perimeter of me, you can hear what I am listening to. Quite clearly, at that. I think if you read this and try to approach me in public after, I will probably punch you in the ear. As socially retarded as I am, I still understand alot more than most people. I can still look at people and think, what the hell is the matter with you? It happens more than it ever should. So, I have compiled a list of things that you should probably do, and never do. Especially if you ever get invited to the palace during King Jakes reign.

1. Bring people who aren't invited to things you didn't organize, or otherwise had a hand in. Especially if it's a she.
2. Don't bring your girlfriend to manly things. While we all want your girlfriend to be liked, if I have to explain why the WWE is awesome one more time to an ignorant woman, I might have a panic attack.
3. Don't approach people who are frowning or otherwise look morose. While we all want to be the day saver, the chances of that actually happening are slim.
4. If you have a crush on someone and want to date them, tell them. Too often (myself included) we hide behind our social medias, and cell phones. Liking everything someone posts on Facebook or Twitter doesn't send a message that you like them. It's kind of like waiting outside their house to say hi to them every morning. It's a little weird.
5. If someone is mean to you, it's probably not playful banter, they probably generally dislike you as a person.
6. Shower, brush your teeth, apply copious amounts of deodorant, and if possible wear cologne or perfume.
And finally, 7. Look in the mirror before you leave. If you might be mistaken as a homeless person, you may consider changing.

While these are only the rules i think should be applied to society, you should probably follow them now. Cause they will be mandatory in the future. I could go on and on about this subject. And how much I HATE it. But, that would be too much like beating a dead horse. We all get it, yet we all act as if we are paralyzed from the neck up.

Public Enemy Number One

The truth behind why I am up this late, is that I was watching YouTube videos with friends. And of course we had to watch Rebecca Blacks Friday. Which means that terrible song was stuck in my head by the time I meandered to bed. And I knew if I were to wake up singing such a song, it would set a horrible tone for the horrible day approaching, so I decided to replace it with metal to sing to. Have you noticed how far YouTube has gone down the hole? I feel like back in the day, the most viewed videos were Charlie Bit My Finger and other hilarious videos, and they were so easy to find! Now you have to wade through ten shades of garbage to find something worth watching. So many knock off videos, and attempts at copying that it makes my life a literal hell. I hope that in the future, I wont have these problems. I will just think of the video I want to view and it will come up on my projector screen. No more walking around looking for the clicker, no more trying to remember the exact title of things, its effortless. Just the way my life should be. Instead, if I want to find an interview with someone, I have to wallow through interviews with people I truly don't care about. I think I'm the real problem in today's society.  I want everything at my fingertips, and I want it right now. I am constantly coming up with weird schemes to get by doing as little as possible. Cheating, lying, stealing, hiding at work, snoozing my alarm clock, avoiding class cause I forgot to do my homework, cooking things in my microwave that weren't designed for such a thing, looking at my phone to avoid conversations with people, wearing headphones to avoid new people, the list goes on, and on. Truth is, if I could get by and not have to do anything, I would. I would honestly spend my days in the woods cutting down trees and living off the land. The problem is, I suck at hunting, and I would probably get cold. But, if I got my check for doing nothing quarterly, I could buy an electric blanket... See how I worked out my problem with doing nothing? It's foolproof. I feel like the movie Wall E was pretty spot on in the way our society is headed. Living our lives through other people, and machines are doing everything for us. Part of me likes that, the other part hates it. I would like a machine to take care of things I don't want to do. I would never have to break up with girlfriends (or lack thereof) again, I wouldn't have to hit on girls, or ask them for their number, I wouldn't have to dress myself, I wouldn't have to write hate mail to Canadian celebrities, I wouldn't have to decorate my house at Christmas time, I wouldn't have to cook, I wouldn't have to tell my friends that they are being jackasses, and all these things I would be 100% okay with. There are a few things I would miss though, growing my own beard, cutting firewood, moshing at a metal concert, cheer on John Cena at Wrestlemania, watching Mick Foley matches with my best friend, taking walks to think about why my life is in shambles, having big fires, egging people that I hates car, impersonating actors, putting on new socks, and watching people fall down are just a few. If all were to go well, we would just have the machines work for the things we don't want to. It's probably alot like having a slave or a sweat shop. You make the one time purchase of the machine, and it's yours forever. To do all the things you don't want to, while you drink minty drinks on the porch of your house. I just see too many people abusing it, is the problem. You know some jackass is going to get a hold of this machine and decide he wants to rule all the machines. And King Jake is going to have to come up with a solution. It's just alot more trouble than it is worth. In my opinion, i think we should rewind it back a few years, and live like that again. You barter with food, you grow your own dinner, and everyone is self sufficient and happy. Just an idea. They seemed to be alot happier. They would complain about how the plow is broken or the horse is dead. Not, I cant find this damn YouTube video!

Thankful... That It's Not Christmas.

It's officially November 16th. For those of you inbreds who aren't familiar with the American calender, that means that Thanksgiving hasn't even come and gone yet. We should be putting our pilgrim outfits on, shooting turkeys, and giving Indians syphilis. Instead, we are prancing around in green and red, listening to Carol of the bells, and hanging up lights that are borderline to giving someone a seizure. I realize that Christmas is a big holiday, possibly the biggest. That doesn't however mean that we should be celebrating it a month early, or heaven forbid earlier than that. But, however, we are all dressed in our Christmas sweaters already. Blame it on the cold, but you can't hide your heresy. I was walking through Wal-Mart not one, but two weeks ago. You know what music was playing on the loud speakers? Some ungodly Christmas tune. I about torched the place and claimed it as treason. I wonder what Paul Revere would think if he were to see us not being thankful at all, and purchasing presents. He would probably go on another ride, but turning over cars and starting riots along his way. Okay, maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration. But, who knows what his true character was. While it is the season to be thankful, I try and think about what I am thankful for. I think that I could name a lot of things that I am Not thankful for pretty easily. Women folk, lines at shopping centers/amusement  parks, overpriced gasoline, the San Diego Chargers, healthy food, and current fashion. Naming things I am thankful for is harder. Which might be the reason the holiday exists. So, I think it's safe to say that I am not a huge advocate of Thanksgiving. As much as I love getting a plate full of food and murdering it with gravy, I couldn't say that it's my favorite. I think that my favorite holiday is probably my birthday. For several reasons. Every other holiday is designed to help you remember something or somebody else. My birthday is to help you remember how great I am, however. On March 6th, you should be thinking of me for the entirety of the day. I don't have to do the dishes, cook, or buy anything. People wait on me hand and foot, and it is far and away my favorite holiday. You don't however see me demanding that people prepare for it a month or more in advance. If we were to go by Christmas standards, we should start preparing for my birthday around the time your New Years chocolate hangover wears off. Along with your resolutions. We really wouldn't have time to celebrate any holidays cause we would be too busy preparing for the next one. So, if you have a Christmas tree up, put your lights up, or have gone through more than half of your Christmas shopping list, consider stomping your own toes. Especially if you have your shopping done but have yet to clean the house, flossed this year, or taken down the majority of your Halloween decorations. If you are this on the ball for Christmas, shouldn't it be year round? Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Well... That isn't the entire truth. Don't even get me started on Valentines. At least not this soon before it's time to start preparing for it. Enjoy the cold weather and presents that were bought with bounced checks you ingrates. I'm going to go eat some turkey and cranberry sauce. And, with any luck, get an Indian sick, Like a true American.

Endless Kingdom 2016

I was sitting on Facebook the night of elections, which was a horrible decision in the first place. The amount of boobing that went on was insurmountable. Truthfully, part of me sympathises with the boobers, but the other, better, part of me believes that they can only blame themselves. While we are all going to have to shuffle through another four years of un-change, know that you had the opportunity to change the country for the better, and for permanent. We all could have penciled me in on the ballot, but i am confident that I was the only one who did so. So, while you are all job hungry and getting Obamacare in the forthcoming months, I will be polishing my platform and gearing up for 2016. Because I never lose twice. Ever. So, the first order of business, goes as follows. As an official announcement from the King Jake team, I have officially chosen a running mate for 2016. Endless Matt Peterson. I am excited and confident about this decision. He and i together make one of the worlds greatest teams. I know because our wrestling tag team were world champions. We have put our heads together on some great ideas that are going to change the country for good. One of the first orders of business, is to elect a Cesar, who operates a Colosseum that we run prisoners through. Its going to be great, because death row is finally exciting again. Its not wait around for 10 years to get a lethal injection, its wait for a couple years, and if no evidence is found, you're going to be running with Siegfried and Roy's tigers, someone else's lions, and my pet bear. We have filled the Cesar's position, so don't come asking. We are going to change the mindset of welfare, also. There isn't going to be any. If you can't afford the things you have, ask relatives for money, beg for it, or pawn it. It's going to be a survival of the fittest kind of country, No more leechers. We are going to stop importing anything from other countries, and are going to make everything here in America again. So, say goodbye to alot of things, but, say hello to more jobs, and being self sufficient. Which is why there will be no need for welfare, cause there will be jobs for everyone. The kingdom is going to be endless. While there is no possible way to please everyone, this is going to be a shot in the dark at getting as close as possible. Which is why we are starting early on our campaign. We need your vote and support.
Cordially yours,
King Jake

I'm Too Old For This Crap

I'm really not in a good state of mind to be writing anything right now. Thus, why I'm not doing homework. I find that some of my best ideas come from a cloudy state of mind. When everything makes sense, golden bars of ideas are birthed from my simple mind. I'm not sure if my problems are more prominent than normal, or if I'm making them out to be bigger than normal. In either case, my problems are huge right now. Let's be honest, I'm not starving for food, I have a house, with a heater, I'm going to college, I have nice clothes on my back and money in my pocket. So what kind of problems could I be having? Alot. They're called first world problems. Most days they are impossible to work out, too. I won't go into what they are because that's stupid, and boring. Amidst all my pouting, however, I did have some good thoughts. I was watching my nephews cruise around today, and they seemed to have alot less problems than me. I think the biggest problem of the day was who gets which Matchbox car to throw at their mother and I's feet. It got pretty heated and almost ended in bloodshed. What a life that would be. Someone to feed you, clothe you, pay your bills, and even wipe your ass. I should have cherished those days more fully. Cause now i can't not only get no one to love me as much as people did back then, I have to feed myself, clothe myself, and no one offers me any comfort when I cry. Which is never. I think at the end of the day, There's not alot I wouldn't do to be 6 again. If you need a kiss, just start a game of kissing tag at school. Even if you get kissed by the big soccer girl with short hair, totally worth it if the hot girls kisses you too. Little kids have the coolest stuff also. I have looked for eons to try and find light up shoes for my size 13 foot. They don't exist. Plus, if you wear little kids backpacks, and are my size, you look like an idiot that's wearing a Camelback to school. Even if it has Goosebumps on it, you still look ridiculous, trust me. I remember when there was scheduled nap time in school, and I fought against it. I think now, What's your problem? I would give a kidney to have scheduled nap time in school. I would give a kidney to not have to go to school period. The things you want, are significantly cheaper back then. I remember saving $30 to get a hot wheels track. Now, I have to save $400 to get an Xbox 360. It's stupid. Being a little kid was the life. Fighting, playing, and not worrying about anything 100% of the time. Being an adult is fighting, not playing, and worrying about everything 100% of the time. In a nutshell, it's hell to get old. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat some glue and smear paint on my parents walls for nostalgic purposes.

Winter Blu... Snooze

Lets face it, Winter is coming whether you like it or not. I'm already hearing people cry baby about how cold it is. So, lets face it two times, I'm doing a majority of the cry babying. Although I would much rather be cold than hot, I'm still miserable for most of the year. I do okay in Autumn and Spring. But I hate Summer and Winter. Mostly Summer though. I can always put on a coat. I can't, however, take off my shirt. Well, not legally anyway. And, so it begins. Another several months of me frowning, and constant complaints about something. If I could, I would totally stuff my face with weeds, leaves, and sticks and sleep in a cave for the forth coming winter months. However, I inherited my dads weak stomach and there is no chance I could choke down mud and branches. Why do you think I don't eat salad? It's not that I don't want to eat salad, It's that I don't want to eat salad, and can't eat salad. On top of that, I can't sleep for too long. As glorious as hibernating sounds, I find that I have the worlds weirdest dreams if I sleep for longer than 8-9 hours. The other night, I had a dream that I walked into a famous casino with Dustin Hoffman and was immediately happy thinking I would make a lot of money with him. The only problem was, I still didn't have any money. So, we sat down at the table and our dealer, who was subsequently Jack Nicholson dressed as the Joker from Batman, and he said we could play on credit. When we started, I noticed that we were in a casino with dinosaurs in it. So, we started running away from them on my motorcycle. I woke up in a really cold sweat. At noon. As much as I would like to think that I have in common with bears, I have to hand it to them, they can eat healthier and sleep more than I. I can beat them in fights though... In the end, I will probably take no proper precautions to battle the winter months. I don't even have a coat as of yet. All I have is my beard and scattered newspaper to keep me warm. I will be frowning and muttering dirty swears under my breath for the next 4-5 months. Sure, it's my own fault. But, that won't stop me from complaining about it. 

Everybody Sucks. Except Me.

If were to take a deep look inside my figurative heart, I think there would probably be 4 levels. Like a hotel, if you will. On the top floor, there would be things that I absolutely love. Things like, 90's dress styles, sleeping, shorts, new socks, and Alf. The second floor would be things that i kinda like. Things like, Desserts, jewelry, having a made bed, and fast food. The bottom floor would be things that i generally dislike. Things like Stop lights, people who ride bikes in the road, sports I'm not familiar with, the radio, and traffic. The bottom floor with all the rats and furnaces and all other manner of tom foolery, would be things i hate with the deepest, blackest parts of my soul. Things like, the Los Angeles Lakers, when my socks get wet, women's logic, stupidity, getting ditched, and being told what to do. If you were to gather together people as a whole, there is no doubt in my mind, they would be buried between the third and bottom levels somewhere. Everybody sucks. Let me tell you why, rather than just state it. I don't really have "weekends" I work from 9-5 every Saturday, and i work from 1-6 every Friday. In a sense, my weekend lies between the hours of 6 Friday night, to 8 when I wake up Saturday morning. These hours are valued by someone like me, who wants to cram a weekend into 12 hours. So, I have a lot of plans on Friday nights, in hopes that I can have something good happen to me. But, why would I even hope for that? I don't know either, because you and I both know that nothing good happens to me. Let's say that someone who doesn't normally hang out with the crowd I do, and wishes to not at all associate with the crowd I do, wants to hang out Friday. So, what do I do? Be a nice guy, ditch my friends, and clear my calendar. I make sure that I have no prior commitments and completely devote my weekend to this person. Do you think that we actually did something? No. I ended up at my sisters house watching Monster House with my nephews. Because my nephews never ditch me. As much as it hurts to say, I think I'm one of the only people left who actually follow through on things. When I get invited to things, I actually go. Weird right? I don't find it necessary to play the whole "hard to get" card. Because truth be told, you shouldn't play hard to get if you're hard to want. I don't know how it works, to be honest. I don't understand the logic behind getting someone to like you by not showing up to their functions, and being mean to them. *cough* women's logic. In either case, if you say you're going to do something, do it. Unless your grandma died. Which isn't even that hard to function through. I did it. 2000 miles away from her. You ingrates. You know what else makes me mad? When people talk behind someone else's back. Which I am totally guilty of. And I at least fess up to it. If you think someones house is gross and dirty, maybe you should tell them that it's gross, rather than go tell your friends that their house is disgusting and you wont be going back anytime soon. Unless it was the first day they moved in, and haven't got all their bags unpacked. You arrogant jerk. I still stick to my motto, Snitches get stitches, talkers get walkers. Then we shoot people, steal stuff, and throw gang signs around. I've come to a basic conclusion, that we shouldn't deal with people like this. When it's Jake's America, talkers really will get walkers, and snitches really will get stitches. Then we will blind fold them, spin them around alot, and send them to an island of other talkers and snitches where they are exiled for life. I don't want to talk to or deal with people like that. Considering that its my country, I'll do with them as I please. In more ways than one, I have lost any faith I once had in humanity. I know there was a time in my life that when some sort of calamity happened, I would use my king hood, or other superpower to save mankind. I feel like now that I am older and have seen what i have seen, I would probably just watch it burn. Deep from within my securely locked safe-haven that's buried far under the earths visible surface. I guess the watching would then be metaphorical. But, I would save a few people. Dirk Nowitski, the cast of Saved By The Bell, Claudio Sanchez, and other loved ones. A very select few. Eat my shorts.

Moral Issues With Facebook From a Man Without Facebook Morals

Lets face it, when it comes down to it, I'm about as unmoral as anyone. Laying aside murderers and other convicted felons, of course. I can't honestly post something like this and not acknowledge such a fact. However, I look around at the world that has fallen at my feet, and feel like I might be in the top 10% of moral holders left on God's green earth. I don't think that's because i'm a good person. Because, to be honest, i'm not a good person. More people are at the expense of my jokes and laughter than i care to mention. In any case, I think that it might be my intellect and natural ability to not be stupid that makes me morally sound. There are so many things that i look around me and vehemently despise, that its hard to categorize them all into one entity. I actually think I hate more things in life than I like. Sad, true, sorry, I'm really not sorry. I'll start at the top.

Facebook. Not only is it the root of all evil, it's also the root of all evil. I feel like my life might be better without Facebook, but i really don't want to imagine such a world. It's like a heroin addict. What would his life be without heroin? Don't know, don't care. I would say I have spent exponentially more time on Facebook than I have ever spent actually doing homework for a class. I give respect to those who try to give up Facebook while they're in school. Even if it only lasts less than an hour. Facebook is such a bottomless pit of time wasting. I can say that I am really glad that we got over the whole Farmville and other games stage. That sucked eggs. Now i can use Facebook for what it's meant for without having stupid requests show up for games, stalking people, that is. Remember when you used to be scared of stalkers? When a car was parked in front of our house for longer than 30 seconds my older sister would instantly accuse them of being stalkers. I was on phone duty and would dial up 911 in a heartbeat if that stalker guy made any sudden moves. Now, you can stalk anyone you meet ever, and don't have to park in front of their house anymore. I feel like that is one of the worlds biggest moral issues today. We spend more time worrying about what everyone else is doing, rather than worrying about if dinner is burning or not. I have totally fallen into this trap. I can say with pride that I have spent longer than 2 hours looking at crushes i had in high school, and ex girlfriends pictures on Facebook while simultaneously neglecting anything else going on in the world. Like the nephew i was watching put his hand on the fireplace, and crying loudly. You want to know why I check Facebook? To see if anyone else thought the funny crap i posted was funny. I try to do minimal time stalking anyone. As odd as that sounds. What else is Facebook good for? A question I don't have an answer for. Wasting time on it isn't the only moral value at stake. Vanity. If i could punch everyone who has ever posted a duck face picture for real, i totally would. People love themselves, and want everyone else to love them too. So much so, that people will go to the extent of "liking" their own status', and pictures on Facebook. What is wrong with you? We know you "like" it or you wouldn't have put it on the internet. Unless you're just outright retarded, that is. The stupidity goes far and above that. From people tagging themselves in the pictures that THEY post, all the way down to liking the comments they make on someone else's status. I'm positive that people would post on their own wall if it were possible. "Heyyyy cutie! love your picture you look super sexy, and you post the funniest things everrrrrr! love you so much! Love me :)" I can see it now...It's disgraceful. The next time you think you have said something funny, or think you look good in a picture, make sure that you just keep it on the inside. Wait for other people to like it first, and relish in their approval. While your opinion is the only thing that matters, you look really conceded if you are the only one who likes your things. You look 116% more stupid if you are the only one who liked or commented on your stuff than if nobody said anything. I would be much more likely to give you a pity "like" if nobody else did, than if you liked it yourself. You self centered whore. I wish everyone were as smart as me is all. Common sense should be a lot more common.

Strip Clubs Are Trashy. So Are The People That Visit Them.

I can't honestly admit to ever visiting a strip club. As breath taking as that is. I can, however, admit to having seen a lot of movies where they visit strip clubs. From the longevity of whatever strip club they appease themselves to, all the way to my living room couch, I feel like I just swam in a dumpster filled with Crisco and left over french fries from Burger King. In other words, dirty. I felt really freaking dirty. Not that I was appalled by what I saw, or anything like that. The fact that I had vicariously been put in a state where i had to pay money to get girls, was... gross. Although that is not too far a state from where I am at now, I still have some sort of dignity. In a world where you have to pay people to see them take their clothes off, is a world where I would rather not live. I was listening to a song the other day. It's called "Invisible" by some crappy 90's band. It's a story where this guy was watching this girl through her bedroom window. If anyone has heard this song, and has not run through the motions of watching someone through their bedroom window, is most surely a liar, and a cheat. You can't hear such a song and not put yourself in that position. As I sat mulling over that thought, while simultaneously thinking of how trashy strip clubs are, and eating string cheese, I had a million dollar idea. What if we took all of those ideas, and mixed them into one. Sit down, because at the end of my idea, you'll be on your feet. What if we made a dress club? Instead of people taking their clothes off, they were putting their clothes on. Picture a scene where a man fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but a smile, and a towel, steps onto a stage, which looks exactly like a bedroom. You sit anxiously as he goes through the motions of dressing. The best part? You don't have to be quiet while he gets dressed! He knows you are there, so you can cheer for whatever outfit you think would be best. Steve Irwin outfit? You got it. Hobo? You betcha. John Stockton look alike? Only if you cheer loud enough. The opportunities are endless in dress clubs. Where in strip clubs, you have one option. From clothes on, to clothes off. Your childhood dreams are fulfilled in a dress club. It's not like that pesky husband who doesn't wear what you want him to. The "dresser" doesn't have a choice. He does what he's told. Like a woman who can't talk, it's perfection. It doesn't end there though. Instead of scary bouncers dressed in black, they will be scary bouncers dressed in clown outfits. Its so much less intimidating when he looks friendly. Don't mess with him though. He has a squirty flower that is filled with mace. Not only that, but, full meals will be served at dress clubs. You can actually eat off the table and not cringe. Because nobody's bare bottom has been where your hands and food are now. We will have an extensive menu that includes, but is not limited to, Grilled Cheese, Macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, hamburgers, hot dogs, frozen burritos, pizza, chicken, and you get a side of apple sauce, or fries. The drink menu is also extensive. From juice, to chocolate milk, we will have it all. At the end of the day, it's another get rich quick plan. I'm so tired of being poor, and going to college. It's like a pyramid program, except I'm the only one who makes real money. People could make a lot more money, if they were more imaginative, and sucked less. 10 years from now while you are traveling in a big city, and you see a sign that says "JB'S DRESS CLUB"  you'll know that I'm not too far off, sitting in a Love Sac that is filled with water and goldfish, smoking a whole bag of smarties, and counting all my money. Don't bother me though. My right hand man, and Co-founder, Morgan Walkenhorst, will not be far off. He's ruthless and will have the clowns chase you out macing you the whole way. You should've thought about talking to me before i was rich and ruggedly handsome. Eat my shorts, gold diggers.

Doing It The Hard Way

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and think, I can count ten things I would rather do than leave the house today? I can actually name all ten of mine every day. The list never changes, Unless i am actually doing something on my top ten. For example, I cant say "I would much rather be at Chuck E Cheese right now..." (which happens to be number one on my list) If I'm playing Skee Ball and winning way more tickets than every other kid in the place at Chuck E cheese. I'll write down my list to satisfy your curiosity.

1. Be at Chuck E Cheese.

2. Be watching WWE Monday night RAW, or Friday Night Smackdown.

3. Eating pancakes in Lumberjack apparel.

4. Be at Matt Peterson's house.

5. Playing Red Rover.

6. Reading the Bernstien Bears.

7. Building a raft/cabin with my bare hands.

8. Be at a local Wal-Mart and judging people.

9. Watching Arthur.

10. Eating free samples of food at Costco.

On any given day, you could walk up to me and say; "Hey Jake, what do you want to do today?" I would in turn reply with any and all of these answers. In truth, anything is better than school. I would rather go roller blading, and crash, naked, than do homework. If school wasn't the only thing standing between me and being filthy rich, you could bet every dollar you had that i would've dropped out eons ago. The point is, i spend far too much time doing the exact opposite of what i want to do. Unfortunately, you have to do a lot of things you don't want to do in order to start doing things that you do want to do. If you want to be rich, you have to go to school or be elected King of America (Hmmm...) If you want to marry someone, or just make whoopie with someone, you have to go on dates. You'll also run into a lot of creeps down that avenue, like me. Don't worry, you can blow me off too. The point is, this world is a horrible place to live. I hope things are better when I'm living on the moon with Newt Gingrich. If all goes well, there will be Arthur on all the TVs at the Chuck E Cheese's on the moon. Let's just say that things don't work out. I don't get elected King of America (God forbid) the moon idea for some unknown reason doesn't work out, then what? As if King Jake doesn't have a back up plan... I have thought a lot about what i should do with my future. Seeings how i hate everyone, I spend a lot of time planning routes to avoid people, and my social life has dwindled rapidly, I have come to a few basic conclusions. The first, I'm leaving civilization. You know the crotchety old man on TV that always yell at people to get off his lawn? He and i have a lot in common. The difference is, kids wont get a chance to walk on my lawn, or lack thereof. I will be living so far away from everyone, kids would be hard up to drive to my house, much less walk on my lawn. I am going to build a house in the woods, or in the desert of somewhere. No one will bother me, i will be 100% self sufficient, and no one will be around to make fat jokes or harm my self esteem with demeaning texts, not to mention, try to convince me that i should shave. The way i see it, all my ideas combine into one great master plan. I'm king of the desert, I can have a woodchipper in case some gypsy stumbles across my land, I will eliminate any and all contact with the people i hate so desperately, and I wont spend any money on dates. It seems as though it's too good to pass up. Don't come looking for me. My true friends will know where to find me. So, when life gets too hard, and you wonder why you keep doing things you hate, there is always a better alternative. Just don't.

K.I.N.G.

The closer we come to elections, the more I feel the apathy inside my heart get magnified. I realize that I should care so much more about the future of the best nation in the world, but i just cant bring myself to. In all reality, how much weight does a president carry? Not as much as i personally think he should. He is just kind of the scapegoat for all of the problems we pile on, for no apparent reason. The more I hear about debates, and what policy is what, the more I feel qualified to run for president. But I really don't want to run for president. Because I don't want to make crap money, running a great nation that I really have no control over. You want to know what i would do a lot more of if i were president? Declare war on things. That would really be the only thing that I could do on my own free will as president. So you better believe that I would abuse it. I would be willing to bet that I have more control as President over my L.A.R.P.ing club than President Obama does over the United States Of America. If someone misbehaves at a L.A.R.P.ing convention, they get the water torture. If someone doesn't pay their taxes, the IRS threatens to come after them. All this crap about checks and balances, Congress, and other branches of the government is so outdated. I kind of like the attitude of the old world. Kings, that is. You either obey the kings rule, or die. How much better would things be if that were the case? No one would revolt in fear of Americas mighty army. You want to know what else? I cant think of anyone more qualified than me to be King of America. You want to know why i would be such a great king? Allow me to pitch a few ideas that might make you agree with me. If you don't agree, it's OK. I'll have you killed after I'm elected. Have you ever been in a public bathroom? I have. Hated it. There is nothing worse than sitting on a toilet that someone you have never met, or know where else they've sat, was previously sitting on. Its almost like Russian roulette with STD's. I think there should be someone stationed outside of every public bathroom to clean it after each use. That way, I'm happy, and someone gets paid to do something that i never will. Not to mention, the amount of bathrooms that I walk out of, and don't wash my hands because that would only make them more dirty, would be basically eliminated. Also, my absolute worst fear of using a public bathroom and not having any toilet paper would disperse. Have you ever thought about that? What on earth would you do? The walk of shame, turns into the walk of humiliation. There is not the slightest chance in hell that I'm asking the cashier at the gas station if there is any more toilet paper for the bathroom. More policies? I would coral all of the meanest people in the world, and they would have to fight it out to the death. Almost like Mortal Kombat, except nobody wins. I'm so tired of mean people being mean, and there wouldn't be room for those kind of people in America under my rule. I would also make sure that everyone made enough money to get by. How? Make people give their fortunes to me, and i write out checks to poor people. Although, I would make sure that "NOT FOR COCAINE" was written on every dollar bill that was given out from my account. Nobody would be overlooked. And i would spend all the rest of the money in my account on things that make America better. Like more basketballs, and bombs. Don't picture King Jake as sitting on this throne with flowing robes, and a giant crown. Think of it as me giving people like Hugh Jackman high fives at the Oscars, and making him give me his money. And his Oscar. Or kissing Rachael McAdams on the cheek on the cover of People magazine. Or flying around in a flying car throwing buckets of KFC out my windows to all the hungry people. Most of all, picture me making everyone who denied me a date, or friend zoned me incredibly jealous. Cause they would be positioned as bathroom cleaners for the bathrooms at my house. And I would make a mess every single time i went in there. I would pour all the handsoap on the floor and slide around like i was wearing roller skates, and then run toilet paper across everything. Then spit on the mirrors. They have alot to look forward to. Be mean to me, will ya! The thing that makes me most qualified, is that i am about 20% more sane than anyone i know. Not to mention, my ideas are fool proof. So when you are standing in line to vote this November, know that it wont always be this way. One day, your life will be better. It will no longer be a vote between the lesser of 2 evils.One day, it will all be fair, and we will all be happy. When King Jake reigns.

Man Cards Should Be Real.

On more occasions than once, i have asked myself, "Is that a girl, or a boy?" On the same occasions, part of me dies. In the world we currently live in, the line is no longer drawn in the sand. In fact, its not drawn at all. Remember in old movies the women they called Bimbos? Large breasted, scantily clad women who were dumber than the entire cast of The Suite Life Of Zach and Cody. Those women were the idols of their day. The epitome of desireable women. They had no real talent in acting, they just looked good without clothes on. The tables have ever so turned. The dimwitted blonde is no longer prevalent in movies. Its now the dimwitted muscle man. Men who lack real talent in acting, or sports, but get paid to be looked at. Life has turned into one giant Chippendales stage. We get paid to look good without a shirt on. Its no longer about if we are good at what we do, or are actually going somewhere in life. If you want girls, money, and all things desireable, get a six pack and big pecs. I normally wouldn't have a problem with people looking good without a shirt on, it's all the exccess that comes with it that i don't like. You can't just look good, you have to be a jerk, while similtaneously toe the line between man and woman. You can't have a sick pack, hairy legs, a beard and wear regular man clothes. You have to wear form fitting clothes, shave your legs, chest, and face, use lotion, chapstick, conditioner, and worry about the health of your nails, pluck your eyebrows, wear bright colors such as pink, and spend too much time in front of a mirror doing your hair. I have neither a six pack or a big chest, however i can prove that i'm a man. Not only that, i'm positive that i can carry on a far more interesting conversation than most of these meat heads. I'm not suggesting that men should refuse to care for themselves. I shower more than anyone that i know. Aside from that, body odor is offensive, so are long fingernails. However, i have come to a conclusion, that there are certain things that a man should never do. I'll make it into a list.
1. Drink from a straw.
2. Shave your legs, arms, armpits, chest, or face.
3. Wear pink. Purple is more acceptable in darker shades.
3. Spend longer than 20 minutes in the bathroom at any one time.
4. Cross your legs.
5. Sit to pee.
6. Take an excessive amount of pictures of yourself.
7. EVER put makeup on.
8. Use lotion. Even manly flavors.
9. Watch a girly movie alone.
10. Order drinks with umbrellas.



There are plenty of more things i could add to this list. But, i feel as though these are the most important. I am also guilty of a few of these things. I also understand that my manhood takes backseat when i do these things. Remember when you grew up wanting to be a cop or fireman? Those things have been turned into sex idols, and it drives me crazy. You cant grow up wanting to be a regular man. Kids no longer want to grow up to be John Wayne, but someone like Channing Tatum. Why? Good question. I think that the concept of manliness and whats "Hot" needs to be adjusted. Girls need to stop falling all over these men and then wonder why things didn't work out. I'll tell you why it didn't work out, it's cause these boys will never settle down. Rightly so, i might add. Why buy the cow when you can steal the milk and leave the cow desperate? I must also acknowledge that men fall into the same trap. Falling all over girls that have no interest in settling down. Its a two way street. It just seems as though women fall for it more often. At least from what i see. Men need to act like men. Women need to act like women. There is most certainly a reason we are different. The more men i see shave their armpits, the more i feel my manhood and beard grow. Man cards should be a tangible thing, rather than an idea. I know i would have all my corners still in tact. So the next time you fall in love with someone, you should probably do a background check. You might also run through this checklist to see if they might be a "Player" Or a "Him-bo", as it were. Last i checked, lumberjacks aren't overly concerned with hooking up with several chicks, but, more about working hard, being manly, and eating pancakes. They wont break your heart. Just build your house.

Nice Guys Finish Last. So do Weirdos.

I've been hearing every day of my mortal life the saying that "Nice guys finish last." And i've never really fully comprehended such a thing. Is that encouraging people to be mean? Or is it merely a nicer way of telling people to man up? Either way, i don't really like it. For a multitude of reasons. I feel as though there are too few nice people in the world. And to degrade them further by saying that they are consistently finishing last, makes me cringe a bit. The only guys who appear to finish first, are the one who you can wash your clothes on their abs. But, don't do that. Because his tan will rub off. But these dashingly handsome men can walk into a public setting, and walk out with a woman on their arm. I trust you have all seen these people. I tend to closely associate with them and pick up any table scraps. Its a way of finishing second to last. Reguardless, i have a hard time believing that the only reason  that these men get girls is because they're assholes. Few times have a i seen one of the said men walk up to a girl, tell her she's too fat for that dress, and that the Subaru Outback she drives makes her look like a lesbian,  and when you wear your hair like that, it makes you look like Mrs Jetson's step mother, That when she carries big handbags, it makes her look like a drug trafficker, and that high heels don't look nice, they make you look like a dirty stripper, then they fall all over him. Its something called confidence that gets these guys the girls. At least, that's what i'm told. I'm not sure what confidence even is. I think we need to do away with the notion that its being a jerk is what gets you girls, and being nice gets you another night alone. Its because these men are prettier than you, and they are positive of that fact, that wins girls over. So either look elsewhere for girls, or get a gym membership. Don't practice being a jerk. Cause the next guy i see wearing shorts, tube socks, and a hat thats brim is flipped up, i'll ram my Buick into. You don't dress that way cause it looks cool, or because its comfortable. You do it cause somebody else did and you want to be like them. And so it dribbles down the food chain. Have you ever really wondered why you are finishing last? Maybe its cause you like Star Wars too much, or that you really like the Big Bang Theory, or that you drool when you speak, or you don't use a proficient amount of deoderant, or that you like unicorns too much, or that you don't make enough money, or that your beard is patchy, or your nose is gigantic, you don't clip your fingernails well enough, you like Nickleback, or Coldplay, you could be too gangly, you don't wear your pants where they were designed to, you wear New Balance shoes, you button your polo shirts all the way to the top, you walk weird, there could be any number of reasons why you finish last. I am sure that being nice is towards the bottom of the list.  All in all, we just need to put our feet back on the ground, and be real with ourselves. I'm confident that being nice is not the reason why i finish last. Its because i'm husky.

Chivalry Is Dead... You Might Be Too.

I find that i worry too much. I worry about dates, asking girls out, if double texting them is inappropriate, the list could go on for hours. I often find myself losing sleep over it, to be entirely honest. If i could count up all the hours I've lied in bed staring at the ceiling analyzing my date, wondering what she thought about it, thinking about what to say the next time i text her, and on and on and on, I could honestly watch the extended versions of Lord Of The Rings, and Harry Potter in their entirety 6-7 times. Let me bring you up to speed on my recent escapade with asking a girl out (Which was a horrible idea to begin with) So there i was, losing sleep thinking that maybe this girl might be interested in me back. In my eyes, things were going great. I finally had someone text me that's not my mom. So what do i do? I try to take it up a notch to make sure that my intentions are well known. Man, i'm so awesome! I'm a real man! So, i decide i was going to spend the money i don't have and take her out on a date. I just needed her to agree first. So i send her the following  text (Might have been a mistake in and of itself) "I know you probably have homework and stuff, and i'll leave you alone. But, i just wanted to see if you wanted to go grab a movie and ice cream or something tomorrow :)" I even lowered my standards and sent a smiley face. She, in turn replied with such; "Blah Blah Blah I suck at living, Let's just be friends so things don't get weird... Blah Blah Blah i wish i were dead." If i were a faggot, i would've cried. You know why? Cause rejection sucks. I spent the next three days over analyzing the situation, and my personal worth as a human. I seriously considered shaving, changing my wardrobe, getting a haircut, buying a Ferrari, buying a motorcycle, taking up base jumping, joining a hockey team (Still an option), being an astronaut, starting a fight for no good reason, starting underground dog/chicken fights, dropping everything i own to become a sailor (Also an option), burning the apartment complex to the ground, and finally becoming a vagrant. Of course, i followed through with none of these things. Yet. But, as i have lied in my bed countless nights wondering whats wrong with me and what i need to change, i have come up with a few conclusions that might do the world a bit of good. I am neither a psycho or a killer, but, i have had some dark thoughts that might bring things into better order in the world today. Why is it that there are leagues established? Why cant we all hold hands and be happy? Should it not matter what social class you hail from? Why does it matter if the Cheerleader dates the weird theater kid? We should all end up being happy. Enough of that gay stuff. In order to restore balance to the world, there needs to be fear struck once again into the hearts of the people. We all live without consequence any more. We can all say whatever we want without the consequence of having to say it to anyone's face. Life now is easier than ever. No one is afraid of anything anymore. Until now. If there were consequences for our actions, we wouldn't do some of the things we do. I propose the following, we don't ask girls out with us anymore. We force them. Kidnapping is so old school. And we need to bring it full circle. Allow me to explain my intentions. Instead of seeing a cute girl and forcing yourself to talk to them and winning them over, kidnap them. Then give them an ultimatum. They can either date/marry you or (Insert consequence here). I'll allow your own imagination to fill in the blanks here. Which i probably shouldn't do. But, i'm a risk taker. You take some responsibility here. I'm tired of losing sleep over chivalry and trying to make myself seem presentable. I don't want to have to fix myself in order to make someone love me back. But, if they love me because they had the choice of that, or getting thrown in a wood chipper, i would be okay with that. I'm all about people making good choices. Why not make sure that they make good choices? I see the wood chipper idea only going great. Cause honestly, who is going to choose to die? No one, that's who. It may not be ethical. But which of my posts are? I'm trying to provide options for people who are like me. Nice people, with bad luck. And in the end, why shouldn't we all be happy? Or at least one person in the relationship...

First Dates Blow.

I feel like the title is somewhat misleading. The truth is, all dates suck. Unless I'm not paying for it. I know that not many women can peer into the mind of a man with ease. But, allow me to fill you in on why you never get asked out on dates. 

Have you ever met someone in passing, and end up going on a date? I have. And it sucked on so many levels. Lets start by picking out my outfit. Do i wear a death metal shirt, or a pocket tee? Do i wear cargo shorts, or carpenter shorts? What hat goes best with this shirt? How much cologne is too much? I should drive my dads car cause its nicer, but i don't want to seem like i still live with my parents. Is chewing two pieces of gum bad? What if that fart followed me into the car... All this happens before i pick her up. When you finally do pick her up, then what? I probably should have planned ahead. What if she hates what i planned? I hope this car doesn't smell like old food. What music is appropriate? How loud should i play it? I should get more acoustic music. This 5 mile drive has taken years. I forgot to put my seat belt on. Does that make me a bad boy, Or retarded? I want to speed up, but i don't want her to think i have a penchant for completely ignoring the law, cause i already don't have my seat belt on. When i finally arrived at mini golf, i was ready for bed. What if she is better than me at golf? Maybe we should've stuck with a movie. Oh no... Its only the third hole and I'm starting to sweat. I'm glad i didn't wear gray. I wish that lady wouldn't have insulted me so bad by giving me the pink golf ball. How many holes are there? 18?! we aren't even halfway done. I should've eaten before i came. Then i wouldn't look like such a pig when we finally do eat. Speaking of food... I'm really hungry. Maybe ill just pitch my ball into traffic so we have to leave. I should at least finish it and see if i can win a free game... Didn't win a free game. At least its time for dinner. I should take her somewhere nice. I only make minimum wage... I shouldn't. I'll eat so much better at a restaurant. Oh well. Wait... I need Xbox live this month... Ill meet halfway. Chili's. I'll just drink alot of Coke then i wont eat as much cause I'll be full of coke. These chips and salsa are a good alias for my overeating habit, too. I'm still getting a steak. 8 oz. is still manly, right? I don't want her to think I'm a faggot. I'm not even going to look at the salad menu. If i get rare, ill hate it, but look more manly. French fries, or baked potato? Which comes with more food? Vegetables? What are those? I hope i can get this conversation to last until the food comes... I shouldn't eat so fast. Elbows off the table moron. Breathe between bites. Ask her if she likes her food. I hope she doesn't get food poisoning and blame it on me. Man, you ate that steak in under 5 min. Record time. Wait... that's bad. Don't watch sports center the whole time. Ask her questions after bites, not while shes putting the food in her mouth. That costs alot more than i expected. I hope the car doesn't breakdown on the drive home. Watch for deer. And bears. Uh oh... That steak has a mind of its own. Either I'm getting fuller, or...... And then it strikes full force. Date gut. For those who have never encountered this, allow me to explain. Your body can hold in your gas. But, with much difficulty. When you hold it in, it starts to build pressure in your stomach. Think of it as a reverse vacuum, and it fills your stomach to the brim. The conversation starts to die, cause you are more focused on not farting than talking. The 5 mile drive home turns to the journey to the center of the earth. And there is one thing you have in mind. You finally walk or waddle her to her door. And the most awkward moment of the night strikes. You hug, of course. But where is the line drawn? I mean, it is a first date. More than anything i just want to go home and unleash the demons in my belly. But i don't want to rush it. Or scamper off like i had a bad time. Gosh it hurts. One year later you finally settle on just a hug. And its never felt better. First dates suck.

Why i hate "The Notebook"

Rain. The only thing worse, is the wind. You cant do anything in the rain. No swimming, no canoeing, no feeding of ducks, in many cases no power, all in all, no fun. Because the second you step outside, you are going to get wet, and nobody likes being wet. Unless your name is Ryan Gosling and Rachael McAdams, that is. In fact, they like it so much, they prolong their being outside, not in any slight drizzle, but in an outright downpour, by continually kissing and otherwise fondling. As i sat on my couch pouring soda and Doritos down my throat, watching such an awful scene unfold with complete distaste, the light went on in my thick skull. Immediately i was taken back to my nightmare days of my ex girlfriend. Every time the clouds would roll in and my irritability rose with their darkening, it was mere clockwork before i heard "Lets go run around in the rain!" If i had a dollar for every time i heard that, i would have more than 1 dollar, but less than 2,500. And all those days of arguing about how much i would rather gargle glass than run around in the rain, came to a screaming reality. As i watched the couple hold each other in the pouring rain, i heard the estrogen level in the room rise. And i was alone. Slowly, but surely I came to the realization, that the only reason that this woman had any interest in doing any sort of thing in the rain, is because she wanted to fulfill her twisted fantasy of being just like Ryan and Rachael. She wanted me to tell her that i loved her even though she moved to New York and never wrote back. Kissing, hugging, wet, and altogether unhappy. Why is it that women can watch movies, and demand to fulfill their fantasies of kissing in the rain, walking in the park, falling in love and all that other crap, but i cant seem to get the same respect when i watch Terminator? What seems to be the problem with riding on the back of a motorcycle while i shoot my lever action shotgun at a semi truck? Whats not romantic about me lowering myself into a melting pot to save a desperate woman and her sons life? Who doesn't want to rob, steal, murder, and watch me cut the skin off my arm only to reveal the robot mechanics underneath? The answer should be, Nobody! Everybody should want to! The answer I actually get, is that nobody wants to. Men and women are not equal anymore. We are left to drive our fantasies out on video games, while women are pulling us by our beards into the rain to re-enact scenes from a movie (a stupid one at that). If it weren't for "The Notebook" my shoes would have alot less water damage. My frown wouldnt be so prominent, and I wouldn't be so love drunk on Rachael McAdams. So the next time you want to play kissy kissy in the rain, consider returning the favor by playing the Indian in the cupboard. 

The World Needs More Carly Rae's.

I never listen to the radio. The only reason i know songs that ever appear on the radio, is because people wont shut up about them. Which is the case with the song "Call Me Maybe" For starters, I'm going to explain why this song is stupid. Then, i will explain why this song is awesome.
Teenagers and elementary school students alike can rattle off the lyrics to this song, long before they can remember all of the words of the pledge of allegiance. If i cried, this would be something to cry about. Not to mention that Miss Jepsen is Canadian. I would be willing to wager that its a hostile takeover. First we start singing Call Me Maybe, then we forget the Pledge Of Allegiance, then we forget why America is the greatest, Then we end up eating each others faces. Laying any and all theories aside, lets take an intellectual look at the lyrics to this song. "Here's my number, call me maybe." This phrase alone leaves me somewhat puzzled. Is she implying that her name is maybe? Or that she wants you to call her... maybe? Lets just assume that it is the latter. When she says to call her, maybe, does that mean she wants you to call her or not? In my experience growing up, Whenever my mom said maybe, that usually meant no. If some girl said to call her MAYBE, i probably wouldn't in fear that she was just being polite. And really didn't want me to call her. But thought she would give me her number anyway. Not that i call girls that give me their numbers. Even if they just say; Call me. I would hope that in the future, Carly Rae would be a little more direct. Then maybe more people would call. The other Lyric in question is "its hard to look right" Does this mean that she was in a car accident and cant turn her head? Or that she just slept on it wrong the night before and has a kink in it now? Either way, i'm not calling a girl who has been in a car accident, or cant sleep like a normal person. Honesty might not always be the best policy, Carly.
This song is great for a few reasons. If i were at a social gathering, and someone came up and gave me their number with no work on my part, i would be overjoyed. Until i found out that she is Canadian. Then i would be really upset. Livid even. I feel like in the world that we live in, men are always chasing to no avail. Women are always hoping that they get chased, but men are always too scared to talk to them. So, in all cases, men and women go home feeling worse than they did before they went on this escapade. With high hopes of going home with someone else that night. If we want to get anywhere in this game of cat and mouse, women should take Carly's lead, and start giving men their numbers. The game needs to be played right. And i should write the rule book. We shouldn't have to hunt, only feast.

I love America.

Over the venture of my years of breathing, i have come to many coherent conclusions. Most of them only make sense to me. However, there are quite a few that i feel that everyone would/should agree with me on. This is one of those that is kind of in between. in my journeys from the deserts of Utah all the way to the beach of New London Connecticut, i have stumbled across my fair share of foreigners. Each time that i did, it was an unpleasant experience. People that aren't from the States, suck for so many reasons. Allow me to name a few.
1. They rarely speak understandable English. More often than not, the word i use most in my conversations with out of country-ers, is "What?" And frankly, it bothers me. I feel like i shouldn't be asking people to explain themselves in my own country. Conversations rarely go anywhere positive either. Its alot like being wired over to India for customer service. Nobody ever gets anywhere and you both end up frustrated.
2. They are usually here to steal something. I'm not sure if its not a law in other countries to not steal anything, but it is here. And i feel like we are the only ones who know that. They are either going to swipe your cool wallet, or steal the originality of taking pictures in front of clever things. So much for having an awesome picture in front of the worlds biggest hot dog. The Asian down the street did it first. Copier.
3. Trying to explain American culture and mannerisms, is like trying to explain what orange looks like to blind people. They come here and mess up the natural flow of things. They might get up and walk around peoples homes taking pictures of things. They might trick their children into looking up weird Anime porn. All in all, whatever they do over there, they do over here. And its infuriating.
4. American sports dominate, even though foreigners don't agree. Cricket? its a more boring version of baseball. Just to name one. Reguardless of the fact that 30% of the NBA and 90% of the MLB are not from America, We invented the sport. Therefore, we are much better at it than you. And always will be. How many rings does Yao Ming have? I remember. None. Michael Jordan? Oh. 6.
You might ask yourself, "But, Jake, don't you think these people would say the same thing about you if you went to their country?"
Allow me to answer your question with another question. I'm never leaving the country on my own terms. America has everything that i want. Mountains, beaches, sports, music, the worlds hottest women, and great hamburgers. Suck it.

A Perfect World...

In a world where good things happen to me, i would never be sad, or lonely. I wouldn't have the troubles of having to chase women. Women would chase me. There would be unicorns instead of cars. And jet-packs instead of planes. Everyone would throw money at me when i walk into their house. Little kids wouldn't be nearly as annoying, but always well behaved. Church services would no longer be bland. There would be theme music to every scene of my life. I would never lose an arm wrestling match. I would have the fanciest clothes. And everyone would tell me that i look great today, even if i don't look great. My pool wouldn't be full of water, but full of things that would be fun to swim in. Like puppies. I would live in a castle. And there would be a moat. And all the people that were mean to me, wouldn't be invited to my roller disco parties at my roller disco rink in the basement of my castle. The coolest bands would open shows for my band at my castle. Every night. And everyone would love my music more than the Beatles. And John Lennon would be jealous of how cool my music and i are. And he would ask me to do a duet at the Grand Old Opry, and i would tell him never. I would be able to wear a new pair of socks every single day. And my shoes would always be new, but i would never have to break them in and hurt my feet for a day, or more. People would smoke rainbows that make them live longer instead of cigarettes that make them die sooner.There would never be unicorn traffic. And there would never be any heinous crimes. Everyone who ever hurt my feelings would have to say: "I'm sorry". And every night, i wouldn't have to cook my own food. Or wonder whats for dinner. But exactly what i'm hungry for, would be waiting for me on my mile long table. And all my friends and i would have friendly conversations. At a friendly dinner table. And i would sleep on a bed made out of clouds. And i would get the perfect amount of sleep every night. And i would wake up to my favorite song getting played at my bedside live.

Instead, i live in a sad cruel world. Where nothing good ever happens. Fields catch fire instead of marshmallows. Girls throw rocks at my heart instead of kisses. Unicorns get killed and eaten instead of ridden. The roller discos close at nine. My socks have holes in them. My mustache is blonde instead of brown. And pirates like me get chased from town to town. I have hope for a perfect world. *Sigh*

Taylor Swift, Americas Sweetheart, or Blood Sucking Vampire? You tell me.

In a recent conversation i had with someone, the following story was related to me. A distant friend of a friend of someones friend, was vacationing in Mexico. While sun bathing and, no doubt, getting hammered, he seems to think that he met Taylor Swift there. Not only did he meet her, but they hung out on several occasions. And... *blush* made out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On any other given day, i would track down this friend of Jesse's friend of Craig's, and i would congratulate him. Maybe even give him a hug. But, and i do mean BUT, there are so many holes in this story that its pert-near see through. Allow me to explain myself. When is the last time you have seen Taylor Swift in a bikini? If you said never, your answer would be correct. She doesn't sun bathe. She doesn't go running frivolously on the beach. She is rarely seen without a coat on. So, if this distant friend of mine were going on an ice skating extravaganza in Sweden, and he ran into Taylor Swift since they were staying at the same ice castle, and happened to be getting hot chocolate at the exact same time, i might validate the story. MIGHT! When's the last time you heard of Americas idols hooking up with any Joe schmo on the street? That's right. Never. What if Joe Schmo had herpes, and gave it to Taylor Swift, and she gave it to Taylor Lautner (Actually, that might be a good thing...) And he gave it to someone else, and before you know it, America is now Herpe-erica. Its like zombies, but with STD's. If you are going to make up a lie about hooking up with Taylor Swift, at least make it believable. Idiot. Which brings me to my point. Is she pulling all our noodles, and is secretly a vampire? Lets just say that she is a REAL vampire. Not some deer kissing faggot, who is afraid of sucking some hot girls neck. She eats people to stay alive. Alright? Dracula. Not Fagula. Lets go over the qualifications of such a villan, and compare the qualities with Taylor Swift. Sharp teeth? Not sure, haven't felt them. I'm willing to bet that the answer is yes. If you can eat steak, you can eat people. Pale skin? CHECK! she looks like the sun is her worst enemy. She and i have that in common. Except I'm tan. Never out during the day? Rarely. No doubt about it. Wears robes and/or a big cape? She wears alot of expensive stuff... I think that counts. Sleeps in a coffin? I'm not sure where she sleeps. She has alot of money, so i bet that its a king size bed shaped like a coffin. Garlic repels her? I should have asked that kid that hooked up with her in Mexico... My basic conclusion is, she is a vampire. She isn't hanging out in Mexico where she would assuredly be burnt up in the sun. If you'll excuse me, i have a one way ticket to Transylvania to find her.

5 Things To Not Be Sad About

Have you ever been bumming around Wal Mart waiting for someone else, and you happen to stumble into the $5 Cd bin. As you start ro rumage through the mounds of crap Cd's like old Willie Nelson, and Osmonds albums, by some stroke of unmistakeable luck, you find it. The soundtrack of your life. The cd you have been looking for since you entered this cruel world. Sum 41's All Killer No Filler. Before long you are running through the store with cd in hand finding your mom and throw it in the cart while hastily promising you will pay her back when you get home. and, "Its only 5 effing dollars, mom!!" So, she relucntantly aggrees. And you carry on. When the time comes for you to check out and you are practically floating through the air. You watch anxiously as the check out lady scans it through and the price glows like a beacon sign from hell. $14.88. Your mother stops the checker, and turns with a smug look and says "You said it was 5 dollars..." You try to explain yourself, but she hands you the cd and tells you to take it back where you found it. Cursing the jerk who placed such a gem in with all the low class cds, as you make your way back to the entertainment section. I have had this happen more than once. And it depleats any faith i may have had in humanity before i walked into wal mart that day. In a world of endless cruelty, i have compiled a list of 5 things that can make you happy in your day to day life. Put down the chocolate, and bask in a new age of happiness, by yours truely.

1. New Socks.

Who on earth can frown while putting on a new pair of socks? The answer is nobody. You might as well have grabbed all those clouds that loom overhead and placed them on your swamp feet. I realize that it is becoming less and less popular to wear socks. But not wearing socks is incredibly unbecoming. You might as well wear onions around, if you are choosing to not wear socks. Get a hold of yourself.

2. Snuggies.

Cold tonight? No? Well, get a snuggie on yourself anyway. Its just a robe that you wear backwards. Not only is it the stupidest invention ever, it comes in your favorite pattens/colors! The actual idea of snuggies itself, is nothing to be happy about. Whatsoever. Its actually infuriating. However, you can be happy knowing that there are idiots out there who are filthy rich because they came up with wearing their bathrobe backwards, made it into a zebra print, and came up with a good pitch for it. Knowing that all the stupidest ideas that you have, can make you money is enough to turn frowns into clowns. Its still America, by golly! So, put on your thinking cap, and figure out how to make a toilet that weighs your poop you've been dreaming of since grammar school. You still have time! Cause i would buy one. I would be first in line.

3. Trashy Romance Novels.

Nothing can bring smiles like the climax of a hot forbidden romance at its peak. The werewolf finally admits he loves her, before he eats her face! I cant help but want to do cartwheels when i walk down the book isles at a store and see it flooded with romance novels from writers nobody has heard about. The best part is, the likelyhood of the book itself costing more than a gallon of milk are slim to none! And for good reason! Unbeknownst to me, people keep buying into this crap. They cant get enough of hot sex scenes and man candy. I thought we had crossed this bridge after vampire days were over. But, its a never ending story. And, at less than a dollar an hour for even the fastest of readers, whats not to be happy about? My thoughts exactly.

4. People Falling Down.

I realize that i am a horrible person for posting such a thing. But, few things make the sunshine part the clouds like seeing hands fly in the air as bodies fall to the cold hard pavement. And, if you are lucky, they will have something perishable in their hands that go spewing across the ground. There is no real way to ensure that you cash in on such an event, unless you let the hose run in front of Wal Mart all night, and wait for it to freeze over. But, i dont endorse such acts. Plus, you might get arrested. But, keep a sly eye out. There are people falling down in a neighborhood near you.

5. 'N SYNC's No Strings Attached.

I debated for a long time over this, or the Backstreet Boys' Millenium. But, i reflected back to third grade and arguing with morons til i was blue in the face that 'N SYNC was better. A blast from the past this one is. And nothing can make one happier than pretending we are kids again. Back before Lance Bass admitted he was gay.  Before Justin Timberlake tried to act. And before the rest of the crew died with their overnight fame. Whats not to be happy about? I'll do you one better. Walk into any thrift store, and the chances of finding this CD for less than a dollar, are about 104%. Crank the tunes, and turn down the stress as you jam out to "Bye Bye Bye". Dont rock too hard though, you might tip over the minivan.